Michelle,Sent you my number in a message ... xo

We had to change all of benefiaries too...it was difficult to say the least...Every day as I wake up, even before my eyes open the thought of my son Jesse not being here in this earth plane just hits me like a punch in the chest...I realize I am still in this nightmare...it is not going away...

Yesterday I went to his house... we have kept it for now...I hate it but there is so much of him still there...we have not touched anything in the inside except for basic cleaning...

...one day it will be right to change it but once that is done it is gone...it will feel like losing him in yet another sense...

....I had many signs the year of his leaving and since...I know the spirit endures...

At first I did a lot of research in this area...a good one is Bernie Siegel..he is a medical doctor.

One of the best videos I watched was this from a cardiac surgeon, Dr. Lloyd Rudy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL1oDuvQR08

I am just sad, depressed...I cannot believe this is my life, yet it is...

Hi everyone - I believe all of these signs and experiences are real. I just wrote a long message and lost it somehow. Frustrated!

Teresa, changing the will is a tough one. We had to do that before we traveled last year just in case. Wow - so many things that I wanted Daniel to have . Now they all seem pointless with no other children or grandchildren. But there was some comfort in getting that in order so that we are prepared and  no one will have to figure these things out if we were to both pass together. But such a tangible reminder...

LR - I was saying that I also have done research and it helps me deal with everything a little better. Yesterday I was singing "Dancing in the Sky" and concentrating on just singing it to Daniel when all of a sudden I swear I felt him right in front of me and I was so happy and sad all at the same time. He said "don't cry, I want you to be happy." The big question is "how do i do that without him in my life ?" Anyway I believe the signs and communications are their way of trying to help us get through until we are together again and can understand it all.

Vasanthi - I am so happy that you found a way to be involved in giving service. I have missed hearing from you. You too Merry

Michele - I wish I could go to the walk but am afraid my trip to Chicago was last month! I wish they had local walks that coincided. I hope you will represent us. :)

Lynn - am thinking of Kyra so much lately as I have been gardening alot. I will remember you both on her birthday.

Love to everyone here, and a special hug for you Kim. (((  )))

LOVE love LOVE to you all..... (( and gentle understanding hugs ))

Broken... Just so Broken ...

I'm with you Adrianne, I think the first year I spent it trying to negotiate, this year is more the reality.  It's mixed in with a little disbelief but it's still me facing just how real this is.  And your right it is emotionally and physically draining.

Some one sent this to me and thought it was so true

There was a time
following the death of my daughter Erin in 1990
when I simply
did not
could not
believe there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
If you are at that place
today
right now
the best you may be able to do is
Hold On
Hold On
Hold On.
Know that we
who have been 
where you are now
send you love
and light
and hope
and strength.
Hold on.

that's very beautiful.

Lynn thanks for sharing that......I'm holding on

Thanks for sharing Lynn

Lynn, thanks for that beautiful body of words about holding on.  I am desperately trying to do that.  Gale

Gale,

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my only son who was 27 in a car accident and my prayers are with you and all here. I understand the unbelievable pain and here we can talk about it with everyone and be really understood. It is just such a pity that young lives are snuffed out like this and we live through it. I hope you have people around you who can be of help in some way.Please take care and while no words can express the sorrow and grief please know that I/we are there for you.xoxox

Beautiful - thanks for sharing Dolly

Today before I went to work I watched the movie 8 seconds. I did ok till they carried out his casket. I cried so hard I had to change my tear soaked shirt. I went to work, and held a beautiful tiny 5 week old baby girl in my arms, and I cried. That little child reminded me that life goes on whether we like it or not. I can't hold my own boys anymore, but I am grateful that I have these tiny little reminders to bring joy to my broken heart.

Michael was such a little dare devil.  He was all but maybe three when he would put on his army outfit, his GI Joe winter gloves, his football helmet and starting at the top of the block he would try to gain as much speed as he could just to crash into the stone wall at the end of the block.  He thought it was fun.  Even after he scrapped the top layer of skin off his nose I couldn't keep him from doing it.

I hope all is well with everyone.  I think about Michael from day one to his last day. I laugh as I think of his silly moments. I just miss him so much.  I wish there were new stories to tell.

