as time goes by nobody asks anymore... that's ok in most ways but then I need to talk about Brandon... and when I do some if not most people seem uncomfortable as if I shouldn't be thinking and talking about him anymore now that it's going on two years... TWO YEARS... as if I will EVER forget him and stop talking and thinking about him... I guess they think I'm just hanging on to memories that I should pack away somewhere now time has passed... but the memories of him bring him a little closer... and of course I know most people think I'm a total maniac for believing in any 'signs' I might see or hear or sense on another level... its so lonely out there in that world... in here its kinder and gentler as we share... and grieve... the clock is ticking towards Brandon's 24th birthday....

WINTER NEEDS TO GO AWAY NOW... what a nightmare February has been.... I WANT THIS HIDEOUS WEATHER GONE !!!

My cousin died as a result of alcohol too.. he had tried so hard to quit drinking... his job put him in situations where there was social drinking that he couldn't seem to get out of doing as part of what he thought was expected of him... he crashed and was killed on his way home... either from the alcohol alone or because it caused him to go to sleep at the wheel.... it was a tragedy for his family for sure.. and he was such a friendly person, and so funny.... and it was impossible to tell when he had been drinking or not I think.... he 'handled' it well if such a thing is even possible.... alcohol is a terrible drug if you can't control it.... as bad as any drug I think.. I mean it can destroy you just as badly as most of the problem drugs today...

I know Jill...

I can only say that I have always found Zell to be personally kind and well meaning. There were times when I interacted with her and Bluebird and also Jo and have some great, very healing conversations. By interacting with others, I was able to read an absolutely stunning ADC, that was the most extraordinary one I have come across. I have found that when death hits close, that there are some incredible encounters across the veil and spiritual experiences that can follow bring some measure comfort to all. However, Loss just sucks. Six months before my son died, my cousin's son, also named Jesse, died at age 22. I brought my son there to attend that funeral. In October my son died. Since, my mom has had 4 siblings die in the last year so it has been tough there. She is now the oldest. Death sucks, grief sucks. As we were preparing to bury my one uncle (who was the grandfather of my cousin's son who died before mine), my sister's father-in-law passed the day I came down to support my mom, so then we dealt with two funerals at once. Then that same weekend, my father's friend (my age) who I was just introduced to had his daughter die on Mother's Day( that weekend last year). My father attended the 20 year old girls funeral on the same day my older sister, Julie, passed in 2001. This has all happened in a brief 2.5 year span... Loss just sucks no matter what. It just does.

Thanks Jill...

And Yesterday I found out that a very good friend who was one of th few that supported me during this time with Jesse is most likely terminal with stomach cancer. She is only slightly older than me. Yeah, Loss just sucks...no matter what.

AP, we are all here to support you, listen to you and you can repeat yourself as much as you need to.  HUGS!

everything falls apart when we lose a child... everything... and nothing else matters much either... I used to worry about 'getting' old... then overnight I became old from my very core to my wrinkled spotted sagging face... everything about me feels old.... tired... one step at a time-ish... or no steps... just sleep.. if I CAN sleep... and the dread and fear of having something ELSE like this to happen.. I can barely believe I had a happy life once...

so AP we do understand and wish you didn't have to understand TOO... its all just too horrible ...

I agree, I feel like I've aged 10 years in not even 4 months. 

Welcome AP, sorry to welcome you here... but there is a lot of love and support.  I can't sleep, I am so tired.

I can't remember ever being happy, it's hard to imagine we will ever be happy again.  Hugs to everybody..

Yes we need to sleep and it's the hardest thing to do without help. When everything is quiet, the mind just goes to all the memories, the what-ifs, the whys. And it is so hard to function on no sleep. I usually take a lunesta which doesn't leave me with any side effects. But I don't want to have to take a sleeping pill every night.... I came down with a cold or flu yesterday and woke up early, not able to go back to sleep, tripped over the cat in the dark, spilled my glass of water and had to turn on the light to clean it up. Woke up my husband who is also sick. And i just broke down and sobbed for an hour. What a away to start the day. I just feel like  like a mess...

I know how you all feel. I have also gained 20 pumnds this past 2 years, and feel I've aged so much. I don't even want anyone to take a picture of me. On a high note, my husband won an award the other night. A Golden Reel Award for his music editing work on "Birdman" We had the photo on the "red carpet" and I just was dreading seeing that photo. It's not too bad but I cropped the hell out of it! I am so proud of my husband. the last two years it really is as if he's had an angel on is shoulder as far as the work he's had the opportunity to do. That night all I wanted to do was tell Daniel "Daddy won!" I'm sure he knows but there's nothing better than having your child proud of you. I know my husband was missing him so much. So I sent my son a text on his phone that we still keep active...

