Anne, you are right.. there is no need for some more regret added on to everything else-- we will write what we feel like and thats that.

Should we go with the group email suggestion?

To ensure privacy.

I would be more comfortable. When we reply, we could use reply to all so that everyone is still on the same page.

I tried a different web site before finding this one. I only wrote on it once. I was so desperate. Before I knew it, my sister-in-law sent me a message about her reading it. I was horrified that I had just poured my most personal feelings out for the world to see. I know nothing is safe. But I had no idea outsiders could google us here also.

I just thought everyone should know.  Some may feel affected and some may not.  Those who don't write anyone's name fully, your safe. Those of us that did we're the ones exposed.  Any name you wrote in full can be found on this site if googled. 

I too fall apart every once in a while. I think when my boys died falling apart is going to be a part of me I'll never get rid of. Although the falling down is less. and less, it still happens. I don't fall as far as I used to, but none the less I still fall. It's ok. It took me a while to get better control when I'm around other people because they really don't understand. Those who have not walked in my shoes no nothing of my pain. So I have learned to be in better control in front of others, but when i'm alone I let it all hang out. I yell, scream, cry, kick furniture, and whatever it takes to get it out without harming myself or anyone else. I have changed so much since my first boy died. I am a lot more private, and I write a lot. I am at a place now where I can talk about it, answer question, and shed a tear here and there. It takes a long time to get to this point. When I get asked questions I still tear up. What mother wouldn't ! I don't have any problem shedding a few tears when people want to ask me things about it. I am human, I have a heart, one that's been badly broken, but I think if I don't feel anything then I'm not living. I have to live. I want my children here, and in heaven to know that I loved them so much that I will work hard for all of them. Besides I know my boys, and I'm sure I'm doing the right thing. I think if I don't let my feelings out in one way or another I wouldn't be able to live. The bad feelings to me are like poison, and if I don't get them out I get sick, mentally, and physically. So I say let it out! In the beginning when I would fall, and it just happens there's no warning, I started to learn who really cared about me, and who was pretending. Hurt on top of hurt. The people who care about me are the one's who didn't talk or gossip when I had a melt down. The others I cut out of my life including my sisters. Everything changed when my child died, and then again when my second child died. I feel I have earned the right to shed a tear now and then, and if I need to have a melt down, well then so be it! You are all in my heart!

I think we can just change our names to our first name or initials. I changed mine because I never thought it wasn't secure unless you joined first.

But thanks for the heads up! Hugs to everyone

ok  will change ... just initials? or we add some nickname ?

Anne, HUGS!!!!

Anne

Thank you

xxoo

DAWN-O .. what a terrible experience-- one of my 'best friends' , soon after I got the news was on the phone and I was rambling on about how Micks was always proud of me and for that I  have to show strength blah blah  and she said, " are you mad? this is the time to grieve", I said I must be mad then and put the phone down and haven't spoken to her since.. so I  know how much another s insensitivity can hurt-- hugsss to you.

Anne, hugssss xoxoxo and to all here who are so much a part of my life .. lots of love.

Dawn - that's horrible. I am so sorry you had to even find that message! I had a couple of comments by strangers in reference to the car accident my son was in that were hurtful and misinformed. So sorry.

Some people are just plain ignorant. You can't take their ugly words to heart, because it can set you way back. It doesn't matter how the accident happened. It happened, and other people have no right to judge. My 12 year old son burned to death in a car that my oldest son was driving. Word around town was they wondered how I would punish him. a friend of mines daughter was killed in a car accident, and all I did was ask her father to go to her, and hug her and he told me that all I think about is my burned up kid in the cemetery. so you see people can be cruel. If it had happened to their child You can bet they wouldn't want anyone talking like that about their child. I try to ignore some of it, but there are times when I remember those nasty words, and they hurt. They always seem to come into my mind when i'm already down, and out. My father in law told me if I was a better mother my boys would still be alive, and although I know that's not true normally, when I'm down they repeat in my head, over, and over. There will always be ignorant people, but there are no ignorant humans here!

I don't care how someone's child passed away, the pain is no less for any of us.  We all know there are insensitive people.  I had another incident one time where people jumped to their own conclusions and then shared them as if they were fact.  When the facts were all in not one of them apologized for any thing they said.  When Michael passed away I knew right away some would do the same with his death.  This time I knew to block it out as much as I could.  But let's be real, it still hurts when others have things to say.

It's just disgusting.

My daughter died seven weeks ago and the mornings are the worst.  Waking up and it floods back that she is gone forever.  I wake up in a cold sweet every morning.  Its as if I have stored all these tears all night and they need to be released.  I have been drinking ensure during the day because I can only get food down at dinner.  I worry constantly about my other child who is only 23 and lives 2,000 miles away.  I guess this is my new normal.

My daughter died seven weeks ago and the mornings are the worst.  Waking up and it floods back that she is gone forever.  I wake up in a cold sweet every morning.  Its as if I have stored all these tears all night and they need to be released.  I have been drinking ensure during the day because I can only get food down at dinner.  I worry constantly about my other child who is only 23 and lives 2,000 miles away.  I guess this is my new normal.

