Hey Anne, speaking for myself, I surely was NOT offended by anything you said, this is your journey as I said before, sending hugs.

Hello dear Ammy, sorry but I would have noticed if I had been on, just recently found the strength to check back in, a million thanks for thinking of me, I also wish you a peaceful night/day.

Anne, I left a message on your blog.. hugsss..

Ammy, of course you are always in prayers and thoughts.. all are, sometimes naming everyone  and unfortunately we are so many.. is difficult .. i read your 'vilomah' post.. yes it is heartrending, yes we are facing the worst  on a daily basis , but we are trying are we not to somehow live well? 

We have to swim against the current but then only dead fish swim with the stream.

 love to all..

I wonder too Adrianne.. its so out of character for them to maintain silence-- !

Ammy don't ever think no one missed you, because I notice when others have done silent.  I just assume others are doing what they need to do for themselves to get through this. 

Anne anything anyone has to say that is positive is medicine for me.  I take what others try and say and see if it will work for me.

Now I even pass some of it along to my cousin Jessy.  I could not have handled Jessy if it wasn't for the support I got here. 

Vasanthi, keep your encouraging quotes coming.

Lynn I wish I had a friend like yours.

And for those of you who are further down the road please don't stop sharing because for me your words prepare me for what's to come and it let's me know I'm ok when I have melt downs like the other day.

Dolly,

Just be as you are.. no one on earth need be given the power to make you feel bad about anything. It is all so recent and one cant be expected to go on as if nothing happened. You are just lovely as you are and its not some pep talk, i feel your sincerity and honesty and I'm having some pretty bad days too. For me it is almost 2 years this Dec and though time cant give me my son back , the shock of it is wearing off and I try to do things like get quiet time, even when I am all alone and try to still the mind by some uplifting reading.. sometimes i just watch tv mindlessly. You know that everyone around do try their best in their own way but our sorrow is such a weird peculiar one as we are sorrowing for what is against the natural order..I never used to have fear earlier, now i seem to fear everything, right from getting into the car and driving.. for a good 10 minutes, I feel my heart beating and i sweat... Craig has asked me to breathe deeply when that happens and the breathing does help.. so I am trying to help myself get better.next week I have to leave and get there... changes are the way life has been and will be. I am putting away things in the house and yesterday went through all of his pics as i need to carry many with me.. it is brutal for us to go through this.. i wish i could just hold you. I know how much you miss caring fro Brandon.. it is like one role is  snatched away and in its place is a huge void.. Again the recency is what is hurting you,I am not saying that we will ever forget but I badly want to get to a place where love does the talking and not the damn pain.

Teresa thank you for your kind words and all here too.. xoxoxox

awwwww  Dawn O what a lovely lovely pic.. god bless you.

Dolly your grandchild is beautiful  much love

Dawn, your little Hailo is precious.  I hope she will bring you much joy.  

I know my 2 youngest grandchildren have helped me immensely.  Just something about babies.  

Love, peace, and comfort to all.

Hello to all, wasn't sure if I would be able to get on today. Today marks the 4th anniversary of my son's passing :(, obviously a day that I will always hate. Most of my friends and family either forgot or avoided me today, some, I'm sure were thinking that their acknowledgement of this day would only upset me but they feel to realize that their remembering, is actually a good thing for me, especially since I'm always agonizing over the mere thought that everyone will forget him as if he never had a life.  They don't understand that he is not just a "memory' to me, he's my son, he will ALWAYS be my son and I will always be his mom and I want him back, not later.....right now!! He had a life and should still be here enjoying it, he was only 21 yrs old for goodness sake and I'm still very angry, angry at those who are responsible and myself for discontinuing his life support. I'm always begging for his forgiveness, my guilt is still heavy. I try to convince myself I did the "RIGHT" thing for him but it never works, I just have feelings of profound regret. Rationally, it probably was the best but in my heart I feel like contributed to his demise, in my book, this is the worse possible feeling that anyone could ever feel, it's quite tormenting at times. Somehow, I make it to the next day. 

Dawn, Hailo, is absolutely adorable, what a gift!

typo; should say.....they fail to realize, not feel to realize

I want to reach out to everyone but I don't know what to say other than I care...

