I lost control today, was hard to get it back. I was so overwhelmed with just thinking about how long my son has been gone and dreading how one day I'll be saying he's been gone for 5yrs, 10yrs, 20yrs......it feels like it just happened yesterday, I guess that's why I hate counting the time that has passed. Has anyone else experienced this.

Dolly, the dragon fly picture filled my heart with joy, and peace today. Thank you!

Karen I know just how you feel. I wish I could stop counting the time that goes by. Have never figured out how to stop it. When I say my beautiful little boy has been gone 15 years it makes me a little sick to my stomach. Just saying 6 for my Ben hurts deep. Just one more thing to have to deal with on this journey.

The end is usually just the beginning.

It hurts awfully bad when a beautiful life is taken away from us.

But they are never really taken away, because the beauty of their life lives on within our hearts.

Yeah Anne, I know what you mean.

Dolly, Thanks.. am settling in and Craig does everything to see that its easy.. just feel at times that its all a little surreal.. I sometimes keep wishing I could just call Micks and tell him all the little daily things..then i wonder where the hell he is,Do come and visit and stay at any time you want..I will take good care of u.. thats a promise..

Anne, it hurts to even think that we are talking about the 'beauty of their lives' and such things.. just brings home how awful this is..

Karen, I want to stop counting the time , u know what I mean? yet December looms large and 23rd Dec it will be two years.. my heart feels heavy that so much of time has passed and so much has happened without me seeking it and so much more will happen in this lifetime which will remain unshared :( not good friends, not good to bear such a huge burden and try and try and try to live well.

That's great you ladies might have an opportunity to meet.  Dolly I'm really glad your attacks stopped and I'm glad that is all is was. 

I invited my 3 best friends over for a bonfire. That's my thing lately, surrounding myself with the positive and supportive people in my life.

Looking forward to today.  They don't mind when I cry out of no where.  They allow me to cry, say what I need to say then distract me back to what we are doing. 

The hardest thing for me is they are all grandmoms now and me nothing.   I'm going to try and not think about it and just enjoy the day and my company. 

I love you guys!!!!!

Just went out for a long walk with my dog and every time someone past me I had to put up my sunglasses.  Didn't want anyone to say who is that crazy lady walking and crying.  Now off to plant some bulbs in the garden.  It is a warm sunny day in Vermont for November and being outside helps me the most.  It's a few minutes before noon half way through another day. Most times I find myself wishing the time away, it is 11 weeks today she died and my 63rd birthday is on next Friday.  This is so so hard, trying to cope anyway I can

Lynn - being outside helps me the most also. It is hard to get the mojo going just to go to the nursery and get plants. So good job on that! The earth always gives us beauty when we can't feel any. I might have to wait til spring though. Hugs to all

Vasanthi, congrats on your great news :)! Thanks for sharing your blessings, nice to hear your prospective, gave me something positive to think about.

Teresa D., it's wonderful to hear that you have such supportive friends and it's great to have distractions, hope you manage to have some fun.

Lynn, I know what you mean about feeling like you're the "CRAZY LADY" walking and crying, I have experienced that many many times. When it comes and hits you, sometimes it just pours out, mine's seem to come most often when I'm driving. Maybe because I'm usually alone when I'm driving and I don't have to hide.

Connie, "THE EARTH ALWAYS GIVES US BEAUTY WHEN WE CAN'T FEEL ANY", wow, so beautifully said and so true, that warmed my heart :)

Sending hugs and well wishes to all here, we can help each other walk to through this, my tears are flowing with you all.

I cry when I'm in the shower, I cry when I'm in the car alone, hell I cry whenever I'm alone.  I guess that's why I hate hearing people say "Your so strong" If they took a shower with me they would know I'm not feeling strong at all.  I just do my grieving these days more privately.

Two people I just meant asked me about my son the other day and of course I had to tell them he passed.  Their faces turned so sad looking.  Without thinking I told them to take the sad looks off their faces cause it wasn't their kid nor did they know him so I am the only one that gets to have the sad look.

I want to talk about Michael like I always did but I don't want to find myself in that corner of having to say he passed. For two reasons I don't like saying it and I don't like the faces I get when I do. I haven't figured it out yet, but I don't think my answer the other day was the right one.

