In Loving Memory of My Child

Danielle Clara Marie Provost

April 26, 1987 – December 2, 2012

The Band Perry

If I Die Young

If I die young, bury me in satin

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me in a river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord, make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother

She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colours

And life ain’t always what you think it ought to be

Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby..........

Hugs and strength to you today Jane...

jane, im so sorry you have to go through today. I know the pain you are in. please know im here for you, ill be thinking of you today love and hugs  kim

I'm so exhausted. I cant stand to be at work and here people talk about their kids and the Holidays.  I'd like to run away but there is no where to run away from this.

Jane sending hugs of support on the 2nd anniversary of Danielle's death. I will say a prayer for her today. Try to keep the essence of your daughter and the love you share in your heart and mind. Love Lynn

Sandy I am sorry you are in such pain today, We all remember those first early months without our child. The pain does ease over time but the awareness of their passing never fades from our hearts and mind. Hold on tight to those still here who love you during this holiday season. It does help along with getting the emotions out. Love to all here.

Hugs to you Jane ((( )))

Started decorating for Christmas last night.  Hung the Christmas stockings but one is missing.  First time in 18 years, I wanted to hang Randy's up but my daughter said no, that would be wrong.  OMG how it hurts to look at them and not see his. God give us strength to get through these holidays.

Michelle, I used that song when I made my first video in the first year.  It really touched my heart and was so true but it's even harder for me to listen to it now.  Back then it was comforting, but now ........ well you know.

Jane, I was thinking of you yesterday and sent prayers for you.  

Sandy, I understand how your daughter feels but if you would feel better having his stocking up I think you should hang it.  We need to experience our memories because that is really all we have left.

I have a silly reindeer in a rocking chair that sings Grandma got run over by a reindeer that my son gave me.  I have to put it out each year because it does make me remember how he thought it was so funny.

We are not being selfish or trying to hurt other family members when we are doing something to help ourselves.  Just my opinion.

Blessings of hope, love, and peace to each of you during this season.

Everything is so confusing, Ammy one part of me thinks I should hang it and one part of me thinks I will cry every time I look at it...This is all so friggin hard.

I think that is a good idea Michelle, thank you... the last few years, my daughter and I were in AZ after Christmas and I always put both stockings up there even though Randy didn't come, it feels too weird with it not being up, ha like anything feels normal anymore.

Sandy, if your heart is telling you to put up the stocking, you should altho i appreciate you are juggling everyone's feelings and expectations. But you are his mother. And if having a stocking was something that brought you and your son joy then it would be a tribute to him to have it there. Hopefully if you tell your daughter gently that this would be in memory of him and that it would help you also, she will understand.

But this is something only you can know. No matter what you will be sad and if the stocking helps, why not?

I still buy my son gifts. It helps me. This weekend was very difficult. We went away for the "angelverssary" and I bought a tibetan singing bowl that had the OHM symbol in the 7 sacred metals (he had that tattoo). I have a small collection of these and had gotten Daniel his own. But none like this. I feel that music, sound, bells, vibrations transcend dimensions and that he can "hear" and definitely feel them. I get special candles also. You could get one to put in the stocking and burn fit or him on Christmas Day. You could fill it with notes or poems from family members written to him as a way to express their feelings and then send the messages up with balloons or read them if they wish. I'm sure you can think of many small ways to still give him gifts.

This way it is not just an empty stocking and a sad reminder that no one will be there to open it the next morning. I truly believe he will be there in spirit and will see the beautiful love you can still share.

That you are even decorating shows your strength. I still haven't been able to pull out our Christmas tree decorations or have a tree for 2 years. But he was my only so I don't have to do it for the sake of other children. And I realize that what I am suggesting may be too difficult if your other children are upset by it and in their own grief... so follow your heart

I buy flowers for Brandon all the time, and at thanksgiving I put a little gingerbread lady on his little table... I put up on the tree every school ornament with his picture on it, or made from his hand print or anything he helped make [he really couldn't do anything like hold a crayon or anything by himself, but his aides in school held his hand and helped him so they still mean alot].. and I talk to him and play music to him.. not every day but almost every day and sometimes most of the day if I'm feeling really sad ... I know we have to think of others who are missing our loved ones who have left us, but we also have the right to reach out to our 'lost' loved ones in ways that help us still feel connected somehow.. it is a balancing act I guess, but some days I just do whatever I want to do no matter what ANYONE else thinks or feels... maybe its selfish, but those days I don't care...

