chell, there will never be a fresh start. when we lose our only child, nothing feels real any more.  I have lost what I thought were close friends over the last few months. I am different now, im empty, and I don't care about any thing any more. I just want to be with my son  shawn.  a friend told me, I was bringing her down a few weeks after shawn went away. it hurt at first but now  I just stopped careing.  it hurts so bad. please take care love and hugs  kim

My sister told me that she missed how I used to be so enthusiastic about everything. I told her I will never be the same. I know that is a loss for her as well. I get it but it doesn't make it an less hurtful. It's not like you can flip a switch and be your old self. I need her to listen and be there regardless if it brings her down but that's just the way it is now I guess...

Chelle - since my son was only 17 when he passed of course he still lived here. He was born and raised in this house. For the last 20 months there is no way I could ever think of leaving here and now I do think about it. We never intended to be here forever - now what do we do? I think with time, we will know. It is difficult to have constant memories everywhere you go. But the thought of selling the house to someone else is just something I can't imagine right now. And I often have to go by the accident site. I manage the pain better now but still become overwhelmed with disbelief and horror that this has happened and that this is my life and that I will never hold my sweet boy in my arms again. How can this be? And how can people not see that our grief will never end? Because our love for our children never will. Hugs to everyone!

My son was shot and killed 9/30/12. My only son. He was 20 years old. He left behind a 3 year daughter, mother and father. I am just angry.

Been here less often in the past 3 weeks. Connie, This is the home my son and me were for the past 10 years and it holds memories and lot of fun times with Shreyas. My parents too are next door so it was really nice. Since i came here alone before Craig did I thought i would be ok alone but it has been really horribly painful. I came and fell ill with some cold n fever viral and that took its own sweet time. Not a single night after I had been here could I sleep and it wouldnt be untill the wee hours of the morning that I can. Many of my friends feel that Oh All is ok now since I got married but how can one relationship negate the mother son bond? and they even say why think about that now?as if my son being not here means oh fine he has gone so you dont think about it!!! we just need to not allow these comments to make us feel bitter as no one will understand.

Seeing Craig on the 28th late evening( my son's birthday) I felt a huge sense of relief and love for the man I married as he has tried hard to support all of the me which is nowadays so often without any enthusiasm or eagerness for the morrow. That whole day i was so out of sorts and had gone to the temple where I got some measure of peace as Shreyas and me would go there together and many times I had seen him stare at the idol with so much focus that I used to wonder what is he thinking about. In the car on the way to pick up Craig I kept fighting back tears and my throat was hurting with the effort. Later after seeing my husband and talking to him its been better.

Connie I also dread the time when I will have to sell this home because soon my parents are relocating to Puttaparthi and Craig and me will take another place in the nearby hillstation where it is cooler and more quiet as Craig likes it. In crowded cities it gets noisy but I get a sense of comfort from the crowds and people. Craig says we will work out a middle way where we both are confortable as back in Groton its a quiet wooded area very lovely but not many people but I am slowly making friends and I find the people very helpful and caring.

Dolly, Teresa, Bern, Kim, Chelle, Michelle, Julie V,Lynn and all others here, my heartis with you all, it hurts reading about the enormous heartache we go through, and I am there for each and everyone of you anytime however I can be of help

Dear Bern

I am so sorry for your painful memories. The anger pops up and there is nothing you can do to the ones who killed our children. For your grand daughter's sake, don't let that anger hurt YOU! If I dwell on the person who caused the accident that killed my son, the anger takes over and there's not a damn thing I can do about it so I had to try to forgive. Not for him but for me and those that I love. Know that you are not alone during this difficult time <3

it is true...the old me is gone and an empty shell remains, the old "things" that used to be important no longer are. I live in constant worry my remaining loved ones will die too.

Bern, thinking of you today on the second anniversary of your son's death.  I don't think the painful memories of how our children passed ever eases, but I hope you experience some loving memories of your son today. Vasanthi,  I am glad being with Craig in India has brought you comfort and a sense of relief. Hope you experienced many warm memories of Shreyas in your shared home.  The one thing that continues to bring me peace is working in my garden and I am not looking forward to winter. Love and support to all here Lynn

Bern I feel your pain today.

If all of you could feel, and see what I see here you would know that you are all wise beyond your years. I hope one day you will all feel your own strength, and see how really important each, and every one of you are. Sometimes it's good for me to just stay quiet, and read your posts. Everyone here teaches me something new all the time. Peace and Love to all

From Connie, "I manage the pain better now but still become overwhelmed with disbelief and horror that this has happened and that this is my life and that I will never hold my sweet boy in my arms again. How can this be? And how can people not see that our grief will never end? Because our love for our children never will."

