Michele sending you lots of prayers and love today. No doubt your son will be with you. (((  )))

michelle, thinking of you today, hugs and love  kim

Love to you and Christopher today. May you feel his presence today and everyday.

Oh I bet it was a sign! The other day I found my son's student ID in my pocket, which I usually carry in my wallet. I swear I didn't put it there. My daughter said I probably did absent mindlessly, but I don't think I did. Than last night there was a glass from a set that I bought while yard selling with my son this summer sitting on the sink, I am positive I didn't put it there either. Maybe I am going crazy, but I think they are signs too.

Hugs to you!

Wow Marie! Really? That is just crazy, both of those things...that's amazing I am sure it is Taylor..

Same to you Davi, the text thing is crazy too, I have yet to receive any signs..I sure would like to.

It's a really hard day today, but I guess they all are - hugs to everybody.

Davi, the first night my son had passed I received a text message, It said

"Thanks...Jesse"

The text message was in the line where the phone number or contact name usually is...and there was no phone number attached. This has never happened before or after that date.

Beautiful Laurie. Thanks for sharing.

Beautiful Laurie...

This 23rd it will be 3 years that Shreyas or Micky as I call him left me grappling with a new reality. Everyday I battle sorrow which lies heavy on my heart. i try not to cry but the tears flow. Sometime I laugh at the jokes I remember or his gentle teasing and sweet smile. 

I draw strength from the fact that you all are there on this same path and that I am not alone.I read what is said here and marvel at the courage. I know how crippling is this blow. I tell myself to get to the meaning behind this and take strength in the scriptures and books and teachings of holy souls who mastered the art of living through pain and happiness with equanimity. 

I will try my level best to find this key that unlocks this riddle of life. I will because that is the best tribute I can pay to the wonderful soul who came as my own for such a short time. 

Yes, beautiful Laurie and what you wrote Vasanthi is beautiful. I too believe that it is a great tribute to our sons to live on with a purpose. Although it doesn't take the pain away, I will not allow myself to become bitter at the world. I feel like I am being stabbed in the heart, but I want to be able to do something good with all this pain to honor Taylor. Hugs to all!

Laurie- you just made me remember that day's after my Desiree' died our landline rang. There was absolutely nothing to identify name or number on the phone display. This has never happened before nor since her passing. I felt very strongly that it was in fact my baby girl. I had forgotten that call until reading your post. Thank you for the memory.

I pray God's walk with all of us thru this season, carry us if He must.

Hug's to everyone

going through this holiday is so very hard without my son, my tears are still flowing, cant sleep and wish with all my heart I was with him. I just want to hide till its over.  I need the love of my life my son shawn.  this deep dark place is getting darker 

ust trying to get through this season. First Christmas at home without Kyra. Last Christmas with my step-son and family in New Mexico. My daughter Genna moved back to VT and having her around is a godsend.  She works on Christmas so it will be my husband and I, maybe we will go out to dinner. Peace to everyone on here, and my we all get through the season as best we can. Love to all Lynn

I thought I was kind of doing okay...haha but I guess not.  As Christmas approaches, my heart breaks even more, Ross you are right - its not fair, there's nothing about this awful place we are all in. So much pain inside of us and yes I feel the same way, I should have protected him. I can't stop crying, I feel so sick inside.  I'm trying to make Christmas nice for my daughter, but I feel so lost and empty.  Kim I can't sleep either, it's just awful and I wake up and I just torture myself wanting my Randy so bad. 

Lynn, I'm so glad your daughter moved back, that would help for sure. I think going out to dinner is a good idea. I'm cooking and really just dreading it and like you said, may we all get through the season as best we can.  It almost hurts more to think of him as a happy little kid, man I can't stand that my baby is gone.  Like somebody else said I just want to crawl in a hole and stay here.

