just beautiful Dolly it glows

Oh Dolly, so beautiful.

Mother Nature at her best.

This is near your cabin?

Year Two

Dec 2, 2014.

I, too have begun to realize my reality.

No doubt Dolly that tree is a sign to you that Brandon is dancing too!

We watch the tree 'dance' from the front doors of our house that sits on a hill just above the little clearing where the tree is growing....

Dolly

I love your house.

You are "one with nature".

I spend a lot of time walking now, we have beautiful hiking trails where I live. I find Mother Nature is the only sense of peace I can find.

What is going on with the Blog feature?

It will be one year on December 3 that my son died it feels like the pain is getting worse. Everything I do seems to remind me of my son not a moment goes by that he does not come to mind. It has been hard for me because I have no one to grieve with just about everyone we both know have died. I have so much I have kept inside from not knowing the cause of his death till after he died, and not receiving a call that he was dead until the day after he died. I never said good bye, and I never knew how he felt. You see I did not see my son for a little over a year prior to that we were estranged. A few people I spoke with think he pushed me away because he did not want me to see him dying because of the fact I lost my Mother when I was young. I lost my husband my son's father in 2001, and others dear to me. I really have no family to speak of expect my youngest child who is 12, and it is not their responsibility. I am hanging on for my youngest child otherwise nothing in my life to look forward too. I could use a person that is going through the same thing to talk with.

Dear Britt,

3 years ago I lost my only son and my world as I knew it came to a crashing halt.I was divorced since 1998 and while my parents did live in the next house I was coping with all of it pretty much alone. I was working in northern India then and my son was in Dubai. 

None of us here I think ever had the chance to say goodbye and I will never say goodbye because the day I do that I fear I I'll go slowly mad.

I feel for you being alone and coping but you are not alone. Here we are all with you all the way to listen, share, weep, talk, inspire in our moments of strength and just be there. The pain you feel is enormous and I am so sorry that you have to go through it. 

23rd Dec it will be 3 years that my son passed in a car accident. Right now I am in India and it is the Diwali festival. I can see my son a young lad wearing fresh clothes, all excited in the early morning wanting to burst crackers and all that goes with Diwali. These flashbacks are vivid and I miss my child so much.

You will find that as time goes by the love you shared with your son will keep you warm. I pray that you get the strength , peace, love in your life to live. You are not alone. Please take care. I haven't been online often as I was travelling with my husband, an angel who came into my life one and a half years after I lost my son. 

I have learnt that life will change and when the changes are good I need not feel guilty about it and resist it. 

Lots of love to you and all my friends here.

Dolly that tree looks magical. Connie I empathize with every word you say. Teresa, Michelle take care.

I agree with everything that is said about year 2...just passed the  mark...

Dolly, the tree is so lovely...thanks for sharing...

I have been feeling like my heart physically hurts, especially at night...does anyone else have this?

Who is the administrator of this site?

Please look at what Mathew Brooks is posting in the Blog feature.

He needs to be banned from this site.

egad Jane... they are all on 'PAUSED' right now... thank God.. what is WRONG with people???

Coming up on our second holiday season without Brandon... it hurts more than ever...

Yes LR my heart physically hurts a lot of the time.

Jane - yes this guy Mathew must be blocked. What a jerk to use this type of site as a joke.

how do we report this jerk, its very upsetting. 

Jane reported to administrator. Let's hope they can do something about it.

Make sure to block him from your page at least

I too have made a report about this freak. I would encourage everyone to do so. Scroll to the bottom of this page and you will see the link "report an issue" on the right hand side.

You all are in my prayers.

Dolly, it must be so peaceful at your house. I love the tree, your right it looks like it is glowing.

"I have learnt that life will change and when the changes are good I need not feel guilty about it and resist it."  Your right Vasanthi, it's okay if we find some happiness again.  We will carry a heavy heart forever but we can also allow ourselves to experience some happiness again.  Which comes slowly in time.

LR, my problem is my stomach and feeling sick.  I find when I have to control my emotions and hold things in I end up feeling sick to my stomach. 

I sent a report too, whoever it is, is an idiot with no life.

i wud set yore profile 2 privet wen ths dirty creap is on hear only frinds can sea yore profile

Just think about my son all the time. I wish he was still with me.

Danny I love you.

Why does everyone say it gets better with time? It does not.

Dark place where I am at.

Thanks to those who responded. I just notice at night that my heart feels like it hurts, sometimes I wake up and my hands will be clutching at it.

This After Death Experience, I for three years if you count my son and 5 if you count my father, have been praying for a sign or contact or something. I no longer believe it. I am questioning a lot of things in my life. Maybe this is all it is? I am struggling here.

I need a burning bush in my life or a booming voice, please answer my prayers with a no at least.

I have to put down Kyra's cat today so hard, so many memories. Genna asked me if I was sad. I wanted to say when am I not sad.

Yes, I am not posting much, just dwelling inside myself. I got so mad a few days ago, I just had to post something out of pain.

I had other things in my life trigger this pain. Regrets, guilt, anger, longing, etc. all mixed up in a great big weight on me, each pulling in different directions.

What really makes me sad is that I am now a grandfather or a little girl and she will never know her uncle or have cousins now. I am a great proponent of legacies and close families, all of this is very incongruent to me. It saddens me greatly, I will never have grandchildren from
Danny. It's a legacy thing that makes me feel my life had no meaning.

