I drive by where the accident happened and know that there was a moment in time, a pivotal point when things could have happened just a tiny bit different and my son would not have died. I pass someone on the highway or change lanes and the events of his crash play in my mind. I am desperately trying to make it come out different, but it never changes. I know some people want to dream of their lost loved ones...but I am not sure I could right now. If I saw him in the dream I would not want to leave him. I would not want to wake up...and if I did wake up, would I scream and scream and never stop??

Maria: I lost Desiree' in March of this year. I've since celebrated her birthday on Oct. 1st. and now the Holidays to come. She turned 32 this Oct.  I try so very hard to make it a "celebration of life", but, try as I may I find myself mourning my loss. After seeing the Dr. Phil show I'm not so sure I won't seek some sort of alternate views. I'm so desperate to see her.

Oh Leslie. I pray for the day I dream of my Desiree'. I can't understand why I haven't been Blessed with this as yet. I try nightly to will myself to think of her in the hopes that I will have the wonderful moment, if only in a dream, to hear her or see her oh for only the moment. Oh for the blessed moment.

Linda, my momma died a couple of years ago, and I did not dream of her for a while....I do not really believe I could have lived thru them in the first months. The reality of my loss, of my grief, was just too new. By the time I did dream of her, I could face her and not cry. I am not sure if this is something that others would experience--it is the way it happened with me. I did not dream of her for a year or more, and then when I did--I dreamed of giving her a perm! In the last 20 years, I had lived far enough away that I was lucky to see her a couple of times a year. When I did see her, I would almost always give her a perm! In recent times it was just too costly for her to pay someone else to do it. Those times where the times we spent together, one on one. We talked, we laughed, we listened to old country songs. She loved T G Sheppard! I guess those were our best times together, once I was an adult. By the time I dreamed about her, I still woke up crying but I could also really appreciate that I had been able to spend those moments with her again.

Now with Aaron, I am not I do not know how long it will be till I dream of him. My subconscious will protect me, I am sure. When I am ready, he will be there for me, just as he is in my heart every day. I do look forward to it, for I long to be with him more than anything. I am sure others would agree with me--this is the first time another person died and I wished to God it had been me!

Just a heads up, Compassionate Friends, will be having their worldwide Candle Lighting Vigil for all children that have left. Google for the closest to you if you want to light a candle for your child. It will be this Sunday at 7 pm in your time zone.

I don't recommend a medium, remember the story of Saul and David? Saul sought out the prophet through a medium and lost his kingship to David. Please take care.

Thank you for the reminder Dick. 

During the first year a girl from my son's job called me and told me how she went to see a medium.  She said she didn't want to upset me but was told the message was for me and so she was passing it along.  I did understand everything she told me so of course I become curious. I waited but went to see her myself.  First thing she asked me was "Who's Michael" of course I was immediately freaked out.  then her next question was where is the necklace you wear.  I have a photo charm that I took off before arriving.  Again I was freaked out.

I haven't returned since then and not sure I'm going to.  I just believe in my faith and I believe God will allow me to see, hear, smell and feel my Michael when he knows I'm ready.  The gifts I find I believe God allows Michael to leave them for me.   

I know for some they lost their faith but for me it has grown stronger.  God would not abandoned me now. 

3 months after Michael left I had one dream that seemed like only 2 seconds. I was standing on a pavement with a group of people and all at once for whatever reason they all turned away.  At that moment a black car came driving by with Michael as the driver. He had a big smile and was holding up the peace sign.  I quickly started to scream "I saw Michael" but woke up as I was screaming it.  Nothing since then but it's okay cause I know when I'm able to handle it God will send him to me again. 

These are words George Anderson had on facebook today

Every once in a while a client will come along and ask a question that makes me look back at my life of listening to the souls, and brings me to such an incredible place of understanding of not only bereavement, but of the very essence of faith and hope. I was asked a rather simple question: “What were the most beautiful words you’ve ever heard from the souls?” I had to think about it-- but the answer was spoken to me before I could even think of it, and it rang in my head and caused me to go backward through nearly 50 years of communication like an epic movie in the space of a few seconds. I realized the woman was still in front of me and waiting for an answer, so I told her--”They’re the three most simple words ever spoken.”

No, not those words--“I love you” is far too easy. These three simple words are so profound and important to the souls that they have the power to change everything we thought about the loss of our loved ones and our need to find hope. I thought back to the hundreds and perhaps thousands of times they have been said by the souls, and how poignant and beautiful they really are. The words are these: 
“I was there.”

“I was there when you got the awful call. I was there when the police came to the door grim faced, and you felt as if all the air was punched out of you. I was there beside the wreck, and I was there when you found me. I was there when you were asked my name and age, and for a minute you couldn’t even think of my age. I was there when you had to identify me and I was there when you tried not to scream when they warned you to brace yourself."