Hugs and love to everybody, it's already such a hard day and it's only 8:30.  x0

I have been trying to stay busy, fake it till you make it or something. I guess that is really not an expectation that we can have. Reading all the posts on this forum, I know that we all feel lost and sad and raw. I told someone the other day that I am a normally sensitive person who is now a gaping wound with legs. Anything and everything cuts me to the quick. Tears appear to be right beneath the surface at all times, because with lightning speed I can go from ANYTHING to sobbing pitifully.

The holidays are always bad for the bereaved. The joy of gatherings is not something I want to share. The thought of any gathering makes me shy away--I do not want to ruin everyone's event with my crying. I keep thinking that I look the way I feel on the inside, and that everyone is going to see it and be repelled. If I did not have to live with this, I would certainly choose not to.

I know my friends want to help...but they either do nothing(act like nothing ever happened), or overwhelm me with their feelings and emotions that I just cannot handle right now.

My kids and grandkids need to have me in their lives. I am going to find a way to live with this fissure that has become a part of my heart and my life. I have to move forward, just like all of you other parents that are in this boat. We gave our children life, and that came with a promise for the future. Now we still have the promise and the future, just without our babies. Sorrow is overwhelming and we must grapple with it, prove that we are stronger than this horrific loss.

I have always thought that all of the molecules in the universe touch. Everything, everyone, is connected. Death cannot change this connection, and I know Aaron is not dead as long as I breath and I have a mind with which to remember him. He was a wonderful man, and a blessing to my life. Merry Christmas, everybody! ((hugs)) 

Oh Leslie, everything you say is so true, yes they are a blessing in our lives and I agree with the friends thing..they just act like we should be fine and need to move on..its ridiculous to think that we have lost a part of our absolute being and that we can just "move on". We do have to move forward and do the best we can, thanks for everything you said..it all helps us.  Merry Christmas and we can know our babies are in Gods arms.  Love and hugs to everybody.

Vasanthi

Thinking of you today.

I wish I could say more, there are no magic words.

Your last posting was beautiful.

Thank You

I just wanna CURSE, SCREAM, YELL...THIS IS SO UNFAIR! I want it to stop. STOP! I try so very hard to not say " WHY GOD? WHY GOD ME?! And looking at all these posts, I find that so selfish. I know it's not fair for me to distinguish those who have lost their only child as I have, but, at the same time I see possibility with those who have other surviving children. I so sorry to have to say that, but it's so important that I am allowed to express this. In my heart; I am so sad for ALL of us on this horrid journey.

linda I to feel the same way, without my son shawn , tomorrow will just be another dam day.  ill be taking balloons to shawn tomorrow,  and letting them go, I hope with all my heart shawn sees them,  one is red his fav colour the other one says ( I love you always and forever ) im hurting so bad I just want to  run and hide till this  is over,  the heart break is unreal.  love and hugs to you all,

BRITT SHARED THIS AND SO I'M JUST PASSING IT ALONG.

Linda don't feel wrong for the emotions you are going through.  I am one that still has a daughter yet like you I feel jealous over those with grandchildren.  So it's understandable.

I hope everyone is able to find a moment of peace.

Sending everyone love and prayers throughout this holiday season and extra hugs!!

Linda I understand how you feel. When you lose an only child, you lose your future as well in a way. Everything seems so empty and futile. I was Daniels caretaker so I had been a stay at home mom  except for my singing gigs so now I am home alone trying to work through the very empty house and go all his stuff until I go back to work next year. I can't help be envious of my siblings, whose children are having babies and they are loving being grandparents. Of course I am happy for all of them but my future seems bleak and my husband feels there won't be anyone who cares about us when we're old. Our greatest fear now is to lose one another and be left completely alone. These are things that are unique to our grief as parents who have lost an only child and it is what it is. You never have to feel guilty about expressing your feelings here. There's always someone who knows how you feel and understands. It really sucks.

