Hi Dolly

It was an expression.

Just watching all others in this life carry on, except for me.

Jane you are not alone, you can isolate yourself all you want but your never alone.  We are all with you all the time.  Life has changed for us all.  Nothing is the same and were not the same, that is one of our realities.  And your right it feels like the world is moving on while we are stuck in the same place and time is not moving for us.

As Dolly has said in the past it is like carrying around a ton of concrete on your back. 

I'm very lucky my family is so big and supportive, they are not allowing me to isolate myself.  I didn't participate in Christmas until the day after at the tournament.  After I came home and read everyone's posts I started to think am I torturing myself more by stepping out of things?  I still don't know the answer but next year I'm going to try another approach and if it doesn't work then the following year I'll try something else.

I just can't stay where I am.  I have to find a new way for me, for my daughter and for Michael.  I need to figure out how to live again.  I don't want to be stuck in this misery.

You also right Jane NO ONE but those who wear our shoes have a clue to what we are experiencing.  We may even lose friends along the road, but that's ok because right now my goal is for me to be ok not them.  I'm slowly learning to be selfish. 

So your right Jane we are ALL different now!  Look I don't have any answers but what I do have is the determination to live through this. 

Please Jane do not take todays strength and think I don't hit bottom on some days too because I do.  Funny how dates control our moods.  But even on those days I tell myself it's ok you'll try again tomorrow.  It has been almost 16 months for me and I'm still crying everyday, but I tell myself it's ok. Maybe we need to cry a river or in my case an ocean of tears.

Jane never feel alone because we get it and we are all here for you! 

I can't wait for the holidays to be over.  Every year no matter where Michael was my phone rang at the stroke of midnight. Last year at the stroke of midnight I stared at my phone waiting for it to ring then I broke down obviously because my phone didn't ring and I know it's not going to ring this year either. Even the small things hurt. 

Every time I hear or read the statement, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, ” I want to say that from my perspective, this could not be further from the truth. The truth is that if we can keep it from breaking us down completely, we are not left stronger; we are left changed; different.

I know this grief won’t end.  It will only change and lessen.  We
will not get over it, but we will learn to live beside it.  

We will hold our memories in our hearts and rely on the promise that the thoughts that now make us mourn will one day be overshadowed by the memories that make us smile. ~At least it's a nice thought.~

Thinking of you all.  Hang on.

I hope the New Year can bring us some sort of peace.  I will be thinking of each and everyone one of you today. 

Just came back from New Mexico and it was comforting to be with my step-son and his family.  My daughter also flew in from Montana to be with us.  Its been 4 months since my daughter Kyra past and it felt so good to bte with others who loved her too.  We spent time crying and laughing together.   They all kept me propped up.  Its cold and grey in Vermont wish I was back in the southwest where the sun shines.  My daughter Genna is moving back to Vermont with her boyfriend next October to farm on our property.  I am so happy she would do this for her father and me.  Today brings the close to a horrible year for me,  Nothing will ever be the same again but we have to keep going for our other living family.

Love and hugs to all

Lynn 

Judy my heart and prayers go out to you.  This first year is filled with unbelievable pain. I hope you can see some lightness in the coming months.  We all know how hard this journey through grief is.

Once again after today we will ring in a new year. I used to make new year wishes. Then Lil Del died. for awhile I would wish for it not to be true. Then I would wish for the hurt, confusion, and deep anger to subside. Then my Ben died. Something changed in me once again. This time it was different. I worked so hard to protect my husband, and daughter's, and myself for so long that I learned how to be closer to God, and why I need him in my life. New Years was always fun at our house. Good food, board games, and music! Just being together made the new year worth celebrating no matter how little we had.  Now I pray. I pray for Peace, Love, and Understanding for all. I pray for strength, courage, and wisdom for every parent who has no choice but to take this journey. I want my children back. Since I know that can't happen, I will do whatever I have to do to get to be with them once more in Heaven. If that means fighting my way through the crap, or enduring the pain I carry with me everyday, then so be it. I'm going to blog now because I have so much to get out. There is no new year for us. We have to celebrate new years every day we get out of bed, and every second of peace our hearts are blessed with. Here's to Peace Hope, and Understanding to all in the coming New Every Day.