I'm making lots more picture ornaments this year for the tree too... here's the ones I made last year...

I put them in tree picture frames from Walmarts... I want to look online for more different frames for this years pictures... if it was just me I would cover the tree with them....

I've been so stressed, overwhelmed and depressed.  I open this site and the first thing I see is Brandon's big bright smile.  Thanks Dolly I needed to smile. 

I realize now, It's not so much I'm not participating in Christmas, it's just I'm not participating the way I use to and it's starting to take a new shape. I haven't had a tree or decorations since Michael left but I'm now (as overwhelming as it is) doing the tournament.  I also find myself donating a little more.  I don't know what shape it will take but this is all I know to do to make it through.

this is such a DEEP sadness... it fills you right up inside and spills out... or sometimes it doesn't spill out but just pushes and expands inside until I think I'll explode from the pressure and the pain... hot and cold... shaking... but worst of all that LONGING that NEVER stops....God how I miss you my sweet son....

Oh Dolly, those are so precious!!! What a beautiful smile.  I can't get out the school things and the pictures from other Christmastimes this year.  Maybe next year.

Connie, thank you so much for your wonderful ideas.  I read what you wrote last night and just cried, but it was good.  I love your ideas and I will for sure do some of this, just for me.  As Michelle suggested I put his stocking where I don't directly see it but where I can find it. I love the idea of the letters and the candle on Christmas, thank you... hugs to all, my new friends I have made on here are helping me more then anything. I so dread waking up every day and crying but I find strength in hearing from all of you...x0x0

Dolly - love seeing Brandon's bright light up the room smile! Thanks for sharing.

Teresa - how did the tournament go or when will it be?

Love to all

thanks for saying that Connie and Teresa and Sandy...  I'm having a terrible hard day today and I'm glad you can see the joy in that smile that I miss with all my heart...and today is a Thursday... I just remembered that... after all this time and even when I don't realize what day it is... Thursdays can totally destroy me all over again.... Thursday took my son from me... and it still attacks me before I even realize it IS a Thursday... how can that be??

OH Dolly...just like for me it is Monday but it starts on Sunday.. I hate Mondays now more then anything.  I see the joy in Randys pics when he was younger and I torture myself wondering how he was so unhappy as a teenager and thing surely it must have been my fault somehow... big hugs to you today.

Oh Marie, I so feel the same way.  It doesn't seem like it can possibly be real.  I don't know how we are either, it just hurts so much and we miss them so much words can't even describe.

Hi Marie, I didn't see the message yesterday, I'm sorry.. yes you are right before it was all frustrating and scary and heartbreaking but nothing compared to this.  I don't know how long he'd been doing the heroin.  I found the needle last January.  Something was going on with him a few months prior to that, crazy angry behavior and I would ask him over and over and he just lied to me. But all the trouble probably started a few years prior with weed, tickets for possession, selling, then it turned into Zanax and I don't even know what else.  I could never figure it out and he never would tell me.  It was all so stressful, I was always scared for the phone to ring, and that's the way it was the Monday 5 weeks ago.  5:30 in the morning - the phone call that changed our lives.

