Dolly, got both the pics .. attached them below.. i was poring over the pics and had enlarged these to see whats on his shirt...

I feel like I am wishing my life away.  Every morning feels like a pit, knowing she is no longer here, where I can see her.  The afternoons get a little better.  Its been three months now and it feels like forever.  How did you all make it to a year going through this pain.  I have a therapy appointment in an hour and I know talking will help.  I wish my other daughter wasn't so far away.  Some days, I feel so lonely.  Beautiful pictures, Vasanthi and Dolly.     

Dear Anne

I am in my eleventh month of grief. Your share has deeply moved me. I thank you for writing it. You give me hope that someday I might live again.

I am truly sorry for all that you have been through.

I also wish my life away.

There's no happiness anymore.

I miss that.

I have been trying very hard to stay busy. It's the only thing that gets me through the day. Then I can come home and cry.

i do that too.. cook and clean n clean n then tv

I know what your talking about Dawn. I cant remember what my therapist called it but, I had it for a long time. It does go away. It's part of the grief process. I know I keep saying this, but just give yourself some time. This part of grief comes and goes. Because of my PTSD I would go for 2 weeks at a time without showering or cleaning. Water on my body felt like fire. I had no want to clean, cook, or take care of anything including myself. When the pain got a little less I finally began to regroup a little at a time. The pain did get less for me, but that's me. Everyone is different. I hope it gets less for all of you, and you begin to find little things that will help you regroup. You just cant rush grief. It is very strong, as is love. It's a long struggle for anyone who has had to bury their child, but regrouping is not impossible.

I say losing a child is PTSD for all of us...I have felt this too Dawn... it has been 4 Plus years and there are many days I still have those days.

I can honestly say that burying my children was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It has been the most painful, and the most time consuming horror that could ever be put on my plate. Those of you who are so new at this awful way of life, please be patient. I'm sorry to say that this kind of grief is the worst you will ever go through, but you do learn how to handle it in time. The good feelings will never be the way you felt before, but you will find your way. It feels like a life sentence, and in some ways it is. None of this is any of your faults. You did nothing to deserve this unreal pain. Your children did nothing to deserve to die. It's one of those things that we have no control over. I hate it. I hate not being in control of this thing called grief. I hate the fact that there are so many parents out there who have to suffer this incredible loss. I have lost many people, and things in this life, but losing my children was the worst. I'm sure many of you feel the same. I do believe in God. I do believe in miracles, but I don't believe God creates them. I believe we create them for eachother. I did blame God. I have cursed God with every fiber of my being, and many, many times. That's how I knew I believed in him. I figured how could I be so angry with God if he didn't exist? After a long time of pain, and terrible suffering I started really searching my heart, and my soul. I have a whole new view of God, and what he can, and can't do for me. I in my own way understand more about how it all works for me. But none of this happened until I went through the pain, sadness, the deep dark hole that the deaths of my children left in my heart, and soul. This is just my way of surviving without my beautiful boys. The way I have chose to live, and believe have given me the strength, and courage to continue even when my heart is breaking. I had no hope, no more dreams, and no will to live. Time, and doing things my way have brought me to where I am today. I want so much to take away your pain, but reality says I cant. All anyone can do is share with one another their pain, and grief, and hopefully one day their joy. The darkness needs to be shared so it can be reprocessed into light. There will always be tough days, but one day the light will shine so that when the bad days come they wont be so devastating. It takes a long time for this process. That's why I always say to be patient with yourself. Love will win out in the end. Peace, Love, and understanding to all! 

Beautiful pictures Vasanthi.

I am trying to do the Days of Thanksgiving... and trying to find things to be thankful for.... and this has been a difficult month... I took in a girl and her child and helped them financially and had them live with me... I worried that I would crumble with the small 4 year old child.... I had not had a child live here since my Niles died... and I worried to hear the familiar cartoons on the TV again....  But I was really ok... the child was sweet and I could tolerate Sponge Bob..... But unfortunately, the 22 year old mom was the bigger problem..... sad to say they needed to move out... and I feel sorry for the little girl being raised by a young Mom who has totally uprooted her child.....Sad situation all the way around..... but maybe a Thing to be thankful for is our grief in that... I really find myself re-evaluating relationships... and find that I have less tolerance for being abused by people.... And I am learning to cut ties when I feel used or abused by others.... be it a mother, brother or even this young gal...  Maybe Grief has given me a new back bone to stand up for myself?   Maybe it has also made me thankful that I have een able to be a good mother to Niles even though it was challenging... and even though I lost him... I tried to give him the best I could while he was here..... And I feel so sorry for this 4 year old... who is so bright and yet not allowed to shine... yet I have learned that I have no control of her and must maybe let go.    Sad.....

Dawn your not alone.  I won't hurt myself but at the same time when my time comes I'll be ready because I know Michael and my dad will be there waiting for me.  So I'm very ok with it.

Happy birthday Lynn.

Connie, Karen,dolly all of you , thank u.. LYNN I wish from the bottom of my heart a warm and peace filled day and for  the days to come... 

None are alone here -- sending loving thoughts to all.