My weekend with friends was nice.  Until they started sharing grand baby stories.  I went into my bathroom, cried and returned hoping the conversation was over.  I don't want them not to talk about them, I have known these girls for a long time, two of them I knew them as a kid myself, so I don't want to miss these milestones in their lives.  But I won't lie and say I'm not jealous.

There's so much to figure out.  I don't think others realize the struggles we go through.  It's like you have to find yourself all over again. And no matter what to me I still have two kids.  I will never stop talking about Michael or loving him. 

Karen your not alone.  There's days I know I'm the crazy lady.   

today I am going to fill out the application to be a substitute in our regional district.  I retired this past June from teaching middle school.  I sometimes thought about doing this before Kyra died.  I don't want the stress and pressure of being in charge of a class but being a para

will get me out of the house a couple of days a week this winter.  Yesterday I was back in the pit, cried all day even, visiting a friend I cried.  Later I will go for another long walk with my dog.  Most of my friends are still working so not many people around to do things with. Hope today I feel some lightness.

hugssssss.. what a lovely pic Dolly.. so soothing..love to all my dearest friends here .. 

Just catching up on all of the comments here... Teresa, I also cry in the shower and when I am alone... I also read where you do not like to see the sad faces when you tell someone you have Lost a child...You do not want to see the sad faces... and Dolly feels like the world has totally ignored her Brandon... kind of a sad funny... I had the disabled kid too,,, where I wanted the world to know HE WAS MY KID.... but sad faces might indicate that he mattered.... a smiling face might tell us that  "It was a Blessing in disguise"  (I Hate when People say that,,, ) Or "The Lord only gives us what we can handle" )  You are right... they should get in the shower with us....

I just wanted to tell all of you that, every child is important. In God's eyes every child is beautiful, and special. I still cry my eyes out in the shower. When all of this first happened I couldn't even take a hot shower because it felt like fire on my skin, so I took many cold showers, and sometimes I didn't shower at all. I can shower now when my PTSD is not triggered, but I still cry in there. The beauty of the earth is a gift! All of our children are loved, and death cannot sever that love ever, ever, ever! 

The sun is setting over the west pasture now. Night will soon be upon me. The wind is dying down, and so is the temperature. I used to enjoy the end of the day, until my world came crashing down around me, but I find that as time goes by, the sunsets are beginning to look most beautiful to me again. Next week will be Lil Dels 27rh birthday. I wonder what he would look like? What he's doing, and is Ben there with him? Even though I know in my heart that he has been well taken care, and loved, I still cant help but wonder how different life would be if he was still here. It's a subject that is difficult for me to think about. I don't know why I'm thinking about it now? Yesterday I went pheasant hunting with my husband. Since the boys are gone, and I had gained so much weight between the two, I couldn't walk very far, my husband quit hunting because he doesn't like to go alone,  and losing the boys took the specialness of it away. So I went with him. We didn't shoot anything, but walking through all of those fields, breathing in the good fresh air, and feeling like one with nature. I forgot how helpful  it is to walk those fields. The world is such a beautiful place. To bad burying our children has to be a part of it. Peace, and understanding to all!

Anne how true.. love can never be severed.. I cant imagine the agony u must have felt and the hot shower would certainly be traumatic to you.. like i wd imagine my head exploding every time i sat in a car...i see these lovely small snapshots of our children here and feel they are so much with us through it all.. they also would want their parents to be ok and if they could would let us know how much we mean to them..hugsss to u all.. Connie.. such difficult times and that too everyday.. Dawn we are all with u... Grace, Dolly, Michelle... I feel for us all ,xoxoxox

