Oh Jill, the story about "Joshie" is way cool, I know what you mean about the signs...we want these things to be sings and I think yours was... you are right Josh is not a very common name these days and I never heard anybody called Joshie.  I haven't really had any, except we have a sun room and for the last 3 months a hummingbird has flown inside 3 times.  We had lived there 6 months prior and the hummingbird never came in.  One time was after I was screaming at Randy in my backyard crying asking how he could leave me like this and how would I go on.  So I don't know, I don't know anything just that this pain hurts so friggin bad, we wonder if we'll ever just be "OK" again.  We all need each other on here and I thank you all for supporting me and being there so I can vent and talk and cry or whatever. I like that you know your son has found peace, I should feel that way about my Randy but I don't yet.  He was in so much pain, that hurts so much knowing that I couldn't help him and he couldn't ask us to help him, he just kept doing more drugs.

Oh Maureen, I'm glad you are having a good day.  I have better days when the sun is shining. Drugs hurt relationships, they change the person, I'm sorry you didn't see your son for a while, I didn't see Randy for a few weeks and we live in the same city.  I begged him to come over but he didn't, and I hate myself 'cus I had lunch plans with him 2 days prior and I cancelled cus I was short handed at work..I could have gone. I didn't even get to see him.  I'm so heartbroken. I wish I felt better cus he's not hurting any more but I am hurting and feel I always will be.

Hugs and love to everybody here.

We couldn't change things... I wish I could have had one more chance to put him back in rehab but he had to want to change.  I ask myself the same things...when did he do heroin? Why would he ever do it? Why why why and there are no answers.  That makes it really really hard too! Ladies we will never have the answers we need.. Hugs and love

Dolly Michael would love it!!!!  THANK YOU for thinking of me.  Michael Mommy Loves you!!!!!

I shook my son and shook him and slapped him and screamed at him and he DIDN'T wake up...

I can NOT imagine losing my husband but I KNOW what it is like to lose your CHILD...

I don't know if I can understand your grief fully and I hope I never will

and I don't think you can understand mine and I hope you never will..

after all the shaking and the slap and the screaming came the CPR and more screaming and praying and begging God and nothing changed the fact that he was GONE just like that .... just NOT THERE ANYMORE... my baby ... God I miss you BRANDON you little sweetheart of a man... and you were a man a REAL man ... full of courage I have NEVER seen anything like... and still in all your painful years you were our LIGHT and JOY... and now we are all here waiting til the day we will be with you TOTALLY again... love you my son my beautiful son..

always sweet, always loving, always full of joy... when you left this earth you left a colder sun, a crueler land, a hole so black and deep that NOTHING can ever fill it except to be with you one day... my hope... please God ... for to NEVER see you again is beyond my ability to contemplate... it just can NOT be .. please God

How do you deal with their birthday? The day you brought them into the world.  How do you deal with the loss of the future, that every mother dreams of? How do you answer "how many children do you have"? How do you sit through weddings and birth announcements knowing your child won't have any? How do you talk to the grandchild left with no dad or mom? What do you say to the parent that had to nurse their child to their death?

Zell no offense but your describing "almost" while those of here didn't have the outcome that you had. We never got to feel "relieved" and we never will.  Again no offense but I don't want to read about an "almost" while I'm trying to keep myself from a total melt down.

I know Teresa. It sucks. It like the more of these special days go by, the thought of facing a lifetime of them seems impossible.

It is especially hard for you having the birthday and Valentines on the same day. I'm sorry.

I got valentines from my mom and sister with little gifts , like we have all our lives. I can't even do that because I don't want to think about Valentines Day. Even though I have by dear husband, he doesn't want to have to deal with such "happy' occasions either. So I think unconsciously I block it all out. Guess it will have to be a cyber card from me this year.

Happy Birthday Michael. I love you.

Someone asked about how you sit through weddings when you know your child won't have any...

I have a friend (used to be a BFF but since my son died she has shunned me)...well she sent me a invitation to her firstborn son's wedding...at first my husband thought we should go, I had my doubts...now today as my husband and I talked, he too realizes that it just won't work to attend. Not that she has been any where close to support me...just as first and when she saw how intense the grief was she booked...