Randy stole from us for years, his dad and I were split up but we shared our house (that we sold in April) when I was there, he was gone and when I was in AZ with my BF he stayed at the house.  I feel guilty that I shouldn't have done that that maybe I caused his problems, but one of my friends said lots of people get divorced and that is true and also I have a 20 year old daughter and she is fine and happy, so I don't know.  His dad's motorcycle disappeared out of our yard, bikes were stolen, my ipod disappeared, so many things and always the lies and you loved him so much you WANTED to believe him.  You couldn't imagine that your son would steal from you all the time.  I always forgave him too.  When he was so angry and mean he would blame us that it was our fault that we weren't strict enough, I was constantly on him about drugs and constantly searching his room and still he lied.  After October of last year, he just acted crazy quite a few times and I still don't know what drugs he was doing at that point.  The tox screen in the hospital last January showed coke, heroin, zanax and weed.  Unfriggin believable and he just kept saying to us "I am NOT a drug addict".  He was ashamed, he didn't want to be but he couldn't stop.  He was so smart and so good looking, great personality before all that hell started.  Nothing can take away the sadness, it's so deep inside of us, you feel like it will just swallow you up.  I begged his dad during all this time to help, to do something to help me but I was the tough one and then he says - I guess I should have been more strict.  What a joke, I know we cannot say "what if" because nothing can be changed at this point but it's very very hard not to.  I'm reading a good book - it's called - I wasn't ready to say Goodbye - and it says when you start having those bad thoughts you should slap yourself (true) to make you think of something else and I am trying it very hard 'cus I like to think these bad, negative thoughts that really only hurt me.

What lovely pictures of Brandon . Reading everything and feel for us all. This 23rd marks the 3rd year of my son's passing. How alone it feels . We will be going for a Vedanta retreat from 24th to 31st to Saylorsburg in Pennysylvania. I was wishing I am out on 23rd as last year i reached rock bottom and the pressure inside keeps building. My husband did say if you want we can go a day earlier and just stay in the hotel, but i said No, as maybe that will be even more painful. I suppose whatever I do and wherever I go, 

I have a daughter who periodically crashes and burns so to speak.. she started doing it in her teenaged years and is still doing it in her mid twenties... so I have some idea the anguish you must feel over your son's overdose.. and I DO know your anguish over losing him for ANY reason... we tried everything with our daughter.. all types of therapeutic intervention we could find.. she just keeps falling apart after awhile .. I don't know WHY some people have such a streak of self destruction in their makeup... and the poor parents left behind after an overdose always suffer so much guilt... but short of locking them up what can we DO?? They can always find the drugs if they really want them... they often can be penniless and homeless and STILL go after DRUGS before anything else... its just so sad and so impossible to stop... hugs to you

I have heard that prison is the easiest place to find and get drugs so even that type of 'locking them up' doesn't work.... I have no answer for any of this... it just breaks my heart to see you suffering guilt on top of your intense overwhelming grief.. YOU didn't give him the drugs and YOU deserve to live a life other than being his constant watchdog... how could you do that anyway? I hope you can let go of the guilt... I understand IT too though because I always beat myself up over all the 'if onlys' and the 'what ifs' with Brandon's death.. If only I had seen something was really wrong and taken him to the hospital... if only I had gotten him up when I first started to.. but he was so sleepy... if only if only... I do feel so guilty too....

uggg another day to try and get through..first off, Marie everything you said makes so much sense, I appreciate it so much.  You are right, they are not drug abusers in their souls and what you said about your ex is right on with me, you are right, he is in as much pain as I am and he loved him just as much.  I know he is suffering with his own guilt from all this.  I think those that can escape the hold that heroin has are very strong people and I don't think many can.  Thank you I agree with everything you said.  Yesterday and today are killing me I am so so down and sad.  I'm trying to be better but it all seems so hopeless.

Oh Dolly, thank you for telling us about your daughter.  You have had such a hard time.  Yes we tried a lot of things also and I keep saying if we just did rehab one more time but in my heart I don't think it would have worked.  He went to psychologists, nothing helped and yes you are also right if they want the drugs, they will get the drugs. I am trying so hard to get rid of the guilt and you should also...easier said then done, right, but today let's not feel guilty.  I want to hide and cry all day but I'm at work, going to try to make it through another day...hugs and thanks so much to all of you for being there for me. x0

Hi Marie...yes that is good, I know I did a lot and tried so many ways to help him, ultimately I guess they had to help themselves but that doesn't ease our pain at all.  Yes thinking about it all and letting the pain in is really awful, but I guess that sometimes we have to do it and then wipe our face and move on till the next time.  Thanks very much for all the support, one of my friends took me to lunch and that was good.  Trying to be better now then yesterday...hugs x0

Marie, thinking of you this morning...