For all of us.

Breathe Peace.

Teresa, thank you......you touched me. I needed that.

Dick, Thank You.

So Beautiful.......made me smile

So touching..............

A new year is just another year without my child.

Another year of unbearable pain.

My first year I lived in a very dark place.

When I woke up today and realized what I was truly facing, I crashed.

How is everyone today?

My silent whisper to each and everyone of you.

"You're not alone."

To Jane P - (Isaiah 41:10) Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not gaze about, for I am your God. I will fortify you. I will really help you. I will really keep fast hold of you with my right hand of righteousness.’

 Your comment reminded me of this scripture and it really helps to remember that God lost your child this year too. Actually he has lost many children during this year. Your son was "the works of his hands" and he looks forward to when he, through his Kingdom Government headed by his son Jesus Christ will rid the earth of death as he brings back to life ALL those in the memorial tombs. John 5:28,29

Brenda

Numbers play tricks on us.  At least on me they do.  I was kind of looking forward to this new year and suddenly last night I realized it's 2014.  14 use to be my favorite number and in a sense it still is, but it's also the my son's b'day and his d'day.  I'm now afraid that this year year is going to be a constant reminder instead of the hope I had for more acceptance and peace.

I'm probably not making much sense and some days I know I'm just a little out of it with my thoughts.

BUT THIS IS MY PRAYER FOR ALL OF YOU:  

May 2014 bring more health than sickness,

more laughter than tears,

and more forgiveness than anger.

May you have PEACE in your life,

JOY in your home,

HOPE in your heart,

WISDOM in your actions,

and LOVE always.

Have a meaningful, Godly New Year.

I couldn't wait to get home to share this with everyone. 

 Even though I knew Michael would not be calling me at midnight I still had to have the phone in my hand just in case.  Silly right! 

Well midnight came and the phone didn't ring so while everyone was cheering in the new year my fiancé was holding me tight and letting me cry.  While I was crying I put the phone in my pocket.  After he let me go I just had to look at the phone one more time.

When I looked there were 4 miss calls.  I didn't look to see who they were from.  I figured the calls were either friends or family calling me knowing I was missing Michael's call so I'll call them back in the morning. 

This morning I looked at my call list to see who I needed to call back and there were no missed calls in my call list. 

I know I saw those missed calls.  I know they were there last night. 

I'm freaked out over it!  Of course I want to believe it was Michael, but my sane mind says there no phone in heaven.   

Dick, thanks for sharing the video.

Amy, Jane P, Dolly, Dick, Teresa, Thank you all for your words of kindness.. I wish everyone here peace and love in this year. Teresa, that is so astounding.. its Micheal..:)

Dolly, me too.. have reached the end of my tether... wish I could just feel my son's loving presence around.. and a small pic to make you all smile a wee bit.. Tiger ( Our cat) and Sparkles the Guinea pig who was with us for a few days.

Don't know why but am unable to attach the pic.. will try again later

me too--dysfunctional,, cant even sleep , just get heavy headed-- this is shit

Yesterday my daughter came back up to our village. She has so many friends there. She owns a hair salon in my boutique and after many months of panic attacks and anxiety she left to go to Orange County where her children live. I know seeing me in pain every day was hard on her and she did almost everything there was to do when her brother passed. My husband and I went to dinner and after we went next door to hear some music with my daughter and friends. I did smile. I laughed. But my heart was hurting and this morning. I woke with guilt for going. I know my beautiful son wants me to try. He loved me so much. I hate these mixed feelings and I just want him back.

We are falling apart.

Together.......

xxoo

Don't look ahead.

Just live one day at a time.

Be as good and kind as you can be to others.

We are all so worn out.

We must pick ourselves up and start again........