...she has a very nice life, very easy...and yet she takes anti-anxiety medication and a anti-depressant (I am not sure what for)...I think if she lost her firstborn she would go crazy...not that I wish this fate on anyone...but I think there are some who just are too uncomfortable with a bereaved mom...what is really strange to me is how much she attends church (she is a songleader and her husband has been a deacon for years), she encouraged her son to go into the ministry and yet she cannot handle death, or be of assistance to me, her supposed BFF. I do not think she realizes that those in the ministry are supposed to be able to assist others in transition, the grieving, and death rites it should not be just a social club where those who have the perfect life can parade around. So  I do not think we are going to be attending after all...I don't have the energy to cope with how my son isn't here, this is my second child death and my infant son is laid to rest not far from where she lives...

....but the feeling of isolation is there...my son did so much with us...It is 28 months out, and even though the raw pain and surrealness has faded, it has been replaced with hard, cold reality...the missing...the outrage of the injustice of it all...

...we are still in the trial....it will go on until June...I am so fatigued...everyone has left basically...we sit alone...

Thinking of you Theresa...Happy Birthday Michael, sending lots of hugs your way x0

Hey Laurie...I don't blame you for not going.  I'm sorry about your friend.  Some people can't cope and don't know what to say.  One of my best friends has really let me down also.  Just ignores the whole situation like everything should just be ok and we just go on.  What a joke, right? It is a very lonely place we are. Sending you love and hugs.

Happy Valentines Day my friends...

Connie you posted something yesterday that I skimmed through about having "experiences" and believing our kids are around us in a different form.  I was real busy at work and I want to read it again and I can't find it.  If you have it can you repost it, I wanted to read it more clearly today. I'm curious as to what you have seen your whole life.  I struggle with where my Randy is, the not knowing is very hard.  I do believe in heaven but I dont' even know what I want to say. ugg so very hard.  This time last year he was in rehab and I took him a card and candy.  I miss him so and I know we all feel the same whole in our entire being and our hearts.  Love to everybody...

Happy Heavenly Birthday Michael...

Thanks Sandy for your comments...this experience really sorts out the people in our lives...

Sandy I was really  expressing a lot yesterday and thought I had said too much maybe. I will send you the post

No Connie, you didn't say too much, I feel we are all able to say anything and everything on here, but I found what you were saying so extremely interesting...I want to believe it so much. hugs to you today x0

Happy Birthday in heaven Michael! hugs Teresa and everyone

Laurie - it is hard to support others who have not found it in themselves to support us during our greatest need. You have to do what is right for you. It is sad when those who we thought were our best friends can't deal with our grief. I have also had that experience also.

Does anyone know why are the comments not showing up on the side of the page like they used to? Did I do something wrong in my settings or have they changed it?

Happy valentines Day to Kyra, my first angel. Everyday since your passing a little of myself travels with you. I love you forever.

Hugs to you Teresa and happy birthday Michael in heaven. Love and hope to all of us this Valentine's Day.

Thanks Zell. I will have to see if I can find it now that I know. I agree - I liked it on the side!

I just don't see where the comments are anymore! arrgh!

I am having a real case of waterworks and feeling so sad. My husband always goes to ski camp with his buddies every valentine's/Presidents weekend since the kids were toddlers. Being alone was fine as the kids grew up, but since Kyra's death it isn't so easy. As I was sitting at the computer sobbing I begged Kyra for a sign that she was okay, praying for the cardinal to appear at the feeder. I looked out at the lilac tree and there were the male and female cardinal. They flew away so quickly but it gave me chills. I know to others who have not lost a child I would seem like a nut looking for signs, but it seems like such a blessing and warms my heart. Love to all Lynn

Hugs Lynn. Love the cardinals. Ask and you shall receive! I see huge birds here and always think it is a sign from Daniel. Remember the eagle I saw at the ashrama then again the next day right above me? We don't have eagles here. Anyway, I always think that Daniel is saying "Look mom, I can fly. Look what I can do. As if he is riding the back of the bird. I hope they are free and happy and fly like the birds....

