Thank you Vasanthi for your understamding

Gale it is a hard process.  You want to hold onto everything.  I had no cloice but to clean out Michael's apartment now I have a cabinet full of random things that I will probably never part with. 

Michael loved his jersey's.  He had many and they were all in my closet weighing down the bar.  I didn't want to pack them away but I couldn't handle seeing them.  One day I pulled them out, laid them on  the bed and just laid in them and cried.  My daughter came up with the idea of having them turned into quilts.  I couldn't watch her take them or cut them but when she gave me the quilt I loved it.  

I think we all have to do it when were ready and part with what we can.  Somethings no matter how silly I'm just not giving up.

Thank you Linda. I am praying for you in your effort to keep your grandchildren. I hope it all works out for the best for everyone. hugs

Have not been posting, but I think of you all every day and I try to keep up with the posts.  There are no words that haven't already been said on here and no feelings that haven't been expressed.  I find every day the same and every day a little different.

Teresa, I have read what your aunt said to you a couple of times and each time I read it I get the chills.  So sad for her loss, but what a compassionate heart.

Now I want to ask if anyone has heard from Merry.  I keep in touch with her every once in awhile, but she has not responded lately and I know she was very depressed the last few times she posted.  

Merry if you are reading the posts I beg you to let us know you are here.

We can't always stay in our little cocoon.  We need to keep an eye on others.  Some of you that have been here a few years know  what I'm talking about.

May blessings of peace come to all of us. 

Gale,

It is not an easy process and takes a long time to feel we can give away the last of what ties us to our beloved children. It is a tearing , an abrupt end to what we perceive as the last links to our children. I think that if we dont want to part with anything it is fine cos it feels like we are denying that they ever lived. This is so heartbreaking and so painful that whatever we decide and whenever we decide to make changes it is all valid. There are no rules. Nothing says that we will not 'move on'. Life will force us to continue on this journey whether we want to or not. I wish our realities were different, I wish we never had such a death blow meted out to any of us here. But the fact that we do may also mean that we are chosen to understand life better. xoxoxoxox to all my friends here.

when we lose our child, I feel theres nothing more to live for, I cant move on, sometimes I find it hard to breathe. I hate when people say the  ( D )  word, my shawn just went away, to where he can heal. but  my heart will never heal. I feel empty, lost,and I know most of myself went with him. now I just wait to go to.i understand everyones unbearable pain,  being here with you people im not so alone anymore but I cant continue to live with such pain in my heart. I ask shawn everyday to heal and come back to me, if I don't think this way ill die. I want my baby back, I need him so much. my tears still flow  everyday and night. if there is a god please take me to my son please.   

even though we cannot fully understand God's plan we must never lose sight of Him. He will give you the wings to fly or carry you if needed. Please try and keep the faith, it's actually gotten us this far if we think about it. I personally don't quite understand my daily strength but I do know that my daily prayer, one on one, has kept me sane.

Sending you a gentle hug Kim and all of us whose lost our most treasured children...

thank you linda,  but I stopped believing him when he took my life away

for all of us, we need to find our inner strength in order to find peace.

My son Jesse has been gone for a little over 21 months...Every day I wake up I am still in this living death...I have watched others as they have moved on but I am still stuck in the nightmare of a day of his death....his last moments torment me, I dodge through the streets of our town trying to outrun the reminders he is no longer with me physically. The faith I once had is gone...I know longer know or understand God, I have no life now, every day is a big pretense to make everyone else happy, or to pretend I am not as totally destroyed as I am. I pray every day to die before my eyes open and it is my nightly prayer as well...to join him. My son was exceptionally kind and caring and what did he get, ran over by some lowlife woman, who is now on the run, so who knows if we will even get a trial.  To never hear his voice or have his company again is more than I can bear. Not that I would actively seek to end my life but I will not be complaining if I found out I was terminal. This is my second child death...I have had a hard life...too many disappointments, but to take away my beloved son, in the manner of death he had is more than I can bear. My husband hides away each day after work in his room, he wanders my son's place crying...nobody understands this torment except if you lost a child, I even got to play a part in his death, I bought the damn motorcycle that killed him....how I hate myself....

every day I miss my daughter so so much, but today is one of those days where I simply can't wrap my mind around the fact that I'll never see her again while I still live. that i'll never hear her voice again, that we'll never have another conversation good or bad.  it just isn't real.

