I was going to keep this to myself but now I'm sharing.

I love to garden and when I have challenges in my garden I like to find things in nature to use.  The rain water was coming off the corner of the house making a hole in the soil, so I decided to fill it in with rocks.

As I was walking up and down a shore line along the river I started looking for rocks to use.  As I was doing this I kept finding rocks in the shape of a heart.  I know Michael was leaving them for me. 

Teresa, what a beautiful gathering of gifts that Michael left you...signs of his eternal love that will be a constant reminder in your garden. I love those "little" signs from our kids.

Love u all... <3

thank you dolly, I know the firefly was from my shawn, and I know he will always be close to me. I love him so much, hes my life and I know I am his,   thank you again    kim

Today as I was driving home from a gardening job a song came on the radio by a male singer whose last name is Fulbright. It was a beautiful song on the show Fresh air on NPR. Kyra loved finding new music for all of us and my mind went immediately to her. I couldn't stop crying all the way home but I felt like she was listening to it with me.  The shells are beautiful Teresa. Dolly, I think Brandon was coming for a visit on his Dad's birthday. Much love to all on this site. Kim it is wonderful that a firefly came to you while watching the stars.

I've been thinking a lot about my boys today. Well every day actually, but today it occurred to me. If the tables were turned, and I was the one who died, what would I want them to do. The answer is, I'd want them to be happy, and enjoy every moment in my memory. So today I went to see my therapist. I brought my ipod dock, and ipod. I played the Happy song for her, and had her dance with me! She asked me how did I know she needed some laughter today? So I told her, Well I'm either psychic or psycho! Anyway each day I am capable of feeling happy, I will in loving memory of my sons. I know it won't be every day, but when possible I hope I can dance! I feel them with me much more when I'm happy, and that feels so good! May you all find a reason today to dance! Peace, and Love to you!

Adrianne,

I told my son to come on back home now, the joke is over..Talking to myself again...

I talk to Michael everyday and ask him everyday "Where are you?" As if he is going to pop up and say, "Here I am"

I miss his beautiful brown eyes, his smile and so much his voice. I miss smileing to, but theres nothing to smile about anymore. 7 months on the 5 of this week, it feels like yesterday, the pain is still so unbearable, tears still flow, god how I miss him, I still pray everynight to go with him, I need my shawn so bad. so very very lonely .

I keep talking too. I ask him, " where the hell are you and how am i supposed to even try and like it here without you to share my life. I also tell him , c'mon its been too longggg

I believe our children are right here in our hearts! Death cannot separate our hearts from them. In every happy memory, every beautiful song, every special poem, and every wonderful feeling, they are here. It's so easy to remember the bad, sad, and painful, but it's the good, and happy that bring us closer to them. From the smallest joys come the greatest gifts. Yes its hard to come to that place. Yes it is the most painful, and the most difficult feat to accomplish, but when the pain begins to settle, and it will, all of the little things that bring joy, and love will come to all of us.

Yesterday I was looking out my window, and saw two cottontail rabbits playing in the church yard. I watched them for a long time chasing each other, back, and forth. Happily taunting each other to run, and play! To me it felt like I was once again watching my sons carrying on playfully looking after one another. I felt my heart swell with joy, and rapture. A while ago it would've made me cry, hurt, and yearn for them to be physically here with me. Now I realize that as long as I keep my heart open, every where I look they're love, and spirit really is right here in my soul! Feeling bad is easy, and we all have every reason to, but feeing good is hard work, but it is also much more rewarding! Peace, love, and happy bunnies to all!

anne, that was so beautiful, and maybe in time  I will feel that way, I hope so. but the pain im feeling right now is killing me, I wish I could remember the good time , right now I cant, just that last day with my shawn. keeps going over and over in my head. I cant stop crying.

