Vasanthi, what a beautiful article Craig wrote. I think you two will help each other love life gain and be able to give each other the understanding you need, Congratulations. That's amazing that you met him on this site. Truly.

Well I made it through another day.  What a roller coaster ride.  I experienced every emotion today.  Just trying to get my car recall service done and getting an inspection sticker was difficult for me.  How do people work and go through the the early grief period?  I had my daughters so late in my life.  My oldest daughter died in august at 26 and I'm a month away from 63. It doesn't make sense.   

Lynn I know how hard it is. Somedays I wonder how am I supposed to do this again? This weekend we went to an event and I saw a friend of a friend. I was telling her that my singing group has a concert this weekend in Carmel CA and we are going for a long weekend. But that it is hard for me to travel and go about things as if they are normal. Being with others constantly in close quarters is difficult for me. I need time to grieve and cry everyday. When I told her it is hard to go away and to come home she just said "Oh, still?" Really? My 17 year old died only 8 months ago. What can you say to people who don't get it? I Just said "I'm sure it will be a lovely weekend. It was nice to see you." Then I excused myself. HUgs to all...

The past year I didn't think I moved in my grief at all, but after seeing Jessy and spending time with Jessy I realize just how far I have come.

Nothing and nobody can ever take Michael out of my heart. I will continue to tell him I love him, I will continue to talk to him and I will think of him everyday. Nothing not even death can take that away from me.

I didn't really get the "you'll learn to manage the grief" in the beginning.  I couldn't see that happening, but now I get it.  I can't manage it yet but now I can at least understand it. 

Vasanthi you deserve what has come your way.  Craig's article was very touching.   

Connie my poor cousin has already learned others don't get it.  I tried to tell her to ignore the comments but she hasn't been able to.  One person wrote on her facebook about how she couldn't wait for Jessy to return to herself and how she wants her to be over this.  Jessy went off.  I had to explain to her they mean well but they don't understand this does not compare to any other loss and that none of us will ever be the same again.  I told her she should do the same thing you did....smile and walk away. 

Teresa, I'm so sorry Jessy has to experience what you--we all--are experiencing. How could a friend of hers expect her to be over her child's being murdered by his own father so quickly? She'll NEVER be over it! Prayers for you and her!

Unfortunately you find out who your friends are - the ones who will be there waiting for you no matter how long it takes. Most folks can't fathom this grief because it is their worst fear. As long as we seem to be back to "normal" then they don't have to think about the reality of death. But is a reality of life so to those who can't "go there", sorry that's too bad. We can't deny our truth just to make others feel less uncomfortable. If your cousin's friend is important to her then maybe she can explain to her it doesn't work that way or share the poem about what to do and not to do. I did that with my best friend and she appreciated it. I do have to recommend a book once again that deals with this issue in such a beautiful and right on way. It's called "Tear Soup". It really helps people understand that we all grieve in our own time and our own way.

I am sending love to everyone here today

My daughter and I have been spending a lot of time together and I'm enjoying every second of it.  At times I feel saddened because of course I think of how Michael's not here to share it or for me to tell him about it.

Yesterday while talking to her without thinking I started to tell her I needed to call Michael to .......I stopped, realized what I just said and yes cried. 

Connie I'm going to do that because when I first read the post I wanted to respond to the girl but I didn't, instead I responded to Jessy.  This will be a nice way to put it out there without targeting certain comments. 

Merry, it's hard to believe it's been that long. I'm glad you were able to make it through the day and be in a different place than during those first few months. For some reason, I seem to be backsliding, but I guess that's just part of the process.

Judy, am with you, sending lots of love to you. Have been reading and want to say so many things and go blank when i get here. Just feel everyone's pain and it is overwhelming , yet I know how brave and courageous everyone is... love to all and wishing for peace in our hearts.

Just checking in to say greetings to all!  My heart hurts with you all.

I thought I was doing so well. But the past two days I think I'm falling backwards.  Yesterday I just couldn't snap out of it.  No matter what I tried to tell myself I just couldn't get control of it.  Now I'm sitting here at 6:50am and already crying. 

Sometimes I just want to cry but have to stop crying.

My head hurts so bad, I can't bend over.

Teresa, wish I could sit with you and share the sorrow... am with you, sending you love n hugs, Dolly , you too..

Bern, I pray the headache gets ok n you feel better,taking a painkiller once in a while is ok.. Judy, the pain of seeing one's child pass away before our very eyes is the worst nightmare and worst heartache imaginable... and yes at times there is guilt of surviving when the child did not. Your counselor is right Judy Edwards... there is a purpose to being here even if we can't fathom what it is, it will get clear.. see already you are sharing and others here draw inspiration from you after the horrors you have endured, so just breathing right now is an act of bravery and for that and for sharing a very big thank you. Hang in there.. xoxoxoxox to all

Dolly, please do not feel guilty about wanting happiness and peace.. your son would want that for you more than even you.  We do not need the additional burden of useless guilt on top of everything else! Honor the love and do allow yourself to know that your son is in the best possible hands and when you are calm you will most certainly feel his presence and love overflowing in your heart. I promise you that.

