Dick, so totally agree with your last statement. Its okay to vent. I have found it difficult to find people in my life that are supportive. Most have went back to their idyllic existence.

Linda, you might find some of what Rachel Joy Scott (first murder victim of Columbine)  wrote to be of interest. Her family believed she knew at some level. Her journal is online at http://www.racheljoyscott.com/rachelslegacy.htm#

Oh Dick  - wondering if you have a grandchild out there - a piece of your son - that must be maddening. I know that if it were me I would definitely want to know. Because my son, Daniel, was my only child. I know this is wrong but I hoped that his girlfriend would be pregnant and she was just 17. But the idea of a part of him living on was such a great hope that I have to admit that it crossed my mind. All of these emotions are so hard to deal with. Maybe your son signed the papers, but you didn't. Perhaps there is a way to find out without creating any angst for the child and his adoptive family. Perhaps locating the family and telling them about your loss, they might allow a dna test as long as they do not feel any threat of losing their child. What a tough situation on top of the grief. Maybe I'm totally wrong about it but I think if it's true, you will somehow find each other. Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't cause any of this and it is our of your control. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

I really think that white rabbit is a sign that Danny is with you. A sign that you can still see the beauty and joy in this earth. Think of how that bunny was lost and alone and you found him, gave him love and saved him. That's what our children want for us I think  - to still be able to give and receive love like we did for them. If you keep that giving part of yourself open, I believe you will start to receive more and more messages. But I know it's a just such a hard road to walk. I hope you find it's owner or become it's owner :)

My son also showed signs of knowing what was to come. I have read that people often know (subconsciously)within a week of their impeding passing. That week we had been arguing and in typical teenage fashion he said he couldn't wait to move out when he turned 18 and that I was a terrible mother. My son came to me right out of the blue the day before he died and told me that he didn't mean it and that he thought I was great Mom and that (of course) he wanted to keep living with us. What a gift that was to me to receive before he was gone! He was very pensive that week and seemed to calm down and show love to everyone. These are mysteries we shall one day understand but for now I just have faith that he's okay. Now I have to try to have faith that I will be okay somehow. Right now I don't know how...

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Another interesting thing, Christmas 2006, I felt someone would not be with us. I thought it was my son going into the military. My niece died.

2009, out of the blue I told my brother if he wanted to see his Father alive to come now. Dad died suddenly a week later.

2011 I had this uneasy feeling someone would not make it to my son's wedding. Well it was me dealing with my other son's death. Isn't that the skip, knowing your wedding anniversary is the same as your brothers death.

My whole family has never been the same at Christmas, not a particularly happy time.

On pins and needles waiting for the next disaster.

Dick I think it's good your venting.  Have you tried to contact the girl? Do you know who she is? 

Connie, during the first year everyday I hoped some girl would come knock on my door with a baby in her arms and say, "Guess what...". That child would be so spoiled right now, but no didn't happen.  Me and my damn sex education. The one time he listens. Damn him. 

When I look back even though Michael and I talked like we did that day all the time something about that phone call made me feel so special as a mom and now it's like we were saying good bye. Looking back it looks like the whole year was a good bye.   

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me but it was also comforting. I took steps I needed to and found comfort where I didn't expect it. I'm stumbling down this road but I guess as long as I'm stumbling forward I'm okay.

Thank you for the link Laurie-Jessie's mom. I search daily for peace.

Big hug's to all.

I never know what to say.

We all hurt so much.

I pray for peace for all of us today, even if it's just for a moment or two.

I hope you receive your moment.

Thank you for all that you share.

xxoo

It is 23 months for me today.

That's a long time for me to live without my child.

I remember when it was 1 day, then 1 week, then 1 month.

I don't know how I have lasted this long.

Danielle was born on a Sunday.

She passed away on a Sunday.

Christmas is coming.

Danielle's most favourite time.

I no longer celebrate any holidays.

I would just cry all day.

Linda, I had found Carol Kearns to be very realistic on everything a grieving parent could face.