I cryed all night, like I do everynight. at midnight I heard someone knocking on the door, I have been hearing it a lot, I ran to the door and no ones there.just got back from seeing him, god I hurt so bad,i want so much  to go see him, to hold him again.   still trying to remember the good times, my head just keeps going back to the last. just to much pain, unbearable heart break.

What a a funny story Teresa. At least we have our precious memories. I too think of the crazy, fun things my Daniel did when life seemed full and promising. He also was a dare devil and would try just about anything. He was fearless. It is so heartbreaking to get to those last memories of his life here. I hope someday when we are together again he will tell me wonderful tales of all the adventures he is having now....  Kim , the knocking on the door may be your son letting you know that he is still with you. Signs come in all kinds of ways. so sorry for all of this horrible pain we all have to endure. Peace to everyone.

anne - it must be so beautiful to hold those babies in your arms.

yes connie I do believe it is him, I just wish he would come in to talk to me, the medium, I saw told me it was shawn. I just so bad need him to come to my dreams, I love and miss him so.

 Tear Soup: a Recipe for healing after a loss. By Pat Schwiebert & Chuck DeKlyen

Helpful Ingredients to Consider:
°A pot full of tears
°A broken heart willing to be broken open
°A dash of bitters
°A bunch of good friends
°Many handfuls of comfort foods
°A lot of patience
°Buckets of water to replace the tears
°Plenty of exercise
°A variety of helpful reading material
°Enough self care
°Season with memories
°Optional; a good therapist and/or support group
Directions:
Choose the success pot that fits your grief. It's OK to increase the pot size if you miscalculate. Combine ingredients. Set temperature for a moderate heat. Cooking times will vary depending on the ingredients needed. String flavors mellow over time. Stir often. Cook no longer than you need to.

Suggestions:
•Be creative
•Trust your instincts
•Cry when you want to, laugh when you can
•Freeze some to use as starter the next time
•Write your own soup making in a journal so you won't forget

Lynn - this is such a beautiful book - I recommend everyone try to take a look at it. OX

Thank you for sharing Lynn. 

Kim that was your son knocking at the door. He wants you to know he is looking over you.

Connie you gave me a beautiful thought today.  Michael will also tell me about the adventures he is having now.  When I get to heaven we are going to have so much to talk about.

Going to Montana tomorrow for two weeks. Staying near my daughter Genna's and then all of us will travel to Kyra's old trailer at the farm and send birthday wishes up to the heavens on July 8th. Her first birthday apart from us physically, I hope she is safe, happy and is with us in spirit. Peace to all. 

Love and strength to you all <3 <3 <3 

Been hectic but you all are always with me. Thursday to Sunday out again this time for a retreat. I ache with the loss of my son, just that everything I do I just need him to be with me and share. or i need total oblivion.

Today is my 19th month without my child.

I'm not doing well. I have tried everything that I can to endure this life but nothing has worked. To put it simply, I have lost all desire to live. I have not wanted to live for a very long time. I think about ending my life all the time. I search for methods that will be successful. No one knows I am feeling this way. I worry about saying this for fear of upsetting any of you here who are already feeling so badly.

I miss Danielle so very much. She was the only person who made me feel truly loved. She was everything to me. Without her, I am nothing.

I ask God to forgive me. I ask him to take me. I am at my end. It's just too much. I don't have the strength for another day.

I am alone. I only want to be with my child. I cry all the time. My world is very dark.

And this is the hand I have been dealt, it's not going to change.

My life isn't going to get "better". I know that.

My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I am so sorry you must bear this awful pain.

dear jane, I do know how you feel, I to lost my beautiful son on the 5 it will be 8 months. he is my only child. I know the unbearable pain you are in, I to cry everyday all day and night. I want so bad to be with him to. we need eachother, everyone here  can help us in time. everyone here knows the pain, we share. I think everyday about taking my own life and I will forever. my son shawn is my life. I have never met anyone here but I do love each and every one of you. what we all share is unbelieveable pain.  please give us a chance to be here for you. I to need everyone here to hear me, to understand me, WE ARE ALL FAMILY NOW no one will ever be as close to us as everyone in here. we are all in a very dark place and cant get out, so we do know what you are feeling. please talk to us,  I DO NEED YOU, and ill be here for you.    love and hugs  kim