Night before last was the worst night so far regarding loss of sleep. I was tormented by my mind and I just couldn't turn it off. I was thinking of Chris, his dying, my not being able to see him, so many bad and painful thoughts. I think I was disturbed, too, by a book that I thought would be comforting, but turned out to be more distressing than anything. I just wanted it all to go away and get some sleep. I am dreading November and all that it means regarding Chris. Thanksgiving, too. I feel troubled by my connection with my daughter with whom I was so close while the kids were growing up. She's so busy with her own children, as she should be, but I feel like an afterthought at best. I really believe now that I wasn't the good mom that I used to think I was. I wish I had it all to do over again so I could do things differently and get it right.

Michelle, banish the thought about not being a good mom.. we all do what we know at the time and when if we knew something better we would have done that.. so that means that all have done their best..i hate these thoughts which make one feel like a criminal.. sweetheart know that for your son, he got the best mom he could have.. and please please everyone, resolve to fight the negativity and honor the enormous love we have shared. They need our love and need to see that we cherish them so much , so much that we have to live well... happiness does lie in accepting what IS, and what is not.

Hello everyone.  Saturday will be eight weeks that Kyra is gone.  My husband is going away with his friends to a camp in northern Vermont for five days.  I have not spent a night alone without him since she died.  I used to love time alone but not now.  A friend who lost her daughter 10 years ago has invited me to stay with her thankfully.  This morning I felt so anxious but feel calmer now.  I keep crying and when I do the pain eases.  I wish my other daughter were near but that's life.  I keep telling myself someday the raw grief will ease but not anytime soon.  Michelle don't ever think you were not the best mom to your kids.  Your daughter's loves you.  Dolly and Dawn, I felt Kyra once the day of her service.  She was a farmer and her magic held off the rain until the end of the service, when there was a gentle sun shower and a double rainbow appeared over all of us.  I know she was telling everyone she was loved and happy as a spirit.  That image keeps me going and I know I will see her again when I die. Judy I didn't realize you had such physical difficulties, hugs to everyone.    

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle.I just wish he didn’t trust me so much. -Mother Teresa

thank you Vasanthi, perfect comment for how I feel today

Dolly, hugsss and hugsss and hugsss and love 

I went to a lecture this morning, the lecture was good, the speaker was funny but he kept talking about people in his life that passed away.  I had to stare at the ceiling to keep the tears from coming.  when it was over I  thought OK I handled that without a public display, I must be learning this manage thing. 

However, once I reached home the tears started to pour and I can't seem to stop them.  I went and laid on the bed and cried by myself as I stared at Michael's picture.  Then for a split second I swore I smelled him.  I smelled everything around me to see if there was something that resembled, but no.  Am I crazy or did I smell Michael?  Is he telling me he's here?  Lately I feel like I'm sliding backwards.

Thanks Lynn, I agree and am sure that Teresa did feel Micheal's presence.. am missing Micks quite desperately..:( everyone is caught up intheir own world.. and i feel very very alone:( .. where are you micky?:(

Where IS everyone?:(

Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye. -Helen Keller

I'm with you ladies, I believe it was Michael letting me know he was there.  He saw me struggling and came to my side, just like he would if he was here. 

Merry, all I can say is, EXACTLY!  

Vasanthi, sometimes for me I'm here reading but stay quite.   

Hello to all, I've just read through many of your postings and as usual, my heart hurts with you all, as I can relate to many of them. This Oct 16th will be 4 yrs since my son went to the "other" place as someone else put it, and my pain has not lessened one bit. I am just learning to live with it, I've learned to hide my pain etreemely well from those I feel like don't want to be burdened with it. It's still extremely difficult for me to even say the dreaded "d" word....died. It's still hard for me to fathom the thought that my son is in a "better" place, as many like to tell me, I just can't grasp that notion, because the "better" place for me is right here with me and all of his family and friends, enjoying his young life and still driving me crazy.....sometimes :)  I would be a liar if I said that one day I feel like I will be "ok" with this, It may be possible but I don't see that for myself in the near future. I always ask myself, how it possibly ever be ok?  How could I ever find comfort in having to bury my child? Thanks to all for any support.

