Vasanthi..I tried to call today but I must have the wrong number... it rang once, then rang again with a different sound, then stopped wringing at all ... I tried a second time and it did pretty much the same thing... I guess its the wrong number or something...then someone called me back but when I answered it just kept clicking and nobody spoke... sigh.... oh well... hope you are holding on...

Vasanthi, I'm so sorry for the very rough time you're going through. I hope that you and Craig are able to patch things up quickly. The anniversary and the holidays are a double whammy for you; you need his compassion and understanding. Sounds like he's hurt and doesn't know how to give you what you need right now. I pray for a softening of his heart.

I know we all hurt to the core.  I'm hurt to the core.  I'm not and will never be the person everyone knew.  But it saddens my heart to see a few of you talk about your own death.  I fight everyday to find a way to deal with this.  Do I think I'm doing a great job of it?  NO I do not.  But I think of the people who have been supportive and I think of my daughter and what that would do to her.  Please if you are hitting bottom that hard please reach out and call me or someone else who can help you pass that hump.  267-968-4247 I'd rather cry with you than for you.

Michelle,

Thank you for everything. Craig was hurting as he perceived me shutting him out and alongside tearing everything to shreds.. When he came home the other day he said that he thought that if I feel better doing this then its ok and then he said 3 of the sweetest words.... u want to push me away and go? well.." I Won't Go".. it made me ache with sorrow and relief. We do have some unresolved issues where I will maintain a silence about it b/n us  ( Craig and me)because I need some very concrete steps taken b4 I can allow myself to trust completely.Some things I cannot compromise on and they are minuscule compared to whatever changes I make in my own life. Have I talked about it to him? yes and if I do end up having to live with it, I will but it will take away something which is at the core of me being myself.I'm sorry that I am talking in riddles but cos its so personal I can't talk openly about it.

Teresa. I do find a lot of everything futile but won't give up and die even if I sometimes feel that it will end all pain once and for all.. something about killing oneself feels horribly wrong so since there is a strong moral compass inside I cant go against that.

Dolly.. ur love and concern is the most sweetest ...yesterday was probably the worst day ever..I wanted peace and quiet inside to be dealing with Shreyas's not being there but I was filled with fear. doubt , conflict.. I kept sleeping most of the day.. I had no energy at all and kept flopping back on the couch. Craig did some sweet things like keeping juice near the couch for when I wake up and clearing kitchen stuff and making salad and all..I really felt touched but at the same time was hurting tremendously...I used to think that when we do pass other days the 'day of death' should also be dealt with like that but apparently one's heart doesn't allow it. We got 2 calls and i picked up but just got some sounds and silence.. then I called back but again some shrieking kind of machine sound was heard. I knew it was you as it was a WV number and Craig said looks like Dolly is calling.

I am equally concerned about all of us here knowing full well what it takes to be even functional. How are we ever going to accept something so abnormal? Maybe by realizing that our children are happy and that finally we all are spiritual beings having a human experience, that we are more than our bodies and what we are is grand and beautiful and not limited to just peeping from this body-machine and relating to what we identify with. 

We take online vedanta classes which will go on till 12th of January and since my exposure to it is from childhood it helps enormously..if I am a crack pot now I shudder to think of what I would be without it.

Love to everyone here, you are all such a strong support and given by God to aid each other on this journey..my beautiful, loving angels, I love you all and feel for you all.

Vasanthi, I KNOW how hard that first year mark is. Several of us do.  You made it.  Every day is hard, but certain days are harder, sometimes horrible.  We somehow manage to come out on the other side.

I send you thoughts of comfort and love.

My one thought today has been of how hurt and saddened my son would be to see me at times when I'm at my worst.  It gives me strength to smile when I want to cry.  Not always, but if I can remember to do it for him I feel as if he's with me and I like that feeling.  

One of his best friends and his wife came over last night to visit and to bring gifts for his daughter.  I dreaded the thought of them coming, but did enjoy their visit because it meant that they still think of him even if they don't always talk about him with me.  I think it's that scariness people have.  I was totally exhausted when they left 3+ hours later, but grateful too.

