Sandy, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my daughter, Kyra 15 months ago. Please know we are all here for you. Dolly I am so happy for your family that your husband is in remission. My husband is also in remission from prostate cancer.  Getting through Thanksgiving will be such a tough one. I am going to my nephew's engagement party tomorrow night. Thank god my husband and daughter will make the three hour trip with me. Love to all here.

Oh Dolly and Lynn, that is truly something to be thankful for - your hubbies in remission. Thanks for your support, I'm having such a hard time today. The last two years Randy spent Thanksgiving with his best friend in Mammoth and now all I hear on the radio is ads for Mammoth.  It's like you want to crawl in a hole and never look at anything that can remind you and not think either.  I cant stop torturing myself with "what if" and then I think maybe I'm doing ok and I remember he's not here and it is the most awful deep pain that makes you want to just run away, but there is nowhere to run to.

This year my boyfriend and I moved in together, I'd been commuting to AZ for the last 8 years. This should be our happy time and I am just SO angry, I don't know how to deal with the anger.  I've invited Randy's dad to Thanksgiving and that makes me mad too, but I can't let the man be alone, our 20 year old daughter will be with us.  Randy lived with his dad and his dad found him.  I know he is in great pain as well.  My bf is so supportive and so wonderful and this is all so hard on him also. The range of emotions is just making me sick...how to deal with all that?

Sandy, I know it's hard hon, but eventually you're going to have to try and forgive yourself.. there's most likely nothing to forgive but if you feel there is, you need to. My son was in treatment for almost 9 months. came back and seemed to be doing great. going to meetings every day and appeared to be clean and happy.. I thought I had my son back. I was SO very happy.. until I found him overdosed.. such a shock. 7 months later when we got the tox screen back it showed part of the drug in his system was phentyl. I use the patches. i even bought a safe to keep them and my other meds in before he came home but I forgot to empty the trashcan in the bathroom with the empty patches. they say there's not enough in there to get anything but I don't know if he collected enough to make something out of it or if he found it somewhere else.. but I punished myself for months and finally I realized that even if it was my fault... I could hear my son Jim just saying MOM, please, don't do that to yourself. I'm at peace now. It's ok.   I can't go back. It's done. He's gone. And I know he wouldn't want me to ruin my life bc I can't let go. And no, it's not totally gone - but for the most part I have released myself from it just bc nothing good can come out of it. Us moms have it so hard. we take credit for our kids successes and we blame ourselves for their mistakes and failures.. or deaths. We're only human. We love them with all our hearts and we do the best we can. We're not perfect. It's not our fault. ((((hugs))))

Oh Tracy, thank you for that, 9 months? wow, would you mind terribly if I ask - was it heroin? This aspect of it all just is ripping me apart inside, I would guess Randy was clean for maybe 6 months before doing it again, but I don't know. Yes as the mom we do punish ourselves and I can't stand to see everybody around me just going on with their lives, and I know I can't be so bitter but I feel like I have been stressed out and miserable for years and all that was nothing compared to this.  And I just torture myself with bad thoughts.  I will go to a grief counselor, just not sure how to get over today.  My daughter and I are going to go to lunch so I am going to pull myself together and hey, thanks for the hugs...right back at you...

Sandy, the other drug was meth. I didn't find any track marks or needles or anything so not sure how he took it.. I'm guessing there's other ways to ingest it. So shocked he had that but he knew how I felt about the hard stuff (I really didn't care about weed) But he would tell me things even though I didn't really want to know about them.. but that's the relationship we had. I really wanted my kids to be able to talk to me bc I couldn't talk to my parents so generally they would talk to me about a lot of things- and sometimes things I didn't really want to hear but I felt like I could maybe protect them better or help them or just be there for them if I knew what was really going on, ya know?

Oh and the 9 month thing was basically - 30 days treatment, half-way house, out on the street a few days using, detox, 30 day treatment, halfway house, repeat... but this last place seemed to really have gotten through to him. He was calling me talking to me for hours about things he was learning and realizing and that was not like him at all.. (unless he was drunk or something) but all the things I had prayed for for years that he would just GET he was getting.. even started going back to a church there and stuff..  so I guess at least he was on his way up with a set back when he left instead of being so far down in the hole like he'd been so many times before... right?

