Lynn, You will be in my thoughts and prayers, I know how empty and desolate a birthday can be and want you to know that you are loved and Kyra is with you.

Lynn you will be in my heart  today. Have a happy birthday and know that Kyra is sending down lots of love your way. (((  )))

Saw two strange things up at the mountain house... last tues we were sitting on the back porch when we saw a bright flash with a blue or green component way off in the woods... just a glimpse but I've never seen anything like it before in all these years.. my husband said it might be space junk or a 'falling star' piece... then today at the mountain house we were playing music and I noticed little dancing lights on the floor next to me... they were sort of jiggling around and I looked all around at the sources of light coming into the room but I couldn't see anything to make that jiggly light... once it stood still for a bit but then went back to jiggling.. then it left.... wonder if I'll see it again... ever since Brandon died so many odd things have happened involving electricity and light....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYNN

HAPPY BIRHTDAY LYNN. 

Lynn

Thinking of you today.

Dolly

Your card speaks volumes.

Perfect!

Love the card.. with u Lynn.. 

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I love the card Dolly she even looks like my Kyra. Love Lynn

Happy Birthday Lynn!!!

Davi - oh God these days are just so hard. I lost my son on Dec.1 2 years ago. I think you should do something because you are thinking of it so much - perhaps you have heard a little voice telling you what would allow you to honor your child. We did a really simple thing. We had my son's best friends over (like 4-5 people) and We all wrote notes (on pieces of paper in his favorite color - purple and slime green!) to Daniel and released balloons together. We all stood in silence til we could no longer see the balloons. They all stayed together and made made amazing patterns. It was so sweet and gave everyone a chance to put some feelings down on paper. Wondering if I will do the same this year or something different.  Somehow thought it would get easier put I'm pretty much a mess. I wish I could ride a balloon to heaven.

When my little granddaughter died we let off balloons on her birth date as she didn't make it that far... a friend who had lost her daughter that year also let off a balloon for her and I let off one for her child too.. I think it was a dolphin.. one of them ... and then all those years later when Brandon died and a lone dolphin swam by like she was saying goodbye to him or us or both... and the last time he had been in the sea a couple of days earlier two dolphins had swam by 'waving'... a big one and a little one.. a mama and her baby?... maybe HER baby was gone too...

as a mother who has lost her only child only months ago, I now find myself looking at expectant mothers and remember my own pregnancy. although my daughter was 31 when she left me it's as though it was just yesterday that I was rubbing my bulging belly and singing to her, buying the little things my precious gift will need, deciding what to name her. Oh how it hurts. So much pain.

hi linda, yes I feel the same way and am doing the same thing. shawn was 40 my only child, when it hit a year nov 5 I thought I would die, and I want to. my heart is so empty and dark with out him.  my life now is crying and taking pills, im so tired like I never have been. god how I miss shawn,  hes the love of my life and  the pain is so unreal. hugs and love to you      kim

I've noticed we haven't heard from anne lately?

Lately, it is like I am frozen up inside...I am finding it hard to look at Jesse's pictures, listen to his voice recording, or go to the grave. I have spent the last 2 years screaming in my head and sometimes wanted to dive off a cliff. I almost feel disloyal to him...but it has become so unbearably hard to look at his picture and realize he is not physically here.... 

Has anyone else noticed this happening to them?

it's 11:11

Could I have done something, sure. I strongly suggested Danny finish University, even though he got some job to do modeling in New York, New York. Houston is just not the place for that even though he did some.

Rather than commercial diving, he would have been a model and history would have been changed. I live that decision every day. Modeling would not have been so taxing on his body, not had the heart attack, ergo he would be with us. I want a do over, please God?

I know what you mean Dick. I want a do over too. But then I realize that our children had their own lives, their own paths. Their own choices. Their own destiny - despite ours. Our influence may not have been as important as we think and beat ourselves over.  Of course, hind sight is 20/20. Oh... but it weren't!

We are in a non negotiable situation.

