I'm losing focus, I feel so lost, this month is hitting me hard.  I can't seem to distract myself.  All I can think about is that last call and where he would be now.  My fake face is getting tight, all I want to do is throw it away but I know I need it to make it through each day. 

I live for the day when this gets easier. 

Teresa, im sorry you are having a bad time, but I know what you mean, I to feel that way everyday. like falling deeper and deeper. I hope it gets a little easyer for you, hugs and love  kim

Teresa, you are saying how I feel exactly.  Each day seems to be getting harder.  I cried so much yesterday, the pain is getting deeper. The thought that I'll never see my sweet baby again is making me beyond sick.  I'm so busy at work and I can't focus either.  I just don't know why he couldn't have asked for help.  I want him so much.  Yesterday I was thinking I took him candy on Valentines Day last year when he was at rehab and he was so happy.  I'll never be happy again. How could he do this.

I am with you all. I put on a mask everyday too and most days am alone at home and that's when it truly hits me that life has become unbearable.

I could have managed all challenges with my son being there and many many things which have happened since would never have happened. I have been trying to somehow make everything work out fine but I really don't think a day will come when it gets easier. 

They say sorrow is build up by one's thoughts, and identifying with those thoughts but I do not know how not to identify when the very basis of it is that my son is a huge part of anything that i am. Only death will prove to be fine because as long as I live I will have ti love without my son. The years stretch before me and it is horrendous.I am certainly feeling very low and even on the days that I am not all I can manage is to push insistent thoughts away.

When people ask me whether I have children all i can say is that 'we' ,meaning my husband and me do not have any children but i always feel like I am a traitor and betrayer of everything I ever held dear and close to my heart. How the hell to live like this?

The support of this room is beautiful.  THANK YOU!!!!

Michael mommy loves you. Everyday I miss you more and more!!!!!

Vasanthi I also struggle with that idea that sorrow is perpetuated by our thoughts. One of the Vedante principles I am learning. What I struggle with is the fact that I can understand that if you allow yourself to dwell on thoughts of all the horrors, they will overcome you. That is why meditation is so important to quiet your mind and try to allow some peace to enter. The problem is not my thoughts (which I admit can absolutely cause me to spiral into a puddle and retreat.) It's the feelings. The feeling of hollowness, emptiness, no motivation, despair. How do we  control how we FEEL?!!! How do you explain that hole in your heart to those who have not lost or even had a child? How do I find my "purpose" in life now and move forward when I feel like I just want to go back and have a do-over? How do I find peace with the fact that I will never see that sweet face again or get that hug? So far, I don't. All I can do is try to do things in this world that would make him proud of me but don't think I'm doing a very good job right now. I'm trying to keep my heart open give my friends and family love. But I feel like I'm running out of steam. I want my son back. that is all.

Somebody asked me yesterday if "I was better".

How totally stupid is that? I'm not sick.

I lost my oldest baby Oct. 31, 2014. He was 21 and died of a drug overdose. Losing a child is just not comparable to anything. I get offended when people say they know how I feel. He struggled with drug addiction since his early teens. I just can't get past all the guilt I feel about the state of our relationship, and well...there's just too much to go into. Someone please tell me things will be okay someday.

Maureen, I know for me in the first year I kept waiting for someone to tell me magic words that would make all this easier but those words never came.

If we told you this will go away some day we would be lying to you.  I can only tell you what others told me and that is in time you will learn to manage it.  I'm no expert at managing it but I get it now. I'm learning to do that.  My fake face cracks now and then but not as much as it use to. My grief has become more private now.

Unless they walk in your shoes they have no clue what we are experiencing. I use to get angry at some of the things said to me, but now I smile and walk away cause I know they just don't get it.

Right now this all feels impossible but I promise you while it's a long road we will all be here to support you, share with you and listen to you. 

For me I didn't see my progress until I saw someone else come in behind me. While I want no one to come behind me it was those who helped me see my progress.   

Thank you Teresa. I'm trying. I don't want to be angry or offended, although I think it's easier than feeling guilty. I also have a 3 year old son and I run a home daycare which is a welcome distraction during the day most of the time. But then at night, I just don't sleep. I think in the last 2 weeks I had 2 nights of sleep. 

Sandy that must be the "sickness" that I need to "take a pill so you won't cry everyday".....

Maureen I am so so sorry for your loss. I know you are devastated and overwhelmed. I hope we can be a good support for you here as you go through this sad journey we all share. Try to find a local support group also when you feel ready. Sending you love and prayers.

Hi Connie, yes please may I have a prescription for that pill? The things people say are just too much, but we all know "they don't get it". I hope they never have to find out.

Maureen, I am so very sorry, there's no words that can express the pain we are feeling.  I lost my 18 year son to heroin on October 27th.  I can't believe it's real, I don't want it to be real.  The days are so hard and there is so much pain.  We just pretend to be ok when we are dying inside.  I read a book "I wasn't ready to say goodbye" which gives some good tips.