Dear Jane, Michelle, and Kim are so right. This is a very dark place to be, and we all feel like giving up at times. Yes it will always hurt, but we can't just think of ourselves. I know I want to just think of me, but I also know I can't do that. It's ok to feel the way you are feeling. It's ok to feel so desperate, but you will work through those feelings. We all will. You have already taken a good step by writing these feelings down. It is a fight. A fight that we will endure forever. Giving up won't bring your child back. Giving up doesn't insure that you will be with your child. Nobody knows what happens if you give up. Please don't take that chance. Let it out. Release the pain. Show your child how much you love her by surviving. We all know your pain. We here know your desperation, and we are here to help you in any way we can. I for one know your darkness all too well. I've lived it, twice. I promise the light will shine for you again. We care about you. I care about you. Crying is good, screaming, yelling, getting it out will help you. I can't even count on both hands, and both feet how many times I have wanted to give up, or have wished myself dead, but it solved nothing. I have also thought about how I could do myself in without hurting anyone, and it can't be done. Please listen to all of us here. We all need you. Much love to you.

I feel very "out of it" today.

I have no strength.

I feel drained and empty.

Thank you Michelle, Kim, Anne and Dolly. I keep reading what you said, over and over.

I have been feeling this way for a very long time. I know it's wrong but so is this pain. I have not had "feelings" for a long time. I don't "love" anyone anymore. When people talk to me, I don't remember what they say. Most times I don't even listen, I just pretend to. I have become very good at pretending when I have to. But not for long, I need to get back home. I want to be alone. I want to spend time "with Danielle". I don't want to go out, I don't answer the phone. I just lay on the couch watching tv. I have tried therapy, no luck. She told me she didn't feel she was qualified to help me and that I needed more intense therapy. I haven't tried again. I guess I knew I would have to do this on my own. I volunteer 2 days a week, I walk, I hike. At first it helped but now I find myself feeling like it is hopeless.

How else can I feel? My life was Danielle. She was with me for 25 years. The last seven years of her life we were together 24 hours a day. She was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer when she was 18. So she never left home. I was her only caregiver. She was young and very uncomfortable with strangers.

I miss her with every fibre in my body.

I guess I don't know how to go on.

girls, we all feel useless and empty anymore. we live for our children, now we have love them, the love of our lives, we are question every day, everything we ever did for them. I have lost very good long time friends after shawn went away, but now I know they really were not my friend. us either, I never laugh or smile any more, and you know what ( I REALLY DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEM EITHER ) if they cant understand what im going through and cant be here for me, well there  NOT WORTH IT . I feel the people in here are my good friends now. you let me talk, you let me cry and pour my heart out. that is a true friend and family. we all want to go with our kids and I hope soon  I can. I know we are in unbearable pain dolly, jane everyone .  we can cry together we can be here for eachother, I to am dieing inside, please lets help each other, it will take the rest of my life to get through this and I know for everyone else to. but  WE DO HAVE EACHOTHER  to help us.  you are all now my friends and my family,  we all share  something very very  heartbreaking, we do need eachother now more then ever.  hugs to you all love kim

Jane, Dolly, most of us know the desperation you're feeling. I'm sure most of us have either wished God would take us or even thought about doing it ourselves. I know the loneliness, the longing for our children. It doesn't make sense to us that they went first. It's not supposed to happen this way. But I do think that each of us has a purpose in this life that we haven't yet fulfilled, even though it may seem that there IS no purpose. I have to tell you both (and everyone else) that you ARE needed...here on this forum most definitely. It doesn't matter that we haven't met in person; we have a bond that most of us don't have with anyone else. We UNDERSTAND. And we hurt WITH you and FOR you as well as for ourselves. But we would hurt even more if one of our own decided to end it all. Please know that it really isn't the answer.

Jane - I have tried 3 times to respond to you. I am so sorry for the despair you are feeling and just don't want to say the wrong thing. What everyone has already said is all true. We are not sure why we are still here but I know that we all have our own destiny and love left to give. You were your daughter's caretaker through an extremely difficult and exhausting struggle. That takes a lot and I bet you could have a lot of compassion for others in the same situation. I know as my son's caregiver, I learned a lot that I can share with others going through what he did. We had to learn the hard way but now what we have learned, we have to share. Sharing love is all that really matters in this world. Please remember that we all love you and appreciate you. I would go crazy if I didn't have you all to talk to. You matter, your life matters and your daughter is still with you in spirit. I know that losing you would be heartbreaking to those who love you. I wish I could give you a hug in person.

