Marsha, thank you so much for sharing. I can relate to so much that you've said about the guilt associated with their passing. I lost my beautiful Desiree' 10 months ago and was the mother of my 2 wonderful grandchildren ages 2 & 6 at the time. I often wonder if I could have done more for her instead of saying to myself "she's an adult and needs to know how to juggle her responsibilities".  My guilt is whether I should have done more to help with those life struggles.

Marie: When my daughter was 19 she moved away to do some nanny work. After her passing I kind of reverted back to those days when I missed her so much. I would think to myself, "I wish Care would get back here." Somehow it made it easier at the time to deal with it. Do whatever makes it easier for you, too. We all need time and I am still, at times, thinking if only she were here; especially for my grandchildren.

Its been 20 months for me Marsha... and I too feel 'if only I had ..." but so many times we had thought we would lose him when he was sick and hospitalized... when we DID it was a shock ... not a TOTAL shock though.. I had that nudging little feeling that all was not well that day.. and the day before... but because Brandon couldn't TELL me why he was fussy [and he wasn't VERY fussy] I just let it go.. and.. I lost him... we think it was probably a blood clot too but they didn't insist on an autopsy and I just couldn't bear to have him go through that.. dumb I guess ... but I just couldn't... now I just buy flowers for his little corner... here is the latest bunch...

We had an awful shock last night... my daughter who has been disintegrating since Thanksgiving... in and out of psychiatric hospitals... called and said "This is Brandon calling" ... we told her that was NOT funny... and hung up on her.... she called back and said that she knew somebody had killed Brandon, and named a girl's name I didn't know.. well that TOO was so wrong... he was with US and nobody else when he died... her dad said don't you ever do this again.. if you do we will BLOCK your calls.... so far she hasn't called again... it just made me crumble up inside and brought forth all kinds of guilt and fear and despair to the forefront... I've had some disturbing dreams lately too.. about people mistreating Brandon and not letting me tell them NOT to... and crying because nobody seemed to CARE... I mean in the dream... they were people from his school.. but not real people I remembered.. just people supposed to be his aide or something but strangers... people DID mistreat Brandon in school... but that was YEARS ago... its been a rough week..

Dolly I'm so sorry that you had to experience that. 

Oh Dolly - that must have been very upsetting. I am sorry you had to go through that too. I am very sorry for your daughter's health

thanks Teresa and Connie... well we heard from her again at 6AM this morning.... she had called yesterday to brag about her new 'boyfriend' she met at the hospital [another patient with a prison record to boot] and how they went on some sort of spree at Walmart... then this AM we got a call from her from the prison... my husband refused the call but it must mean they got caught... so now she is most likely in prison, will lose her apartment...etc etc etc... so on it goes...its such a sad tale about my daughter.. she came to stay with us as a newborn so we could help her bond with her mom who was incarcerated when she was born.. she was only supposed to be with us for a few months, but her mom got released and simply left her behind.. for the first few years we had her as a foster child we couldn't adopt her due to the fact that her parents were both Af Amer and me and my husband are both white... then when she was four they changed the rules so we could adopt her.. I wasn't sure it was the best placement for her though.. this is a racist community ..much worse than I even dreamed so it seems... later on the way Brandon was treated was more proof of that but he also was mistreated because he couldn't talk and tell us about it... we only found out about his abuse from other people who had witnessed it.. anyway, my daughter was badly treated as well... and in addition she has always had problems emotionally ...its just gotten to the point of disaster lately... over the years there have been countless crises too... nobody anywhere seemed to be able to change the course of her life.. she would crash and burn after a week, a month, a few months.. over and over .... nothing has ever seemed to help her... now she seems to be doing her best to self destruct...

dolly my heart is with you, hugs  kim

thanks for letting me vent... its been a horrible couple of weeks.... sometimes I feel like everything is crashing down around me all at once.. I don't know why so much pain and misery has come our way... but I do know you all understand better than most will... so many people have over the years accused us of not giving her enough time and attention..because of the boys.. it always hurt so much because the boys HAD to have our attention to SURVIVE and we gave her as much as we could.. she had more attention and 'things' than either me or my husband ever had, but I guess we fell short somehow.... I keep praying she'll wake up and see where she's headed ... but so far she doesn't seem to even CARE to change her life... thanks for listening ... seems I'm always whining about something... sorry..