I cry, I have screamed many many times and really that's all we can do. Just one day at a time.  I guess maybe far in the future it might not hurt quite so much, but I know the pain will never go away.  I miss him so much, I want to see him and help him.  He wouldn't let us help him.  This time last year he was in rehab and I was so scared.  I guess there was a good reason to be scared. Now it's just pain.  We are all here for you though and for each other and I'm so very grateful for that.  Hugs and love.

I am on the same timeline as some of you here...it will be 28 months since my son, Jesse left. I read through some of the comments and I could have written them. After the numbness wears off, the sheer terror of this new reality keeps trying to invade my brain. I know I haven't accepted it, only to a degree. Each day waking up, there is the adjustment I have to do to face the world. Somedays I don't face anything, like today I just stayed in my pajamas and stayed home. My very old-time friend's son is going to get married in March,  her firstborn. I am forcing myself to attend the second celebration dinner. I am glad for her (and her son), but it makes my reality all the more real. The dinner will be close to the location where my other son, an infant son is buried. So maybe afterwards, I will go to his grave site. I feel like I have been backhanded across the galaxy and most days cannot get my footing. And I am very limited to who I will associate with these days. I don't need someone to yank the rug out from under me when there is so little to hold on to who has no understand the depth of what is like to loss a precious child. Sending gentle thoughts to all.

Mom loves you Jesse and Taylor, and always will...peace will be found one day but not here.

OMG Laurie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it's been for you to have lost 2 sons.

Thank you for sharing. Thank you all for sharing. I'm so sorry for all of our losses. It's not fair. 

Jill, these dates are so hard to get through, sending you love and prayers

jill im so very sorry, I to lost my beautiful son, my only child. the pain is like no other.  hugs to you   kim

I am so sorry for all of us :(

Thanks Maureen for your kind words. Sending gentle thoughts to us all...

Jill. notifications should come to you in your regular e-mail account whenever someone makes a post to a group that yo are in. You can just click on the link in your e-mail. Depending on how your computer's server is set up, the notifications may be going to a "suspect spam"folder if you have one or into your spam if you did not put in your settings where they should show up. If you want you can have them go directly to your inbox.

Good luck!

Love and hugs to everyone

I may get smacked for saying this by somebody but anyway.. I think we may be able to have points of ... I don't want to say 'contact' exactly... maybe more a point of awareness or presence with ... our kids that have left this earth... with Brandon its at least partly MUSIC.. and nature...natural things like birds and dancing trees... where we are closer to them and they to us than we can imagine

Dolly I think we do have "points of contact". You know I believe our children are with us. I think those points come up when our hearts are open and both we and our children can experience something with them in their new form. There is much more to our existence this reality. At least I am counting on it. I have had an amazing experience recently where I know my son was guiding "coincidences". You'll always see the magic in your dancing tree. <3

I just know my Michael is there when I seem to need him the most.

Last week I was having a bad melt down when I stood there and begged Michael to let me see a sign of him.  I told him over and over how I needed to see him.

Later that day I was driving down a road when I saw  a sign on the side of the road that read, "If your looking for a sign here it is".  At first I cried thinking that's not funny but then I thought yes it is because that's Michael's humor.  I then knew that sign was meant for me to see. 

I agree Connie when we are able to open our hearts we will see the gifts.  That sign was my gift that day. 

And Dolly we would never slap you for seeing things or feeling things your way.

It's always so hard for me to say, Welcome.  It just doesn't sound right to me. I'm glad you found us and I hope we can give you all the support and understanding you need.

On Valentine's Day Michael would have been 32.  All I can think about is what he didn't get to do.  All the things we talked about that day. Just gone!

Oh Teresa, that is crazy about the "sign" pretty cool I think.  I'm not sure if I've had any.  I dreamed of hugging Randy a couple of nights ago and it feels so good in the dream but I am completely heartbroken when I wake up. This last week has been so hard, 15 weeks yesterday.  I miss him and want him so much.  It's hard to make it through each day.

Hi Jill and Zell. It's true, we can't possibly know all of our children's activities, especially when they don't live with us, but I think it's important to mention that even if you had known, you may not have been able to prevent his death. My son was 21 when he died of a drug overdose on Oct. 31, 2014. I knew he was addicted to drugs. I had known for years. I tried to help him for years. He tried to help himself. The disease was so powerful! He had been to rehab 3 times. He'd been to jail a few times as well. I think for me, I no longer feel I have to explain the addiction because I already did that for years. I remember the first time I had to pick him up from jail when he was a young teenager. I was horrified and whenever I would talk to anyone about it, I felt shame. I was ashamed of the horrible parent I must be to have a son that was arrested and addicted to drugs. As parents we feel responsible for our children....at any age. Alcohol is just another drug, only it's legal and socially acceptable, making it harder to see if there's a problem with it. I found this poem on Facebook. It's terrible, but true:

Now I feel I need to add that the reference to "Hell" in the poem, to me is symbolic of the life an addict lives....not what happens after death. I'm not trying to offend anyone....only help.