Thank you all for your birthday wishes. It means a lot.  My step-son called me today from New Mexico to wish me a peaceful day and love.  I am going to take a long walk with my dog today, and a good friend has invited my husband and I for dinner tonight.  I am trying to be thankful for what is good in my life, and know that in a distant birthday, I will see my Kyra again in the afterlife.  This is the beginning of first's without her presence but I pray and talk to her everyday Love Lynn 

Happy Birthday Lynn!  Without the day of your birth, there wouldn't have been all the love you have shared. Peace, and Love to you especially today!

Today I'm going to meet with Michael's old hockey coach.  The idea is to figure out how to help a kid or kids who can't afford to play.  Not sure what the outcome will be, I just know it has to be positive.  I know my Michael is smiling down.  He would be pleased with this.

Michael was born bouncing off the walls.  Back in 1983 the doctor said to me, "this is one strong active baby, so get ready."  Never did they ever say the letters ADHD.  By the time Michael was 10 months old he could run down the street.  I found him on a second floor roof before he was 2. You couldn't turn your back for 2 seconds when he was little or he'd either go on a venture or purposely crash himself into something and think it was funny. 

Him playing hockey was my savior.  It burned his energy, taught him how to be a part of a team and it kept him out of trouble.  He loved hockey.  Now I want to find that other Michael and help him play. 

Today is for you, Mike.

I love what you say below Dolly.  I try to be thankful too and then I look at Kyra's picture and the tears come so hard again.  It is so comforting to have you all.

You're such a sweet person Dolly.

This is just so hard.

So hard to think about getting through the next day but knowing I have to do this every day for the rest of my life.

My strength is weakening.

I am tired.

I am so sorry Jane I live in Vermont and the cold gray days do not help going through grief.

Belated birthday blessings to Lynn & Judy.  Sorry these days are so hard.

Now the holidays come and I wish I could just sleep right through them.

Dolly, the pictures of Brandon you were talking about made me realize that I will hardly glance at my son's pictures anymore.  I probably walk past them at least a dozen times a day. It's harder now than it was before to look at him and wonder what he'd be looking like today.  I guess I intentionally avoid them.  At least for now. 

Jane, I'm tired too.  We need to keep that vision of better days inside us, especially when we're down in the valley.  Are you still seeing the therapist?

Praying we all experience some calmness and peace.

The first couple of years I use to read this graphic a lot and now I'm back to feeling this way again.  I can only hope that it is just this time of year.

I don't think I have healed all the way. I feel that through time, I learned how to deal with it better. I'm pretty sure that I as a mom will never heal all the way, but getting all the dark stuff out sure has helped me live in a brighter light. I hope you all get a brighter light even if just for a few moments.

yesterday, I saw a photo posted on FB of my son... one that my daughter had posted a long time ago... and her friend seemed to have tagged it... I don't know why it was there yesterday.... hit me though..... then it seemed to disappear among the rest of the posts.....strange.

Again... too look at it...his soft young skin, those eye,, cuddled in a blanket....I miss him.

The hockey meeting went well.  In December we are going to sponsor a hockey tournament in Michael's name.  We are going to make it an annual event. I was so excited when I left.  I think Michael is loving it. 

I won't have Michael to spend Christmas with but instead I will be spending it with a rink full of kids and Michael's spirit all over the place. 

I thought by doing this I could redirect my energy into something positive for Michael.  I feel good about it, but I still cried my way home. 

While this is positive I already know emotionally this is going to be a challenge.

I have Michael's picture all over the house, but I always did.  First thing I see when I wake up is a picture of Michael and my daughter Zenia. Not only do I look at the pictures but I talk to them.  Some days I'm the "crazy lady" staring at his picture waiting for him to answer. Do I torture myself by doing this?  Maybe, but I need to.

Jane I hear ya.  I don't want to be stuck here forever.  I now have permanent bags under my eyes from crying, yet everyday I still cry.  BUT......I have a daughter depending on me.  I can't leave her or ignore her.  She has been doing everything and anything she can to support me and to try and make this easier on me.  She doesn't know she can't make it easier but it is so sweet that she tries.  She's not giving up on me so I can't bail on her. 

Ammy

The therapist I had, decided I needed much more "intense" counselling and "let me go". I am just going to do it on my own. There is no magic remedy for this. I am slowly coming to this realization.

Teresa

I wear sunglasses all the time. My eyes are always swollen and red. I hang my head in the sink during the attacks and try to wash my eyes with cold water. It's the reason I don't go out much. I like being by myself.

This is a bad time of the year for ALL OF US. It is the one day we will all have in common, Christmas Day.

I have chosen not to celebrate Christmas. Without Danielle, there is no joy.

Teresa

What a proud day it will be for you at the hockey tournament. I wish you well.

I am still trying to stay busy with volunteering and hiking!! Our local area has new hiking trails through the forest. I am comforted by both. But that's all I've got and I know it's not enough but it's all I can do right now.

It's going to be rough until we can get Christmas "under our belt".

I wish with all my heart none of us were here, on this page.

I do think of you all during my days. I can't believe any of us have to do this every moment of every day.