Last night at a Christmas party, a friend pulled me aside and said "we have to talk." Through a weird series of coincidences she had meet a woman and was telling her about a FB post I had made of my son doing a "glove light show" to a very haunting song called "Never Cry Again" by Dash Berlin. It's expresses just how I feel and the video is touching and affected her deeply. My friend was telling her new aquaintence about the song and how it had affected her and told her of my son's accident. It turns out, the lady was there at the accident!! She was one of the people who stopped immediately. I have never had the names of the people who stopped and have never gotten to talk to them. Of course, we need to. There are conflicting stories. Boy, I sure didn't expect that at the party! I was blindsided. I literally gasped when she told me. Ever since I am in a state of trying to "relive " the accident again in all the details as I would imagine it. As hard as it is, perhaps now we can get some questions answered but i feel like I've been gutted. Going back to the memories of him hitting that wall and no one being able to help. He was pinned inside... but I think he died instantly....the other two boys were fine. I have worked hard to not dwell on that scene, now it won't leave my mind. Oh God help me please.

Oh Dolly, jeez I am so very sorry about all this stuff going on with you.. It's all too much to cope with, I pray for all of us to have strength to make it through these difficult times.  I'm going through the motions of Christmas and feel so empty and sad.  I don't know how to be on Christmas morning without my Randy, today and yesterday are so damn hard.  I don't want to do any of it but I will.

Connie, that is CRAZY about the lady at the accident.  I hope you get some answers but that must open up all that pain even more.

Nobody ever needs to apologize or say sorry for how they feel.  This is the best thing about our group here, we can all just talk and vent and receive comfort from each other.  I'm very thankful to have all of you during this awful point in our lives where we have been thrown into.   I hope we all can find a moment of peace as well.

Hugs and love to everybody. 

oh my God how I never anticipated this eve of Christmas to effect me so bad!!! I was so sure I had myself under control but I feel so lost so broken. Oh I miss my boo so bad. so very very bad. it's been 9 months now but the "firsts" are almost impossible for me. I've so lost who I am.

Thank you so much Connie for your kind words. Oh how I hate being on this post for the our dead children. I don't want to be a part of this blog! But, I am so grateful to have this space to be able to share my pain with others who fully understand this horrible most vile position we're in!

today I just sit here in the dark, wishing I could hear shawns voice, remembering how happy we use to be. now just many many tears, wishing the day was over. telling my self its just another day nothing more nothing less. my heart is so empty so dark. I was so much to hear my son, to see his face, and to touch him one more time. its going to be a long day and many tears. I want to go back to bed with the blinds down, I want today to go away. and more than any thing I want and need my son back.  I hope everyone can get through this day to.  hugs  kim

just got back from seeing my beautiful son shawn, I let balloons go, 1 red his fav colour 1 saying loving you always and forever, then I sprinkled flowers, and butterflys and angels over him, I hope with all my heart he gets my balloons. I pray he has a wonderful Christmas with my mom, I know  without him ill never have a Christmas again.  my heart is breaking so much and my tears wont stop,

well its Christmas Day and Bo seemed happy with his presents and that's our main reason for keeping the day now... although we all want to some day feel the joy we all used to feel during the holidays... don't know if that is even remotely possible but we DO have each other and our families [although they are all too far away to celebrate with except to skype or email] Yesterday was for some reason my day to break down... then we played some music together and even Bo played his drum pad, and it felt like Brandon was there too ... he was always our 'music man'.... and once after he died I remember saying 'Brandon was always all about the music' and I felt like I 'heard' him say "I still AM, mom"... I hope so.... love you sweetheart... now and forever and forever.... miss you so much...

I went to my son's grave site yesterday and left him a small remembrance stone with these words

"If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane. I would walk right  up to Heaven and bring you back again."

I thought this is so unreal...I never thought I would have yet another child die and be visiting yet another grave site...two children dead...

Today, as I drove into to Walgreens -- I had to get out of the house --- just observed all the cars parked in the driveways, people getting out with their food and bringing gifts...and knowing that type of happiness in my life is no more...