So true. This is how I wake up every morning now. As my mind awakens, my first screaming thought is I cannot believe my beloved son is dead. His body is buried about 16 miles north of where my house is. My sleeping area faces north which is the direction of the cemetery. I do not think I am doing well.

tomorrow is my daughters birthday. she died on march 18th 2014. I have 2 beautiful grandchildren Jashai and Nalani now 7 and 3 respectfully as they had a birthday on the 9th and 10th of this june. I am now in and out of court with the children so I have a bitter sweet moment of which to remember the birth of my only child Desiree' tomorrow. God be with me.

Vasanthi are you MOVING to India permanently? or is it a second home and you will still live in New England?

I am so numb I can't think what to say to anyone in here except I ache in my heart for you all... losing Brandon has totally changed me into a person I don't even know or understand anymore... my joy is gone and I don't seem to be able to even care that it is gone... my life is just so strange now... its hard to believe it was ever any different... and its hard to hope or feel anything but empty ..it seems impossible to hope and trust now but I know I have to try or I will just sink down into the hole Brandon left and never come out... and I can't do that because my husband and other kids need me.... but sometimes ... most all the time... it seems beyond my control.... one step at a time I guess.... some days one step seems too much... many many if not most days...

the fifth will be 11 months since my son shawn went away. so much pain in my heart its hard to breath at times. dolly im so very numb all the time. I just keep asking why my only child, why my son.  why not me. my life now is just crying, hurting and so empty. I know nothing will ever be the same, and I will never be the same again. but to live on with out him, I just cant.  I cant feel any more.  I miss him so much and love him with everything I have.  hugs to everyone and love     kim

Dolly , no I am not moving we are in new england but I also have my home here. Once my parents move from here it will be strange to come to a home where there is no son and no parents . My parents are next door..and will move to southern India. So Craig and me decided we will sell this place and get another one in the hillstation nearby as Craig likes it a little more quiet than a bustling city --thats all . I miss my son desperately and when I do enjoy myself going out with Craig and seeing India through his eyes I do feel guilty that I am . What to do? Tomorrow we are travelling to Southern India. Bangalore and Kerala and will be back on the 18th of Oct and then back home to the States on Oct 31st....Like you said ," one step at a time" hugsss to all..... Kim you take care, Connie, Lynda. Lynn, LR Jessie's mom am with all and those whom i have not named my love and prayers for us all xoxoxox

Thanks Vasanthi for the warm thoughts...

I'm organizing a beef and beer to raise funds for Michael's 2nd year hockey tournament.  Putting all my energy and focus on it so the tournament can be at Christmas. Hopefully I can raise enough to not only have the tournament but offer a scholarship for a kid to play on a team in his name. I know my Michael is proud of what I am trying to do.  This is how I am going to survive the holidays because I don't know what else to do.

So awesome Teresa! Such well directed energy! And you KNOW Michael is so proud of you and will be there to help to make it happen. Vasanthi good luck with the rest of your trip. I was upset by the tragedy in India yesterday during Durga Puja(?) where 20 people were killed in a stampede after rumors of a fire went through the crowd. There was no fire but everyone panicked and tried to run . Of course I was immediately concerned for you and your family and where you are exactly. SO glad to hear from you.

For me, I am just really having a hard time these days. seem to be crying on and off all day every day. Things are becoming so much more real now. Really don't know where to go from here...

Teresa, you are doing a wonderful thing for your son, I know hes smiling at you.  CONNIE I cry everyday all day, we miss them more then life. our pain will never go away. hugs to you all love kim

From Connie, "For me, I am just really having a hard time these days. seem to be crying on and off all day every day. Things are becoming so much more real now. Really don't know where to go from here..."

Your words echo my thoughts and place in life right now exactly. I wish I could say I even want to rebuild something, but I don't. For those who can find purpose in life again, I do cheer you on...

Teresa, your tournament idea sounds like an great thing to do in honor of your boy.

It is so wonderful you are organizing a hockey tournament for this year too Teresa. Michael is so proud of you and what a wonderful Christmas present for him. You are amazing go girl. Connie sending you hugs, I think of you and Daniel often. I find I am talking to Kyra more every night before going to bed. I took out her first toy a Ragitty Anne doll that was made for her by my best friend.  She also died in a car accident when Kyra was three.  When I sleep with her I feel like Kyra and Susan are together with me again. Silly but it is so comforting. Much love goes out to you LR, Kim, Dolly, Michelle, and Vasanthi and all others who are here. Just knowing you are here for me brings me comfort when I need it most.