We need to be thankful for these small things even when they cause us pain, and today I am trying to think good thoughts of my son and what he would be doing to help for tonight's family get together.  I know that I will be both physically and mentally exhausted when everyone leaves, but I will keep my son next to me during this time and I will be able to smile.  This is my plan.  I'll let you know how it works out.

I am farther along than several of you as this is our 4th Christmas without him. 

I send you all thoughts of comfort and pray you will find some way to honor your child with a smile from some good memories.

I made ornaments for some of those closest to Brandon... now I'm just wrung out, but I feel good about it at the same time... I want him near me in every little way possible.. and this was one little way I could do that... even though it overwhelmed me at the same time... we miss you SOOOO much sweetie pie Brandon....

Dolly, those are awesome!

Wowww Dolly super

Dolly, I love what you did.  They are really wonderful.  You did a great job.  We do need to keep them close.  

Sometimes, for me, that is the only way I get through this.  I lean on him and he pushes me just the way he pushed himself through all his hard times.

Today was not as good as I hoped.  I was miserable for the first couple of hours after the family got here.  I didn't even sit down at the table when they were all eating, but then I reminded myself that he would be disappointed in me and I felt as though he was telling me that his daughter needed me to be happy.  It helped change my mood and I was okay for the rest of the time.  Just thankful it's over.

Hoping you all are doing okay.

Merry, I admire your strength and your attitude.  You are always in my prayers as everyone here is.

I also put a card on the tree for our son.  I put money in it that would have been spent for his gifts and let his daughter open it.  She knows it's Daddy's card.  I will then put the money in the bank for her.

Lynn, I'm happy that you are with family and being away is probably helpful with it being such a short time.  Our first Christmas was at 5 months and I have no idea what happened that year.  I don't remember it at all and I can't find any pictures of it.  I'm sure the girls came here.  Maybe they took some pics, but I guess I didn't.  

That is one of the things I dislike the most about my grief.  It's like I have partial amnesia about certain times.  Has anyone else found this happening to them?

I know I have certainly regressed the last couple of months.  I guess I do every year around this time, but I really don't remember.  I do know that I was doing much better for awhile though.  I'm anxiously waiting to see if I can get back to that place again after the holidays.

I would like nothing more than to wish you all a Merry Christmas, but I know it's not the same, so I'll just wish you blessings for moments of peace.

We went out to see the lights last night and a few of the houses were awesome.. but I forgot my camera.. of course.. so I will try to get back out before everyone takes them down...

we were about the last customers at Wendy's, as they were closing at 7PM, AND were out of Bo's favorite chili cheese baked potatoes, but he was happy with the chilly cheese fries... so even tho almost nobody was about, we had our little Christmas eve time together as a family....

this morning Bo enjoyed the silly noise making toys and the vibrating stuff.. the neck wrap, the tootbrush and the electric razor... seems he enjoys the tactile stuff and the silly stuff most of all... he got some cool Red Sox hats... two winter, one baseball cap, a few decorations for his room including a stick-on the wall Spiderman and a Red Sox lover's Man Cave sign...

the big surprise we will show him after dinner and his shower... a new hot tub... he will LOVE it and it's so good for him in so many ways.. we debated about it because we really couldn't 'afford' it, but decided we don't even know how many Christmases any of us have left so we didn't want to wait... and my oldest son and his wife are paying for a big chunk of it as our Christmas gift, so its really a family gift we will all enjoy ....

not having Brandon here was impossibly hard... but he WAS here in so many ways... people who love him gave us pictures of him, and one gave us a candle for him... other neighbors gave us all sorts of nice things... food, a snuggly throw, lotion, an inspirational book, music CD, a cute Goofy toy for Bo, fruit, and just awesome cheesecake with fruit on top... so much...so I guess our family has grown to include the neighbors...sort of makes me think of the 'old days' when neighbors reached out to each other... small towns like this it seems there's still some of that going on...