Hello to all, just need to vent about the un-sensitive thing my mom said to me today. For all that know me, its no secret how much I hate taking pictures, I'm always the one that runs from the camera, I've just always been that way for as long as I can remember. All of my family and close friends can,'t stand that I do that. Well you can only imagine that it's only gotten worse since my son passed/crossed over because it's even more difficult for me to smile, it's like its become painful to smile so I just fake it. Well this evening, my dad wanted to take a picture of me and I did my usual song and dance about not wanting to take it but I gave in just to get it over with and then my mom said to me that I "CHOOSE TO LOOK UNHAPPY"!!  She said that I was doing it on purpose! I was so hurt and so offended, she has no idea how insensitive that sounded to me, I just swallowed it and asked her why would I do that on purpose. She just repeated it irritatingly and I stopped responding. I wanted to scream who the hell would choose to look sad, was she implying that I was just trying to get attention? Who would choose to be in this kind of pain? Who would volunteer for this crap? I was so upset but I stayed quiet. She just reminded me why I go out of my way to hide my pain and my emotions when I'm in her presence. Let my mom tell it, I'm just fine as long as she sees no tears or hears any crying or wailing.....Karen's just great! What she doesn't get is when my tears are not flowing on the outside, they're always flowing on the inside. I don't know, maybe I'm reading into it too deep but I still feel like it was cold. I'm tired of justifying my grief and my pain to those that just don't get it, whether it be my mother or my other children.  My son's life was not my imagination! Just because 'these THINGS happen', doesn't make it more acceptable or easier for me, just because we will all have the same fate and no day is promised to us, doesn't ease my pain or make me stop missing my son. Thanks for listening.

This a song by Beyoncé, called 'I  Was Here". Every time I hear it, I tell myself that this is what my son is say to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=i41qWJ6QjPI

oops, Sorry for the typos

Dolly, Brandon has touched my life.

Karen, I get it.  My mom to my great surprise has not been able to comfort me at all.  She tells me not to talk about him and she won't allow me to cry around her.  Your ever so right, who would choose to be in this state.

So Sorry to Karen and everyone here....this is the month of finding things to be thankful for... it is day 5 and I'm still thinking....  In mid August a girl came to stay with her 4 year old daughter... she is going to go home because she is homesick.... I am finding myself wanting her to just go soon.   I really am surprised that I have fallen for the little girl... I was so worried to have a little one in the house...listening to cartoons that my Niles used to love.... but I have done ok... better than I feared.  I am worried for this little one. her mom is a kid trying to raise a kid and there is just no stability for the child.  Anyway, I am so disappointed that the Mom has not been able to use this opportunity to improve her life for her child.  FRUSTRATED!

Maybe I am even more sensitive  now in my life?

"The case of a parent losing a child is very special because the most deep-seated protective and nurturant emotions are brutalized. Because this 'injury' is so severe to such primitive emotional processes, the grieving parent is likely to feel and express the pain associated with it for the rest of his or her life."

~Dr Joanne Cacciatore

Hello to all.  The 1st of Nov. marked my 6 month of losing my precious

son /Matthew.  I ache in every bone in my body from this pain.  The yesterday 6 months and 3 days from losing my only child  my animal her name was Kaylee I had her since she was 3 days old pass away also.  She was 13 years old but that pain and the pain of my son lose has be spinning.  
I feel out of control I feel I'm losing my mind there seems to be death all around me.  I know some may think that I am stupid about the lose of a animal and how it is  effecting  me in such a way as if she was another human no but she was my best friend.   So my son loss and hers have started the immense pain I felt when I first lost Matthew.

all over again. 

 I'm   sick to my stomach and the pain in my gut is real pain.  I know that a human lose is the worst pain you can feel I know because as you all know I lost a son. I don't know maybe I shouldn't wrote this but i have no one to talk to...  My partner is tired of my grief my dad passed in 2011 Then my son in 2013 May 1st, now the only animal I every owned this long.  The tears I wept since 2011-2013 then yesterday as I laid her  in my arms to get her ready for us to bury.  The tears I could of filled a lake and a Hugh one at that since 2011-now.  I miss my son so bad that there is no words I can put to how much I miss him for he was my best friend {human}  So when you lose both your best friend in this world were do you turn.  

  I'm in a dark pit and I can't get out of it seems all is going ok them wosh I get pushed back again.  Losing my father I knew was going to happen so I prepared my self as best you can of losing a parent.  My son there was no preparing myself I talk to him on Monday nite and Tuesday afternoon he fell in a coma and never recovered we lost Wednesday afternoon.  Then Kaylee  l knew she was acting strange a couple of days ago and had a appointment for yesterday but she didn't make till then.  So I've lost the only parent whom acted as such. Then my son and the ruled his death as accidental which leave me at what was it his temp of 110 the blood on his brain, the pneumonia he had.  His hepatitis or perhaps the drugs  in his system.