That's how I feel too Linda. Sometimes I just can't let that thought in. It is just too hard to accept. It makes my heart flutter just to imagine hearing my Daniel's sweet voice and get that hug. Oh how can they be gone? Sometimes I feel I have made strides in dealing with it but then that wave hits me. I know how that feels first thing in the morning LR. Just hard to make sense out of why I'm here and how to love myself. So much regret. I am working on that but have so little energy. Love to you all.

Yesterday was difficult for me. I still have moments of disbelief that Kyra is gone from this earth. It still seems so hard to grasp. I get through each day but I can't fathom the rest of my life here without her. My other daughter took all of Her sisters belongings because she lives in Montana too. Every time I ask her to send me some of Kyra's tee shirts she punts. I really feel like I need some of her things but don't want to rock the boat with my other daughter. As the first anniversary of her death approaches I feel myself becoming more anxious and having more insomnia. Our children are our life and their absence is so hard to bear. I am so sorry for the loss of your children Ivis and Linda. Sending you hugs I know this is such a hard journey we are all on. Much love to everyone here and our children who have past. Today and tomorrow I have gardening clients so I will be able to dig in the earth which seems to help me the most with grief. I am reading a couple of good books on grief and they have been a support.  

I ask why everyday, why he took my son and not me.  I don't want to live anymore, im to empty in side to lonely.  to take the only child I have and to leave me in such pain is so very wrong. I need to see shawns smile im finding it hard to remember his voice. everyone says remember the good times, but I cant, just that last day, with shawn it wont go away. soon it will be 9 months and it feels like yesterday and at times it like forever. I beg him every night for a sign and im not getting them anymore.  I have not had a dream in 9 months, I feel I have done something wrong, I have tried to stop crying all the time but I cant, I hurt so bad. I have prayed to god to let him come to my dreams, even though im so mad at god and I feel hes not here for me, he took my only child, my love of my life. how can I believe in him anymore. to know ill never have a mothers day, Christmas, easter or birthday, those special days with him, will never be again,  I have got rid of my tree and holiday things. there just another day now. why wont he take me to my son, why is he leaving me in such pain. why why why. and I never get answer. I hope and pray to be with him soon, I know my baby needs me as much as I need him. I just want my shawn back, I cant keep going in life. im to tired and to lost without shawn. I need to feel his love again, I want to die,  to much pain for a mother to handle.  

when I fear i'm forgetting my Desiree's voice I focus on only one expression unique to her and remember when she said it. that helps me to recall her voice, her smile, or maybe even her anger. no matter what it is it is her. I know you don't want to hear "stay strong" but do try Kim. as a mother that lost her only child of 31 years I truly respect your pain but you must try Kim. only then can any of us begin to heal and heal we must till it is OUR time. I cry with you Kim. I also pray for all of us in this most horrid of unfortunate circumstances. Prior to losing my Desiree' my faith was minimal if that. But without the faith of God I could only imagine what I may have done either to myself or with myself.  My strongest hug to you Kim.

thank you linda, but nothing seems to help anymore. I cant see a light at the end of this very dark hole im in. im so sorry  for your loss to, being our only child I just want to go to. this pain will never go away, the loneliness, emptiness will be here forever. I don't want to go on without him, I cant see life without him either. I watch people , my sisters with there familys, there life has gone on, I feel how dare you live on,  how dare you laugh and be happy, when I only cry all the time. they talk about there daughters and when I talk about shawn the chance  back to there kids. I want to kill them. I am the only one that has a son, my 2 sisters each have 2 daughters. but there not seeing my pain, they say I cry to much,  and I should go out but I cant.  they don't cry with me, im starting to hate them.  my faith has gone, I don't know if ill ever get it back. when my mom went I hated god for a long time, but to take away my son, its  far more then hate.   how can I go on, shawns my world, my love my life. hes 41 now, always my baby.  so young so beautiful.  thank you linda  love and hugs to you    kim

thank you my friends , for careing and being here for me, I just want so bad to be with shawn. this is way to hard  to live without my baby. and I really don't want to live without him.  no one should have this hurt , this unbearable pain.  the only journey I want is to go . I wish I was a stronger person, and I use to be, but its  to dark here in my heart now. thank you hugs and much love to you all.            kim

Kim, I do identify with so much of what you wrote. I find myself staggering through the days...it is a hard journey.