Jane, I am in my 24th month...still am struggling hard.  Wehave a trial to go through as the girl who ran over my son is charged with homicide by negligent driving. I am exhausted.

My sister-in-law, who meant well, could not understand why I continue to post on a grief forum, she asked, "Doesn't it just keep you sad?" Thought I should "get out more" What crazy ideas people come up with for a grieving parent. I know she just doesn't know. (Never married, no kids, just dogs).

Laurie, Jane, it's 23 months for me too. Daniel died The Sat night before Danielle. Last night it rained for the first time what sees like 6 months. It was a drizzly night on Dec. 1 2012. I feel like I want to disappear these days. We are also involved in litigation to try to fx the illegal wall the car crashed into. It's bringing it all up again in the worst way. Good luck with the trial as hard as it is  for you. At least this girl will finally have to face the consequences of her actions.

Love to all

DICK shortly before we went to the beach where Brandon died a few days later I told my husband I was for some reason afraid to go that year... I didn't know why... the morning Brandon died I for some reason  I reacted to his being sleepy [not unusual for him when we were at the beach and spending long days in the water and sun] ... I asked my husband to check him and make sure he was OK and for reasons that shocked me when I said it I asked him 'he isn't dead is he?' I don't know why I said those words... he came back and said he was just sleepy and he had turned him on his side and put music on his iPad and he said Brandon opened his eyes, looked at the iPad, smiled, closed his eyes and 'went back to sleep'.... a few minutes later I went to check again and he was dead... nothing brought him back.. we did CPR, the paramedics did CPR gave him epi or whatever.. nothing.... when I looked at him when I went back into the room and touched him I KNEW he wasn't there anymore... to this day the shock of it all makes me physically sick and overcome with the most horrible chills right down to my soul...

DICK talk to whoever set up the adoption... maybe your circumstances will touch someone and they will talk to the parents who adopted the child and they will allow contact... I have adopted three children and I would gladly share them with any parent that was sincere and trustworthy... I would be careful of course, but not hard hearted enough to deny one of them contact especially in a situation like yours... worth a try maybe?

FYI, Compassionate Friends will have their candle lighting ceremony Sunday, December 14, 2014 at 7:00 PM. The ceremony is for the children we have lost. I hope you can find a location close to you and attend, you will not be disappointed. I light a candle for Danny and my mother one for my niece.

Does anyone else surf the web just trying to find parts of your child's past. I do and generally find the same things, nothing new.

Well, I do. I found out Danny was a volunteer at the Center for Hearing and Speech in 2009 - 2010. He never told me. Makes me sad and happy at the same time. Why was such a soul taken?

I think giving service to others is something that definitely helps deal with grief because it gets you out of yourself and renews a sense of purpose. Maybe Danny helped you find that info. Perhaps you might consider volunteering there to honor Danny and enrich your own spirit. I feel like our children are our teachers now.

Trying so hard to pull myself out of this horrible funk I'm in this week. I feel like my chest is going to explode. I have to find something and somehow to make a difference in this world.

Dick, yes, I do look for things on the web about my son, Chris. He was an assistant state's attorney, so I do find articles and things about him. It helps me remember he was real, that he made a difference. I have been working on a scrapbook since his one year anniversary. I get to it when I'm up to it; otherwise, it just sits on the dining room table with photos and other things I want to include.

I found out Michael was donating to the "organ fund".  I felt so proud of him when I discovered it among his things.

I also found out at Christmas Michael would visit his friends that had kids. He would have his arms full with gifts and tell the kids he found them on the step and that Santa must have left them there. 

Yet every year when I wrote Love Santa on his gifts he would tell me how silly I was and here he was being Santa. 

This just reminded me how much Michael loved Christmas. 

Teresa,

Danny was also a donor, but he never told me. They called me and I denied them, I could not deal with it. I did not know that was his wishes.

I am sorry now.

I made a lot of mistakes in my life, now it is guilt and pain.