So you see I'm lost today and in a major all but as .  I'm sorry to spell my guts to  all but as I stated earlier I have no one for support except you Around my partner I have to hide it he tired of my tears he tired of seeing me in a rolled up ball unable to move.  I hurt everyday but seems around the 28th of each month till the 10 of the next I'm a walking zombie.   Thank for letting me share hugs to all Judy

Dear Judy,

My heart goes out to you.. how awful to lose a pet too..love is love and we cant quantify it , be it for a human or for an animal.. they are also angels who come and light up our lives and we learn so much from just loving them.. I pray that you will get the strength and you have us all here in your time of intense grief.. am with you.. do maintain peace within , in yourself and you will find the peace outside too.. xoxoxo hugsss

Judy

I am so sorry fr your loss. I know exactly how that feels. Last year I lost my 13 yearold kitty Monkey boy and the year before that my best dog ever who was also 13. They were best friends. Those were heartbreaking losses. Vasanthi is so right. Love is Love. No matter, where or who it comes from. I just believe that we come from somewhere and fhere we return. I bet your pup is playing with your son right now. Now your son can run and play with him without physical restrictions or pain. It is so hard for those of us left behind to continue learning our lessons.

I was just thinking yesterday that only a short time ago, we were all here, happy family of one child, 2 dogs, 4 cats my husband and I. We are both 55 and my husband lost his best friend about 6 years ago. At that time my son was only 12 and he said "Those people who have passed don't want to be mourned, they want to be celebrated. So with those wise words from my 12 year old, I try to get up each day and celebrate the fact that I was lucky enough to have them all. I want them back and am in despair most of the time. But I try to keep these thoughts present in my mind and truly try to believe. I know all this doesn't make the pain any less, just sheds perspective that this physical world is not all there is.

As we get older (or not) that is the way of life. Death is part of it. I like to think of death as just a short part of our journey and that our children are experiencing something wonderful now as they continue their REAL journey. I can only hope and pray for that. My husband made the comment that it seems like the older we get, that the people we are losing is increasing in number like it is raining.

You have had more than your share of loss and grief and I am so sorry. Hang in there. We are all here for you.

yeahhh Dolly,  better to look what we feel than try n fake it n please ANYONE

Dear Karen, There's no way that you can just pick up, and move on. Maybe your mom just cant stand to see you in such pain because you are her daughter. Family is not exempt from the ignorant things they say to us. I had to distance myself from my mom because I heard the same things. We are here for you, and you can cry, and vent all you want. I'm sorry, but nobody chooses to be sad in pics or otherwise. You are not looking for attention, your looking for love and comfort, and there's nothing wrong with that. No one has the right to tell you how to grieve including your mom.  Sometimes walking away is your best defense. This journey takes a long time to get to a point where you can breathe again. My mom lost my sister when she was 16 months old, and I would never go to her anymore for advice or comfort because she hurts me so bad. You would think my mom would understand because she has been down this road, but I feel like it gives her pleasure to hurt me. I love her very much, but I cant confide in her anymore. I'm ok with that. She was never there for me when I was growing up so I just don't expect much from here any more. We all need to go through this process, and none of it is easy, but I just don't expose myself to my family any more because it's just to painfull. Peace, and understanding to you!

Dear Karen, There's no way that you can just pick up, and move on. Maybe your mom just cant stand to see you in such pain because you are her daughter. Family is not exempt from the ignorant things they say to us. I had to distance myself from my mom because I heard the same things. We are here for you, and you can cry, and vent all you want. I'm sorry, but nobody chooses to be sad in pics or otherwise. You are not looking for attention, your looking for love and comfort, and there's nothing wrong with that. No one has the right to tell you how to grieve including your mom.  Sometimes walking away is your best defense. This journey takes a long time to get to a point where you can breathe again. My mom lost my sister when she was 16 months old, and I would never go to her anymore for advice or comfort because she hurts me so bad. You would think my mom would understand because she has been down this road, but I feel like it gives her pleasure to hurt me. I love her very much, but I cant confide in her anymore. I'm ok with that. She was never there for me when I was growing up so I just don't expect much from here any more. We all need to go through this process, and none of it is easy, but I just don't expose myself to my family any more because it's just to painfull. Peace, and understanding to you!

sometimes the loss of our beloved animals is very traumatic. I lost my favorite dog a few years after my first son died. Sometimes when I'm driving I still think about her, and cry.