“I was there when the seconds felt like hours, and I was there when people babbled incoherently about “God’s will.” I was there when you picked my favorite suit and I was there when you pulled out my prom dress. I was there when the funeral director knew he’d lost your attention, and I was there when the pastor tried to gather information for a eulogy. I was there when you couldn’t find the will to close my casket, and I was there when you had to say goodbye to my physical body.”

“I was there when everyone was gone and the house was so still. I was there when you watched the clock all night, and I was there when you saw the sun rise and wondered how you could continue living. I was there when nothing and nobody mattered to you anymore, and I was there when you bargained with God for just a small sign from me. I was there when you started finding your faith again, and I was there when you made the decision to continue living for me.”

Lynn, that was really beautiful. George Anderson is also a near death experiencer, many do not know that.

What I have found is after honestly researching people who can "see a person in spirit" is coming from, that many are very rooted in pointing to God, the Creator. George Anderson, James Van Praagh and John Edward are all Catholic.

Beautiful Lynn. Thank you for sharing. And do you know what I hear?

"I'm here Mom, I'm right here." Honestly, I do

Lynn thank you for sharing that. 

I am at work and not able to research this posting and comments, but can people put up reputable mediums for me?  I live in the Tampa Bay area.  I lost my son a year ago. 

Jill I will send you a message later today

thanks, Connie.

Today is awful.  I just feel like I'm sinking further down into nothingness.  I can't stand my friends asking how I am, REALLY?? and how about - What do you want to do? - Well let me see, I want my son back, I want my dogs back, I want to feel normal cus I don't even know what that is or when I could possibly feel that way. So I just don't talk to anybody, I want them all to just leave me alone.  Last weekend my beautiful Haley, my dog, my best friend was alive and happy and now she's gone just like my son.  Life just seems to get harder and harder.

Every class room I had to go into this week the students kept asking me the same questions. Do you have your tree up? Did you put up lights with your decorations?  Are you shopping for your kids.  So I answered how any other grieving parent would.  I LIED!

With a fake smile I told them everything was done and I was ready.

Reality is there is no tree, no decorations, no lights and sorry but I just can't go near the stores right now.

I'm a fake and a liar.

Oh Teresa, I was reading a grief book this morning and there was a comment - Fake it till you make it, so I think that's ok...I can't even seem to do that, I'm sitting at my desk just crying, listening to everybody in the office going on with their happy lives, pisses me off and I know I need to drop the negative attitude, I do realize that I am not helping myself at all, but really today I don't care.  Big hugs to you...

Teresa, I think it is okay not to always disclose everything, and you are right,

...everything is done as much as it can be for a grieving mom, and you are as ready as what you can be for this time of year...

...my mom also had two child losses just like myself...for years we avoided anything too much...maybe cook a nicer meal...place out some small decorations, I have known people who just don't celebrate the traditional holidays...they are just not into it or maybe they come from a different culture...so there are personal reasons why someone may or not do a holiday, but for a grieving parent whatever you have to do to get through, I think is okay...

hi Teresa, I to don't have x mas any more, I gave everything away, with out my son shawn theres no meaning any more. to see others so happy, shopping trees up lights on, well I just cry, yes its so very hard this time of year , but for me now its just another lonely painfull day. I cant wait till its over. I pray to shawn every night to help me through this, my heart is so broken, I know hes here, I know he will never leave me, I love him with everything I have, and miss him so very much. but all I can do is cry. you are not a fake or a liar, you are just helping the kids to smile and not show your pain, you are a special person  teresa and I thank you for being my friend. love and hugs   kim

I am wondering how everyone answers the question "how many kids do you have?" I am finding I also dread running into people--like former students who don't know about my loss. I dread them asking me about my kids...

Teresa, I am also a teacher. What grade do you teach? This year I am just substituting. I had just taken a new half time position in our district and then my son died the Saturday after the first week of school. I resigned my position as I couldn't even write lesson plans for bereavement leave. I have shared with a couple of kids when the subject of drugs comes up what happened to my son--he accidentally overdosed on heroin.

Could everybody share the books they have read? The best one I have read so far is "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" It is about God, so if you're not religious you probably won't like it. Another book that is not religious is "Witnessing Tedd" This is just a short book about the stages of grieve.

UGh! Stealing myself for another day of fighting back tears and the tortuous pain.

Hugs to everyone! 

I still don't know how to answer when asked how many kids.  I usually pause and look at who is asking me. Can I get away with saying 2 and no more? Will I have to explain? I don't want to have to say Michael is gone or even worse talk about it. 