How are you?

This is how I handle it.

If it's just a walk by "How are you", I answer quickly, "Good" "You?"

If I can change subject before answering, I do. "Hey you look nice today" or something like that.

Lastly, "I'm okay, thank you." Again, I move the conversation to something else.

It took me a while to practice "my act" but now I'm better at it.

As Teresa has stated, "You will learn to manage it".

In your own time.

No one can understand our grief anyway.

I'm more than 2 years into this and I still stumble with the answer to certain questions.  Just like everyone else I don't want to have to explain anything or answer their curiosity.  The only thing they need to know is we lost our children.  The how and why doesn't matter.

Hey Maureen, I've seen that poem before and it is very very true and yes the reference to "hell" is what it does to them when they are living - they are in a living hell as it controls everything about them and takes everything away.  Thanks for sharing it, it makes us understand sadly what they were going through. x0

Zell have you lost a CHILD?

Teresa D - I will be thinking of you this weekend and sending you lots of healing light and love. I know it will be doubly tough on you as we get through yet another holiday. Michael loves you now and forever...

Cleaning out my shed today I found the last valentine my son gave me, a little stuffed bear that you get at the drugstore. For a teenager, it was really sweet of him to give it for me. I miss you my sweet angel, with more energy than all the suns in the universe....

Maureen thanks for sharing the poem. It is profound and i will share it with my friend whose son just lost his life to heroin. My dad also died of alcoholism and my son struggled with dependency on his prescription pain meds for Crohn's 2 years before he was killed in the car accident. It just breaks my heart that our children and loved ones fall victim to these incidious thieves. These substances really do take on a life of their own and take over.

Jill Evans - Like Jane, I too take the road of changing the subject quickly when folks ask how I am. It is always YOUR right to talk about it or not. If you feel the need to vent then do so if they ask. If not  I just say "Oh I'm okay. How r YOU? What have YOU been doing?" Just divert and skirt. If they don't know and you see them often (like your postman) you can tell him what happened and say I thought you should know. That way you won't have to deal with it over and over. When folks know, they either go away or stay and show compassion. It helps you find out just who is worthy of your trust and feelings and who might not be able to handle it and make you feel worse. Right now for you it is all so fresh. I'm sure for the first year I told everyone because I would burst out crying everywhere and just say I'm sorry, you see i just lost my only child and it is hard to deal with some days. I stopped feeling guilty about making people uncomfortable. That's life and sooner or later they must deal with the fact that none of us are promised tomorrow. Perhaps it even makes them more grateful for their own lives and the people they love. This is my reality and I'm not worried about those who want to pretend that death is not a part of life. But I get it...what we endure is every parents nightmare and no one wants to go there.

Thanks for being my virtual valentines! Hugs to everyone

Also I wanted to share my favorite line from "Selma". It rang so true to me and to this rocky road we walk.

"We build this path because we can. Stone by stone. "

That's how we will survive this journey until we are once again reunited with our babies. We must always keep walking towards the light, painful stone by painful stone. Together we can do it.

this is an awful month... not only is the weather sucky... but then there's Valentine's day.... I am going to make a valentine and send it to Brandon this year... here in this room... I want to send a Valentine's Birthday cake to your son too TERESA if its OK with you.. its so painful all of this... not fair not fair not fair...

Hi Jill, I love the thought of being able to have a part of my son with me when I wear the pendant I have with my son's ashes in it. I think it all depends on your perception of what your pendant means to you. I won't deny that I sometimes feel sad when I see it, or touch it because I think about what I've lost. But I'm usually able to focus on its beauty....like him. Then I tell myself that he is at peace and he is with me.

Speaking of perceptions.....today is a good day for me. The sun is shining, and we have a lot of snow so it's sparkling. Today when I think about my son, I think good things....his crooked smile, how he was so goofy, and loyal and funny. I miss him terribly but I know he's finally at peace after struggling for so long. 

When he passed, it had been a while since I had seen him. He moved away without saying goodbye. Drugs has a way of hurting relationships. He moved closer to his dad. When I was in the city where he lives, he hid from me. He knew I was there, and saw me, but later told me on the phone that he didn't want me to see him, looking the way he did. Then when I viewed his body, he didn't look like my son. He was so skinny. It may sound weird, but seeing him that way really spoke to how hard his life was getting and how much he struggled. Now for him, the struggle is over. He's in heaven and at peace. For me....that is what gets me by. That is why I have good days....because I know his bad ones are over. Rest in Peace my sweet Angel Boy.