Michelle,

After my last post I sent my Daughter in law a text to show me my granddaughter in action to make my day. I got some relief and a laugh at the video.

Unfortunately, my other son is deployed and I pray for his safe return. I think it would be the last straw if I lost him.

If you look at my pictures in my profile you will see both sons. The helicopter in the picture is a SH-60 that my son flies. He just recently was promoted to Lt. Commander; so he had to go out and take a dangerous position "to check the boxes".

What really triggered me a few days ago is an issue I have had with the Boy Scouts of America. Both sons were Eagle Scouts, I guess I gave them both too much confidence. I donated a goodly sum to have a glass wall erected with both their names and ranks. I found out that it had been placed in storage. It really made me upset, that is not what the donation was for.

I was offered a plack, I turned down because it is not about me.

Dick I would be upset too.  I wouldn't want the plaque either. No wonder you were so upset.  I'd have to let them know how insensitive and disrespectful their action continues to be by having that wall in storage. 

No wonder you are upset that was very insensitive and sure doesn't uphold the values of eagle scouting. So sorry Dick. 

my pain has found a new level today. i found a letter she wrote accompanied by her living will. the letter was addressed to me. it begins with "Mamma, I going to make this short since I don't feel you'll be reading this", it end with " mamma you were my world, Love Desiree'".  I can't comprehend why she would have used the past tense. I miss my boog so much it pains me to breath.

I read these messages and wonder if I'll ever stop crying as I see so many posts where even years have past and yet your pain is still so vivid.

Love and prayers to you all.

Dick, I enjoyed seeing the pictures of your wonderful sons. Handsome young men and Danny will remain forever young. I'm sorry about the problem with the Eagle Scouts. Insensitive and hurtful.

Linda, that must have been very hard to find...yet such a wonderful message to you from Desiree. Did it bring you any comfort?

Teresa,

Thanks, my spelling of plaque seemed off. Could not put my finger on it. Thanks for sorting me out.

Linda and Connie what beautiful gifts to receive.

You guys are always going on about signs, I don't know if this is a sign or not. I was coming home tonight and I saw a rabbit on the side of the road in the park. No big deal, but it was a white rabbit. Definitely a pet. A white rabbit would never survive in the wild. I stopped and approached him, stroked him, and brought him home. 

I contacted the SPCA and my home owners association, I bet some little girl is crying about it now. I got him in the back in a cage with water, grass and a box with rag to sleep in.

And to think Saturday, I will be out trying to shoot his wild cousins or a nice buck deer. 

The sad thing is that I will be hunting without my son Danny, the real outdoorsman. Hunting and fishing was his passion. This will be the first year I have gone since he left, I really can't go fishing without him.

He always helped me with chores, I miss him during harvest. Does not seem the same.

Danny was a commercial diver and he told me how he would leave, I always thought he was referring to a diving accident. It was a heart attack after returning from a dive. I always wonder if the dive had something to do with it.

Dick, I looked at your pictures and spotted the one of your sons in front of the helicoptor. It is a nice picture of your two handsome sons.

You may find some help at the following website put out by Carol Kearns, who is a grief counselor mentored under Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She lost her own daughter to a drowning. She has a chapter online (from her book) about children who seemed to know their passing was near.

http://www.carolkearns.com/kristens-legacy/ch_believe.html

Carol helped me a lot, especially in the beginning.

Laurie,

I am glad you mentioned it. 2011 was an unusual year for Danny. He help ed his grandmother remodel, he helped me remodel, we went to an unusual number of ball games and movies, and he helped the church. He did some other things that seemed out of character for the amount of things he did. Visited more family than usual. Most of my pictures and video is of his last year.

I freaks me out looking back that it was almost him saying goodbye. Maybe my imagination, I did not connect the dots at that time, just happy he was doing those things.

Dick: God is good. Since losing my only daughter at the very young age of 31 and finding her letter just recently, I see that maybe our children new something that they didn't quite realize was a testament to upcoming events. 7 months has now passed since losing my beautiful child. Daily I see God's good blessing, all be it they were most likely there before her death. I am in the deepest pit of my mourning. I look for direction in my every moment.

Stay strong friend as I try to encourage my own strength.

Hug's to all

Sorry to be so chatty all of a sudden, but Danny's birthday is approaching quickly and I am feeling bad.

I want to get this off my chest. I have never told anyone about this except my other son knows because his brother told him.

He told me in 2005 that he was going to help a pregnant girl out at school and sign the adoption papers as the father to allow the girl to give the baby up for adoption. He told me it was not his. OK. I found the papers in his belongings after he left.

I talked with his brother last summer when we went to visit. It was just me and him. I opened the conversation about anything he wanted to know about his brother I would answer if I could. He asked me about the adopted baby, apparently Danny wanted to get the child back.

So if the child was not his , why would he want to get it back. It tortures me that I may have another grandchild somewhere. The papers deny any contact with the child that would be about 10 years old now. This tears me apart of not knowing.

I have bared my soul please go easy on me.

So many question, so many holes in my heart. I am one tortured person.

I have anger, guilt, sadness and doubt all rolled up into one nice little present that stays with me night and day. the gift just keeps giving.