Marie, I go to various schools throughout 4 counties and teach a transitioning class to students with special needs.  My Michael was born extremely hyper in 1983 when doctors would never use the letters "ADHD" so I was his advocate throughout school.  As a social worker I have always used him as an example of how challenges doesn't have to stop success and as old habits are hard to break I still do it without realizing until the questions come about where is he now and was he able to become successful then conversation gets harder. 

Working is hard but for me sitting home alone is even harder.  I'm afraid of falling in so deep that I wouldn't be able to climb back out. Yesterday I went into an angry mode.  After leaving the class I felt so angry really at myself for being such a liar. 

I had this moment like WOW who am I turning into.  I'm becoming a fake when most people knew me to such a real person.  I pride myself on my honesty yet I'm turning into such a liar. 

You ladies are right we all have to do what we need to do to survive it. 

I tried to convince myself I could move forward this year but realizing I can't. I'm just not ready to do it.  And that's okay.  I have to stop pushing myself so hard. It's okay not to be the strong one.  I just wish others could see I'm not the strong one anymore.  I'm broken. My very core hurts.

THANK YOU I APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERYONE ONE OF YOU!!!! I never thought people on a site like this would become the people I would need the most. 

I'm with you Teresa I thought I could move forward this year also but have found with many things that I'm just not ready and THAT is hard because I wonder when will I....

It's okay to tell the kids a white lie because you are simply protecting yourself from dealing with it all right then. Sometimes the time just isn't right. When folks ask me if I'm ready for the holidays I just say "I'm workin' on it!"

Hugs to everyone.

ps Don't forget about TCF candle lighting tomorrow!

My son passed away a little over a year ago. Nothing in my life is going well. I don't know who I am, and no one seems to understand what I am going through I feel like I am having a bad nightmare. No emotional support not even family members. I can't sleep well or even functions. I feel overwhelmed & pressured. I do not want to forget my son, and it hurts when no one wants to hear about him. Sometimes I just do not know how I will get through the day. Is anyone going through similar dealings of having no one to talk to or emotional support? 

My daughter passed away 3 months ago and Britt I feel the same way you do. No one wants to hear about what we are going through because it is so bad. I can't blame them in a way but that sure doesn't help us get through the day. I don't know what to say or do. Nothing helps the pain and sorrow or the feeling of being lost. There is this huge void that nothing will fill. I try to stay busy but I really don't want to move off the couch. You are absolutely right. It is a nightmare. I am very thankful I found this sight. At least I know I am not alone and a lot of what I am going through is somewhat normal. Hang in there.

Britt - what you are experiencing is normal for those of us walking this path. After 2 years, I feel the same way. You just take it a day at a time , a moment at a time. And by now other folks REALLY think I should be "moving on". For most people, this is their worst fear - for good reason. Nobody wants to be reminded that none of us are guaranteed another day. It's just so hard when your heart is crushed and people are going on with their lives. We just have to learn how to manage this pain as best we can.

As far as when people ask the dreaded question "Do you have kids?" or "How many" I have now started answering them with the truth because I just can't deny that he is still MY SON. I say I have one son and unfortunately he passed away. Of course that's the bomb nobody expects. I even found myself apologizing for "blurting it out". That "it". But then I told them that that this is my reality now and I can't deny it. I'm sick of worrying about how everyone else feels. If they ask, I will tell them and then try to tell a happy memory about him. That seems to ease the tension and also allows me to express my feelings a bit and take the opportunity to celebrate his life and keep his memory alive. If I don't want to talk about it and am feeling particularly vulnerable and feel that someone may eventually ask, I try to steer the conversation away from kids before anyone can bring it up by asking them lots of questions about themselves! Also Teresa, like you,  I do take into account who it is and try to figure out how to deal with how much info do I want to share.

I had a dream of him last night when he was about 10. The dream ended in a hug. My husband also had a dream of him last night that ended in a hug. To me, that's significant. Because Daniel passed on Dec.1,  the whole month is so hard. Just when we are in the greatest despair, he seems to send us a message that he's still here - only in a different form. But oh how I long for that hug again. I still can not believe I will never see that sweet face again except in dreams.

I thank God for all of you here and pray for strength for us all.

Wow...except for the names and situations being different, every single comment could be coming from me! I am a mother that had 3 kids and now only have two living. Everyone that knows me knows I lost my son, but I dread running into folks in the future who knew him and are unaware of his demise. I am so glad to find a place where I am not alone, no matter how sad our community is. It has not even been three months since my son died in a auto accident. I cannot imagine a whole lifetime without him! I read posts by others, Connie K., and I here you say that you are feeling very like me and it is two years! I have got to believe it will get easier, even if the pain never changes.