Sending everyone love and prayers. This does seem to a particularly had time for us all. I can barely get on the computer, but think of you all and will try to read or do something to help lift my spirit. I seem to be digging myself deeper into that dark place again. This damn broken arm has really thrown me for a loop. Wish I could stop feeling guilty about not doing things in a way that would have saved my boy. I just want him back also. And you're right Vasanthi this is shit - how we have to feel, what we have lost. It is just so hard to face a whole nother year without our children. You seem to get through it as we work up to these landmark dates, then once we have survived that, how are we supposed to survive the day after? My son's memory seems stronger and the loss just like it happened yesterday. I have to keep seeking the light ...just so much pain to slog through

You are all grieving. You are not falling apart, it just feels that way. The holidays have come, and gone. You are all still here. It may not have been pleasant, and I know it was terribly painful, but you are still here. That's what matters. Every milestone you pass through is one more step you had the strength, and courage to take. Might not seem like much too some, but it really is a big deal to me. Through the dark comes the light, and I believe in that light. I believe that the pain of losing a child does not over shadow the love that was shared. I think the pain is so bad because the Love was so great. You should all look in the mirror, and give yourselves a big smile. You deserve it for getting through the toughest season of the year without your children. It wasn't easy, but it never will be. It might not of been much fun, but you survived, and are still breathing. To me that's what matters most at this point. I'm sure our children are proud of every one of us for just surviving this past holiday season. This whole thing is never going to be easy, but it will one day become different and the pain will subside to a tolerable level. Hang in there everyone. Try not to think about next year. Try to just think about today. Peace, and love to all. 

Thank you Anne.

How are you doing?

You have a good heart.

Amen Anne!

As Valentine Day approaches, which is also Michael's birthday, I'm going to know no matter how bad it gets I can do it.  I survived last year and I will survive this year.  Painfully .....but I will survive.  Right?

Anne, your words speak the truth.  Thanks for the encouragement.  You are a blessing and I hope you are blessed by helping.

Reminds me of a quote by Abraham Lincoln:  "To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own."

Not meaning that we forget completely but while we are comforting/helping another.  

Teresa, you are so right.  You will survive.  Try not to look ahead though.  Stay in the day.  Hugs

I need a pick me up.  Spent the day in bed yesterday.  Felt physically ill, even though I know I'm not sick. Just crawled out of bed today and all I really want to do is climb back in it.  I'm pushing myself to get up.  Maybe I'm just exhaling. 

I had two major depressions and went on an anti-depressant after the last one 20 years ago. I have stayed on the lowest dose since than, I never want to have another episode.  With grief you do feel sad and depressed but your moods change and it isn't constantly feeling in despair and wanting to die.  I had no hope and felt nothing when I was really depressed.  Merry you are being bombarded with holidays and the anniversary of your son's death.  It is so natural to feel great sadness during these periods.  Just do what you need to cry, scream, or hibernate.  As long as your emotions move in and out go with it.  Some days can be unbearable and other days give us some hours of peace and hopefulness. Thinking of everyone today on this winter's day.   

I think most people battle depression off and on through life. I know I've had my share, but nothing like the deaths of my children. There has been nothing in my life that could've prepared me for that. Losing my first son was the worst, but just as bad was the way others handled it, and what they put me, and my family through. I'm still here. Then it happened again, but this time it was different. This time I vowed nobody else would be allowed to intervene with my family unless it was God! It was just as painful. It was just as hard to believe, actually harder because I was shocked it could happen again. I am still here. The difference between the two is that with my first child I didn't get any choices as far as how I would handle it. I didn't get to rely on myself so I survived because I had too. The second time around I took charge. I gave myself the right to choose how I will handle this second tragedy, and I gave myself permission to grieve the way a mother should have the choice too. Some days I handle things very well, and some days I don't, but in the end it's my choice. I live because I choose too. I live because I know that this is what God wants for me. Yes it can be a living hell. No doubt about it, but hope, and love do come back. Not the way it was, but in a different way. A way in which I have been surprised by some of the joy that I am finally able to feel again. I am but a broken vessel. I am cracked in places, but I can still hold my own. Not because I have to but because I want to. I'm doing it my way, one day at a time. In the beginning I would throw myself down on my bed, scream, and cry for days. I still throw myself on the bed every once in a while, but now it's only for a few moments, and then I sit up, and giggle at how much better that little act of rebellion made me feel. My wish is that all parents like me can one day throw a little fit for a few moments and feel good enough to get up and live one more day. Peace, and Love to all.