Hey Adrianne E., just wanted to say, I think like what Teresa D. said, that sometimes I just think that one of us may just be taking a break, for whatever reason. There have been many, many times, when I just check in and read postings and I don't comment, my heart is always with  you guys but I do appreciate any and all concerns of my absence, I haven't forgotten the loss of one of our members, I will never forget how she decided to end her pain, I wish she would have sought another intervention.

As moms we take the responsibility even if it is not really ours.  I know I feel guilty because Michael laid on that floor all alone.  He needed me and I wasn't there.

Dolly your description of Brandon's facial expressions is beautiful. 

Dawn....precious just simply precious. 

Michelle, we care about you right back. 

My daughter is 25 and when she didn't return to the house when I expected her to I became really upset.  When she came home I just starting yelling at her like a kid who didn't make it home by curfew.  In my yelling I blurted, "I already have one dead kid" I didn't mean too, didn't even realize I was saying it until I said it.  The next day she must have called me every 5 minutes to tell me where she was.  I shouldn't have done that to her.

When Do you begin to start letting the presence of your living children in your mind all I do is think about Kyra who is physically gone.  My other kids live so far away,  I will see them at Christmas but I need to be near them.  Before Kyra died all of them were in my mind, but now I just want Kyra here.  Is this normal. Help  

Karen - sending you prayers today.

Hello to all, Teresa D. I have had similar experiences with my other children. I was always a worrier but now, even more so, I hate that I do that to them as well, hopefully they learn to not hold it against us.

Hey Connie K. thanks so much, I'll take as many as I can get. Sending my hugs to all, I truly wish I could hug each and everyone one of you in person, I wish I could give everyone their child back and take all their pain away. In a perfect world, no one would ever know this pain.

I try to tell Zenia the same thing Dawn.  There were things between me and Michael that were ours.  Michael never hung up the phone or walked away from me without saying "I love you".  He became a big strong man but yet when he came for the night he would let me (to an extent) treat him like he was my little boy. 

My daughter started to notice something I've been doing that I didn't notice.  I keep treating boys in the stores and on the street to things.  I buy them candy, water ice or simply give them money.  I don't know these kids and they didn't ask me for anything.  I didn't realize I was doing it until she pointed it out.

Wow...it has been a while since I have commented... Some days my box is so full of everyone one here... I just can not bear to read them all... so sad to know we have all lost a child.  Niles died in May of 2009... and I am still reading some of the post and thinking about those on here.... the other day I was driving and hear Elton John sing

"Daniel" and thought about Dick...(Who has not been on here in a while either).   In my dreams I begin to see my Niles as if he were still here... doing everyday things to only wake to again know that his cremains are in the drawer next to me.  I continue to think about my estranged relationship with my mother but can not put myself in the line of the toxic fire with them anymore... yet I find myself worried and with Pity that she has such a lonely and bitter end of life situation.  Anyway... I can not say that I have read every comment on here...there have been just too many... and we all know the pain of each of us..... PEACE

Grace, it was good to see you here.  I actually thought of you the other day.  I had posted something about moms that take care of their children and it made me think of you also.  I pray you are able to find some moments of peace & comfort.

This life is just overwhelming at times, but, sadly, it's now our life.

Looks like a quiet day here on the wall.  Hope that is a good sign.

Thinking of you all and sending hugs.

Grace nice to hear from you.  I'm in the same position with my mom, so I know how you feel.  Even though my mom has not been able to be there for me emotionally I am very lucky to have the great friends and family that I have.  They have all tried their best to be supportive and to let me know they are there.  They may not always say the right things but I know their intentions are good. 

Yesterday I spent the day with one of my friends who is more like a sister.  Helped her clean out her mom's things.  She has been holding on to them since she passed, which was 5 years ago.  I've known her and her family since 1976 so it was nice to walk down memory lane with her as we did this. 

This was good for us and I'm glad I did it with her.  We were able to do it with fond memories and lots of laughs instead of complete sadness.  It was nice to see her remember her mom with happiness instead of the usual tears.  I live for the day I can speak of Michael with happiness and not tears.  Just not there yet.

Try to have a peaceful weekend and know someone (me) is thinking of you and your children.  HUGS and Love to all.  Even those peeking in.

Hello Grace, nice to hear from you again as well.