Surely, more and more I will be able to think of the good and not focus on the guilt and anger. Surely, I will always love him but I know I cannot let it be a pain to me all the days of my life. I have to find a way to miss him but celebrate the time he was here with me. I have got to find a way to be strong, stay connected with my other family members and FUNCTION.

You all are in pain and I am sorry for you, and for me. But I am so grateful that I am able to talk to you, to read your posts and know that there is nothing wrong with me. Loving and then losing a child is really hard. It just is hard and there is no way to make it be a good experience...

Thanks for commenting back. I think I will take the dreaded question case by case, but always say I have three kids...I am like you Teresa, I always feel like I have to be so honest about everything. I am not putting up a tree or decorating, and I have been lying to students too when they ask me. Whatever we say is going to feel terrible!  

Tracy, you are so right, people are uncomfortable and don't know what to say.  I hate that my coworkers are happy and just moving along with their weekends, omg do not say 'have a good weekend' to me, it just pisses me off.  I know I need to not take it out on them, it's certainly not their fault but it's so hard.  I just sit in my office alone and try not to talk to anybody.

Leslie, everything you said yesterday is so true, I hope its gets easier but I know the pain and emptiness will always be inside me.  I don't want to keep feeling this awful for years to come. I am trying to have moments of being ok but I feel like I'm pretending, just faking it. Trying to have a decent Christmas for my daughter. We watched Christmas Vacation last night and it feels good to laugh and try and forget our reality even just for a little while.  I also thank God to have found all my new friends on this site, I am drawn to it as well.  Its the only place we can really vent and say how we feel and everybody understands.

Connie, I love that you and your hubby had the same dream. I believe that is so significant. I dreamed of Randy a couple of weeks ago and not since.  It was hard to see him in my dream and wake up and him not be here.

Hugs and strength to all of us today and thanks for being here x0

Brenda, welcome to our Group and I'm so very sorry for you losing your daughter.  We all understand, my son has been gone 7 weeks tomorrow and unfortunately it is these terrible tragedies that have thrown us all together.  The days are very hard but its good to talk to each other on here.  Hugs

It's very hard to get through every day and pretend to be normal.  I also cannot sleep at night, I wake up every night at about 1:00 and am up for hours just replaying all the bad times in my mind.  I think if I think of Randy when he was young and happy, that hurts even more.  he was such a joy when he wasn't doing drugs.  I didn't get to say goodbye and 7 weeks ago today I spoke to him for the last time and he swore to me he wasn't using again.  My heart is broken and I just feel this awful void inside.  Hugs to everybody.

I am having a harder time this year... I thought it would be less hard since the FIRST holiday season after Brandon left us is behind me.... but its NOT easier... its HARDER... and maybe because I keep trying not to cry... last year I just let myself cry my heart out... its never going to get easier is it.... just longer.... without him.... today a bird kept flying up against the bedroom window.. not hard enough to injure itself, but hard enough to make a 'thump' sound... I asked my husband what that noise was and he said it was a bird flying into the window and that it did it every day about the same time of day... he said he thought the bird was seeing its own reflection and trying to protect its territory by scaring off the 'other bird' it saw in the window... maybe so... sounds somewhat logical... or is it Brandon saying good morning?

Oh Dolly, I think for sure it is Brandon. One day when my daughter was home, a hummingbird got into the sun room of our house and came up to the glass door and just stayed there and stared at her. I believe in the signs, unfortunately I haven't seen any myself. I'm so sorry it is so hard, sorry for all of us.  Love and hugs to you today.

Yesterday I set up a circle of candles for us all.  LOVE AND HUGS TO ALL!

Some people are afraid to be us. Some simply don't know what to say. While others just think we should be over it.  This is a process that only those experiencing it understands. 

Oh Teresa, thank you so much! I agree with Marie - very cool!! Yea my boss at work asked last week if I would be smiling when he got back from his trip - I said No.

7 weeks today, I feel so empty and sick inside.  The closer it gets to Christmas the sadder I feel, I miss him so damn much.

You are right, nobody understands how deep to our core this pain is.  Love and hugs to all of us... x0

Me too!!! So stupid!

Oh Michelle, hugs to you today!

Michelle

Sending you my compassion. It's a tough day.

xxoo

Of course it is Brandon coming to say hello.

The light is our children and we are the circle. 

Teresa thank you so much .

Michelle you are in my thoughts and prayers...hugsss to all

Many, many hugs, Michelle. I am still fairly new to this, but Taylor's birthday was really hard. Actually, it was the days before and after. I am sure your son is in heaven! I truly believe that!!!

Thank you, Teresa. I am going to do the candles too. Knowing we are all thinking about each other and our kids is comforting to me for some reason.