Connie , Teresa, 

so true..every word... our children have their own lives despite ours... we have witnessed a closeness to life through love and have had a chance to partake in the creative process and for that my gratitude that I was given a chance to love so easily and unconditionally.. we have seen our children's life as a trajectory from birth to death..its painful even to type 'death'... we knew not before they were born how love stole unawares upon us but we do know that love will never cease to be. Wherever they are they are so deeply loved and only good things will happen to our darlings.. that is not a hope but a conviction. Just wishing us strength in this non-negotiable situation.It is going to hurt to ask for what cannot be so I pray for wisdom to dawn on us and love to hold us close and joy to be able to give our fellow travelers on this journey of life. xoxoxox 

vasanthi, so very true and so beautifuly said. I cant say that  D  word either, I just say shawn has gone away. and wish with all my heart he will come back to me.  my tears are falling as I read your letter, my heart so very broken.  love and hugs   kim

Vasanthi as always your words touch me and ring true. Beautifully said...

Vasanthi

What a wonderful picture you paint with your beautiful words.

last night.. or this morning I guess... I had a really strange dream that didn't start out so good... it was as if both my sons suddenly went into comas or passed on and I was devastated ... all I wanted to do was take them home from the hospital where they were saying it was too expensive to take care of them there.. then we were 'home' at some place unfamiliar in my "real" world... I was still sad but I had them with me at least.... and then something wonderful happened and they started to talk to me... those of you who don't know about my sons .. both suffered severe injuries as infants and could use only the very basic of words and most people can't understand these simple sounds as words but they are.. but in my dream they were speaking just like everyone else and were MOVING around [both needed wheelchairs and couldn't move their own bodies much at all in this reality we call life].. Brandon said "I love you dad" to my husband in the dream and I think he said he loved me too ...and as the dream went on and they could do all that they couldn't do 'here', I suddenly realized they were now totally freed from all the imprisoned aspects of their 'real' life... I didn't want to wake up...

Oh my gosh Dolly, what a most beautiful beautiful dream! Each night as I lay down to sleep I try and think of my Desiree' and pray that I have the chance to see her in my dreams. But, sadly, nothing as yet.  Hold on to that dream. It means something very real. I know that God speaks to us through dreams and I believe he allows us to see our loved ones once again through those same dreams.

Much love, hugs and prayers to all.

Dolly, how beautiful! Brandon gives back the love you gave him.

Vasanthi, well said.

today I went to see my son  SHAWN, we have so much snow I had to dig  it off his stone, it hurts to know the snow will cover it to the point I cant see it till spring. everyday I kiss it,  and cry so hard.  the snow was over my knees. but I don't care I have never missed a day. how do I get through another x mas without you. how can my broken heart still beat. shawn is the love of my life forever. I just want so bad to go to him, theres nothing here anymore, nothing without my son.

As someone else mentioned recently, I am getting very scared that I will not return yo a fully functioning person. See For the last 17 years I have been a stay at home mom and then Daniel's caretaker when he got sick. Altho I have kept up my graphic design skills, I have no passion or motivation to even do that anymore. It's hard to go back into the work force after so long and carrying this kind of grief. I am a singer but I also I have anxiety now when i go to sing. Will I ever feel able to do anything? I feel like such a failure right now. I hate to say it and be so negative but these holidays are killing me.

yes connie, the holidays kill me to. I see my family and friends happy and shopping. me I just cry and want to die.  it hurts so much, why cant they see the unbearable pain im in. they talk about what they bought and for who. I got rid of every holiday thing. I just want my son back, my baby.  how can the world go on when we are hurting do dam bad, hugs and love to you            kim

Please, please stay in today.  Do not think ahead.  Every day is only another day for us.  We have no control over the tomorrows.  We do not need to go there.  We need to get through today and today only.

The world goes on, family and friends go on and we have to realize that it is going to be different for us.  We can't blame them and we should be thankful they are not where we are.  There are enough of us that we know of and all that went before us and it's overwhelming.  So, so many and, sadly, so, so many more will join us.

Connie, you are not a failure.  You are a grieving mom and you can only move at whatever pace your being allows you to move at.  Don't be hard on yourself.  You don't deserve it.  I may be wrong but you have an anniversary coming up and that is another 'trigger point' when we think about it approaching.  The anticipation can be overwhelming, just as the anticipation of a birthday or holiday or having to attend a social event.  It's hard to avoid the emotions connected to these days, but if you can learn to bring yourself back to just dealing with today it helps.  