Sending love and peace to all my dearest friends here...

(((Group Hug)))

Regretfully, I learned something new these past two months:
While we 'think' we are over the worst - our heart and mind can tell us quite the opposite.

I'm going to forget about getting over anything and just focus on living with .. was thinking that our children would never have wished that any of us go through this !@@##$@, so we will not!

Read a beautiful verse by  Emily Brontë (1818-1848)

Though earth and moon were gone
And suns and universes ceased to be
And Thou wert left alone
Every Existence would exist in thee.

Dolly, what helped me when i feel panicky is to shift the focus very consciously.. and shift it to something higher than us.. maybe our child, or maybe get 'into' another persons needs or just be wit the thinking of anything you find uplifting... till its tried out , you won't know how much it helps.. so many here talk of meditation which is just being with oneself without wanting any change in whatever 'is'... please please do try cos the alternative is dwelling on the pain which is like some yawning void... thanks for the hugss on ur post, they made me feel so nice as does reading what all write.. Karen, Teresa, Lynn,Ammy, Michelle, and all others who are always in my thoughts...hugsss to all..wish i could personally hold each one close during our very painful times, I know how devastating this is for us but we really must get the better of it .

Dolly... please go to a doctor cos it feels so helpless to be unable to suggest something that actually works-- i wish i could hug you with all the painful things happening ,, physical /chemical issues can be handled well by a doctor so i wish you would go and start a treatment.. wish someone here knew what to so or suggest something for Dolly please.

yesterday went out n met friends whom i know for over 30 years since college.. that felt very soothing.. then went out with another friend in the evening as she lives near where we all met up.. n all i wanted to do was drive away.. she said now u just get on with ur life and forget the past... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... as if the past with shreyas was unpalatable... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Dolly, first meet the doctor and also tell him/her about your concern of putting on weight.. weight can be handled and when you feel better you wont think of weight and feel depressed.. and weight or no weight its how you feel that is important.. you are loved and U r adorable.. so do not start thinking about what problems you will face even before you meet the doc. Just go n meet first and then lets take it step by step.. Am with you all the way... hugssssss..pls pls pls go n take an appointment first.. if it doesnt work you can always drop it and we will think of something that works..love xoxoxoxoxo

Dolly

ask your doc about Cymbalta. It's different from an antidepressant. It helps relieve pain as well. When I have panic attacks I try to breathe deeply and do some mediation techniques. If necessary I will take 1/2 of a xanax. Otherwise, the anti anxiety knock me out and make me feel even more emotional the next day! If you can walk a little, it will eventually increase your energy and help work off some anxiety. It is a constant battle and for me it requires being mindful all the time. It sucks but that's the way it is I guess.

Vasanthi - sorry about your old friend telling you to move on. They just CAN'T understand. And you know what - I hope they never have the chance too. Sometimes that is exactly what I say to people when they make off handed comments like that. "Well it is just so hard to explain. I hope you never are in the situation where you CAN understand."

I'm sorry to everyone going through this hell. Hugs to you all.

I'm sorry too.

I understand that so many of us suffer from anxiety/panic attacks. I've had them since I was 26, they started right after my daughter was born. I've taken medication for many years which helps to some extent. But recently, I've been getting "extra" anxiety attacks every afternoon. I'm trying to deal with them without taking extra medication, but they sure are unpleasant. I've been dreaming about Chris almost every night. Sometimes he has come back to life in them. I guess what I don't deal with very well during the day, comes out at night. I, too, have read just about everything I can get my hands on regarding life after death, after death communications, etc. It was 7 months yesterday and I don't think it's getting any better. I am dreading Nov. 22 because that was the date of Thanksgiving last year and was the last time I saw my son. So I'm dreading that date AND Thanksgiving, even though it's on a different date this year. I know I still have much to be thankful for, so it's not that; it's that reality that a year will have passed since I saw my son. And I can't really even comprehend that he's dead. Sorry, but I sometimes have to use the "d" word in order to get my brain to start assimilating the reality. Not that I want to, really, but I can't escape it. Prayers and hugs to all.

Dolly I agree with Vasanthi, you need to go to the doctors.  Not to scare you but it may be more than a panic attack.  