Back on 31st ..somehow could not log in here. Have had a very rough time after coming back and like Connie my chest is going to explode, I just feel that whatever changes I make to my life, nothing really helps me and I am really very very sad and alone and LOST without my son.. How do I ever really get better and feel better? I WANT my son back.

Oh everyone, the holidays just make it all so much harder. I empathize with you all and feel the same. Litigation is coming up again and I feel like I just can't do it anymore. But I will fight on for my son. Hugs Vasanthi, sometimes everything seems futile but try to keep your faith to help you through this tough time. I feel the same

Adrianne, did you change your e-mail address completely from your old account? Is the old one active on your computer? Do you still have old ipad? You may be able to retrieve if you can still use the old address. Otherwise, I'm not sure but you can go to the Apple store and get help for free. Maybe they can help reactivate and retrieve old threads. Good luck!!!!

Kim - I will be sending love and prayers to you as you go through tomorrow and will light a candle for Shawn beside Dainel's tomorrow night. You are not alone.

connie and zell I want to thank you with all my heart for the love you have givin me. yes tomorrow  will be awful for me. omg one year and its still like yesterday. oh god I wish I was with him, I need my son my baby. to hear his voice to hold him again and please to hear  MOM  again, I can hardly see the keys any more  my eyes hurt and my tears burn running down my face. how will I get through this. please oh please take me to my son my shawn, the love of my life, it hurts so bad.  thank you my friends love and hugs   kim

Kim , am with u and will be praying for you. Thank you Connie.

Dick please try to let go of the guilt and pain, we have all made blunders and mistakes and our children will understand it as being human... How bad it feels to be unable to undo anything isnt' it? hugsss to all

Kim, I can't believe it's a year already. I remember when you were "new" here. It's all so weird, this trying to adjust to our changed lives. I remember being  "new" as if it were yesterday.

This is a difficult month for me, too, as November 22nd (which was Thanksgiving in 2012) marks the two year anniversary, not of Chris' death, but of the last time I ever laid eyes on him. He and his wife came to my home for Thanksgiving that year (they lived several hours' drive away) and it was such a nice "reunion" of my little family. He died unexpectedly the following March and I never got to see him to say goodbye. All I got to view was a sack of ashes. I think all that makes it very hard for me to understand that he's really gone.

Vasanthi, I'm glad you're safely back home. I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time. It must be especially hard to have had to say goodbye once again to the places that were filled with memories of Micks.

Kim thinking of you and Shawn tonight. I will say a prayer for Shawn tomorrow night. The first anniversary of our child's  passing leaves us in the confused state of disbelieve and yet knowing they are physically gone. Take care of yourself tomorrow and let the emotions come and go. Your son loves you and will be with you tomorrow to help you get through the day. Much love to you and your husband. Vasanthi I am happy you had a good trip visiting your loved ones and spending time in the apartment you and your beautiful son shared. It is so hard to travel from one life we shared with our loved one with our new life in a new place.  Your son will always travel with you wherever you go. Connie much love to you with the ongoing struggles of Daniels accident. You are strong and Daniel will guide you through it all. I hope your musical performance on Saturday is a success and brings you joy. The falling of the leaves here and the time change brings feelings of sadness for us. I am so glad I have all of you to help me get through the holiday season. Love to everyone here.

Kim, my heart is with you. 

thank you , my tears are falling hard,  you are all my family and  I love you all,  hugs  to everyone, its going to be a very long painfull day,  and I know you will be here for me, thank you again     love  kim

I want to thank all of you for the kind thoughts and knowing you are here for me. yesterday brought back everything, my tears could not stop. it just cant be a year, its like yesterday for me. at times it hurt so bad to breathe, my heart was so heavy and dark. when I went to see shawn like I do everyday I dropped to my knees and cryed so hard, I just want so much to hold him, to tell him im coming.  reading all your e mails and knowing you are my family now helped me, what I would give to meet you all and wrap my arms around you.  we are all in unbearable pain and understand each other, with out you I just could not go on,  I still pray each night to go with shawn,  but I know in here I can talk about my pain, I hope I can be here for you as you have been here for me. myself and my husband thank you all so much.  love and hugs to everyone.   and thank you    kim

Kim, it must have been very hard and nothing can be said except that by sharing our pain it becomes more manageable. I come here sometimes very sad, sometimes lost and then draw great strength from all the courageous friends here. It makes it somehow bearable to know I am not alone with this awful pain. I pray that all of you here who touched my life by offering so much of yourselves are forever blessed in this journey of life and beyond. I pray with all my heart that this which we are going through will open a door to being. 