Dear Kim, please be kind to yourself. Your journey is so new, but I do believe one day you will feel it too. Sorry to say that we do have to feel the pain, and the sadness first. I don't know why, we have to suffer so much. It is so difficult to get through each day. I too have cried many, many tears, and I suppose I always will. In time though I have learned that for every tear I have cried I have also had  much joy. You just can't see it until the pain subsides, and it does. My journey has been long, and at times almost impossible to bear, but somehow, someway I am still here. Not without trials and tribulations, and not without suffering. I write and share because I had no one in the beginning to tell me the truth about how this all works. I lived in such darkness that I thought I'd never see the light of day again, nor did I think I wanted too. Then I leaned on the only one who waited for me. The only one that I did my best to push away. God. That's how I know that he doesn't do these things to us. I know because at times I could feel him weep right along side me. There's no easy way to walk in these tight, painful shoes, but it can be done. That's why I share. I share in the hopes that maybe, just maybe I can help someone else have one ounce of peace, and hopefully to share a small bit of light that took me so long to find. Losing my children was terrible enough, but to have to find my way alone in the dark was rough too. Take care, and know that we are all here for you, and you don't have to do this alone.

thank you anne, I just want so bad to be with him, I am in such a very dark place  and feel theres nothing left for me

Found this song...We will be together again

http://youtu.be/wvuBok5Xfis

this morning  the bunny was back, I know shawn sent this to me, he sends him here everyday. we never see bunnies in the city, but since he left me I have been asking him to send one if hes still with me. in his memory garden I have an angel with 2 bunnies at the bottom. I miss him more each day, I know my heart will never heal. my pain gets worse by the min.  god how I need him here.  I love him so much,

LR - thanks for sharing. What a beautiful song. The guy performing it reminded me so much of my son. Tears flowing - I feel like i could have written those words. I just want to together NOW. I am so lonely without my son and miss him more and more each day but do know that he is experiencing amazing things and does want nothing more than for me to try to be happy and enjoy life. When I remember his joyful spirit, I can be if only for a moment.

Love and hugs to all of you here. Kim, I feel your pain and sending you extra love today.

thank you connie, I know so very well what you are feeling everyday. you have such a wonderful heart even though its broken. my tears will never stop flowing,  tomorrow it will be 7 months, dear god its like yesterday. I don't know what its like not to cry anymore. all my love to you to.  and thank you for  being a friend to me.

"I will see you again"

Woke up this morning with a nasty headache. Grabbed an ice pack turned on the tv and Touched by an Angel was on. It was a military episode. I really had no bad feelings till the soldier died. Then came the military funeral. I couldn't breathe. It felt like the world had stopped. My gut wrenching with pain. Then the gun salute. I jumped with every firing. Memories of Bens funeral came flooding back as if it was happening all over again. When they handed the mother the folded flag I couldn't even cry. I just felt paralyzed. I looked up on the shelf in my room at the flag that had draped my son's casket, and my heart sank. I'm ok now. In times past it would take days for me to recover from this sight. Now it only took 30 minutes or so. I'm not surprised it still gets to me. It will probably always get to me. It's one of those things I'll never get over, but I do get through. One step at a time.

so sorry anne, everything I watch anymore  with death I cry, it seems every show has someone with a bad heart then they die.  its so dam hard not to cry. im not sure how you lost your son and how old he was, but I know the pain very well.  take care  love kim

Hello Kim! My son was killed in a car accident. A man driving a big truck with a equipment trailer on the back, ran a stop sign at 70mi per hour and t-boned my daughters car. My daughter was left severly handicapped on the left side of her body, and my son was killed. He fought on the front lines of Iraq for 19 months as a bomb hunter, and was killed one month before his voluntary second deployment. His buddies were being deployed so he thought he should go back, and help them stay alive since he already knew the terrain. My 12 year old son was burned to death in a car accident before this. Ben was 24.

oh dear god  anne, im so very very sorry. you have gone threw hell. my heart is with you always. sometimes I feel im the only one that has lost the love of my life my son, but to hear other stories breaks  my heart more. I feel theres nothing more to live for without my shawn, I cant even think of what you are going through. please anne im hurting like I have never hurt before but  ill be here for you always. I don't feel ill ever get through this but  its nice to know we can talk and we both understand the pain.  take care and thank you for sharing.   love kim

I read and ponder and worry about the pain we will carry and the permanence  of death and feel it so ridiculous that I know there has to be something better...... love to all here , I read everyday and I want to soothe and cpomfort everyone but some days I just read and go silent, but you all are in my heart and prayers.