Hugs to you today Marie. I understand your feelings Marie and Sandy. Altho my son didn't pass from drug use. He was killed in a car accident. But he struggled with dependency on oxycotin because he was given it for chronic pain from Crohn's disease. The illness added a another layer of confusion as to how best help him. We went through a couple of years of shear horror in the grips of that drug and his pain. As I read what you went through I can so relate. I became frightened of what he might do at times, he began buying extra and taking way too much before we knew what was happening. And I feel I should have been more assertive in getting him help but yet he really did need pain control. We finally did find the right doctor and he was recovering so well when the accident happened. So ironic and heartbreaking. But it was like walking a tight rope through it all. I have the same guilt that if I had sent him away for treatment and not let him stay at home he wouldn't have been here to get in that car. I should have seen what it was doing to him sooner. It was my job to protect him. Some days the guilt just makes me hate myself so much. I try to believe it was not my fault that he died but I guess deep down I'm still not convinced. How I hated what that drug did to him and so did he. I am amazed at the medical community as well, at how easily they prescribe these killer drugs, synthetic heroin if you will.

I am so sorry for all the pain you have been through.

Love and prayers to everyone here

Hi Connie, I've been thinking about you since yesterday, I don't know why I can't comment back on my phone.  Thanks for the hugs Marie, I saw that last night, I also am drawn to the group and want to write you all and see what you are saying. That all sounds so awful, I am so sorry and then to lose him in a car accident, that certainly was not your fault.  You were being the best mom taking care of him, I agree about the doctors, what a joke, I think anybody would have a problem with that drug.  I see you live somewhat close to me, too bad Marie isn't in CA too and we could have our own little group. I am going to try and be better today, Sundays are hard, last time I talked to my baby 6 weeks ago and he said he wasn't using... I've been commuting to AZ for 8 years and this is the first year my bf and I are together in CA. He came here for me and this is suppose to be our happy year, haha, but today we will get a Christmas tree and it'll be our first real holidays with me not commuting, so I'm going to be so thankful that I have him with me today and not cry all day, of course it's 8:50 in the morning and I say that now. He has been through so much stress and drama these last few years with me, I don't know why he hasn't left but I am sure glad he's here.  Hugs and strength to all of us today x0

I'm losing my mind. This is such a dark place I find myself in. The pain is too great. The memories too fresh. How do I move forward. My baby is gone. My sunshine is lost. My breath has is exhausted. My Desiree' is no more. Desiree'. Desiree'. Desiree'. My baby girl is gone.

Linda, moving forward is a slow process for all of us.  You won't even notice you moved in your grief until you see someone where you were.  My heart is with you and I'm so sorry you are forced to walk with us. HUGS!!!!!

Marie, I am sorry you are having a bad day. Aaron is gone two months, cannot believe I will never hold his face in my hands again and look into his eyes. Somehow I have to keep going and try to be someone I never was before. I have to be a new me, a bereaved mother and walking sore. Everything anyone does or says hurts me. Even though my mind tells me I am overreacting, I cannot seem to help myself! Praying for you and praying for me xoxo

These Holiday's are impossible. Every day I try to wrap my mind around the reality that I will never, ever, see or hear from my daughter again. Ever. I went thru her phone today. Looking at the last text's she wrote. The last people she spoke with just seeming moments before she had her fatal auto accident. I saw all the "missed calls" from me when I knew in my heart that the person they were describing on t.v. was my Desiree'. I see that from the time they pronounced "the woman dead at the scene of the accident" to the first call I left to her was but moments apart. I watched an episode of Dr. Phil today that had a physic that by all accounts is true. He can see the energy and the loved one literally standing by the living loved one... I so want to believe him. His name is James Van Praagh. Book titled Ghost Among Us. I know I'm grabbing at straws but I just can't stop trying to have some last contact with my child. I pray God for his guidance.