Just came back from vacation and now I have to jump right back into work.  I have to catch up but I want everyone to know I MISSED YOU ALL AND THOUGHT OF YOU ALL WHILE I WAS AWAY!

We did stop in Miami.    I had a great time but there were moments I felt guilty about enjoying it. One morning I had a little melt down but pulled it together.  Just as I was missing everyone I met a woman who lost her husband and we shared conversation, which helped me.   

Teresa, im so glad you had a good time, you needed it. and I know your son was with you. take care   love kim

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KYRA!!!!

Yesterday was not a good day. I found myself consumed with the details of losing my only daughter Desiree' in a fatal accident. It was reported on line by the media and I couldn't help but go over every detail each had written.  I never had a chance to see her the day she left on the road or anytime after as we had her remains cremated. It still seems as though it's not real.

Happy (belated) Birthday to Kyra! Take care of your mom, honey; she misses you!

Linda, I'm so sorry about your daughter, Desiree. I understand what it's like not to have seen her. My son died while on a cruise. They took his body to the nearest island and he was cremated there. It makes it even more unreal...My heart goes out to you.

Tomorrow and Saturday I'm attending The Compassionate Friends conference. About 1500 people will be in attendance. So many of the workshops sound good. It's hard to believe so many bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents will be in the same place. It will be the first I've attended. I hope it's healing.

It's not a group anyone should ever be a part of. As it's only been 3 1/2 months since losing my baby (she'll always be my baby even though she was 31) I've tried to find outlets for my grief. I know that friends and family try as they may but there is just no fully understanding this pain without, sadly enough, having the misfortune of experience.

Has it been long since losing your precious son? It helps a lot to have this site for expressing my emotions without judgment. I wouldn't even know how to find such a workshop as the one you've mentions.

Linda

Michelle I hope you find healing at the conference please don't forget to share your experience.  Linda age doesn't matter because we are always "mom".  Your pain is just as great as any other mother.

Linda I didn't get to touch, hug or hold my Michael either.  Because he wasn't found over the weekend they wouldn't allow me to see him.  I was so angry but now I realize it was for my own good.  I understand how it makes so unreal because it is as if they are just gone.

I did have a great vacation but I also had moments of guilt. I felt guilty I was enjoying myself and Michael wasn't here to do it with me.  I sat outside the airport in Miami fighting the tears and talking to myself.  Well talking to Michael.  I also had a mini break down one morning, kept it private on the balcony. I missed everyone, ok maybe it was I needed everyone. 

I went to the pool and ended up talking to this woman who lost her husband.  She was so in love with him.  The conversation pulled me back up.  The woman then told my girlfriend how much she appreciated the conversation with me without knowing how much I appreciated the conversation with her.  I just believe God puts people in your path and so Thank You God for putting Karen from Boston in my path.  She was a great substitute when I needed her.  I truly did miss everyone I have become so dependent on this site.

Merry, I know at times I have to push myself.  There's days I don't want to do nothing, go no where or see anyone but I push myself.  I thought I had gotten real good at putting on the fake face, but as I look at my pictures from my vacation I realize just how sad my face has become.  Even so I will fight everyday to live. If for anything for my daughter and for my family. 

my heart is so heavy  with pain, trying so hard to remember the good times, shawn I miss you so bad, without you there is no love there is no reason to be here. to hear the word mom again, would send me to the moon, you are and always will be my love, my life my baby. my heart and my soul.  help me through this shawn without you I cant do this.  love you forever  mom   

i so feel every bit of pain you are experiencing kim. only months ago I lost my only most beautiful daughter.  you are so right, if only to hear the word mom addressed to me would make my world real again. just last night as I tossed and turned I focused all my attention to hearing conversations we once had if only to hear her voice. there is no easy way or anything that could instantly take this pain away, but I do believe that having faith in God and knowing that he loves ALL his children that this belief will help us heal. I have to remind myself at times that I am surrounded by love, the love of my husband, the love of my family and the love of close friends that still need us. try to find peace in that kim when your day's, like mine, can sometimes seem pointless.

Linda

thank you linda but all my days are  pointless anymore. without my shawn theres nothing for me. I cant sleep, im so tired, I cry all the time. I just want to go with him, I pray to. the pain is just to much. and I am so very very sorry about your loss to I know the pain and loneliness you to are feeling  again  thank you

Reading and keep reading what you my dearest friends write.. dont have anything new to say except that at such times we must keep the faith that all will be well somehow. My son had a calendar which didn't have the year on it and everyday there has some saying in it. When I was lost in despair i had flipped the page and it said," When you believe in what you don't see, the reward is in seeing what you believe" ... and one day when I most needed it and flipped the page again, it said , " you are the most precious to me in the whole world"...how I hang on to all this :(

of many things I grieve about concerning the loss of my only daughter and the only child I will ever be able to have is that she had never experienced true love with a man. I will never be able to give her that big beautiful wedding, she so loved beautiful things....