I, too, read and often remain silent. Just don't know what to say or even what to feel. It seems so unreal. I wonder if it ever will...

today I went early to see my son, its raining, dam and cool out. hurts so bad everyday. cant sleep and im always tired. I miss him so bad, the emptyness  is so painful.i want so bad to feel him with me. how do we go on, I just don't understand anymore. I love him more then life and I need him so very badly.

I think we run out of words out of being emotionally exhausted.  I'm still not sure who the new me is but I know the old me is gone. The pain is not easing I think I'm just learning how to manage it better.  It's been 21 months yet some ask why am I still crying daily.  Well I had my Michael for 29 years.  He was a part of me and now a piece of my heart is gone.  I miss the most annoying things he did, I miss his bear hugs, our conversations, his humor, his smile. 

One night he was stuck working late.  He was at an intersection laying pipe when he called me and asked me to order him food to be delivered to him.  Trying to get somewhere to deliver to an intersection took some work.  They thought it was a prank.  I had to call a shop up the block so they could look out the door and see him.  Then after I finally got them to agree to deliver it he gives me an order for all 5 of the guys he was working with.  Typical Michael rope me in.  Yet I always allowed myself to fall for it.  Now I'd give anything in this world to be on the phone trying to take care of him while he's working late in the street. 

Michael I love you more than words could ever say............

My father passed away in August 2008 from Cancer.  I think of him every day and miss him a lot.  HAPPY FATHERS DAY DAD!

I hope all the dads find peace.

In my last call with Michael on of the things he spoke about was being financially ready to take on a family.  He told me he wanted 3-4 kids.  As he told me this I imagined him with 2 little boys sitting next to him while throwing a third into the air and of course they all looked like him.  Michael will never get to experience being a dad and I will never get to see that image for real.  MOMMY LOVES YOU MIKE!!!!!

Teresa d - that is exactly how my husband and I feel. We grieve the loss of our son's life experiences but the most of all - that he never got to be a dad too. Today is super hard. I have been silent lately because I just don't have the words, feeling very sad an beaten down. But I hold you all in my heart.  As I am reading all all your posts, tears flowing, I am praying for strength for us all to get through another day, another "holiday" with our hearts open to the love we share with our children forever.

Thanks Dolly for sharing your experience...I believe there is more to this world than our five senses can tell us....

Went to the Unitarian church this morning with a lady I met in one of the neighbor's homes.. it was a beautiful and loving peaceful program. At the end there was candle lighting and I lit one for Shreyas , my darling who is with me in every beat of my heart.. yes I yearn to just chat and laugh and crack silly jokes and watch him make faces about how silly I am. If I think of what is not there anymore ,like him having his own sweetheart and later kids it really does break my heart so I think instead that our destinies are different. We are called on to experience the Presence through the door of a broken heart and since the Lord gives and takes away I will trust that spiritual growth for us will be a quick spiraling to our real home. Till then I will do whatever I can to ease others suffering and serve , help all who come my way. Micks would love that. In the church they were looking for a secretary for admin work so I have said I am interested. Maybe this way I will be able to work and help. The process of paperwork is getting done and in a few months am planning to go to India with my husband and be there for about 5 weeks.

There certainly is more than what our senses tell us. Dolly what a lovely experience you had!
Teresa, Connie, LR,  Kim, Mary , Michelle, Bern,and also all those who have had the huge monumental loss , it feels so sad every time I see a new 'member' but we are there for you to speak your heart out. That gives so much relief and the understanding that I was shown helped me so so much to somehow just live. Its so hard to believe that its 2 and a half years that I have not seen my son yet if I really dig deep into my feelings I must say that at the same time I have also never felt more connected to him..strange..

