Ross we all understand that feeling that we were supposed to be there to protect our kids. I am so sorry for your loss.

So nicely said Connie. I bet that annoying clock is now your favorite thing in the house. 

Connie, thank you for sharing how you get through. My son loved roses, so I may do some kind of planting this spring with family and friends. I love the rock painting idea. It is good to hear from people farther along in this journey. It is so painful right now, and I am feeling so lost. Your courage gives me hope.

Hugs and love to you all!

That annoying clock IS my favorite thing!

almost five months have passed, the holidays were rough. Still waiting for the ME report to be complete. I can't believe police can tell you that you could be in danger and then take so long. Grieving is hard enough but having major safety issues doesn't help.

Dawn, so sorry you have this to deal with on top of your grief.

I am sending all the love and hope to everyone here for best wishes for the new year. I honestly count on all of you to help me deal with this nightmare. We are a little closer to seeing them again....

Thank you Connie K

Dawn I love your profile picture.  That is a picture that little boy will cherish some day. 

Every year on New Year's no matter where Michael was my phone would ring at midnight.  The first two years I stood with the phone in my hand knowing it wasn't going to ring but still waiting for it to ring.  This year while the phone was still in my hand I knew very clearly there was no chance it was going to ring. 

Everyday I tell Michael "I can't do this" yet everyday I do it.

Progress is slow and painful but I'm moving forward in it.   

Thank You Teresa D., it hangs above his crib now so Dada can watch over him. Now I just can't wait for the day a judge will say he stays with us

Mary, my heart is with you today. HUGS!!!

mary, im thinking of you today and I know your pain. what you said is beautiful.  hugs  kim

Thinking of you today Mary, may wonderful memories of Chris be with you today and everyday. Love and peace to everyone here. Lynn 

Thank you for sharing that, Mary Chris. Your words give me courage. I will be thinking of you today. I am sure your son is with you and proud of you!

Hugs

Sending you love today Mary. So glad to hear you are thriving through your pain and I know Chris is proud. I hope I can find that someday.

Mary, it's hard to believe that Gary and soon my Chris, has been gone for two years. It's good to hear that there are things that give you joy. Your faith has carried you far, as has the knowledge that Gary is never far away from you. Blessings and hugs.

The years going by only reinforce the enormity of the loss. Sometimes I strain to remember his voice in my head , the smile is always fresh and sweet yet what i strain to remember frightens me, like slowly it may fade away and that hurts too much. I keep myself busy. I cleared the learner's permit test now and driving class and drive my husband's car till I get the license and then can get my own car. That will give me more mobility to maybe take a part time job. I just cannot stand the thought of working in school/college anymore though its what I have done all my adult life. I cannot stand being near school or college kids, somehow that hurts too much too. 

Dec 23rd its been 3 years and losing my only son ,only child has stripped me of my identity as a mom. I loved and thrived on that role..it really was the most important and joy I got from being shreyas's( micky's) mom is always will be unrivaled.Now it is like i am left to live on earth and so live I will.

There are some days when I can be quite happy and the times I am not are largely due to the sense of loss I always carry inside. We went from Dec 24th to Jan 2nd for a retreat type of thing, a vedanta retreat and I was glad to be away. 

I read what everyone writes and cheer the courage shown by all of us. This 13th is my birthday and I recall Aug 2011 when my son was with me in northern India where I was working and I told him that heyy in 2 years I will be 50! and in his smiling slightly teasing tone he had said , " well then u must have a big blast then" and then very sweetly he had said ," ohh btw u don't look it" and I had said oh yes I love the flattery. Well that year Dec 23rd he just wasn't there anymore and incongruously I had thought that ' you couldn't even wait till I was 50?'.. Well this 13th I will be 52 and I'm just in a lot of pain. His latest pic i am attaching here 

Marie thank you. Lynn I am glad you will be out for a while. It helps . This pic was taken on some mountain top near Dubai where he was then, and he had said that they drove all night and that is his 'without any sleep' face :)

I know your pain only too well, Vasanthi. I too lost my only child Desiree' just this past March in a single car auto accident. Desiree' was my breath, my heartbeat, my every moment. It's been 10 months now and I still haven't wrapped my head around it.