Okay the comments are back on the right side of the page. thank you!

Happy Birthday in heaven, Michael... you are so dearly missed...

THANK YOU!  I appreciate everyone of you for the love and support that you give.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE! MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!

Everyone flooded me with phone calls, texts, and messages today.  The love and support was overwhelming.  Yet I still cry for my Michael!

Maureen I strongly agree! 

As I sit here dealing with my Michael's birthday the post with "almost" and "relieved" is tearing me apart.  I almost feel teased.

I too do not believe that someone who has not lost a child can even begin to fathom what it does to a mother... its a grief that just takes you over.. there isn't any almost... and never any relief.... its a done deal and it is SO horrible and SO crushing.... I know some try to sympathize... but I don't think those efforts can begin to touch me... I can't think about how to answer the questions... I don't WANT to answer them ... and my real friends are those who know what I am talking about here... sadly because have first hand knowledge of the horror... I don't want to negate or minimize anyone else's grief.. I NEVER want to find out what it's like to lose my mate...God willing that will NEVER happen to me .. please God...  but I do not want to feel unable to freely express my pain ... and to be honest I am never really able to be open except with those who really do know what I'm talking about... I have lost all sorts of close loved ones... but NOTHING prepared me for this... I can only hope I don't have to face a worse kind of grief EVER or I think I will surely go totally insane...

and Brandon would be turning 24 this month.... what age are you in heaven sweet one?  Are there 'ages' in heaven? I wonder about heaven more and more... I daydream about it.... I want to be more aware of it on any level that isn't wrong in God's eyes... I don't want to be deceived but I do want signs and whatever sort of communication is right if any.... looking for something .... there is so often the sweetness of lilies that surrounds me out of nowhere... but I always want more...

Has anyone seen anything of Jacki Splittorf? She posted about losing her little son not long ago but I haven't seen her at all since then... she has been on my heart...

TERESA I'm sorry... I just posted a bunch of comments on YOUR PAGE by mistake... I meant them for someone else who's comments in here were upsetting me... I'm a total dork....

Sharon, it is never easy to see someone join us. I am so sorry you have to live this.  My heart and prayers are with you as you try to understand this.  Please know we are here to support you and to share what we are learning as we travel down this road.  Troy loves you and always will.

I saw the response Zell had for Dolly. I would never minimize anyone's grief but it is very obvious by her response she is just another person who just doesn't "get it."

While she made an attempt to relate to us, she just can't.  This is a grief you just can't begin to understand until your child is the one gone.

For me melting down and then reading things like "almost" and "relieved" felt like being teased.  I wish my situation was "almost" but it's not.

Now to try and tell us it is our fault she is walking away from support is just terrible wrong.  We expressed to her how she was affecting us and  instead of just quietly backing out she wants to justify herself and tell  us it is our fault she is walking away form support. 

I truly think there is a reason rooms are divided on here.  I think it is much more helpful to talk to those who share the same experience. 

I would never go to a site for a lost spouse and start telling people how to face it.  Simply because it is not my experience. 

We all recognized her grief while she recognized none of ours.  Yes I'm feeling angry. 

Zell I wish you the best and again I'm sorry for your loss.  I hope some day you find love again. 

I hope Zell finds help in here... I didn't want to hurt her more but this month is tearing me up... Brandon's birthday month...and there have been times when I felt like it could have turned out differently if only I had checked him SOONER instead of going out to the balcony for a morning cup of coffee first...I had no clue what was going on as I sat there enjoying my coffee... and it makes me feel like such a horrible mother.... so I guess when Zell talked about 'almost' losing her son it just was the last thing I could hear... sorry Zell... and also since my husband has been fighting his health issures I am terrified of losing him TOO and so its hard for me to put it all together without imploding or exploding... and I guess this time I exploded emotionally... I hope Zell can find help somewhere in here though... I would never wish a grieving person to be alone...

Sharon so very sorry to have to welcome you to our group. My beautiful son was 18 when I lost him October 27th.  It's the worst thing ever, the pain is unbearable.  So sorry and drugs are taking so many of our babies, it's just sickening. Sending you hugs.