We don't mind your whining.  Your going through a very challenging time.  Your daughter sounds like she has mental health challenges, which many of us know can be very draining on families.  Your an angel Dolly, throughout your life you have loved and cared for children no one else was willing to.  Brandon is now your angel.  He is there listening to the music and dancing across the floor.  And he is still wearing the big beautiful smile that you and your husband gave to him.  So if you need to vent to carry on then please VENT! We love you right back. 

dolly never say your sorry  for pouring your heart out.  I wish you all the very best and hope things get so much better for you .  hugs and love  kim

thank you all so much

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/10/getting-grief-right...

I hope this link works.

It's a very good read.

I dedicate this song to all our children.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1ttep_h5h8&feature=share

We just never know how we are going to hear from our loved ones.... I get chills just writing this... As you know the past few weeks have been especially rough for me... and it has put an extra heavy sadness and longing for my sweetest of the sweet boy Brandon... At first after he died we had many 'signs' that made us feel that he MUST still exist somewhere... but as time passes these 'signs' have dwindled off ... or maybe I have started to doubt them or not look for them because even THEY hurt.... but today I really needed one... and low and behold while we were eating lunch my husband and I decided to watch Father Brown on BBC... its a really cute detective show and he is such a darling man Father Brown... as it turns out one of the central themes of the show was about a mother who had lost her little daughter who had been severely disabled at birth [as Brandon was]... that fact alone touched me, but THEN at the end of the show the priest was comforting the mother and he repeated that wonderful poem by Henry Scott Holland that has been posted in here before... but I wanted to post it again today because I felt like my Brandon was there with us as Father Brown comforted that mother... I'm still having chills over it all... here it is:

Death is Nothing at All

I have only slipped away to the next room. 
I am I and you are you. 
Whatever we were to each other, 
That, we still are. 

Call me by my old familiar name. 
Speak to me in the easy way 
which you always used. 
Put no difference into your tone. 
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. 

Laugh as we always laughed 
at the little jokes we enjoyed together. 
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me. 
Let my name be ever the household word 
that it always was. 
Let it be spoken without effect. 
Without the trace of a shadow on it. 

Life means all that it ever meant. 
It is the same that it ever was. 
There is absolute unbroken continuity. 
Why should I be out of mind 
because I am out of sight? 

I am but waiting for you. 
For an interval. 
Somewhere. Very near. 
Just around the corner. 

All is well. 

Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before only better, infinitely happier and forever we will all be one together with Christ.

I am but waiting for you. 
For an interval. 
Somewhere. Very near. 
Just around the corner. 

All is well.

as for the poem... I agree.. I WANT to be able to believe that its an accurate picture but ...

I ask myself, have I always been this in touch with our Lord our Father?? And the true answer, the honest answer, is no. I've always had a connection but never to this degree.

So my question to us, you, has this been the case with you prior to the passing of our children?

Please do not misunderstand my question. God is good. I just need to know how it was BEFORE this nightmare.

Linda I always felt like I had a relationship with God and I always felt it was strong.  But your right, the power of God for me has grown even stronger. I know for some they lose their faith. 

For me to give up God is like saying Michael is not in heaven and I can't do that.  Michael is in heaven!!!!  

Linda, I feel like I pray differently now. I used to pray for everything, like Dear God, Please help me find a job, or please help Taylor, etc. Now I just pray for strength. I don't believe God takes, I believe bad things just happen, and God gives us people in our lives to help us make it through....

My sister mentioned this program on Grief from Dr. Oz to me the other day. Thought I would post it.

http://www.doctoroz....heal-grief-cure

How Madonna Badger Copes With Grief 3 Years After Losing Her Family

Madonna Badger shares her experience of entering an acute care unit to help battle the grief of losing her family during a Christmas fire.

Guests: Madonna Badger

Thanks for sharing Laurie. Having an extremely difficult month. Deposition is Monday. Reliving every excruciating detail and feeling very alone  in this fight. Thanks to all here! hugs

I've lost my luster for life. My husband has gone to D.R for the week and left me alone. Alone. This is all I feel anymore. Isolated. I realize it begins with me. I just can't find it in myself to be apart of "the living" anymore. What's happening to me???!!!!