Dolly - thinking of you and the stressful trip. I'm getting ready to finally see my family after over a year. I am already stressed that I won't be able to hold it together but oh well. We are who we are now and I can only hope they love me enough to accept however I have to grieve.

To them it seems like 18 months has gone by; to me it seems like yesterday. I still can't reconnect. I still have to take things a day, an hour at a time. After I come home, i will look for another job and try to put the pieces of me back into some sort of order. i need to do something that feeds my soul, and honors my son. I need to be needed. I know how you feel. It all hurts so bad. I'm sorry.

Funny thing -  I am getting my hair highlighted on Saturday too, leaving next Wednesday. Should I reconsider?!

Sending love and light to you all

Dolly - there are a million choices that could have changed the outcome of that day. But change it how? That's the question we can't answer. It's not your fault. All of your intentions come from love and hope to make Brandon's life better. You can't carry that burden. It's a struggle I have every day also. But it's impossible to carry that pain. There will never be a resolution to the what if's. You loved him and did everything you could to make him happy and it shows in his smile.

We are all going through things that are so normal for what we've been through. It may not seem like it right now, but I tell you that when I read all of your posts which I try to do everyday, I realize just how "normal" all of these hurdles, and feelings are for those of us who had no choice but to go through this horrible trauma. All the questions, second guessing, desperation, it's all a part of this journey that nobody wants to walk. My best friend has been time, and the love from those close to me. Should've, could've, would've, I believe goes through all of our minds, but it causes more pain, and suffering. Atleast it did for me. I was drowning in these questions that I couldn't do anything about. Hine sight is always 20/20. The Serenity Prayer said it best for me. I had to come to a point where I had to accept the things that I can't change. It's very difficult to do, but it can be done. Faith has played a major role in my survival. I lived for so long without it after my little boy burned to death in that damn car. I had faith before, but after, I was hell bent on never believing in anything ever again. Once the anger finally subsided I felt my faith return, and then it happened again, but this time I held on to my faith as hard as I possibly could. Even as angry as I was that it happened again, I knew that there had to be a God because I couldn't be that angry at something that didn't exist. When I finally came to a point where I was thinking more clearly, I felt in my heart, and soul that God did not do this to me. That was a turning point in my life. I had to ask myself this important question. What would be the purpose of God taking my children? I could not think of one answer. However I did come to the conclusion that life comes with no guarantees. Things are going to happen whether we like it or not. I have also discovered that life is what it is. Good, and bad, and not just to me, but to everyone. All we can do is love with all our hearts, cry when we need to, and do our best to help others with what we have learned. The thought that one day we will all be together again is one I hold on to. Some days I have to repeat that thought to myself over, and over just to survive one more day. I hope all of you know how important you are. Not just for all of us, but for those who come after us too, and sorry to say that there will be more after us. I wish for all of you Peace, Love, Understanding, and most of all Hope! You all mean the world to me. I gather strength every time I come here because you are all so willing to share. Grieving sucks no matter how you look at it, but at least we have each other. Nobody wants to belong to this group, but since it's one of those things we have no control over, I'm glad we have a place to go where we don't have to do this alone. Much Love to all of you!

Oh Anne, you are such a beautiful person.

Your words are kind and compassionate and full of complete understanding. The kind of understanding that I don't have here at home.

I don't know what normal is. I know I need help but have nowhere to go. I don't want to take anti-depressants. I felt I should "feel" my pain. And I have, my body convulses, I throw myself in the bathroom until it passes. It is so intense, there is physical pain. I have to cry into the sink because my eyes are so swollen I can't touch them. I lock my doors, I don't answer the phone. I do not want to live the rest of my pathetic life like this. I can't. I know I'm loosing it. I can feel it, I am conscious of it.

But I can't get up. I have no more strength. I have been feeling like this for months. And now I just lay on couch watching mindless tv. The sun is shining, I have the drapes closed.

I am alone. My husband has given up on me. He was Danielle's step father. We have a trailer so he's living there.