Hugs to all.  I have just tried to catch up with the posts and all I can say is that I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for us all.  Reading your posts  hurts me and I am surprised that I can feel that pain for you all when I am in pain myself.  I just get it all.  I can so relate to much of what each of you are going through and feeling.  I do believe that what we have gone through does make us more compassionate toward others.  Even when they are not toward us.

I just had my second cataract surgery last Wednesday and I can see much better except for the computer screen.  I still need glasses for it and am not sure what strength so I have a hard time right now reading on the computer.  I found an old pair of reading glasses that are helping some, but not enough to be reading for very long. 

My heart is with each one of you, along with my prayers. I care about you all.   ♡♡♡

Dear sweet Judy E., my heart hurts with yours :(

So many losses in such a short time span....as if any time span would be sufficient. Animals are living creatures too so don't feel bad over the pain your in losing Kaylee, I'm so sorry. Many of us here know about that dark pit you speak of. I wish this world was a perfect place, one where none of this misery existed but somehow we survive. Groups like these help only help us.

Anne thanks so much for your support, maybe you're right about my mom not being able to stand me being in so much pain, I still love my mother very much but it was very hurtful, it's like I'm getting use to it, really sad though. I'm also sorry about what your experience has been, sending (((hugs)))

Yes Connie, I think that song is awesome as well.

Just sending hugs to all and want to thank everyone for their support, it's amazing that through all of our own pain, we manage to be able to listen and not judge and send all of our 'cyber' hugs.....thanks guys.

Jane, thanks for sharing.

Thanks Dawn, I need the hugs, I wish I was getting more from some of my family members.

I can't handle the thought of anymore loss right now.

My mom, I hate to admit it but my visits to see her have become fewer. 

I wanted to call Michael last night and tell him everything like I use to do, instead I just cried myself to sleep.  This hurts to the core.

Someday this world will be a perfect place!

I'm posting a response that I sent to Jane's asking me if I am OK because I haven't been posting in some time lately...

Life has been crazy lately, so although I have been reading messages, I haven't been posting. This November is a difficult month for me. Last November 22 was Thanksgiving and the last day I ever saw my son, even though he's only been gone since this March. It was the first holiday in many that he and his wife spent with my family and thus was very special. I didn't know, thank God, that it would be the last time I would ever lay eyes on him. Due to the circumstances of his death, I didn't see him after he passed away, which makes it doubly hard to comprehend that he's even gone. I have been having more anxiety than usual, but fortunately, my sleep has improved recently.

I did something good for myself last week. I knew I needed some time away, alone. It took me awhile to figure out where I could go that I could drive to and would be meaningful. Finally, it hit me: go to Notre Dame where both Chris and my daughter went to college. So I left my dogs with my husband and drove there. I left last Monday and came back Wednesday afternoon. I did a lot of praying and reflecting there in order to connect with Chris. It definitely was the right place to go. I walked the same sidewalks that my kids walked, touched the door of my son's dorm that he must have touched hundreds, if not thousands of times. I took a lot of photos on campus because it was so beautiful with the fall leaves. I felt more at peace than I have in a long time. I wish it could have lasted, but real life has a way of letting you know that those calm, peaceful times don't last forever.

I hope everyone is doing well. I think of each and every one of you daily and thank God that we all have one another for support and understanding.

Judy, my heart breaks for you that you also lost your beloved Kaylee. Each time I lose a precious dog, it hurts so much. I can empathize with your additional pain.