Lynn I just read your post my son been gone 5 months and, I two go thru waking up then realizing that oh my God he gone he's really gone.

We are all in some type of pain no one judge's what you say because in one way are another we going thru the pain as you are.  I'll pray for you  yours is so knew I remember when it was that knew for me.  I was numb at times would fly off the handle over little things,  And the ties flowed like a major river.  I'm here for you if you need to chat 

I'm truly sorry for your loss. 

judy Edwards

I am amazed at how we all think of the time they are gone like how we described their early years of life.  They are always are babies no matter when they are taken from us.  

I think about moms whose children are on death row. That must be horrendous, and I don't think they love their children any less. When a child is born it is perfect to their mother. The whole time they're growing up, to mom they are perfect. I believe God did that on purpose, so he could be sure that children are loved no matter what. they will always be our babies. The love between a parent, and a child is a love that endures even death. Peace to your hearts, courage for your souls, and wisdom for your spirit.

Lynn I fully understand.  Every morning I would wake up hoping it was all just a bad nightmare.  And when I realized it wasn't I would just cry all over again. 

Lynn we are here for you.  We are all at different stages but none of us forget those first few days, weeks, or months. 

One thing I can tell you...for me this site is a lifeline.  I can't start my day without checking in.  Everyone here has helped me along in one way or another. 

It saddens us that you have joined the group but at the same time we are glad you found us. 

Thank you Teresa,  I do go hour by hour now and knowing I am not alone helps.

not a good day:( 

Lynn, how difficult and desolate a time-- I fully know how you feel and completely empathize-- just know that you are not alone however lost and lonely you feel ok? hugssss to you.Here you can share exactly what you feel and please know that the responses are not empty words but heartfelt understanding. Thinking of you and prayers are being sent to ease your pain.

Thinking of everyone today and sending rays of California sunshine to you all! Such a beautiful time of year and  all I can think of is how much Daniel loved it. I had a surprise visit from his best friend and another friend who was in the car with him the night he was killed.  It had been so long since they had come by and it was so good to see them. The house is so quiet without Daniel and his mansize buddies coming in and out. I felt like some were my own kids too. Now they are all gone. So I was feeling especially lonely and sad that I hadn't seen them last week and low and behold they show up. Thank you God for letting them have the strength. Because I know it is hard for them to come over even though they care and want to see us - it's hard to see his room and expect him to walk in. They spent so much time over here. They had life plans with my son. They were going to a nearby college and getting an apartment together. These boys are also shattered in their own way. I am thankful they came. And I know Daniel was here too. God I miss him so much. How can it ever stop hurting so bad?

Connie, Thinking of you.  Daniel's friends care for you very much and I am sure he was with you all in spirit.  It must be so hard going into his room and knowing he is gone physically.  My daughter left Vermont after college and never moved back home.  One of our hall closets is filled with belongings she didn't need out west, but I have not been able to go through them.  Does a time come when you can look through photo albums?   Every time I see her photos on our walls and surfaces I break down and cry but I need to see them and think of her.  Have you left Daniel's room as he was when he was alive?  Do you feel peace and good memories when you sit among his treasures.

Thinking of you and sending a hug.

Dolly (wink wink) I too am having an issue with Michael's things.  Michael was known for his Team Jerseys.  I have them hanging in the closet. My daughter came up with the idea of having a quilt made out of them.  I thought that is great!  Instead of them being in a closet I can wrap myself in them.  Well it was a great idea until she went to take them.  I broke down.  I laid them out on my bed, fell into them and cried.  I had to explain to her that this is a process.  I left the room and she quickly put them back.  I went in the room and quickly took them back out and put them on the bed.  I know she put them away because she saw how sad it made me but this is something I have to do.  I'm going to keep one for myself and let her get a quilt made out of the rest.  But I have to do this slowly.  Today they will lay across my bed until I am able to let go.

Lynn it's ok we do what we need to do.  I kept the last piece of paper Michael wrote on.  Smallest thing ever but I will never let it go.

I had a rough night couldn't sleep and then had a hard time getting out of bed this morning.  Its gray outside here in Vermont.  Today is eight weeks that she is gone.  I feel so empty a lot of the day. How do you get through this.  

Lynn,

Put one hand in god's and hold on to your daughter with the other hand... I do such things and have felt the love and protection... I don't know if this will help:( I feel so bad that apart from sending you love and healing , nothing much can really be done..love to you.

Vasanthi, that's what I do when I'm alone in the car and need to keep the tears at bay.  I ask Michael and God to hold my hands.  I even go as far to put my hand on the seat. 

Lynn, the only way to make it down this road is one minute at a time.  My heart is wrapped around you right now.

Dolly there's that beautiful smile again.  The other day I went to visit an Arc site and thought about Brandon all the way through.  It's like everyone's kid is becoming mine.