one of the gifts I got was a picture for 'mother' and said the sweetest thing ... one of Brandon's caregivers gave it to me along with two other wonderful pictures... what a sweet thing to do... she said she strongly felt Brandon urging her to give me the picture which broke my heart, and had me bawling, but really touched me deeply and made me feel him close

the other caregiver also gave us really sweet thoughtful gifts, and their mother/mom-in-law and husband even gave us a sweet card and a pretty ornament... we didn't expect ANY of that... this worker also gave us a bunch of neat stuff like a flex light, and little flash lights.. these things come in SO handy in the power outages we've all come to know so well...

my sister sent a really delicious candle...I was touched that she remembered us.. my sisters and I haven't exchanged gifts for years... sad to say.... not sure when or why it ended...

so we have managed to get through it all today.. so far ... with lots of love hugging us in.... and lots of tears... but with lots of thankfulness for those who made it better... may God bless them all !!! every one!!!

No decorations, no music, stayed out of the stores, no tree, & not going visiting.  The hockey tournament is tomorrow. Don't know how I'm going to handle it emotionally. The response was greater then what we expected and we had to turn teams away. I'm hoping this can be a small turning point for me.

Michael would laugh at me for writing "From: Santa Claus" yet friends of his contacted me to tell me he would buy their kids gifts and then tell them look what Santa left on the steps. Their kids also wanted to play in the tournament for Michael.  My heart is saddened but warmed at the same time.

I loved reading what some of you did for Christmas.  Next year I'm going to try and have Christmas for Michael.  I love the idea of adding the ornament every year and the card.

Dolly love the ornaments what a smile!

You know what? I'm sad but I'm okay. I'm okay. 

I hope all of you can have a moment of peace today. 

Again, thank you to all of you for being there.

Im so glad this day has ended. I wanted to go to my sons grave , but couldn't  because of the rain . Its been raining hard here since yesterday .

I spent the day with my youngest son and his fiance , the first time in 8 years that I have not been alone in Christmas time . My mind kept on going to my son G , and the last Christmas I saw him . There were quite a lot of people around the lunch table , and I found myself cutting myself off from the conversation .

I told my son that I want to donate my Christmas Tree to charity , seeing as I dont see the use of putting it up . Its only me living in my home , and I dont see the use of it anymore ..... but then again , memories haunt me.

To all , be strong . God is with us , each and every one of us . I pray for strength every day , comfort , and guidance .

I need sleep. God Bless all

My heart is with you all.  Today is the tournament. My stomach is a mess.  Today is my Christmas. 

Our hearts are with you today Teresa.

All day.

What a great honour for your child.

Be proud.

Dawn

Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does.

I know that must have really hurt you. I'm sorry.

Merry

Good for you!

And how are you feeling today?

Dolly

Love the ornaments.

That smile just pops!!

Lynn, Mikad, Adrianne, Ammy, Linda, Karen, Vasanthi, Michelle, Debi, Dick, Dolly, Merry, Dawn and all others.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

I gain some sort of understanding each time I read.

I just wanted you all to know that I am grateful to you.

You are all very kind..............

xxoo

I am much relieved Christmas is finished.

We did not celebrate at all this year.

I have not gone out in public the whole month of December.

I just needed to be alone without all the reminders.

For me, it was the only way I could survive.

I'm not accustomed to putting myself first, but now I find I must.

I thought I was doing well, I started volunteering, I went to lunch with friends.

But I'm not, I have gone backwards.

I am just beginning my second year, I've been reading that the second year is very rough also. My first year was spent in the "abyss". A very dark and heavy place. I dread what my second year is going to give me.

Merry, thanks for the info on books.

Are there other sites that any of you can recommend?

Books?

Blogs?

Thank you

Thinking of you all and praying for peace. Connie, am so sorry about your arm being hurt.. must have been so depressing. Dawn-O, how lonely you must have felt, you are all in my thoughts always. 2 years and its rough.

Good luck with your tournament teresa

You guys are great!  Thank you for the support!

Today was overwhelming but AWESOME!

Then to come home and see how supportive you all have been is just heart warming.  Everyone is so appreciated! 