I pray for strength daily but find, as I am today, that I still grieve so profoundly.

Much love to you, Vasanthi.

Linda. love to you too and will keep all of us here in my daily prayers and heart

Teresa, that poem is so very true.  I put that same poem on my Randys memorial cards. It broke my heart to do it and it still does to read it, but very true for all of us. 

Vasanthi what a great picture of Shreyas. It is nice to hear from you and I know it is sad to celebrate our birthdays w/o them. Happy Birthday to you on Tuesday, I will be thinking of you. Mine is in a couple of weeks and it just doesn't seem fair. Hugs to everyone

I'm new here.  I lost my almost 4 year old son on 10/25/14 after a nearly 2 year battle with brain cancer.  Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of us (him and myself) driving from South Carolina to Indiana for his 2nd round of radiation.  I hate numbers, I hate dates...and most of all, I hate not having him here with me.

thank you Connie, Sandy. Teresas, Michelle, Dolly have not heard from you all, keep well, love to all here 

Oh Jacki, I am so very sorry. What a beautiful little guy, welcome to our group, as sad as it it, but we are all here for each other. Sending you strength and hugs..it's very hard.  11 weeks today that I lost my beautiful 18 year old son.  It's all so heartbreaking.. x0

VISANTHI that picture of your son is so beautiful... it almost looks like Heaven...

I have been coming in almost daily and reading, but have felt paralyzed about writing... I guess its just I don't know what to say anymore... yesterday we had to go have our eyes checked and were at the eye doctors for two hours or more and then ran some errands ending up with the grocery store... as the day wore on I felt more and more tense, and less and less like I was really THERE and part of what I was DOING... I bought Brandon some flowers at the grocery store... something I've been doing for awhile now... this time yellow lillies and pink tulips... and as always it both comforts me AND tears me apart to pick them out.... by the time we got home at 5PM I was completely exhausted... I shouldn't have been exhausted from what I did.. I mean physically it wasn't enough to exhaust me.. yet still EMOTIONALLY I can't seem to rebound from this horrible loss... its like I can't talk about it anymore to anyone who hasn't gone through the same sort of crushing helpless agony of losing a child.... they act like its all in the past now and I should be fine by now... but even though I TRY to be fine... I'm NOT fine.... I ache for my son...every day... every night.... it does NOT go away... I'm still having so much trouble getting anything done... I don't want to go anywhere at ALL... every slight change in plans throws me for a loop... I'm afraid of the future... because his dying was such a SHOCK.. and I don't know when the next shock is coming and what it might BE... and I don't WANT any more of this... EVER... but I know it will come.... so I'm afraid and anxious.... sorry I'm not uplifting.... some of you have faced things that are so mind boggling to me... had to deal with things that must have torn you apart ... I constantly have 'WHY' in my head.... I DO care about you all and what you are going through... I just have nothing much I can say anymore....

JACKI in the years prior to Brandon's death we spent time with him in the hospital several times .... at least one of those times we thought he would die from the horrible infection he had caught in the hospital the LAST time before he had been in... he went in first for shunt revision and came home with a horrible bed sore that was infected with some awful thing that it ate right down to his bone and never went away totally after three years of trying to heal it... I know what its like to walk those hospital halls feeling helpless and alone and full of worry and dread... my heart goes out to you... nobody should have to lose their darling four year old.... its just wrong.... its just not the way its supposed to be.... my head and my heart scream out THIS IS NOT RIGHT.. THIS IS WRONG... and yet we are still here and have to go on... please lean on us all you need to ... we will never judge you or tell you to 'get over it' or anything like that ... we have all bared our souls in here and we will only love you....

JACKI, im so very sorry for your loss.  I to have lost my son, my only child. in this room you will find these people are more like family then friends. you know the pain you are in,  hugs and love to you     kim

Jacki, I am so sorry for your loss. There isn't anything to say that will help, but this site has helped me keep my sanity.

Dolly, I think I know the terrified feeling you are feeling. I am terrified to let go, and I am terrified with the realization that terrible things really do happen to me. How long has it been for you? I lost Taylor four and a half months ago, and the pain just get more intense and crushing!