I am 63. No job, no pension, no future. It's too late for me to make a new future.

I wanted to "live" when Danielle was here. We went to ball games, shopping, dinner etc. Now I do nothing. She was my joy, such a beautiful child and so funny. We would "belly laugh" with each other. I don't laugh anymore. I don't even smile.

I needed to say all this, I'm sorry.

I know you are all suffering. I feel selfish.

I needed to tell someone before I go crazy.

Thank you all for listening

Jane you never have to apologize for expressing your feelings here. And it's never too late. I too have no job but feel I really need one to have something else to put my attention and energy towards. And it seems the only time I feel better is when I can do something for someone else. I hope you can find something in the world that can keep you in that can make you feel better if only for a moment. Then try to go to that often. Sending you love , hope and prayers

Hi Lynn

Thank you for your message. Unfortunately I do not have a family. My Mom, Dad, Brother and sister have all passed away. I do have friends, good friends, we've been together for over 40 years. But I do not reach out, I am unable to, I don't know why. My "make up" does not allow me to share this kind of pain. No one knows what to say. I grieve alone. By choice. I don't know why but it's what I have to do. So I'm ok with being alone. I can break down whenever I need to.

I called a crisis line yesterday, they gave me 3 numbers to call. I have not yet called.

How do you share this with others? If I told them what really goes on, they would have me committed!

I really appreciate and am thankful that you are all so compassionate and understanding. I'm trying to pull myself out. I'm seriously considering going on the meds, I'm out of strength. I feel spent.

But I keep reading your messages to gain some strength.

I've been reading your blogs, I never knew they were there.

I'm trying.......................Thanks to all of you.

Dear Jane, your day will come. I know everything your feeling. I hate the fact that it takes so long to get to a good place. After my first journey I lost my job, and after that no one would hire me, and if they did, I couldn't do it. I tried, but I just couldn't. Trying is all you can do. This journey is the worst, and hardest I've ever had to travel. Even after all this time I still don't plan too far ahead. Some days I can't plan from hour to hour, but I think that's ok. I was committed, and that was the worst thing besides the death that happened to me. I do take Prozac faithfully every day. Just a small dose, but I got to say it really helps on those days that I want the world to stop so I can get off. This journey raises hell with the body too. Most doctors don't understand the physical ailments that comes with this kind of grief. I would get committed just for being in pain. Even though the pain was relieved after a simple surgery. I did find a good therapist that taught me skills, and ways of coping instead of dying. I hope you find that too. I see courage in every one here. Jane, you may not know it but you really do have strength, and courage. I see it in your writings. Not a lot of people can admit that they are at the end of the rope, but you did. Reaching out is difficult because those who have not walked in these shoes don't know, and couldn't possibly relate. We here have, and we can relate. Until I came to this site I kept a lot of this hell inside. I couldn't talk to many because of fear of being committed. Then I began to write. I keep journals. Some of which I would never let anyone see because they are so dark, but I'm glad I did because now I can look back, and if I can actually make heads or tails of my writings it reminds me of how far I have come. It's not a matter of pride because to tell the truth I wouldn't have done this if I'd been given a choice. It's a matter of wanting with all of my heart to one day be together again. That's why I work so hard. I don't know what's on the other side, but I also want to do my best to insure I get to go to heaven straight up! I believe God is good, and so far the more I go to him with my pain, and sorrow the more comfort I feel. I figure what the heck I've got nothing to lose! Much Peace, and Love to all of you! 

Dear Anne, I believe you have become our rock. You have suffered more than most who grieve here. Yet, you find it in your heart to care for so many. Your guidance and wisdom is appreciated. I am grateful for your kindness.

I woke up this morning with a very heavy body. A very heavy heart. I cried out "oh no, please no more". And went to the couch. For another day of torture. I have been searching for help, what's wrong with me, what should I do? Psychiatrist? Spiritualist? Meds?

I haven't spoken to anyone in 6 days. I haven't left the house. I used to go hiking 6k almost every day. I did Zumba (for seniors) every day. I walk, I volunteer, I really tried to help myself. But then I felt it all slowly slipping away. And now I'm back to my abyss. I can hardly move, I hold onto walls when I walk, I am in a very weird place.