Today was heartbreaking but great at the same time. This is going to be my new Christmas. My ex-husband and I surprised the winners with gift certificates. What a day!  Michael is smiling down telling me I did the right thing.  Today was for him and the things he loved!

The best part of the day, I was able to hold back the tears. Crying right now but that's ok.

My heart is with each and everyone one of you.  While I'm being selfish right now and focusing on myself. I want you to know I read every single posts and I appreciate every bit of what is shared and the support that I receive here.  I could never say THANK YOU enough to any of you, even those of you who don't think so.

Teresa, I was just closing my email when I saw you posted.  This is so great.  I'm so happy for you. I'm glad you had the strength to follow through even though I know it must have been very difficult.  

God bless you.  

Teresa, what a wonderful tribute to your son! You must be very proud of what you accomplished--at least you should be. It was a great photo of the kids playing, having a wonderful time.

I had a meltdown Christmas Eve after 6 o'clock mass. I sat behind a young adult man who, from the back and profile, reminded me of Chris. He was about the same height and had a reddish beard and was a big guy as Chris was at various times in his life. I kept it together during mass, but as soon as I got in the car, I broke down and sobbed. I guess I really needed to, as I know I've kept things bottled up.

I'm glad Christmas is over and I'm equally glad we all made it through, one way or another. Blessings to each of you and hopes for a New Year with more peace and comfort.

Judy, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.  I do pray that things ease up for you shortly.  We definitely need those little breaks to carry us through and through and through it all again.

Hugs to everyone.

Judy, I'm sorry to hear about all the sadnesses in your family. How do you feel about contacting your mom?

Teresa so nice that you could feel Micheal's presence through it all.. Michelle, I have felt the same many times when a certain person, the way they carry themselves or a smile brings back memories.. I once was walking in a busy marketplace in Mumbai and suddenly a tall young man was keeping step with me. For a second I fell back to the times I used to scurry to keep pace with my long legged son.. then I shook myself out of that , looked up at the tall boy walking next to me and smiled and let him go on..an aching heart all the way back and tears for something that will now never be .. how painful and poignant are these experiences.. hugsss ..I still feel better knowing that we are all in this together.. Judy what a rough time you are having..maybe it would be a nice thing to contact your mother while keeping in mind that you are doing so not for changes from her but so that you know you reached out and grew in stature by doing so.. all my prayers for you..

Connie.. how are you doing? do let us know.

Havent heard from Jane too or Bern..

Dolly is BO ok and how are you? Is the ringing in your ears better? Here we have a new visitor.. a guinea pig who is with us while his owners have gone for a holiday..Love watching Craig with Sparkles the Guinea pig and Tiger our cat.. he is so gentle and loving and the animals seem to understand this and kind of relax with him..Everyone please take care and again thanks for all the love .xoxoxox

love to everyone

Judy I would encourage you to visit your mother, if for anything your self.

Judy it doesn't matter how you lost your son, it's still the greatest loss a parent can experience. Your pain is no less then any one else.

Michelle, sometimes I do the same thing.  I make it through and then melt down when it's over and I'm alone.  I did it yesterday.  All the way to the tournament I wanted to melt but I didn't.  I made it through the day with a smile but at the end of the day on my way home and once I was home, I cried.  I guess it is a release.  And the beginning steps to managing the pain.

Vasanthi & Michelle, I'm guilty of that too.

It's ok, Dolly.

And you don't ever have to pretend.

I'm not ok either.

If people understood us, they would have to be us.

We have the experience, they do not.

You have to loose a child first.

And none of us would ever want that.

I am also watching "life goes on".

I am starting to feel like I'm the only one (outside of this group) who still feels the pain as if it were Day One.

As time moves on, so do people.

Only a mother or father continues to live with this pain.

Our life as we once knew it has been pulled from us.

Everything we once knew is now gone.

We are different now.

As is our new life.................

As I've said before, I have chosen solitude for myself.

It's what is best for me.

We are suffering the ultimate pain in life.

Think about what is best for you.