Oh wow, Randy knew how I felt about the hard stuff too, I also didn't really care about weed.  He swore to me he never would do the hard stuff, that he wasn't stupid, I wanted to believe him so bad, when I first found the needle pre-rehab I was completely shocked. The therapist at the rehab place said he was "intriqued" by the drugs, at my age when we were in our teens and 20's - we were scared!! And we should be scared.  I think back to him in rehab and he was so good and looked so good.  The first time he went to the hospital, he tested positive for weed, Zanaax, Coke and hereoin, WTH!!!!!! I get so mad, what is he thinking.  His baby pictures and his life pictures surround me in my office and its so awful, I want him so bad, I want to hug him, I hadn't even seen him for a couple of weeks, I hate myself for that.  I kept telling him I wanted us to get together but I don't think he wanted me to see him. When will the deep hurting awful pain subside? I cant imagine when it will be.  Last year in January he was in re-hab and now this January grief counseling? What a joke...I so related to what you said about the sirens and blocked calls, he got in trouble so many times for possession of weed, selling it, etc. it has all been so ongoing for so many years and he's so young, why would he do those drugs, there I go again...the Why is so awful. You are an inspiration to me, thank you for being there. I do understand that ultimately they have made these choices.  Unfortunately when he got out of rehab he wasn't yet 18 so there were no halfway / sober houses to put him in except one that was for minors for $2000 a month, yea right...

yeah I get that.. I still get mad at times at my Jim thinking WTF were you thinking???? and yes WHY??? but I know if I keep up the why it will be the death of me.. and I have two daughters that I have to be strong for.. TG I have them and 3 granddaughters now bc they're saving my life! It would be so easy to just stay in my dark corner and cry forever.. so even though I don't want to, I get up, put on my 'public' face and pretend like I'm 'normal'.. Right?    

Jim and his GF got pregnant when they were 16. I was the first one they told. I encouraged her to have the baby and said we would even adopt it.. but she ended up keeping her and I am so glad now they did.. she's 8 years old.  My Jimbo died when he was almost 24. 15 months ago. Her mom ended up marrying one of Jim's best friends and he's a great daddy to Alexis so it's all worked out for her.. 

How long has Randy been gone?

oh and Jim said the same thing about the hard stuff.. you think I'm stupid?? Well.. I didn't...

Tomorrow marks two years exactly since I saw my son alive. Less than four months later, he died unexpectedly. Thanksgiving is hard, because 2 years ago, Nov. 22 was Thanksgiving. Wishing everyone peace.

That's fantastic Dolly! It must be a huge relief for you both. I am also a cancer survivor - 10 years this month. I always felt I survived because I had to take care of my son.

Michele - thinking of you tomorrow. I will light a candle for your son.

michelle, ill be thinking of you and wishing you the very best, please take care  hugs  kim

Dolly that is excellent news!

Michelle, you are in my heart and prayers. 

Oh Tracy, I so want to stay in the dark corner and cry, I cannot stand the pain, its 4 weeks tomorrow, I hate the Sundays, I hate the Mondays when we found out.  I asked my ex on that Sunday if he was using and he said - I don't think so....I hate him so much right now, I cannot get over this blame, how the hell could he not watch and not know? Yea the Public face, I love that, yes I pretend and people are like wow - you are so strong - ha what a joke, I am dying inside, I cant stand to be here without him, I hadn't seen him for a few weeks, and I Miss him so much it hurts so bad.  Oh I'm so happy you have your granddaughter, that's amazing. That would be nice to have her, but I'm sure it's hard also...today is awful, yesterday is awful, I want to crawl in a hole and I find myself pushing my bf away cus I just want to be alone with my pain.  I'm torturing myself with the "what were you thinking? The pain is so bad, nobody seems to understand, I don't want to be around anybody, they seem so stupid asking if Im ok...how the hell can I be ok? Thanks Tracy, it helps to talk to you...

My thoughts are with you Michelle, it must be so hard...I am so dreading the Holidays...peace and hugs.