Anne

You leave me speechless.........

You are to be admired.

Ditto!

Thanks for sharing that Anne, I needed that.

Anne,

You are really awesome.. I admire your strength and you are an inspiration.

Dolly

You made me chuckle!

When your child dies, depression and grief go hand in hand. Yes Dolly we do do both. It's normal, but there is a difference between the two. It just takes awhile to figure out which is which. The two go together the most in the first few years of grief. After that you begin to learn the difference. It's hard to have to fight everyday just to be a little productive. No it's not fair for any of us, but it is our reality. I had to make a decision to either  allow myself the time and patience to learn from what's happened to me, and get to know my soul, and spirit, or let the grief take me down. Which I might add going down serves no purpose for anyone. The horrendous pain from the death of my child is a pain that I have not been able to compare with anything else. I know I will never understand it until I too meet my maker. Which I am counting on one day. But for me I will survive for now.

I never had depression issues.  But I'm pretty sure I'm depressed now.  My energy is low, I feel tired and drained a lot. I have days I can't stop crying, days I just shut down. My drive and passion is gone or at least feels like it is gone.  I use to be so sure of myself and now I don't know what to do.

I have no desire to live.

My feelings are gone.

I am waiting to go.

I try my best each day to do something kind for others.

But my heart is just not into living again.

Dolly, just saw the 'depressed with depression' hahaha..really funny..feel so alienated from everything..life when my son was there was good and normal, some lows in between with work frustration or just the mundane things which get done everyday but I was a happy person, passionate about my work and my life...now its just the reverse.. I can never reach out and get those funny pearls of wisdom from Shreyas, he will never ever look at me with concern when I am low and reach out lovingly expressing his care for me; now I know that it is just me, my problems are my own, for me to sort out and deal with. No one else understands and many times I feel others who suffer losses can only think about it, give reality to their losses and minimize the loss of a child ... unfortunately only those who have lost a child know what a crippling blow this is..immense in its magnitude and horrifying in its implications..I have a splitting headache, my 51st birthday is 6 days away and my son wont be there to kid me about how OLD I am...or insist that I must enjoy the day with close friends..My last birthday when I was 47 we both were in my Mumbai home as he was with the Mumbai branch office for a while. He died 21 days before my 48th birthday...I can see the years endlessly stretching out with me trying my best to live and messing it all up because he was not the love of my life but was my life itself..maybe that's why I don't breathe right any more..its always constricted... Thanks to all here who understand...I am hopelessly crippled emotionally, I couldn't care if the whole world dies , and will be thrilled to go first.

I am sorry you are feeling so low Jane. When I feel like that sometimes I try to remember those beautiful things in life I wanted to show and teach my son and how wonderful it was. Maybe try to think of something good or beautiful good in this life and stay, even so briefly, in that moment. Just the fact that you try to do something for others shows that your heart is still open to love. That is the right track. Service to others may be the ONLY thing that can help take away the despair sometimes. I am sending healing prayers to you.

Dolly these pics are beautiful. The colors and the snow - really illustrates the perpetual nature of life and spirit. God does not hate you. God does not hate. It I know that sometimes it can feel that way or like I am being punished. You have to try to remember the joy Brandon brought you in this life and try to spread that joy when you get the chance. Even in the littlest way. Sorry it is so darn cold. Wish you could all visit me in sunny Southern CA this week. It's embarrassing how perfect the weather is right now. Oh well I paid my dues in Chicago for years! Love and peace to everyone here.