Panic attacks. They are physical as well as mental. When you lose a child it is the ultimate loss. The grief causes panic, fear, and physical illness. It's good to go see your physician maybe they can direct you to someone who can help with all. Ignoring it as I have found makes it worse when it comes back. There are a lot of medications out there to help. The only problem is you have to try a few to figure out what works best for you. I have been taking Prozac since I was 28 because I suffer with depression due to a very traumatic childhood, and losing my child made it worse. I was grateful to be on it when my second child passed away because it kept me from going to far down. There are many different ways to cope with grief. The hard part is finding someone to teach these skills to you. I am living proof that these skills work, but you have to be ready to learn them. In the beginning everything is difficult. Nothing is right, and everyone has to figure out what works for them. The thing is, when you just had a child die your thoughts, and every thing you knew, and felt gets all jumbled up. That's what makes it so difficult to get a grip. I have said before that time is our only alli. You will take 1 step forward, and 2 steps back. That's the truth of it. Some people grieve faster than others. For some it takes a long time. You never know until it happens to you. It took me 9 years for me to get to the point were I could finally take a breath without feeling sad, or feel like my world has come to an end. I felt like it had to be my fault that he died because I felt like I was serving a life sentence. Somedays I still feel like that. I have come to the conclusion that I will never be "ok" with either one of my boys dying. So I had to find a way to live with it. The first thing I did was get rid of the why's. The why's will never be answered. The why mes turned into why does anyone have to deal with this kind of death. I have never found an answer to either question. What I did find was strength, and courage to tell myself that i'm not the only one who is suffering. I found faith. Faith that somewhere up above there's a God who cries when I cry. He hurts when I hurt, and he knows my pain, and sorrow. I thought to myself,gee why me, heck, why the son of God? The whys finally went away, and made room for the memories, memories that even death can't take away from me. I still have fear, panic attacks, and the desperate need to hold my sons. That part never goes away, but over time I have found comfort in my faith. I have found a way to live without being in so much pain every day. This is my truth. Everyone's truth is different. It's something that each one of us has to find on our own. The only advice I know is to be patient with yourselves. Talk to your Dr. and most of all look for comfort in those who are willing, and able to give it to you. Peace, and love to all.

Anne

That was beautiful.

I appreciate your sharing.

It's nice to see you have come so far, I am happy for you.

My panic attacks take me to my knees. I have to grip onto whatever is close. I try to make it to the bathroom so I can cry in the sink. I cling to the counter top as the waves of pain go through my body from the toes up, wave after wave, I can't breathe, I just howl and hold on until it passes.

I believe they are part of the grieving process.

I believe the pain that we endure is directly linked to the love we have for our child.

I believe we will see our children again.

But when you talk about "hope", I don't know what I am supposed to hope for.

I agree God gave Brandon the perfect MOM.

Anne, you give me hope.  Hope that one day I won't feel the sadness that I feel daily.  Hope that one day I will remember Michael with a smile rather than a tear.  Hope that one day I will learn to manage this. Hope that my meltdowns will become less.  Hope that one day I will be able to live again instead of just functioning. Hope that these days will come.

Jane, it's ok.  Some of us like yourself are still lost and still don't know what to do with the new us.  Just like you said it is a process.

Ok I need help with this "marriage" thing.  My fiancé asked me to marry him on Christmas morning.  Michael was spending the holiday with me so right after he asked me I went and jumped on Michael and told him Ruben just asked me to marry him.  Michael said, "I know Mom  he asked me if it was ok"  Ruben asked my son for permission and my son was happy to give it.

Of course I started making plans and of course because my father passed away I saw Michael as the one to give me away. 

That picture is gone out of my head and I haven't been able to replace it so I'm dragging my feet with setting a date.  Ruben has been patient but now and then he will ask if I thought about a date. 

While he has been patient everyone keeps asking me so now I'm feeling pressured.

I'm so afraid that when it comes time I will do nothing but cry because Michael is not there.  I don't know how to do this.  I can't even think about it without crying because my thoughts go right to Michael and how he's not here.  

this is one of those things others don't get why I'm stalled.  On my side I don't know how to get un-stalled.

Christmas sounds like the best and most holy time.. Teresa, go right ahead.. just say yes and think Micheal , your angel is always with you , wanting you to feel content and at peace.. Love to all here.