Good for you Michelle! Doing little things for ourselves is a good coping skill. It doesn't take away the pain, or the grief, but it lets us put it in the back if only for a moment. I have found that if I allow myself the time to have a quiet moment, that time has taught  me a few coping skills I need to get by. I realize that no one can do that for me. I have to do some things for myself, such as taking walks, or listening to music, or whatever feels right at that moment. Even if I really don't think I want to, sometimes it's the best thing for me! It's hard sometimes to remember that not everyone knows how we feel because they have not walked in our shoes. It's true people shy away because they don't want to feel our pain. I had a friend whose daughter died a few years after my little boy died. I didn't know her very well at the time, but I did everything I could to help her. Then when my Ben died she called me at the hospital where my daughter was in ICU, and me not knowing if she would live. She told me she couldn't be my friend anymore because I was a jinx, and she didn't want to lose her son too. At first I was horrified wondering if I was a jinx. Then I got angry. How could she do this to me at a time when I really needed a friend ,she bailed like that on me. We are no longer friends. I still answer her call once a year when its the anniversary of her daughters death, because I would never turn anyone away like that, but otherwise we are not friends anymore. Those that haven't walked in my shoes I try to forgive because I don't want anyone to know this kind of pain. I do however get really frustrated, and angry with those who have walked in my shoes, and treat me bad. I cut those out of my life, including my own family members.

The deep dark hole. Over the years I have realized that every time I fall down in that deep dark hole I learn more, and more how to dig my way out. It's kind of like the story of the donkey who fell in the hole, and was afraid he'd die down there, but each time dirt was piled on top of him he used that dirt as a stepping stone so he could get closer, and closer to getting out. Silly analogy, but it makes sense to me. I still fall down in that hole, and there is always someone throwing dirt on top of me, but now I use that dirt to my advantage! I hope, and pray that someday all of you will also learn how to climb out of the hole even when the dirt comes down on you. For me because I know that I will live with the deaths of my sons, for the rest of my life, I'm the only one who can dig myself out. I have dug out of some of the deepest holes that one couldn't even imagine. Sometimes I have found myself out of the hole without knowing how I got out. I'm very stubborn. In the beginning I just wanted to be buried in that nasty hole. Then I had to make the biggest decision of my life. Do I quit, or do I fight? I decided that quitting was just too easy. I went round, and round with that question for a long time. Now quitting is not an option for me. That's where the stubbornness kicks in. I had to give myself time, patience, and love. I gave myself those three things, and here I am! This journey will never be easy, and it will never end, but I will survive. I'm going to say it again because it's the truth. We all grieve, and handle death different. We all have common denominators like snowflakes, but we all travel this journey in many different ways, and at many different levels of time. There is no right or wrong way to walk through this. Sometimes I wish I could run through it, but that doesn't happen either, so I just do the best I can one day at a time. Somedays I can only do it one minute at a time, and that's ok with me. There is no time limit for any of us. There are plenty of days that I have to let the pain, and grief wash over me because I believe I have to let it out. I'm careful though of when, where, and who I let it out to, but I do allow myself to let it out.

Just checking in to say good night, I read the latest postings and I'm a little overwhelmed to comment. ((hugs)) to all.

Anne ,your post helped me..I go through the same question.. went through it.. Can i just bury myself in the nearest hole and never ever get out? or do i fight back? Once I was going through Mick's pics and the last time he was with me ,I had clicked a pic of him sitting on a swing in our lawn.. he was frowning because I wasn't getting the camera operation rt..I kind of enlarged the pic that day and on his t-shirt was written...." You got to fight back NOW"... I simply sat and cried and cried  and then over the next few days concentrated on centering myself.. what a struggle this life is , how much we fight to just stay a little ok and how much we do to see that people around also have a degree of comfort, how difficult this entire stretch ahead is..its all so overwhelming and all too much..problems keep cropping up , small ones, big ones, those that need attention and those we think can be pushed behind somewhere.. how does one cope?.. u r rt anne... one day/minute/second at a time...have a peace filled day my friends.

Anne at first I thought the ending was going to be how you and the other mom bonded, my jaw dropped when I read the part about the phone call. How in her mind she justified that phone call is beyond me.   

I'm fighting as hard as I can.  It's just so hard when you've been hurt to the core. 

Yes Dolly, because of the timing and the dilemma at the time... and all i used to do was read n re-read all our daily chats n have coffee and re-read and see his pics and weep and have coffee and read the chats-- i desperately prayed that i die and the response from shreyas especially that concerned frown on the face shook me out of it.. hugsss.. if i can find that pic on my comp will attach it here .