I am still very disheartened by my own grief and oftentimes feel that I if I can put my life to some use that will be like medicine as finally then I can forget myself. Not putting my thoughts down well and just want to say love to u all.

Yes Vasanthi I feel the same way about trying to put my life to good use. But I'm floundering around. I wish I knew what I should be doing. I keep waiting for a sign, something to guide me to something that will help my heart heal. I thought singing again would be it. But I am filled with anxiety when I have to perform altho I love it once I do. Just don't have the energy to make that my job again. Love to all

Ammy,

Group counseling may help you. I have tried and all it does is remind me of what I have lost. I am just a lost as anyone else here, only one thing would make me/us better. And we all know that will not happen.

Ammy, it seems like there are always those extremely difficult days and times. My daughter goes to a grief group she has found at a local church and it was good since I am struggling with my own unstable emotions. It has helped and she has also started with a counselor that I had seen earlier on. Perhaps this may some help for your daughters to search for the help they may need instead of their focus on you...I have had plenty "stay in my room" days myself...

For me the bigger issue is with my husband..we just cannot -- and should not --  grief together since it is like two drowning people...he also tends to release his negativity towards me and I just cannot take it and it has angered me towards him in return...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts today...hugs...

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:

....After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone. Why go on at all? Morning comes, but you don’t care. A voice in your head says it is time to get out of bed, but you have no desire to do so. You may not even have a reason. Life feels pointless. To get out of bed may as well be climbing a mountain. You feel heavy, and being upright takes something from you that you just don’t have to give. If you find a way to get through your daily activities, each of them seems as empty and pointless as the last one. Why eat? Or why stop eating? You  don’t care enough to care. If you could care about what was going on, it might scare you, so you   don’t want to care about anything. Others around you see this lethargy and want to get you out of your “depression.” Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether the situation   you’re in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. When we are grieving, people may wonder about us, and we may wonder about ourselves. The heavy, dark feelings of depression that come with grief, however normal, are often seen in our society as something to be treated. Of course clinical depression, untreated, can lead to a worsening of one’s mental state. But in grief, depression is a way for nature to keep us protected by shutting down the nervous system so that we can adapt to something we feel we cannot handle. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way. If you have the awareness to recognize you are in depression or have been told by multiple friends you are depressed, your first response may be to resist and look for a way out. Seeking a way out of depression feels like going into a hurricane and sailing around the inside perimeter, fearful that there is no exit door. As tough as it is, depression can be dealt with in a paradoxical way. See it as a visitor, perhaps an unwelcome one, but one who is visiting whether you like it or not. Make a place for your guest. Invite your depression to pull up a chair with you in front of the fire, and sit with it, without looking for a way to escape. Allow the sadness and emptiness to cleanse you and help you explore your loss in its entirety. When you allow yourself to experience depression, it will leave as soon as it has served its purpose in your loss. As you grow stronger, it may return from time to time, but that is how grief works.

Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth; Kessler, David (2005-07-19). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss (pp. 20-22). Scribner. Kindle Edition.

I lost part of my post below...this passage was taken from a new book I purchased. It is the 10 anniversary ed. of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's book on grief.

Is this bargaining? I keep praying to take me back to 1972 for a complete do over. I think God can do anything, I pray for this opportunity to get it right this time. I'm probably crazy.

Dick,

I think you have put into words what we are hesitant to say...only one thing would make us better and  we all know that will not happen :(

I used to keep telling God that 'you have made a horrible mistake, but that's s ok , u can 'undo' it, this was immediately after . 