Went to beautiful service at the Ashrama today. I am so thankful for that place and the people there. It gives me a sanctuary of kindness and understanding. Kind of like this site. So grateful to have all of you as well

(((  )))

I too still cry everyday.  Mornings are the hardest because when I wake up the hell is still there.

I'm in reality.  It's a very painful place to be because you realize this is very REAL.  Every night I hope to wake up to find life back to what it was, but I'm facing the reality and I know that is not going to happen.  This is my reality.  I don't know what to do either and I don't know who I am anymore.

The tournament is a way for me distract myself from the holiday blues and I want to find something good in this and do this for Michael.  I can't change it, I can't fix it, and I can't undo it.  All I can do is celebrate his life. Michael loved kids and he loved hockey so the tournament is for him.

I'm lucky I do have a group of friends and my sisters that are very supportive.  If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be able to do the tournament.  They give me the emotional strength I need.  Don't get me wrong I cried straight threw the process last year and probably will again this year. 

As hard as all this is and as lost as I feel because of the support I get here I know "I'm okay".  Others might not understand what I'm going through and they might not understand why I can't do some things anymore but you guys always understand.  For that THANK YOU!

The pain is deep, my core is bleeding with tears, I'd would give my own life in exchange for Michael's.  Mommy loves you Mike.

Vas, you remind us that life continues to change. 

Lynn your not silly at all. 

LR, don't be rough on yourself and don't feel that you have to rebuild anything.  Just do what is right for you.

today is 11 months since my son  SHAWN went away, it hurts so bad, 11 months of hell and it feels like yesterday. I went to see him this morning like I do everyday. I cryed so hard, I feel its all my fault he went away, the pain is so unreal, I just keep telling him im so very sorry I did this to you. never ever did I think I would lose the love of my life ever.  this never should have happened, it should have been me. I tell my self everyday hes still here, shawn would never leave me, I know this. I feel like im slowly dieing, my heart hurts so much, even to breathe hurts. its so hard to remember the good times, just that last day over and over  till I want to scream, I cant sleep, I cry all the time, everyone seems  to have moved on and I so want to kill them for that. life  does  NOT go on for me. shawn I need you so bad and I love you more then life please don't leave me baby  please.  if theres a god please take me to my son, I beg you.   forever my love   mom

Kim - I'll be keeping you and Shawn in my heart and sending prayers and love to help you get through this day. I had a dream last night  my son was in it but I can't remember the details. I want to go back to sleep and be in that dream again....

thank you connie, I pray you get that dream back  hugs  kim

Always thinking of you all as I come here almost every day and read the posts.  I wish I had words of wisdom to speak to you but there is no specific thing that can help anyone.  We all keep going and gradually adapt by finding our own way through this journey.  As time moves along we do find some smoother roads but the potholes and roadblocks show up over and over.  I want to encourage you even though you can't see past today that it will happen eventually.  And you shouldn't try to rush yourself.  Focus on getting through today.  

We all seem to understand what each one is going through as we all seem to experience the same effects of grief at times and yet each is an individual journey.

Kim, I can only send you love, prayers and understanding.  I remember well marking off those first months.  I don't count months anymore, but I still count the weeks.  I don't know why, but like I said, we do what we need to do.

Teresa, I am encouraged by your courage even though there is nothing I can do to honor my son except to try and keep the memories alive.  Others have all moved on and are very quiet when it comes to talking about him.  Some times it makes me angry, but I understand that their love for him could never be the same as mine.  It's natural that they move on.

I send my prayers and wishes for gentler days.

Connie, I almost forgot to tell you that I hope you can revisit your dream.  I pray all the time for a dream, but I haven't had one for about 2 years, and the ones I did have were not really happy dreams but it felt so great to feel like I was with him again.  Wish we could all visit our children in pleasant dreams.

Yes, Adrianne, I have periods of time that I am completely void and it does scare me because I absolutely have no feelings.  I can accept it easier now because I know it eventually passes, but it's an awful feeling for me to not even feel my love for my family.  During these times my faith is all that keeps me going.
I am glad to see you post.  I was thinking of you.

May today be kind to everyone here.  You are all in my heart.

Today is 2 months since my son's brutal murder, I still cry everyday.

I feel like a prisoner ... how can the police and children's service warn you that you are in possible danger and then just not tell you anything?

How do I grieve while living in fear

Adrianne, yes I to am numb. I have lost all feelings for anyone. the pain is to great . my heart is to broken. I miss my son so much I just want so bad to be with him.  hugs to you  

dawn,  im so very sorry, I just don't know what to say except,  I know your pain your broken heart. I hope you are safe, please take care  hugs and love   kim

Dawn wow I am so sorry for this horrible ordeal you are going through. Is it your grandchild's mother you suspect of the murder and who is putting you in danger or you just don't know? So much to deal with - I am sending you all of my prayers.