Looking back I think the second year into the third was very difficult. 

I know how hard it is to fight off all the negative thoughts and feelings, but at this stage I am able to remind myself that being in that place is the last thing my son would want me doing.  I hear him telling me to stop.  I try to honor him by avoiding it as much as possible.  I do fail, but it's okay.  I pick myself up and try again.

I am in my 4th year and with each year I have been able to cope a little better.  We need to be patient and understanding with ourselves.  We are never going to stop missing or loving our child/children and that's okay.  It shouldn't be any other way.

I pray for gentler days for us all.  Love to all.

Thanks Ammy I do try to stay in the day and be grateful for what I still have and  the time I had on this earth with my son. But yes it will be 2 years on Dec.1 and it just sucks. We have decided to go away for that day this year to the Anzo Borrego dessert and experience the amazing stargazing there. It is getting harder and harder to be here. Just overwhelmed right now. I am grateful for all of you and am sending love and prayers your way.

Thanks Ammy for your words.. Connie i so so so feel for you, every word is true and will write more tomorrow but am just exhausted from just feeling and thinking. I want to stop my mind... its hurting me and all around me!

I am so overwhelmed and exhausted.  Planning a benefit to support the hockey tournament,  working on things has intensified my emotions.  The one good thing is I haven't had the time to focus on the holidays.

My niece is on drugs and I suggested to my sister that she 302 her daughter.  It was very hard for her to do but she did it.  Afterwards she cried and she told me "I'm sorry, I don't want to be you.  I can't handle the sadness I see in your face." I told her that's okay I don't her to be me either. As strong as everyone thinks I am I wouldn't be able to handle it if we lost her.  Before my niece left I told her "I love you and I need you to fight to live."

Ammy I remind myself and taken the advice to stay in the day.  It doesn't allows work but I try to focus on getting past the hard moments without dreading what is to come.  I'm going to my sister's for Thanksgiving and I know it is going to be a emotional day but I can't think about it right now.  Because I have to keep focused on the benefit. 

Last week I had to meet with a parent.  I always used my Michael as an example of how a kid can overcome challenges and still be successful and so there I was using Michael when she asked me "Where is he now?"  My face quickly changed and I realized I was talking about him as if he was alive.  It was an emotional moment for me that I couldn't hide. 

I agree we all have to move in this at the pace that is right for us. 

Good morning Theresa,

I'm thinking of you during this holiday season and wishing you some sense of peace.  I don't look forward to them at all - it's just so so sad that our loved ones aren't with us and that's not the way it should be.  Gale

Connie...I feel the same way... I can't do this... but I have to do this...  I HATE this... whatever this is, its just not living anymore... its getting through the day, day by day, week by week... I'm afraid to feel even a glimmer of hope for fear it will turn into more of this hopelessness... nothing helps.... nothing will ever be the same... it jus t seems pointless... all I do now is try to get rid of the 'stuff' I've surrounded myself with through the years... my way of coping with the stress of caring for my guys I guess... but now I just want RID of all of it .. the STUFF not the caring for my guys ... now my one guy... mostly its dolls and doll clothes which I started obsessively buying after losing my first and then third grand daughter... both died before being born.... then I buried myself in dolls and all things dolly... for years.... whenever I wasn't doing something for my sons I was in my 'dolly room' ... now I just want it all gone... I want everything all gone... STUFF I mean... and I want Brandon ... I never knew what it was like to want something so much before... and know I can't have it ... not ever on this earth... I'm still breathing and stumbling through the days and tossing through the nights.. but I don't feel real anymore... I feel invisible and want to be invisible... I scare myself in mirrors... I hide from everyone but my husband and son that still lives with me... I don't answer the phone... its just the truth... I know someone will tell me to buck up or something but I just don't care anymore what anyone says about me or what I'm doing or not doing... it truly just does not matter.... they don't know or if they do know they are still not me... sorry if this pisses anyone off... I don't mean to add pain to anyone.. but I'm not going to lie either... this is how I feel...