From Merry,  "That's pretty much the way that I am living, one more day suffered, one less that I have to live. I still feel like I'm marking time like someone in prison would mark time until release."

That is almost word for word what my husband and I said yesterday...I struggle every day against this new reality...certain days which brought so much joy now just accentuate the pain and missing...

I Love You Jesse...

I am also having a rough time today.  The last and the hardest first times are coming up. Kyra's birthday is July 8th she would have been 27 this year. The first anniversary of her passing is August 17 th. This has been the longest and hardest year I have ever had. I miss her so much.  Peace and kindness to everyone on this site.  

dear lynn, im so very sorry , I just lost my beautiful son, my heart is so dead  the pain unbearable, I know what you are going through. I go see him everyday, and I do nothing but cry all day and night just to let you know im here if you want to talk , take care   kim

Kim I wish I could ease your pain but you have to grieve.  All I can tell you is while the pain is still very deep in my heart it is getting a little bit easier to manage.  I still cry everyday but I don't spend as many hours doing it.  I can "sometimes" share memories with a smile rather than always with a tear.

Cry Kim........I think it helps the heart.

Michael hadn't taken a vacation with me since he was a teenager, but 3 months before he passed he went to London with me.  All the way home he kept asking me to go to Miami with him next.  In two weeks I am taking a much needed trip and it turns out I have to transfer to another plane and guess where the cross over is?  MIAMI!  Is that not a sign?  I'm going to go outside of the airport, most likely cry and then say, "We're in Miami Mike."

thank you Teresa, you are the first to tell me to cry. I cant remember smileing for a very long time. I don't think I ever will again.i miss shawn so bad its like a terrible dream I just wake up from. I hear the phone ring I think its him, I hear the door I think its him. yes I do think its a sign you are stopping in Miami, I know he will be there with you. our babies  never really leave us. I just want to feel him to dream of him just to know hes still with me. I want so bad to be with him,  my world is over for me,   im so empty,  I hope   you have a safe trip and  feel closer to your son.  take care  love kim

Teresa, I understand the sadness of knowing Michael will never be a dad. Chris wanted kids so badly, but with his wife's many medical issues, they weren't able to. I sometimes wonder if that, among a lot of other disappointments, wasn't partly responsible for his death.

I asked this before, but didn't get a response. Just curious...is anyone going to The Compassionate Friends conference in July?

I'm not going Michelle.  I'm taking a much needed vacation in July.

Life is crazy.  My mom 1 of 3 had 6 kids while my dad was 1 of 17 kids.  Yet me who only has 2, has one gone with no kids and one with medical issues. If god had to take one I hope he finds the way to give one.

Two things today......One first there is the plane stopping in Miami.  Michael made me a bank out of a block of glass. It was full and very heavy so I had to empty it.  I took the change to the bank and the total was $283. Michael was born February 1983. I don't know if I see these signs because I want to or if they are truly signs from Michael.  But you know what I don't care which it is as long as they keep coming.

Second today I had to fill out 401K papers. I always put my son and daughter as the beneficiaries.  Not writing Michael's name on there made me pause and I had to fight the tears because it was a reality moment for me.  Right at that moment my phone received a text, it was Vasanthi asking me how I was doing.  Just what I needed when I needed it. It helped me keep myself in control and not break down in a conference room full of co-workers.  THANK YOU VASANTHI - you were right on time today. 

Teresa, I have to believe that things like you mentioned are, indeed, signs from our children. I've had a number of things like that and they do help me cope. I pray that each of us gets frequent signs from our children to help us understand that they are really at peace and that they still love us.

Teresa, I think everyday about being in touch but that day I just felt I had to reach out to you.Micheal must have known you will need him xoxo.. Would be nice if all of us could send each other our numbers in a private message so that we can all text each other too on and off. How does that sound?