Thank you Connie K. And yes, children's services cautioned us that specifically myself and my grandson are possibly in danger and we need to have a safety plan. I am not to go anywhere alone with him. Police say that these things take time

I have not had any feelings since my daughter left.

It's been 22 months.

I thought I was the only one.

Thank you for sharing that.

My heart goes out to each of you.

This is so hard.......

7 years ago today I lost my Ben. Mom Loves you!

Anne I am so sorry. I know that is such a painful memory. Much love to you and Ben today

anne,  im so sorry, I know it feels like yesterday, hugs  love kim

Dawn I am so sorry for the loss of your son. It is just over a year since I lost my 26 year old daughter in a car accident. Anne it must seem so hard to believe Ben has been gone from you seven years. I will keep you in my prayers tonight. Jane feelings are  now either intense for me or non- existent. I just came in from a meeting and on facebook a young man I have not seen or heard from since 1991 sent me a

message   asking how my daughters were doing. He was getting his degree in early childhood education and was doing a practicum in my daughter Kyra's pre-school class. I have a picture of her at 4 years old sitting on his lap while reading a story. I completely fell apart writing back that she died last August. How does this stuff happen?

Lynn, Sometimes well almost all the time, Facebook is too much. I just can not take reading people posting R.I.P to my son. They should be asking him what is he up to? So, I try to limit the social media.

Bern, I am so sorry for your loss. Enjoy your granddaughter as much as possible. I believe that what you feel in your heart is probably the truth. I know what happened to my son I just hope there is enough evidence to prove it for my grandsons safety

Anne, thinking of you this angelversary of Ben's. I am not sure these mile markers will ever get any easier. Wishing you gentleness for the day. Dawn I am sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I have found it to be  helpful to remain connected to other parents who have also suffered child loss. I do not have a strong support system where I live, everyone has moved on. For me being able to talk about my son, Jesse, has been important.

Wishing everyone a restful night.

Anne-- Big hugs to you .... It will be 7 yrs for our Brad on the 19th....  Sending you strength....

Thinking of all of you here.... sending you BIG HUGsssss

Thank you Karen. Thanks for creating this group!!!! Hugs to you.

Anne, HUGS HUGS and MORE HUGS!

I wish I could write each of you personally or at least refer to each of you by name. I read every post and send prayers your way, knowing the pain you are having to face each and every day. I'm grateful for this site and the support we are able to offer one another. For those who have been facing recent anniversaries, I'm sorry and hope they passed by as well as possible. For those facing lack of resolution regarding your child's death, I pray that resolution comes quickly to give you a measure of peace. For upcoming holidays without our loved one(s), I pray for comfort in their absence. For lose whose faith is shaky or nonexistent, I pray that God embraces you. For each of us, I pray that we will someday be reunited with our lost child. HUGS.

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks that my son has passed at the age of 24. We believe it was due to an overdose but will not know for sure until the toxicology report comes.

I am so at a loss of words. I am numb. I can't believe this is real. I can't and won't be able to accept this. I am suppose to go before he ever did. Why my son? Why my family? Why does this all feel like a dream? Why, why, why? So many unanswered questions. So many could of, should of, and would of? Well why say that when it is already too late. Why is everyone saying that they should have been there for him more. My mom said that if only he lived with us this would of never happened. She doesn't know what it is like to be an addict. I have been there and done that. I am not blaming anyone for his death.  If only he would of talked to me and let me know how he was feeling. Why didn't he open up to me? I always made sure that my kids felt comfortable to talk with me.

Before he past, he just started a new job and was working graveyard shift. Well I really to talk to him for maybe a month and a half. Not because we weren't talking it was because we worked different hours. When I was working he was sleeping and vice versa. For some reason, I text him the Monday before he passed (he passed on Friday) and asked him if he wanted to do lunch. He said sure and I told him on one condition that he had to take me to get my check. This was joke an on-going joke.  Anyways he came on Thursday and we did lunch and of course it was nice. after he dropped my off back at work of course as always he asked to borrow $20 and I would usually give him a bad time and then end up giving it to him but for some reason this time I didn't. Well we said our goodbyes and told each other I love you and a kiss on the cheek. That was that last time I seen or heard from him. He passed the following day. I feel like he new it was his time and he wanted to see me before. It was such a God thing that I saw him. I often think, well if I didn't give him that $20 would he still be alive?

So many emotions and don't know whether I am coming or going. I am angry, sad, hurt, and every other feeling. Why me?