Good morning everyone. Teresa I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering about the tournament. It is a wonderful thing that you are doing. I was thinking that I should be doing something worthwhile like that on an ongoing basis but the things I do in Daniel's memory seem to be finite but I do keep doing things. I have finally gotten his tee shirts wshed and prepared to send out to have a blanket made. This was so hard. I am the one going through his things, trying to keep the energy is his room positive and someplace we want to still be in. My husband can not help me. It is too hard for him. He says he feels like he's betraying him. I know he would have wanted his room to "grow up" as he would have.

Dolly hang in there. I know how you feel. Some times it all feels pointless without our precious children here. I think getting rid of "stuff" is a good idea and I am trying to do that as well. It h you are more concerned with spiritual side. Brandon has been giving you more and more signs that he is with you it seems - or maybe you are just able to receive them better now. So hold on to that when you are at your lowest. I know it doesn't help us wanting them with us right now but I believe we will be together again. We have to.

Peace and prayers to everyone. Good to hear from you Gale.

 Hi everybody, like somebody else has said, sucks to be in this special group but I thank you all for your comments and advise.  This is all very new to me (3 weeks) and I think I am sill in shock.  People think I'm doing "so good", I'm just going through the motions as somebody said, just trying to get up and make it through the day, feeling so sick every minute of it, wishing it wasn't my truth, wishing I could go back and change things. That's so hard, what if I did something, what if I put him back in rehab..why didn't I do something when I thought he was doing drugs again. I didn't see him everyday as he was with his dad and I don't think I can ever forgive myself for not doing something.  My baby, if I think of him not being here, my stomach hurts, my heart aches, I start shaking and the pain is unbearable.  Yesterday was sort of ok, today is unbearable.  Saw a restaurant we used to go to for birthdays with his friends.  Started thinking about Christmas and how will we live without him, already had bought him presents.  You are right, nobody understands the pain, they say take it one day, one minute at a time and that's really all we can do.   I saw a grief counselor and I plan to join a grief counseling group. I want to do something to try and feel better if it's at all possible. It hurts me so much to see his sister and imagine her pain inside and she is trying to be so strong.  I feel like we are just managing day by day trying to cope...I wonder if we will ever feel "normal" again. How can you when your baby is gone and you have this horrible empty ache inside you that will never go away.

here it is

5 Candles As we light these five candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, one for our love and one for our hope.

#1 - This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you. #2 - This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.
#3 - This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave to us.
#4 - This candle is the light of love. As we enter this holiday season, day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us.
#5 - And this candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of the love and the memories of you that are ours forever. May the glow of the flame be our source of hopefulness now and forever. We love you.

Well I lost most of my message that came before the poem.

Sandy, my son died on Dec. 1 2012 and we had also bought his gifts. We found friends that would use the gifts (music production gear) as Daniel would have wanted it. But I still buy him little presents like bells and candles and take them to his room and talk to him. We all share your pain and understand what you are going through, i hope you can find some support and comfort here. Sending you prayers

This poem came from The Compassionate Friends website, posted by a grieving dad.

The dad said that the poem helps others understand that our grief never ends and opens the door for them to talk about our child and remember them with us. Instead of dancing around the awkward silence that fills the air when people just aren't sure what to say. I think it also acknowledges that our love never dies and that they are always with us

Thank you Connie, sadly I don't live with his room, we had sold our house in April to try and get away from the drugs on the street.  He went with his dad. I have mixed emotions about the room, it would break my heart to be with the room he grew up in, but not having his stuff with me also breaks my heart.  I like the 5 candles, thank you.

Connie thank you for sharing that. 

Sandy, my heart is with you.  We know how hard the first few moments, days, months and even years are. All I can say right now is my heart is with you and we are all here for you.

Dolly, how true...I never knew what it was like to want something so bad either.

Also thank you for the support that everyone is giving me right now.  It means a lot to me. 

Sandy, your words ring so true to me. Oh, the pain.

Love and prayers to all the unfortunates on this site.

we got some wonderful news yesterday.. my husband, after two years of grueling treatment, is now officially in remission... now I DO have something to feel joy and hope about... but it will never take away the pain of losing Brandon... I guess I have to stop always clouding over the good things with pain of his loss... I really WANT to be able to do that..