Merry,

It is what our children would want. that we go on and get successful at being happy. I feel the same as Karen and all here.. other place, other side, light,etc etc is more like some tautology..I ask  with anger, 'what other place and why snatch him and make him vanish? why, why , why.. obviously doing the same things I do and ask the same questions and feel the wound inside, aching all the time 24x7, is not getting me any answers.. so now I look at it a little differently.. I decided to stop the focus on myself... i send prayers for Shreyas and all our babies here and all the ones who are reeling with this devastation and it is no exaggeration at all to say we have all received mortal blows... and yet we fight and yet we laugh and yet we live... so I trust that the good Lord will one day make all this meaningful.. and yes Brenda had once asked me,' do you believe that God can make everything ok, and yes I do, cos if I didn't, y not just swallow some pills or throw oneself from the nearest height and reach  'the other place'?

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. -Oscar Wilde

 Dolly, i really know ..just want us to mmm beat this loss with love.We have to and we must because isn't it true that the love we have given is the only love we get to keep?

I wish your husband the best Dolly.

Dick, just want you to know I'm thinking of you and your son today.

The last 13 months feels more like 13 minutes.  Just like everyone else I am struggling.  Sometimes I just want to shut down. I try to tell myself to snap out of it, but it's not easy.  Some days I cry but feel good overall and some days like today the pain in my neck and the sickness in my stomach can be overwhelming. Yet everyday I tell myself tomorrow will be better and I'm going to reach a day when I can think of Michael with happiness and not tears.

Michael looked like a tough guy and maybe he was, but he had a personality bigger than life.  No matter where he was he made everyone around him laugh and feel as though they knew him.

He had a heart of gold.  He would lend a hand to those who needed it.

He loved his family and those around him. He was Uncle Mike to all the neighborhood kids.  He was the older brother his cousin didn't have. He was his sister's protector.   He was my little Smurf.

We were very close. We talked about everything all the time. The day he left we talked for 2 hours going from one subject to the next.  He told me what he wanted in his future.

At the end of the conversation he said to me "Don't you ever get it wrong....you were always number one and you will always be my number one!" I can hear him saying the words.

In closing I told him, "If anything every happened to you or your sister I'd never be able to breathe again." He responded with, "the same here Mom." We said I love you and hung up.  I haven't been able to breathe since.

Now I reflect and I feel like God gave me that conversation as a good bye. 

Today is 13 months. I miss him so badly.  I just want to talk to him. I want to see his smile. 

Teresa, its so nice to hear your description of Micheal.. I Love him and how blessed that such angels share our life with us.. I am sure he is always going to be there for you..love's promises are never empty so I know that you will feel his love always and he will always have your love as his cloak around him... hugssss

None of this will ever be ok. It will always be painful, heart wrenching, and unbelievable. I wont forget, I will never be the same, and I will always yearn for my children. On Oct. 17th my little boy will be gone for 15 years. I cant change it, I cant bring him back, and I will always miss him, and wonder what kind of person he would've gown into. That's the reality of it. So what do I do? Stop living, stop taking care of the children that are still with me? People don't want to talk about it, and they don't care how far I have come. So what do I do? No one wants to hear about the good stuff or the bad stuff. So someone please tell me what I am supposed to do? Would my sons want me to live the rest of my life in grief, and sadness? Absolutely not. If I'm not grieving than I must not have loved them enough? Where do I go from here? Why is it so wrong to have hope? Is it realistic to think that I can survive under this cloak of tragedy? Am I a bad mother because I choose to find positive ways to survive? Please tell me, because i'm not getting it.

Hello everyone, Dawn, I hope all went well with you meeting his daughter, what a blessing, one that I wish I had, sending hugs to you and all.

Hey Anne, I have asked myself many of your same questions, I'm sure many of us on this site have, I wish there was an answer, we are all on this journey together but we may take short cuts or different roads, there is no concrete route for us to stick to, no one can judge the way someone grieves. I still have more, than not, moments of guilt when I realize that I'm having "fun" or if I laugh at a funny joke, I still can't dance, something I once enjoyed, without feeling guilty, I imagine that my son is saying "hey, mom, what about me, what are you doing?". And other times, to move forward, I convince myself that my son can't handle seeing me in all this pain and grief, so I pretend that he's "fine" and that this was all my imagination, just crazy examples of this roller coaster ride I've been on. None of us signed up for this crap, we just have to take on the day, day by day, somehow we get through the day.

Anne,

As usual in the morning as soon as I wake up, i come here and see what everyone is saying and how they are feeling. I then went to do the dusting and was in my bedroom, where i have a framed pic of my son smiling at me. Next to that is a small calendar which has daily sayings but no 'year' on it and I had got that when I went to get my son's things back from Dubai where he was working when the accident happened and he passed on.Everyday I take it as a message to me when i flip the page and see whats it for the day.. Today it said, " A mother is a picture of God's Love"... I hope this answers our questions..It was so appropriate to my thoughts at the moment and this happens almost everyday that the train of thought and questions which spring forth find answers.. love to all here.