From CS Lewis - A Grief Observed

"Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape."

I realize now that my deepest pain after losing my daughter Desiree' is my guilt. Guilt from not being more of a friend instead of just a mother. Even though she was 31 I reflect that I didn't appreciate her personal interests as a friend would, instead I would ridicule her telling her she spent too much grooming, which as a mother of 2 young children I felt she shouldn't have that much time on her hands. But you see...that's what she enjoyed. Making herself look as beautiful on the outside as I know she was on the inside. Yes, it's the guilt that I carry that hurts me the most. If only I knew there would not be time to make right what I now will never be able to tell her these things. That she was my best friend. That I'm sorry I was too much of an over bearing mother than a friend. These 4 months after losing her is an ever enduring journey of emotions.

Thinking of you Adrianne this is so hard. We both lost our children on August 17th. Sending hugs to Linda, LR, and Kim we will all survive and get through this together.

Sending you love and prayers Adrienne as you approach this horrific anniversary. I understand what you mean about guilt causing so much pain Linda. I know that it torments me as well. And I also know in my heart that my son forgives me for my shortcomings and knows how much I love him and tried to do the best for him. These are the really hard lessons we learn from this tragedy. How not to do what we regret - again. I think as parents, we are always quick to correct our children - that's natural. But now we look back and wish we could have done it all over just a little kinder with all the love we feel for them all the time. It's tough because I just want him back so much so I can show him I've changed and have learned. I can only have faith that he knows it.

Lynn - always thinking of you and Kyra. These "anniversaries" come up so fast and yet everyday seems like an eternity.

I am sorry for everyone's pain and hope you can all find some peace tonight. Thank you all for being here and sharing. Hang in there Kim. Just keep hanging in there please. (((  )))

Adrienne & Lynn...HUGS!

Linda, LR, Kim & Jane Lynn is right we will get through this together.

It's okay to cry, we need to.

It's okay right now not to be okay.

HUGS to all!

Yesterday I came home and there was an invite for a dear friend's daughter's wedding...which triggered another meltdown...I am undecided if I will go...I may just send some money...

...so many reminders of what my life has become...it is overwhelming at times...

LR it certainly is overwhelming. Last year I attended my niece's wedding about5 months after my son passed and when they had the mother/son dance I couldn't hold it back any longer. Of course I was happy to be with my niece and family but it is so painful to watch what we and our children willl never have

Can't exist in this world anymore. Time to leave it in hopes of finding Kaitlin, wish me luck!! Hope this works.

Hey Melissa, do you have anyone you can talk to?

6 years of despair is to  much for me, I'm just tired of being in a place where everyone feels out of sight out of mind, which includes pictures of my daughter that no longer grace there fridges with the rest of the cousins. I can't expect them to understand but it's like they pretend she was never here, and she was such a caring, loving teenager that would do anything for them! I have no one that has a clue that I can talk with, and in a way I'm grateful, cuz that would mean they to, like all of us have lost a child. I just want to go away, I've managed to make a mess of my life, and I've not had a moments happiness since Kaitlin died, and I'm tired of pretending, it's all just a lie.

Don't worry, as much as I would like  to leave this world, I really haven't a way to accomplish it with out leaving a mess, and I fear if I took my life I'd be assuring myself a place in hell, and Kaitlin's not to be found there, nor are my parents. Just at the end of my rope and at a loss of what to do anymore.  My wi-fi is about to die and it's cord has been tampered with so it won't charge. Got to take it apart and try to fix it, thank God I followed my dad on weekends and learned some basics about repairing wiring, although he was an attorney not an electrician, I miss him too! Thanks for letting me vent.

Melissa - we know your pain - sometimes it feels too much to handle but you can overcome this wave. I know your daughter is still with you in spirit and you just have to hold on to that - I don't think it's a lie. You'll see her again some day. Seems like your Dad was there with you today! Please message me anytime if you want to vent more.