Hi Linda,  I truly understand your pain of realizing the hopes and dreams you had for your daughter, are no longer.  Such a sorrowful thought.  I too lost my only child Michael (a son) and I think about the grandchildren that won't be in my life or the wedding that isn't happening.  It's all so much to take in - I've been seeing a grief therapist and she's helped me a lot.  She too lost her only child (a son) so I feel an immediate connection with her.  Please know that I am thinking of you and sending hugs your way

Vasanthi I am so sorry for your loss - what an amazing comment you wrote about keeping the faith and then reading from your son's calendar!!  I too lost an only child - Michael at 31 from an apparent overdose.  He had been clean and productive in life and then one day/night he and his girlfriend made a choice.  It cost both their lives....I miss him so much it's sometimes unbearable.  I also go to a grief therapist who too lost an only child (son).  It has helped me quite a bit.  God Bless you -

my daughter was also 31 when I lost her a couple months ago.  she did leave me with 2 beautiful grandchildren, however, her and the father had not been together for several years. she had been living with us for over 1 year at the time of her death. since her passing the father has come back into our lives to take our grandchildren.  as this is florida there are no family laws protecting us. so in effect I have lost them all....

thank you for your kind words Gale.

Linda

My Michael was 29 with no kids.

I just miss him so badly.  I want to call him. I want to talk to him.

God please give us the strength we need to endure this.

try as I may NOT, I find myself "self" medicating with alcohol. when this happens I feel even more guilty cause I then question if i'm just not "poo partying" in which case is a very sad situation....

Linda  I know we all do what we need to do to endure this but for me I needed to back away from alcohol.  I have enough tears without causing myself the crying blues and I am afraid of drowning in it. 

Lately I find myself questioning my job choice.  I have been in the social service field forever but I feel so burned out now.  After Michael it just doesn't feel the same. 

I promised I'd share a little about The Compassionate Friends national conference which took place this past weekend. It was well worth the time and money to go. There were many different workshops to choose from on a wide variety of topics. There was a lot of interaction in these workshops and it was validating to hear of people's experiences following the death of their child(ren). So much of what we share with one another on this site was repeated by various people. It was humbling to be in a room with 1500 bereaved parents (grandparents and siblings were among the group, too, but by far the majority were parents). It felt validating to know that our experiences of grief are universal. I met some wonderful people. If anyone has specific questions, please message me. The next conference will be next July in Dallas.

it's been 4 months since losing my Desiree'. I haven't had the strength to go thru her personal belongings as yet since I couldn't bare to let them go.  she had put so much of herself into buying beautiful clothes as she so loved beautiful things. my sister suggested that when i'm ready that my niece will be able to wear them or so we hope cause I just can't bring myself to just letting them go to just anyone or any organization. that day will come this Friday.  I pray for strength as I prepare to depart with those items....

Linda, my Michael loved his jersey's. He would buy themn directly from the teams.  I orginally wanted to give each niece and nephew one until it came time to do it and then I just couldn't part with them.

My daughter took them and had a quilt made out of them for my ex husband and myself.  I still have a few of his jersey's in their orginal form and I love the quilt.

Michelle what was the one thing you took away from the conference?

Lynn once the bench is in place I would love to see it.  I think that is a beautiful idea.

I kinda hit bottom the other morning.  I was having a hard time pulling it together.  I went out on my back deck and as I lifted my head there was a hummingbird just holding steady right there in front of me.  Of course I decided it was Michael.  Doesn't matter cause that little bird pulled me out of it.

Hello to all! Been thinking about all of you.

Teresa, although it's hard to pick just one thing, I guess I'd say that "civilians" don't have a clue as to how to be with those of us who have lost a child. They don't know what to say or do around us.

today is the day I part with some of my daughters personal belongings. please pray for me that I may be able to do so....

linda, please take small breaks to just sit and breathe . I did nothing but cry the hole time . hugs  kim  

this morning a friend came over I have not seen in months, he asked how I was doing and I just broke down and cryed. why do they keep asking and saying in time it  will better,  NO IT WONT, it will never ever be better.