I have to pull myself together. I volunteer tomorrow. I must be there. I committed myself in memory of Danielle.

Yes, it's hard to admit but even I know I'm not well.

I've decided to take the meds. I need some relief. My body hurts too much. I have fought against taking them but I think it's the right decision for me. For now.

I believe in God, he's just a little distant right now.

Maybe that's what's wrong with me.

I have spoken more here in the last few days, than I have in 19 months.

May God bless all of you.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you Dolly! I just know how hard this is, and I hope I can use what I've learned to help someone else maybe walk this journey with a few lighter steps.

Jane, I saw a psychologist, and she helped me greatly. She helped me learn how to take my pain, and use it productively. Like when I could I would pull weeds in the yard, and throw them as hard as I could into a bucket. Silly things like that. I saved up a bunch of plastic containers, put them in a garbage bag, and beat the heck out of them with a stick. It really helped with my anger. On days when I can't stop crying I count the squares on my kitchen floor. Sometimes twice! It gave my brain and my heart a break if only for a few minutes. It's not a bad thing to take medication. When you have a big trauma like the death of a child sometimes your brain slows down on the uptake of things like melatonin, serotonin, and dopamine. These are hormones that help with emotions, so if you need help it's good to get it. No point suffering any more than you already do. I'm glad your volunteering. It might not feel good at first but it just might feel good later. You never know what will help until you try. As far as the God thing goes, all I know is that He will wait for you to be ready for him. He waited for me! Keep letting the dark out in whatever way is comfortable for you. Much Peace, and Love to all!

Anne, I read that technique with beating an inanimate object before...I believe Elisabeth Kubler-Ross talked about it in one of her books...I have thrown things outside at an old barn wall...and do a lot of screaming when no one is around (I live in the country)....this is also my second child death for those who do not know....the person who ran over my son, Jesse is a total loser...I had faith, and so did Jesse...we even talked about service to God the Thursday before he died...Jesse was not a faker and would never put on an image for others...he was so kind to others...he did not make much money at all but gave away what he had...he once bought an older car , a Saab,  decided to sell it...an older lady called him to ask to look at it...it was in need of some repair but she said some family members that were very familiar with this type of car...when he met up with her she wanted to trade him a very very rough small pickup, it had holes in the floorboards...he found out she  was trying to take her grandaughter who needed lifesaving medical treatment to Mayo Clinic in this vehicle...so he traded her even...he knew he was coming up short but it was okay because of the little girl...

I have read some of the words that you Dolly have written about faith struggles with God, I so identify with them...I cannot wrap my head around this at all...there are some days when I want to jump off a cliff...my husband spends most of his evenings hiding in the bedroom ruined by grief...

I worried for so long about Jesse, I tried so hard...the first baby died because I missed the symptoms of SIDS, did not even know it existed...I was at a bible study when he died in the next room...

Now fast forward to 2012...Jesse was having asthma symptoms so I encourage him to go to the doctor, even found him the doctor...the Saturday before the accident I remind him to go to the doctor...on Wednesday morning the day of the doctors appointment, so idiot girl, not even supposed to be on the road because she is uninsured, runs him over in his own lane...

The cops initially tried to blame my son until I hired a private reconstructionist prove she was at fault...Jesse could not have passed more than 6 cars that day it was a rural route...and Ms. Idiot has to be there, just like a lone bullet...

Dear L R

I am so sorry........

I wish I knew what to say to you.

I wish we weren't in this club.

I wish we didn't have to live like this.

I wish all of you only my best thoughts.

I don't have the words, but I have the thoughts.......

Dear LR, Your son Jesse is an angel. What a wonderful act of kindness. He must be pretty special. I say must be cause I'm sure he still is. After our 2nd son was killed my husband too went into a deep depression that lasted 4 years. He couldn't get his farm work done, he couldn't think straight. My heart broke for him. We talked about him getting  a job in town for a while to help him reorganize his mind, and it really helped. He's back to farming, and still working in town. It's certainly a time thing when it comes to grief. I remember after the 2nd accident when Ben died they tried to blame my daughter who was driving, but it didn't stick because he had a stop sign. They said she was speeding. He should've stopped. I'm sad they did that to you. I'm glad you got it straightened out. Peace to you!