Hugs to everyone

I haven't been here for quite a while, but I look in now and then to see how it's going. I haven't been able to talk about losing my only son since his death the morning of New Years Eve, 2012. He was my first born. His death deflated me. I am still broken, and I am still having trouble keeping it together. I still have days when the pain is so bad I can hardly move. His wife had him cremated, then kept his ashes-leaving our family with nowhere to grieve, and no memorial for him at all. She went crazy and ended up remarrying less than a year after his death-then had a baby right after!!!! She got married in October (Two weeks before her anniversary with my son) then gave birth a couple of months later. We figured out that she was pregnant with her new husband's child within four months of my son's death!!! It only made it all so much more horrible. I told her how we all felt about it, and she cut all ties with us, and with his little girl AND his ashes. I have his daughter with me, she's 16 now. My son was only 38-died with the widowmaker (clot in a main heart artery which effectively stopped the bloodflow into his heart. She was an LPN. She had a blood pressure cuff and stethiscope with her all the time. I said he needed to be checked by a cardiologist some six years before his death- the consistantly until he died. She made fun of me. She said there was absolutely NOTHING wrong with his heart-that she was a nurse, she would know. He had a hypertensive heart-untreated high blood pressure. I lost him because he listened to her. She let him die. Then she went out having sex and got herself pregnant within a few months after-like some out of control teenager. I am soooo bitter and angry!!! She acts like my son was nothing-just go right out and get a replacement for him. My son died busting his butt for her. He bought her a new home that was more than they could afford. He worked day and night to keep her happy-while she lied on the kids he had custody of from his first marriage saying they were treating her bad until he brought them to me. She took every penny he made and didn't even let him access the account his check went into!!! He carried a louzy $300 credit card he could use for gas and food. His kids from his first marriage did without, while hers lived in luxury. She kept him from visiting them, or any of us-ranting like a crazy person. So, he called us all a lot. We loved him so!!! Even though his first wife cheated on him, she never kept him from us, and we had him with us every holiday. But when he married the second one, we never had another family gathering with him on any holiday. She was evil and heartless and cruel, and I hope she gets in this new marriage all that she gave my son in their marriage. My son's insurance nearly paid off the big fancy home she wanted-and her new husband knocked her up, married her, and moved into the place my son worked and died trying to pay for. my bitterness is deep, and I know it isn't Christian-but I can't forgive her yet. I just hurt for my son so bad, and I just can't get over it. My heart goes out to all of you who are so broken like I am. I know your pain, your sleepless nights, your hopelessness, your alienation of the world around you, your guilt, your fervent prayers for peace in your heart and soul. I am with you. I understand.

Melissa, very early on in this journey I came across Carol Kearn's website. She is a grief counselor who was mentored under Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She also lost her daughter, Krissie. I found her writings to be very helpful. She has also written many articles for Compassionate Friends.

Wishing you peace and everyone on this thread as well.

http://www.carolkearns.com/kristens-legacy/overview.html

http://www.carolkearns.com/columns/columns.html

I miss my daughters physical being. To be able to hold her, smell her, talk with her. It's the unknown that disturbs me as well. I should have gone before her to know what is in store once we pass on. To know what it is like to die and to know what she's experiencing. This troubles me. As a parent it's part of our job to have knowledge of what lies ahead. I wasn't able to do that for Desiree'. I love you Boog. Mama will always love you.

I agree linda, we go first not our children, that's the unbearable pain.  I sleep with shawns clothes and I can smell him every night. I hold it so tight no one can get it out of my arms. I pray every night hes holding on to me .I died that day to with my shawn, now I just wait to go with him, and it better be soon, I cant wait forever I wont.   hugs linda  

im so very sorry chelle. I know your heart is broken like mine. I was with my son shawn, I screamed so much for him not to leave me. I died that day to. I just wish I could go now with him.  I wish I could have given him my heart, but now mines so empty and dead. hugs to you   love kim

the other day I was sitting at the computer in our home, I was alone, we have levolor blinds in our family room. The blinds beside and to the near left of me in the middle fluttered as if someone passed their hand through them. It was the middle of the day. The first words out of my mouth was my daughters name. To this day I truly believe she was with me that day and wanted me to know she was with me. Curious. I haven't had an experience of this kind since smelling her perfume while in the park with my grandson days after her death. No matter where I went in the park her perfume was all about me. No one other than my grandson and myself were in the park at the time.  My Desiree' has been gone now for 4 months. I don't know what to think. Is this possible?  I haven't shared this with my husband.  We have our own ways of dealing with the loss.  She was my only and at my age of 54 there will never be another.  ..