It is very very difficult to give things away . Back home I have left Shreyas's room as it isand since I am now in MA when I do go back for a visit as my parents are there in the next  flat though we made both the flats one, I will probably still leave everything as it is. I know when I used to go to his room since his closet etc has all the things of his in it, I felt close to him. I gave away one of his favourite pant and some shirts but I felt terrible about it. I used to tease him about that pant with so so many pockets and now I wish I hadnt acted so brave and given it away. Sighhhhh . Very soon my parents plan to shift to Southern India and leave Mumbai so at that time I also will sell the flat as It would haunt me with no Micks or my parents in it. Craig and me decided to get another home somewhere in the hills in India when we sell it off. Till then I will leave everything as it is... sighhhhhh I just want my son back so bad I just feel that sometimes I have run far away to just keep everything in my mind as it is. This way I feel he is still there. My head is not ok, not normal!!!!

I broke down so very hard as I was going thru Desiree's this Connie.  The only way I managed to get through it was knowing that by giving them to her cousin was that she loved Desiree' much as a sister and that she will take care of her things as Desiree' would have.

Connie. Please. Go at your own personal pace but for us to heal we must start with ourselves. Desiree' too was my only child and the grandchildren (2-ages 7 and 3) I am battling in court to keep since the father has not been there for a very long time. So my pain runs very deep. But we must remind ourselves that we have others that need us.

I send you a BIG HUG with lots of love.

Linda, I pray that you get to have your grandchildren.

Vasanthi, when you have to leave your home in India behind, I suspect it will lead to another level of healing. Painful...

Linda,

I pray that you find the strength and courage to manage the parting of your daughter's belongings.  It is yet another step in the long journey of grief.  Hugs

Michael lived in a rented apartment so I had no choice but to clean his things out quickly.  I did bring home a cabinet full of random things, one of them being the last piece of paper he wrote on. 

Having his jersey's turned into quilts was a process. For me everything is a process now.   

I have been very lucky to have very supportive family and friends.

However, Kim that doesn't mean they don't sometimes say insensitive things without realizing it.  "Michael wouldn't want you to cry" Time will heal the wound" "you still have your daughter".  You and I know all this is stupid to say but because they are not walking in our shoes they have no clue and we have to try and let these things go.  I know how you feel cause I use to get mad at them now I just smile and ignore it.

We will never say these things to you Kim cause we do know.  I didn't understand when others would say you will learn to manage it but now I think I am starting to understand that. 

The pain is there, the tears are ready but I'm in a place now where it is very personal to me.  I save those moments for myself.  If that makes sense.

terea, am I the kim you are talking to? because I do not have a daughter and my sons name is shawn. just asking ok  thank you   hugs  kim

No, those are the things people have said to me while trying to comfort me.  Just like when it was said to you "time will heal" The point is we have to ignore some of the things people say because while they mean well they don't know these things are hurtful and do not help our grieving.   

Went to my Aunt's 80th surprise party last night.  She lost her son over 30 years ago.  She said to me, "I'm watching you and your doing good.  I know everybody expects you to be okay but we know your forever different, but your doing good". That meant so much to me.

Then about 30 minutes later one of my cousins came up to me and asked, "Where's Michael?"  My face said it all and she quickly apologized.  I know she didn't mean to upset me, she just simply forgot. 

Teresa, thank you and  when your aunt said that to you it made me feel good for a moment,  as for your cousin I think I would have fainted. I know we need to ignore some things but from my sister it hurts bad.  there are times when I just want to slap peoples face, all you have to do is look at me, swollen eyes always trying to hold back  my tears when I go out.and most of all wanting to die everyday.   to much pain for one person to handle.   thank you Teresa  hugs  kim  

Linda, it has only been a month and a half since I lost my only child Michael.  I am not ready at all to give his things away.  I was wondering if you or anyone else could tell me when you felt like it was time to do so.  Thanks so much - so heartbroken.......

I could only do baby steps giving away some of her lovely things. as it turned out her cousin was and is as delicate and gracious as my Boog (the nickname I gave to her cause during my pregnancy I loved to dance). Tiff her cousin would ask me repeatedly if I'm ok. As I cried and laughed at the same seeming time I thanked her for being so thoughtful as to help me thru this.  The only reason I was able to part with Desiree's things was the knowledge that Tiff would love and cherish the items as my precious baby would have.  As the day has passed I cry and cry but I know that Desiree' is now wearing the most beautiful of wonderful things only God can provide. This is my comfort. This is my peace....Hug's Gale and kisses from someone who knows the impossible pain from a recent loss, Desiree' has only gone home 3 months ago. She was my only child. My every breath. My every reason for living....