But Dick, I think you did get it right, see the amount of love you have between you shows how right you got it, so please do not go down that path where you feel you have to 'redo' everything. The love you shared did not just happen, it happened because you did the best you know how. And for our lapses and mistakes we are only human ... hugsss to all here .

ammy, there are many times I feel I jsut don't want to talk to anyone. People say oh you are back from India and what a wonderful time you must have had. I say yes , I did but cannot add that when at home in India I felt my son so much with me due to the familiarity of home and yes I have made big changes in my life and go along with its flow but my heart is breaking , my heart was snatched away in a second.. no amount of being in close touch everyday, no amount of taking care could stop that moment from happening. Now I am scared that I will lose everything at any time and so often push my husband away telling him that I am really scared of losing you too. I fear that for the rest of my life i will just be sitting , staring at the wall and muttering to myself.. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm sliding back a 1000 steps...my god , i feel crazy.

Anyway, it doesn't matter how much, how often, or how closely you keep an eye on things because you can't control it. Sometimes things and people just go. Just like that. -Cecelia Ahern

 So true isn't it? 

So true. That's why I feel sick to my stomach all the time

Laurie, thank you for that reading. 

On the news was the girl abducted in Philadelphia.  that's the city I come from and the neighborhood she was abducted from was the neighborhood I grew up in.  when the story first hit I sat and cried for the parents.  Then I spent the next few days praying they would be able to find their daughter alive and not live this hell. 

Good news she was found and she is alive.  First I felt a strong feeling of relief for that family and then I felt mad.  Under my breathe I said "lucky you" and walked away from the TV, went in my room and cried.

Why did they get their daughter back and I can't have my Michael back?  Now I feel guilty for having such thoughts.

Teresa, I feel the same way, we know 3 people older then my son, that just had heart attacks and they lived,  I feel they are a lot older then shawn, why do they get a second chance and my baby did not. it breaks my heart but that's the way I feel. its not fare, its just not.

Reading these three statements today ... they say what I want to say but never can find the words...

You  don’t care enough to care. If you could care about what was going on, it might scare you, so you   don’t want to care about anything.[TERRIFY me is what it does... I can't even FATHOM losing another dear one and yet that very real possibility haunts my every moment... do I stay in a fog constantly trying to keep my mind from going 'there' but the mind has a mind of its own....]

When you allow yourself to experience depression, it will leave as soon as it has served its purpose in your loss. [whenever will THAT be I wonder and how does one NOT allow oneself to experience THIS depression????]

Anyway, it doesn't matter how much, how often, or how closely you keep an eye on things because you can't control it. Sometimes things and people just go. Just like that.

[and THAT is my greatest fear of all.... the terror that has changed me forever...]

something else...

the last time we went to the mountain my little 'dancing tree' had DISAPPEARED... well at first I thought that, but then I realized it had lost EVERY SINGLE ONE of its beautiful golden leaves... well that was a shock ... but come spring you better believe I will be looking for those green buds ... somehow it felt like I had lost Brandon again.. in some weird way... I'm so strange even to myself now... my mind works in ways that I seem to have little or no control over... like I'm a puppet that has to do what its told... I hope God is the puppetmaster...

All the leaves are down except my two brilliant red Japanese Maples. Its definitely grey November here in Vermont. Tomorrow is my birthday and I will listen to an old Beatles song  "When I'm 64.  Some days the grief of losing Kyra is so strong this time of year, with no gardening in sight for many months and the beautiful flowers to ease my soul it will be 15 months since her death in a week .  I can feel the intense constant pain of the first months has eased greatly, but not the emptiness in my heart.  We all seem to be going through many intense feelings with the change of seasons and less light in our lives. Thank you all for the support. Love to all here Lynn   

There is something about the change of seasons that seems to bring about the finality of everything in a whole new way.

Dolly, I do not really know myself either these days...

lynn I know  Kyra will be with you on your b day, and I know the emptiness you feel, please take care   love and hugs  kim