Linda, yes, I sincerely believe that Desiree was showing you she's with you. I have had some unexplainable experiences that I know are from my son, Chris. Cherish those moments; they're precious.

i'm no good. I should be the one dead.  i'm reckless and without abandon. daily I ask God to forgive me of my transgressions. I think I had an "ahah" moment. God only takes you when your soul is pure as he did with my Desiree'.  I'm polluted. I take meds now to make me sleep and I drink well beyond my capacity just so I don't think about things. like the death of my only child. I'm a waist of skin so to speak. I loath myself. if the truth be know I should have died so many times before. I should have been the one to die in an auto accident. I've come so close to doing so while drunk off my ass. thank you Jesus for being certain that if that should have happened it would have been a one car accident. the pity of it is that my only child died just that way. the way I should have died so many time before. was it poetic justice? No. I don't blame God for any of this. He gives us the "wheel" so to speak but trust me when I tell you, we are the drivers. This site is yet another example of God's great glory. I can vent and say EXACTLY what I feel and why without being judgement. Family. As much as they love me have no idea of the torment i'm going thru. 4 months. 4 months. I can't wait till (God willing) I can say " I lost my daughter 1-2 years" ago.

so I feel that no one identifies with me...yes"

somebody please "tell the truth and shame the devil"!  HELP ME!

Dear Linda, You're pretty hard on yourself, although I understand how that happens. I think we punish ourselves much more than anyone else possibly could. About the drinking. It won't work. I tried it myself after the loss of my 12yr old. When you try to mask the grief, and the pain with substances all that ends up happening is prolonging the inevitable. What goes up must come down. Going up is easy, but the coming down part is ruthless. After reading your post I started remembering once again feeling the same way. When I was young I partied like a rock star, and a few times I probably shouldn't have lived. The day my little boy died I was supposed to be driving, but I had worked all day, and was tired so I had my older son drive. I had no idea that decision would come to haunt me everyday of my life for years. The thing of it is there was no way of knowing what would happen that day. Even though I still at times hold myself responsible for his death I have learned to take it a little easier on myself. There was no way I could've known the outcome of that day. Hine sight is always 20/20. I do identify with you. I know for a fact that drugs, and alcohol are not the answer to grief. Working through and lots of time spent dealing with this loss has been my only savior. I too felt for a very long time that I didn't deserve to live. Many times I too have felt like a waste of space. I don't feel that way very often anymore. I  want you to know that most who lose a child want to do whatever it takes to not have to think or deal with it. Sooner or later though I had to make a choice. I chose no more drugs or alcohol. I chose to feel the pain, and feel the grief. It was hard, and it took a lot of time, but was worth the effort. It's like having a terrible painful sore. Substance abuse is a band aid. It covers the sore, but when removed the sore is still there, and sometimes that sore becomes infected, and much harder to heal. When my oldest son was killed my first reaction was to put the band aid on, and cover the sore. However flashbacks reminded me how much more devastating my grief would be if I returned to masking the agony instead of dealing with it head on. We are here to help each other, and writing down your feelings whatever they may be is a step in the right direction. You need to be a little nicer to yourself especially while you grieve. I am living proof of survival of the worst that can happen to a parent. I also have great faith that one day I will hold my children in my arms once more, and that's something no one can take from me. Peace, and Love to all.

thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement. today is a new day and another opportunity to try and do better.

Big hugs and much love to you all for being there for me.

Linda being able to say 1-2 years makes nothing any easier.  If anything the people who are willing to talk about your missing child becomes fewer. 

I agree with Anne you can't beat yourself up.  we all study those last days and moments.  We all can find a way to put blame on ourselves. 

This is a journey that none of us choose.  I am almost at the 2 year mark and the anxiety is taking over. The advise of taking one day at a time is what I'm trying to do but I have to admit I don't want September to come.  I don't know why because I now know I will survive it.  I survived it last year and I will survive it this year. 

I am starting to understand that this pain will never go away but I can manage it.  There's moments that just take over but most of the time I am able to manage my emotions.  For me my tears are more private now.  

I try to focus more on the good moments of Michael's life rather than that final day. 

And Dolly like you I get my gifts from Michael. I know he is there and I know those gifts are from him. And again, even if I'm wrong it's ok because it makes me feel better. 

HUGS TO ALL!

Looking back I'm amazed how I just shut down after the year anniversary of Brandon's death... its as if I am frozen into that place that KNOWS he is REALLY REALLY never coming back to me ... the reality is like a ton of sorrow strangling me with nowhere to go nothing to do no amount of tears help nothing helps its just over and i can't stand it....