I wish everyone on this site some small measure of peace today...I am sorry for all of us who visit this "place" and wish each one gentleness and dreams of our loved ones....

Connie, I am wishing you the best in finding out the truth about your son's accident. I know how important that can be as I am in the same situation...

Yesterday I think I crossed a road.  The morning was extremely rough for me.  I couldn't help but run through Michael's last Christmas which was here with me. 

Several of his friends sent me messages which was the greatest gift I could have received.  One of his friends went on and on about what Michael meant to him and all the sudden this sense of peace came over me.

My Michael is in heaven and he won't be returning to this world but deep in my heart I know Michael did not leave me, he is right here giving me the comfort I need to make it through this.

It is the love of Michael that keeps me going.  Nothing can break that.

Dolly Brandon is still in that house and he is still listening to the music. 

Teresa D. - Thanks for sharing. I think you are right. Michael did not leave you. Just this "dimension".  I had a similar experience this week when during a talk at the ashrama. they were talking about the baby Jesus and how interesting that God choose to bring the message of love through a little baby. Everyone can feel the divinity in a new baby. Whether you are Christian or not, Jesus' message and example was simply to embrace love. She described all babies as still having a "trail of heaven" and how we can feel that when we hold them. It was then that I felt very deeply that yes of course, my Daniel came in with that incredible love, total innocence, beauty and divine essence, and to that he has returned. It made me feel that incredible love again through my pain and I did feel that peace also.  We will see them again and til then they are right here with us in our hearts. I think we all need to have moments of that in order to keep going.

It's just so hard to carry on without them I know. My breakdown came today after I have held it together through all the activities. Everyone says I'm doing so well and I just think of what someone said a while back ( I think it was you) - I feel like a fake. I want to scream - "no I'm not doing okay - can't you SEE the pain I'm in constantly?!" But there are those who do see and reach out and remember my boy with me and allow my pain to be. For them I am so grateful. But I just hit the wall today and am going to allow myself the release and crawl back into bed and cry it out.

And I am so grateful to each and every one of you here and feel strength from the fact that we do not walk this path alone and we can be there for those who will follow us. Thank you all. You are all in my prayers and I am sending a big cyber hug.

yes marie, I do, I know in my heart ill never be ok, loseing my only child my wonderful son has killed me in side.  nothing will ever be ok again, theres nothing to smile for or laygh again, just pain like I never felt before.  hugs to everyone   kim

Marie - I think we have all felt like this. And I still do but not all the time. A betrayal...to keep on living when they can't....to laugh...to feel good about anything...to be ok... seems unfair. We are forever changed and will never be the same and never be okay with it. But you will survive. As we go through this, the grief does keep us connected to our children so we don't want to feel better - I hate getting farther and farther away from the last time I saw my son. I make great effort everyday to remember anything and everything. But that takes it's toll and little by little your mind lets go some of that immediate crushing pain that those of you are experiencing who just lost your child. What seems to help some  people is to channel this pain into something positive in their memory (like a garden or educational funds, doing charity walks or creating events their friends can participate in) In time you will find better ways to manage the grief. And don't be afraid - you will never lose those memories - mine get stronger. And one day (after a long while) - I heard someone laugh and I was shocked because it was me. I felt my son's presence even more then. And when I play music...which also took some time to do again. I see signs from him all the time and that is what keeps me going. Hugs to you all.

Connie, your words are so comforting. What do you do to channel your grief? It has been almost four months, and I still cry everyday. The pain is still so crushing at times--I actually scream to try to get it out. I read a book that suggested journaling everyday and writing haikus. I am not disciplined to write everyday, but I do write letters to my son. I wrote a haiku yesterday. It was kind of a release. This summer was writing haikus because NPR had some sort of challenge to write environmental haikus. We started writing it together one night as we were driving. It did make me feel close to him. I do want to be able to do something positive in his memory to honor him and channel my grief. I just haven't been able to get it together yet. Just getting through each day seems overwhelming. Hugs to everyone.