I've been back to work for a week and a half but I haven't stayed all day. It's so hard 'cus I have his baby pics and whole life around me in pics but for sure I can't take them down. Oh I can't imagine how hard it was for you to make that decision, it makes my heart hurt so much.  Yea saw corn dogs at the store yesterday and started crying.  I'll be doing ok for a few minutes and then I imagine not seeing his precious face and the pain wants to swallow me up.  I am seeing a therapist for the second time tomorrow, I don't know if it will help but I guess it sure can't hurt.  My bf feels so helpless 'cus he doesn't know what to do for me, he cannot even understand the extent of this pain.. The only thing that makes me feel better sometimes is knowing that he was so tortured and in so much pain and he isn't now...but what about me? And again the friggin WHY, why was he so unhappy...ugggggg!!

hugs

Good luck with Thanksgiving everyone. Just want you all to know that I am thankful for you.

Thankful for you too, Connie..  I will be keeping everyone in my prayers and thoughts Thursday and well.. all week. Sucks that the holidays have to be so hard..

I am thankful for the 29 years I did have with Michael.

I am thankful for the friends and family that have been supporting me.

I am thankful for all of you for sharing and for the support that you give.

Teresa, it is not thanks giving here, we had it last month in Canada, but my prayers are with you all to get through it. it was very hard for me.  hugs  kim

Totally agree with all that Tracy, my daughter the same, very happy and sure of herself, I don't know what happened and why Randy was so unhappy and had such low esteem.  I guess we'll never know.. Thanks for the support.

As these Holiday's approach I'm trying so very hard to keep my head straight. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that my only child, my daughter Desiree' is gone. Never for me to see again while on this earth. How do I get through the "firsts"? The first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first New Year?  Lord in Heaven I pray for peace of mind!

why am I now revisiting the accident report that was posted all over the new? is this some kind of punishment I've developed for myself? why? I look up to see what events took place on the day she was born in 82. what's happening to me???!!!

Linda - I think it helps us stay connected - even if it's negative. I do the same thing. I can't help it if memories flood in, then it makes me remember more and more details I thought I had put to rest. Legal situations are making us revisit the car accident and all that goes with it. How could that driver have been so stupid? Why did I let him go? Why is he not here today. He's supposed to be. 

Unfortunately all of it is part of our experience now, just try not to stay focused on it too long.  This Sat will be 2 years since my sweet boy has left us - even though the date is Dec.1 it's always be that Sat night to me. I can not help but remember each day of that week leading up to it. Still and I know i shouldn't - I ask why did I say that or why didn't i do this. I could have changed everything, maybe. maybe not. We can't beat ourselves up because i know that's not what our children would want but all i can say is damn it's hard not too. I try to balance the tortured thoughts and longing in my chest and heart and soul with what i still have to be grateful for and most of all that I was so lucky to have my beautiful Daniel for as long as I did. Sending you all love and prayers and hope on this day.

I will visit the accident site also on Saturday. I do this because it was the last place he was on this earth. And I will not rest until we get the city to make that road safer!!

Connie, wishing you gentleness as you approach this second anniversary date of your son...I think we are on a similar timeline in regards to loss...it seemed like the first year I was just waiting, waiting and waiting for him to come home through that back door...maybe it isn't logical, but it was the way it was...by now, I think my heart has caught up with some of my brain...and the reality of this all hits one full in the face...

I too have replayed so many events from that day too, if only I would have saw the most obvious thing...hard to stop replaying those kinds of thoughts...I have only been to the accident site twice...

For the second anniversary I prepared some food ahead of time and bought some healthy drinks just so there was something in the house....that way I could just try and get through the actual day, it does seem like the lead up days are sometimes worse...

Sending you a hug Connie..

Your right Laurie, I too spent the first year thinking I could negotiate his return and kept thinking he would appear and all this would be explained as a horrible joke.  But now I realize this is it.  Michael is NOT coming home, he is no where to be found.

I spent yesterday with family and thought I was doing good until the end came and I broke down and cried all the way home.  My Michael was the only one missing from the table so it was hard not to be reminded that my Michael is gone. 

Thanks for your kind words everyone.

Haven't been here to read the posts for a few days.  Don't even have the energy right now to do it.  Holiday depression setting in and I know I can't win if I fight it so just going with the flow.

Connie, I had to sign in today though because I want to let you know that I'm thinking of you today.  I get the Saturday thing.  For me it's Wednesday.  The date is just a number.  I would hope you would have some comfort today even though I know it will be hard, but maybe, not impossible.

I read all the posts, all your thoughts and feelings, and I know them very well.  It amazes me that we all have similar reactions or feelings.  I go through periods of acceptance but I will still fantasize sometimes that he is coming home.  