Connie I can only offer emotional support in your battle.  I am thinking of you and hope the process ends quickly so you can find some peace. 

Linda, nothing is wrong with you.  We all have to do what we can to keep going.  I know I'm not who I was and I have come to realize just like my Michael was a part of me his leaving is now a part of me.  I will carry this forever.  I'm also going through many changes.  They way I see things is changing.  What's important to me is changing.  How I celebrate things is changing.  I don't know where it is all going and what it will look like but I also know things will never be the way they were.  Your okay Linda....your not the only one feeling so lost and isolated.  Your okay and we're always with you.

Thanks for your support everyone. Yesterday was brutal. I hope and pray that it doesn't go to trial and that we can get safety changes made without dragging it out and everyone through it for too long. It really exhausted me and made me go over every regret and  I ever had. They go through his whole life, I guess to determine what his "worth" would have been. Immeasurable, that's his worth.

Linda I know how you feel, even after 2 years, I need solitude. Sometimes a lot, sometimes not, but we need time to process our grief without any judgement, about it, good or bad. Today is my birthday and several friends and my husband asked me to have lunch, do something fun, celebrate. I turned them all down. After yesterday, I don't want to make small talk and I don't want to pretend and I don't even want to talk about the Daniel and the accident to anyone who doesn't really get it. I want my son back, I want him to him me that sweet hug and say "Happy Birthday Mom, I love you". And I hear him say that and it gives me strength and hope - but we all know it's not the same. But I will tell you that I know with certainly that he was with me yesterday and a few times I thought I was going to break down, I feel spirit keeping me centered and true to the cause (and I beg-prayed like crazy). I haven't always made the right choices but through it all my intention was to do what I thought was the best thing for my son. The battle is forgiving myself for things that may have I wish I could go back and do-over.  Each day I strive to do that more and more and now I hope that with what's left of my life, I can do something he would be proud of. Until then, today I choose solitude with the beautiful day so I can feel him close. But I also know that I need my friends so I'll keep my heart open.

Thank you all for being here. I just don't know anyway else to be able to express my feelings wholly and w/o judgement. My love and prayers go out to each and every one of you. Remember even when we are alone, we have each other.

I'd like to share this poem my son wrote. I came across it looking through papers for the deposition.:

A Silhouette Of a Rising Sun

by Daniel Kaplan

A silhouette of a rising son

As clear as day itself

But still a mystery

Nothing to hear but my thoughts

Nothing to see but my mind

A silhouette of a rising sun

When I am truly me.

Connie,

That is such a beautiful poem. What a gift to have found that. I am sorry it is so hard what you are going through. I will say a prayer for you today. You have such good words of wisdom. I have book club tonight, and I am so tired and my house is a complete disaster. I told my daughter I wanted to skip it, but she says I should go. I think I wear myself trying to keep my mind busy. Then I crash and my family thinks I am crazy...Anyway, sorry to go on when you're having to go through what you are today. Many hugs and prayers!

That's really nice Connie.  I also am sorry you are having such a hard time.  I feel the same way.  We all seem to be suffering more these last days.  Many hugs and love.

Oh I am sorry Connie, forgot to say Happy Birthday.. x0

Connie it is totally understandable why you need to withdraw right now.  Your day must have been emotionally draining.  I bet your right and Daniel was right there holding you up.  But now you need to drop the fake face and process it all.

I hope in your silence you can hear Daniel, saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM...I LOVE YOU!

Daniel helped you find that poem as a gift to you.

connie, I know today  your b day sucks , I hope you can hear Daniel saying it to you, holding you and singing. hugs to you and have a good day.  kim

Thanks everyone.

Love to you Connie.. what a beautiful poem Daniel wrote. Much love and wises for peace to everyone here.

Thanks. So glad he could touch your heart. I think I'm going to write music for it for our Ashram. Hugs to everyone

I'm trying to stay in the day, but it is so hard when reminders are everywhere.  Michael's birthday is on Valentine's Day.  I wish I could ignore it but it's everywhere.  For me that is the hardest day of all to deal with.  Michael you will always be my Valentine, Mommy loves you!

Teresa, I can understand how hard it is.Everyday this month builds up to V day and that really is so painful. Love to you.