Thinking of u all always ... 

Teresa I'm so glad your hockey meeting went well!  You are very brave and strong to be doing this tournament. I hope it brings you some joy. I'm sure it will be awesome, and sad for you, but what a wonderful way to pay tribute to Michael! The coming time will be difficult, and an enormous challenge for us all. Every year I would wonder how it will hit me. Even after years I still wonder. I have learned to take the holidays one day at a time. I try not to think about it all at once. That gives me a severe headache, and makes me sadder, so I deal with each day as it comes. When my kids were young I used to take them out to our pine tree patch, and let them pick out a tree. Then I would cut it down, and we'd all carry the tree home. The Christmas before Lil Del died he, and Ben wanted to get the tree on their own. It was fine with the girls they didn't like the long walk, and the cold. I'm didn't know why then, but I was ok with it too! Soon up the road came Lil Del, and Ben carrying the tree up the road singing Oh Christmas Tree! I laughed till I cried! It was a little off, but to all of us it was the best tree ever. That was our last Christmas before all of our lives changed forever. I had a hard time thinking about that memory for a long time because I couldn't deal with the pain that came with it. Today as I write I'm thinking about that wonderful day, and instead of tears of sadness I have tears of joy! There are so many of these little memories that I had put away in my mind because the pain was so bad. I'm finding those memories again little by little. They are becoming memories I can feel good about, and not feel sad, and hopeless about. Fighting the pain, and the darkness is very hard, stressful, and can push you to limits you never knew you could deal with. After Lil Del died I didn't think I could ever come back. After what the medical people did to me, my family didn't think I could come back. I was finally coming back when Ben was killed, and my daughter was in a coma. They told me not to bury Ben because I might have to bury my daughter also. That was it for me. Then when I held Ben in my arms I promised him I would be strong, and that I would never let anyone do anything to me. In public I was strong. In private I fell apart. I didn't want anyone to see my pain for fear of being locked up. Then I found this site! It felt so good to blog, and get the pain out, not just in a journal, but to share the good, the bad, and the ugly of this grief. Now I know better how to deal with life, and to this day I take it one day at a time. Who knew that old cliché was the beginning to being able to remember things without folding up in tears, and pain. I believe in doing whatever is right in ones own heart to glue the pieces back together of a broken heart. I just never know which piece I will have to glue on next, but I try to take those pieces one at a time too. Peace, and Love to all.

The tournament is going to be my new holiday tradition.

I feel like I need to do something and I it's like I want to live Michael's life for him.

THANK YOU to all for your support.

what a great way to honor your son Teresa he is proud of you

one of those day that I feel like  I want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

Approaching the 1st anniversary of Daniel's accident, Dec. 1st. But then there's Thanksgiving to get through. Sometimes I just don't know how I can do it. Today hurts really bad.

Teresa. am so glad and proud of you too... Connie, I know what that feels like and think that on that day you will feel so much more close to him , its all hurting but you will also feel the love and pls spend quiet time without letting the mind go into bylanes of thought.. try and try very hard to just feel the peace and soon you will feel a strange peace and love is what will be uppermost.. I wish that for you.

I also love what you said Dolly and I cry with you sweetheart.....and it's ok. ((hugs))

Checking in as I'm reading everyone's postings, just want to extend my love to all of you and ((hugs)).

HUGS TO ALL!

Frustration: I just wrote a long post with a personal message for each of you. I went to another page to see if I had missed anyone and the entire message disappeared! Maybe I'm just supposed to say, at least for now, that I love and pray for every one of you. God give us strength during these days ahead when we're supposed to be happy.

hugssss Michelle...thats really frustrating..but ur caring n love is accepted gladly... i did that once n later i always copy it b4 i leave the page so i can paste or make changes.. hugsss to all

Thanks to everyone for your kindnesses. There was snow on the ground this morning.  I am not looking forward to winter.  Some days its so hard to grasp what has happened, and just want my old life back.

Lynn, I couldn't agree more. I sure wish we could have our old lives back. But I guess if our children are happy and at peace, I'd have to change my statement...It's so hard.

Hello to all and thanks so much Michelle.

Michelle, I've done that. 

Lynn I want my old life back too.

I have to write a one pager telling people who Michael was and why I want to do the tournament.  The thoughts are in my head I just can't get them out on paper.  It's a hard thing to do.  I get as far as the first line and then hit delete.  I don't want it to be "sad" and I can't tell his whole life story, which I keep trying to do. 

For those with an opportunity to write about their child, and knowing how very sad it is to do this, I wish you the best in your writing. I would love to read your writings.

Today is the first time I will spend my birthday without my child.

No one else ever remembers my birthday. Danielle was always the one to make sure my birthday was special.

I am going to lunch with 3 girlfriends instead.

And then I will come home to cry................

Birthdays are no longer special for me. It's just another empty day for me.

I guess one could say these special days are no longer part of my "new life".

How is everyone doing today?

Jane, I wish you a peace-filled birthday and a special message from Danielle, if possible.

Jane.. Happy birthday to you, sending hugs and kindness.