Dawn enjoy meeting Stephen's daughter.  I would give anything for some girl to knock on the door and introduce me to a child that belongs to Michael.  Dawn one day you will sit and tell them all about their dad.  You can tell them who he was and what he was like. 

Dolly I sometimes wonder too.....are our kids in heaven, saying Hey that one is my mom.

I won't lie I melted down yesterday, but today I'm going to work real hard on getting focused. 

Anne, I find myself asking the same question, What do I do now? 

LOVE to you allllllll -   Thinking of all of our children that deserved more time here with us!!!!!  HUGssss

DAWN-O   -  Ohhhh that is so wonderful.....       What a LOVELY gift from your son....  ((( hugs )))

Dolly, its all so difficult:( 

Boy oh boy, Dolly, you said it so perfectly when you said, " having to defend myself, even indirectly through silence and pretending to be OK... is just more than I can do .... or even WANT to do... and its NOT just that I'm focusing only on ME and my pain... its just that the fact that I will never see my son again in this life is SOOO traumatizing to me that nothing else seems to be able to dispel the helplessness and the confusion in this life I'm now in......", I know exactly what you mean, I get tired of trying to pretend that I'm "ok" just so others won't feel uncomfortable. It's amazing to me that some people, the "lay" people as I often refer them to, meaning the ones that have never had to bury their child, still are shocked with my answer for the occasional question , the "HOW ARE YOU?", which is I'm NOT good and when they ask me why, what's wrong and I remind them that my son son passed away, they respond with such a shocking look on their faces and say to me, coldly, " hasn't that been some years now, you're still not dealing with it?". Ooh how that makes me want to scream sometimes, I immediately burst into tears as I explain that I will never ' GET OVER IT'.  I still feel like I'm just existing, like I'm alive but not living, like I'm trying to follow the script to appear to be ok. Depending on my mood at that moment and who the person is, directs my comments back to them. Certain people I don't like to make them feel uncomfortable and others, I don't care. The lay people just don't get it, there's no laws or rules or time limits for your grief and mourning. Thanks to all on this site who unfortunately, GET "IT".

My husband has been at his camp for four days with some of his friends.  Yesterday I was feeling lonely.  When I told me I was upset, he asked me why.  I wanted to scream at him "maybe because our daughter Kyra died eight weeks ago". Instead I broke into sobs and told him I couldn't talk to him now.  
Fortunately I was with a good friend who lost her daughter 10 years ago and understands completely.  We stopped at the beautiful field where Kyra's memorial service was and sat on the grass while I tried to regain the strength I had when everyone was there to comfort us.  She helped me with some breathing exercises and I calmed down. My husband thinks by pretending nothing has changed and refusing to talk is driving me crazy.  Thank god I have good friends and she a counselor.  I no we grieve differently but he seems like a stone. Tonight I go to meditation and that calms me too.  I just can't face never seeing her smiling face in the flesh again.

Dear Dolly,

Are you angry with me? Just asking because I feel bad that I spoke of positive things that have worked for me. I just want to help, and also help myself at the same time. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone. I didn't mean to. Honest.

Hello Moms.  I noticed that no one missed me.  Not sure if that is a good or bad thing.  I haven't been on this wall in some time.  Been stuck in one of the pot holes along this road we are traveling.  Seems to be taking a little longer this time to get out.

I've read most if not all of the comments and I'm always happy to hear a little something good that has happened with one of you.  And of course I feel sad reading the painful feeling comments.  I've been in them all at one time or another.  We all have or will during this journey.

I really like to post when I'm doing better.  I want others to know that there will be better days.  Slowly they come, and then quickly they go.  But for shorter periods of time usually.  I think we have to face the fact that this is our life now.  I know I do.  I thought it would just keep getting better and better until the bad parts disappeared, but I now believe we will always have those other episodes.  Maybe not as intense but how can we not.

I read an article today about a word for a grieving parent.  It's Vilomah.  A parent whose child has died.  I'm posting the article in my Discussions: Writings or Pictures to Ponder.

I don't know if any of you have looked there, but I am doing it for me as a kind of therapy and maybe something can help someone else to see that what they are feeling is not strange or abnormal for grief.

I could rattle on tonight being I'm in such a stressed state right now, but I won't.  Please say a prayer for me, as I always pray for all of you.  I definitely need some divine help right now.

Sending love and blessings to all.

Anne, don't ever feel bad about having a positive response.  In my first year those positive things I read from others helped keep me going.  Vasanthi even posts uplifting words.  I also try to bring some positive light when I can.  Especially to the ones that are new to this life.

Karen R, I am glad to see you back.  I was a little worried about you.

Dawn, I smile for you.  I hope you will be blessed with a loving relationship.

May you all have a peaceful night/day.