Hugs to everyone

Dolly am glad to hear from you.I was worried . I do so understand what you all say. Today is my birthday and the only one who mentioned my son in a message was Michelle from our group here. Others simply pretend or don't say anything about him. It is as though he was never ever there and that hurts most of all. Not that I want them to keep talking about my son when they talk to me but even when I called my mother she said everything nice and loving but we didn't talk about my son. I know she means well and did not want me to feel hurt , its not about my mother or anyone else, just felt that the only one who said have a great day, your son is with you was from this wonderful group here.

Teresa , your friend is so right, time will pass, the present will force itself and force us to move with it, yet the haunting hurt of losing the tangible presence of our very own sweet sweet children will remain deep inside.

Dolly like you said its just not right, it almost is illegal for something like this to happen and Jackie how sweet your son is, he is cradled in God's arms safe and sound.

My dearest friends, which is all here , there are times I am positive that for those who 'go' all is well and it has to be, so for us who are here till our time is served, I wish you all the love i have and all the peace which only God can give.

Vasanthi, Happy Birthday. I understand how you feel so well. Those who have not had this experience really can't even  begin to get it. All we want for our birthday is to be with our children, even if it through memories and others embracing the joy they brought to this world. I want to say, Please don't forget them or not talk about them because any tears you may see are there already. We need to express our sorrow in missing them, especially on special days. I know Shreyas is with you and so are all of us. <3 <3

Dolly, I get it. It is amazing how little can cause me to be soooo weary. And too weary too even speak because sometimes words just don't express what we feel.

Jacki - I sent a message on your page. I am so so sorry for all your have been through and your loss.

Love and prayers to everyone

My niece had a baby girl yesterday and I am blessed to have a new little niece. But it made me start remembering when Daniel was born and when I looked at his baby picture this morning, I haven't stopped crying since. I miss him so much. It seems as no time has pased

It's amazing the things you remember.  Right now most of my memories are of the things I long to truly forget.  I know with time those bitter memories will be replaced with the happy and more joyous occasions, but for now the sadness is overwhelming and unescapable. 

Thank you all for your kindness and generosity.  I feel blessed to have found this amazing group of wonderful people. 

My daughter passed away suddenly early one Friday morning. She had had symptoms of the blood clot that killed her, but did not go the doctor in time to do anything about it. I will never forget the call from her neighbor, nor my grandchildren clinging to me their tears muffled in their throats. My 11 year old granddaughter found her & when she couldn't wake up her mother, she called the neighbor. It's been 5 years now. The pain was so great for the first year, I could hardly breath and every moment was filled with guilt. "What kind of mother am I not to have taken care of my daughter?" Reason told me she was an adult. She knew something was wrong. She did not heed my admonitions to go to the doctor. But a mother doesn't listen to reason. A mother only feels what's in her heart. With each year, the pain has lessened a little except for those times my guilt-ridden heart whispers to me; less often now. I see my grandchildren growing up without a mother and how much they miss her every day. I see them struggle to find comfort for their loss and my breaks breaks all over again for them. My grandson, the eldest child now 19, whenever he is angry or hurt, still visits his mother's grave trying to make a connection of sorts. My granddaughter, now 16, still calls out for her mother when life treats her unfairly. We are doing better then we were 5 years ago. You learn to exist with the pain beneath the surface where you are mindful of it, but where it is locked away until something occurs to open it up: a smell, a song, a flower she loved. Then your heart remembers the hurt again. And you are swallowed up with pain for a while. I hope everyone can find the comfort and relief from the pain in their own way. To those whose grief is new I say keep remembering and talking. The worst thing a person can do is lock the pain away & ignore it.

Thanks Marsha for posting that. I am about 27 months out. I think there will always be those moments of being swallowed up by pain as you said. For me, there are still some very raw days and I still limit my time in public instead seeking a quieter life...it is all I can handle.

For the first 2 years I tried to convince myself of everything but the truth.  Eventually we face the reality of our situation.

Marsha, thank you for sharing that. Knowing what is to come helps me prepare to face it.