Friday was much harder for me than Thanksgiving day.  And this morning was even worse.  I need to distract myself.

Have you ever wondered how many times a day you think of your child?  I do.  It seems as if he is always on the edge of my thoughts ready to enter in.

May we all be blessed with some kinder, gentler days.  

CONNIE... hugs... I so understand what you mean ... I lie on Brandon's mattress where he died and close my eyes and let the feeling of him permeate me ... and it makes me cry but it makes me feel him close too... this past week we had company and gave them our bedroom so they could have a private place to spread out... so we slept in Brandon's bed here at home... again the feeling of him... the missing him made so sharp but the glow of feeling him in some mysterious indescribable way... yesterday after our company left we were watching TV... a Christmas movie I think... and I suddenly smelled the aroma of LILIES.. so strong and lovely.... I buy lilies to put on Brandon's little corner table whenever I can find them... not sure why but the smell of lilies seems to bring him close... and later when my husband caught me crying in the kitchen near his little table he asked me if I was missing my grandkids already [they left yesterday] and I said no I was missing Brandon.. and he said "funny ... I was just in his room telling him goodnight"... we never lose the need to be with them, near them, somehow, someway.... at least I don't.... I talk to him all the time and every night tell him how much I miss him when we say our prayers... his brother Bo and I... sometime Bo acts a bit put out with me when I do... I wonder if he somehow knows better than I where Brandon is now and what its like there.. he has always seemed to have a special spiritual awareness of things heavenly Bo has... maybe he thinks I'm being dumb to miss Brandon when where he is is so much better for HIM... I don't know... but I do know that need to try to be near him somehow.... so my tears and hugs and thoughts and prayers are with you now ....

I agree with Ammy, I got through Thanksgiving okay, but Friday was just awful, had a dream about Randy that he was here and he was happy and when I woke up at 5:00 a.m. I had to get up so I wouldn't just lay in bed and cry because the dream wasn't real.  Wow the hurt is so deep and awful.  Got a couple of Christmas boxes out and the first things I see are little items he made in school when he was so little.  The Holidays will be so awful, I want to buy him clothes and mainly I just want to see him and have him here.  Somehow with more time that goes by it all seems more real and the pain intensifies.  Last time I talked to him was 5 weeks today.  I can't believe he is not here.  I dont' think I will ever feel whole or okay again.  How can you when part of you is gone.

Oh Sandy, I am so sorry.  It really saddens me to read what you wrote.  My eyes teared up because I never would want to be back at 5 weeks.  I was still in shock and disbelief then.  And the pain will intensify at times as it becomes reality.  I'm at 228 weeks and still counting.  It's a lifelong journey but there will be easier days.  Hold on.  Go slow and be gentle with yourself.  It's your grief and no one travels the exact same road.  Do whatever helps you that is not harmful.  The group is always here to help and support.

Sending heartfelt love from a mom that understands it all.

Connie, Thinking of you, Daniel, and your husband today. Try and hold tight to those good memories. I will say a prayer and light a candle tonight my dear friend. Love Lynn

It's Monday, 5 weeks this morning.. I could hardly come to work, I can't stand to be here around normal, happy people.  I saw a guy on a bike who looked just like Randy, I am dying inside.  You are right Ammy, the pain gets worse as each day becomes more of this awful reality.  I thought I was stressed out last February when he went to rehab...at least there was hope then. I am trying to hold it together for my 20 year old daughter as I know she's in so much pain as well.  It's so awful just trying to make it through the day.

Yea it's pretty awful, I've been leaving early every day and I just sit in my office and wait for the time to go by.  I have some vacation at Christmas (yuck).  I've worked here a long time so they are very supportive but I get paid hourly and I just bought a new car (that I could barely afford anyway, lol). I'm so mad about that, if I could have seen this coming I sure wouldn't have.  I definitely cannot concentrate today, it's so bizarre, you just feel so out of it, nobody understands but all of my friends here. I don't think you can understand the magnitude of the pain and loss if you haven't been through it.  I was thinking about you yesterday Tracy... do you mind me asking how long your son had been into drugs? My ordeal started about 4 years ago.

Oh Michelle, it would be my wish also, nobody should have to go through this.  That will be so hard, mine will be in May and I'm not looking forward to it.  I also wish that I could focus on his life and not the drugs that controlled him.  It's all I can think of.  Hugs and love to us all.