I saw you posted that about your hubbie, Congrats!! That is super exciting!! Oh I'd love to see that pic of the 2 of you!! What milligram is the Lunesta - I didn't want sleeping pills but i'm so damn tired and I keep waking up like every two hours and most times I can't go back to sleep.  My dr. gave me 3 mil. but it's not really helping and she said don't take it more then 3 times a week, which I don't want to anyway!

I know what you mean, it's the silliest stupid things and we just lose it.  I am the SAME way!

I'm catching a cold today, yuck!! I was waiting for Feb. 16 for the renewal on my iPhone to get the 6, cus I had the 4 - got it yesterday and it's like - who cares! Nothing frigging matters...I hate hate hate feeling like this all the time and nobody understands but us.  Oh you texted him - I want to text Randy - I was terrified that his text of his last love you..wouldn't show on my phone but it did.  Makes me feel connected from a stupid phone.  Didn't go to work yesterday, too friggin sad, uggg! Hugs to you Connie.. way cool about your hubby!

I wake up at night and can't sleep either and like Connie said, your mind just won't stop, usually I think of bad things, drug times, craziness...if I think of happy things with him, it hurts even more.. I went out with friends on Sunday and we actually had a really good time, just laughing and it was good.

Connie, That is so cool about your husband's award. I know that even when good things happen it is sad too. I always want to tell my son stuff about my day, and it makes me cry to know I can't...hugs!

Sandy my Lunesta is 2ml. Usually lets me sleep through the night (with only one bathroom  trip) then able to go back to sleep and wake up normally. But it seems like it's working less so yeah it's not good to take them every night. So every other day or so, I'm exhausted! Sometimes I'll try a benedryl which doesn't seem to work anymore either. I think I'm going to try walking later at night  to see if that helps. Onlyhen I am singing  or engrossed in music I can rest my mind.

Thanks for your kind words for my hubby.

I don't think I ever knew how happy I was... I didn't appreciate the happiness I had enough... I even took it for granted sometimes and gambled with it in a way... like fighting about nothing important really... being all insecure and needy when my guys were relying on me for their very LIVES and I dared to worry about ME??? I have to struggle with hating myself.. I have had this all my life... and then I get so MAD at myself because even HATING myself is all ME ME ME.... I just am so totally clueless anymore....

I LOVE that you message your son.... I talk to Brandon in bits and pieces all the time... sort of like I talk to God... I can't do the sit down long involved praying.. never could.. it always sounded so pat and dry and without passion... like I'm almost reciting it from memory ... and its sort of like that because the needs seem to go on and on and it seems like the prayers will never be answered except with 'no'... but if I don't even ASK???.... and I don't dare let myself really talk to Brandon for more than just little hellos and what are you up to? and just trying to sense him on some level when I am playing music I think he led me to.... I don't care if other people think I'm crazy anymore.. what does that mean you think?

and KUDOS to your husband Connie..... some LIGHT in the darkness.. ALWAYS feels good to hear GOOD things happening to those I have grown to love in here...

at least I'm retired and can stay home ..well that and medical appointments and food shopping ...which is too much for me already

I sound terrible... just dragging everybody down.... sorry ... some days I just seem to go off a little...

Dolly Please don't ever worry about "dragging everyone down". Altho I get that too. After a certain amount of time you start expecting YOURSELF to be okay in a way and feel guilty about that!!!! I know how you feel about taking things for granted. I think of the things that made me depressed while my son was here. I lost my baby, Emily Rose, at 5 months pregnant,  when Daniel was two and I kind of never got over that and could never have another child (had 2 more miscarriages) and felt guilty that Daniel did not have a sibling. So I was always worrying about what I DIDN'T have instead of the treasure I did. I hate that about myself too...I wish so badly to right my wrongs but all I can do is struggle with trying to love myself somehow so I am not so self destructive. It's tough. Everything is tough.

I can't speak for your daughter-in-law but with my cousin ... his wife finally left him to get him to quit... which he did for awhile.. maybe he had still been on the wagon when he crashed his car.. maybe after all the effort it took him to quit drinking he fell asleep and crashed anyway... its so sad and so hard to understand but I know my cousin's wife loved him and did her best to get him to stop drinking .. and he STILL died.. so I just don't know what we can do any of us to stop these things from happening... but I know its tempting to look for things that might have changed things... I do it all the time.. and it never really helps though.. I just end up being mad or sad or both...