Marie  your pain is so fresh you just do whatever you need to.  Some of my sons friends out a small wooden cross on top ofa peak on a horse trail they used to hike. All unbe knwomst to me. They all wrote messages on it and also put up one of his old skaye boards up there. So I hike up there. I find that just moving  helps me. I am fortunate to lie in CA where I can do this on most days. Walking hiking basically to out of myself, and mu bubble and appreciating the wonder of nature. Basically getting physically tired helps release some of the anxiety and stress that comes with it. My neighbors all came together with me to plant a tree in my son's name down at his old elementary school which is in our neighborhood so I tend to that. When we planted it, I had a small event and one neighbor plays bagpipes s he did that during the tree planting I played Daniels favorite music on a boom box and everyone put in a shovel of dirt. All the kids were there also and we all painted river rocks with messages to place around the tree. Some of the more special ones I brought home and incorporated into my own garden. On the first year of his passing his core group of friends came to my house and we wrote messages on slime green paper (his fave color) and released them. That was great because the teens don't really know how to express themselves and it gave them a chance without having to say it out loud. Then on his birthday, my husband got a tattoo that matched Daniel's "OHM" tattoo. I still have to get mine and may this year on his birthday. This 2nd birthday he would have been 19 and he was a drummer and musician so I decide to hire someone to lead a jembe drum circle lesson and we drummed outside and it was magical. Everyone could feel Daniel with us. The leader left an empty chair and when it would be his turn, there were the 4 counts of silence and right in rhythm the circle continued. It had been 15 moths and i remember saying afterwards "That was fun," and that was the first time I actually felt like I had experienced fun since he left. And I felt my son did as well. I believe his spirit rejoiced in that experience of all those he loved doing something he loved.

I ahd to post in two because it's too long!!!! sorry...

I am now in the process of creating a  blanket from is tee shirts. Others on this site gave me the idea and have links to where they got their child's quilt or blanket made. Teresa organized a soccer tournament for the last 2 years in honor of her son. THAT takes energy and I am inspired by her! But whatever LITTLE thing you can do that you know your child would appreciate will help you channel your grief. I think if you put the question out to the universe, your answer will come. For instance Daniel had this peace sign, tie dyed wall clock he got at a yard sale. Wasn't my favorite thing and it ticked loudly. His girlfriend accidentally broke it and it sat in a box till a couple of months ago. I was going to get rid of it but a little voice told me "no try to fix it." I decided to take it to a clock repair place and lo and behold they could fix it and put a new glass on it and it is now proudly back on his wall ticking away. I just know he loved that and it gives me a little smile when I see it. I believe there are certain things that be experienced through dimensions. Sound and light. We have religiously lit a candle every night since Dec.1, 2012 and will til the day I die. I buy him beautiful bells and out them in his room. When I open the curtains, one that is hanging there, chimes. I used to wake him up in the morning that way. And still I say "good morning sweetie". I do whatever I can to have a relationship with him in his "new form" and try to be guided by his amazing and strong spirit. I miss my son so deeply, some days I still wonder if i can make it through till we are together again - just like everyone here. We just have to make that effort still, for our children to be proud of us and live a life we would have waned them to live. I know it is so hard it is to think of doing almost anything right now and that's okay. Do what you need for as long as you need. But when you are ready, doing things in their memory does keep you connected in a very real way. I'm sure others here have ideas for you as well.Sorry to run on, just remembering the things we have done over these past 2 years. I know there's no way to have a "happy" new year but I wish you all some peace and am sending prayers and love to everyone here that we have the strength to get through the year without our beloved children.

Also Marie I think it is wonderful that you write when you can and especially that you write letters to your son. That's beautiful and I know he feels your love when you do that. This site provides that for us also, in the convos and you can blog publicly or keep it private. So even when you don't feel like thinking you can write down feelings and release a bi more each day.