My daughter waited for me to leave the house and took the Jerseys.  I thought I was going to die.  She left 4 of them in my closet, once she let me know this I was ok.  I know the quilt is a great idea but it was about me being able to let go of those jerseys.  Once it is done I will be able to wrap myself with Michael. 

My cousin Jessy is suppose to come over today.  Not real sure how I'll handle the visit.  But to this point I seem to be able to put myself aside to listen to her.  I have a feeling today will be filled with tears and since I'm already crying I doubt I'm wrong.

Your son looks so happy and loved in this picture Dolly.  Teresa thank you for the hugs.   

Lynn you a few months behind me I lost mine on May 1st at 12:20pm

I crawl up in a ball and cry every first of the month.  I can't get out of bed I'm Paralyzed.  Then for me for about two weeks I go numb.  Then I carry on and get things done.  My partner told today one days I'll be able to handle Matthew's passing.  I told straight up no I won't.

Maybe I will but I'm in the stage of denial I think.  Matthew was 32 years old and I see him as a child right now in my memory's.  So honey I'm lost in the middle of the grieving stages and I can't tell which one.  I hope this help knowing there other who are going thru what you are.  So I believe together somehow some one will make your day a little are trying to get thru the pain  Judy E.  

If someone can help me turn my picture the right way I be ever so grateful Judy Edwards

Judy I am thankful I retired from teaching in June I would not have the ability to be around 7th and 8th graders all day.  I work in the garden when it is sunny and I walk when I can. I am not looking forward to winter.  My heart is shattered, and still asking why at least 10 times a day or is she in a safe place and trying to talk to me.  

On this day at 2pm, on October 6th, 2007, I had to say good bye to my first born child, my oldest son, my good buddy, and my closest confidante Ben. I know he is looking down at me today, and saying thanks for not shutting down, and crying all day. I miss him so much, but my soul has finally calmed down enough over the years that I can feel him wherever I go. I can finally do what I know he would want me to do, and that is live, love, laugh, and help others. I have learned much over the years. Once again I am a different person. Bens life, and death has taught me many lessons. My youngest daughter sent me a txt this morning with a picture of my granbabies, and a note that said happy sunday! It warmed my heart because since the accident she did not want me even to talk about Ben around her. So I gave her some space, and now she made the first move to me to be able to start to talk about him! I have waited 6 years for this. I called her later, and asked her if I would be being a terrible mother if I didn't grieve today. she said mom for Ben he would feel disrespected if I were to grieve for him today. She said she's sure Ben would prefer  I celebrate his life. She also said that I have grieved, and struggled long enough, and now it's time for me to put down my grief, and start living so that I have good memories to take with me when I see him again. I don't know when that girl became so wise. I'm not telling all of you this to hurt anyone. Most of you are very new at this, and you need to give yourselves time to go through all the things, and feelings you have to go through to get to where I am. I just wanted to give you some hope that it is possible to feel the sunshine again. That it is possible to survive the ultimate pain of losing a child. It's not easy. It's a very long hard road, and the work is exhausting, but it's possible. I'm here to tell you that the first time I lost a child the only thing that saved me was the passing of time. I will never forget all of the trauma, and insanity of it all, especially the first 5 years, but time has seem to wash away the rough edges of the pain, and sorrow. When you are new to this awful tail spin it takes a while to be able to start sorting things out. I will never be the same person I was when my first child died, and I'm certainly not the person I was 6 years ago when my Ben died. I guess what i'm trying to say to all of you whom I adore to please, be patient with yourselves. You have every right  to grieve, and to do so in your own way, and at your own pace. There's just no getting around grieving our children. The only way is to go through it. I will never stop missing my sons, nor will my love for them ever fade. I know I will still have days of grief, sadness, and deep sorrow, but I will accept them and make the most of every good day I can.  Dear Ben, I miss you very much. I know when I speak to you, you hear me because I can feel your warmth near me. I promise I will keep on working hard to move on, and to keep our family happy, and loved! Until we meet again, Mom Loves You!

I want so much to reach where you are Anne.  I know it is a process and one day I will realize I am there.  Thank you for sharing and for the hope you give me.

Something changed after my son's passing. Morning assemblies became torturous. I did that for one year and then just could not face another day in the classroom or school.I followed my heart and faced the loss of my darling son ,my best friend and companion, the one who always but always silently exulted at every success and stood like a rock at every failure..my only son and having no siblings and being a single parent my whole world..faced that my whole world had crashed and kept asking him," Micks, what do we do now?" Sometimes the peace I felt through it all was so strong and The love we had between us gave me strength...The trust I place in God my entire life showed up as the grace given to me to withstand this worst nightmare. I read up all I could lay my hands on whether it was the Tibetan book of the dead to Brian Wiess to Khurshed Bhavnagari to Vedanta.. slowly i realized that each and every book, holy books, scriptures all say the same thing.. What is the essence can never die and what is temporary will die.. the body is like a temporary shelter.. a home if you may, while one journeys in this school called 'life'... that lesson seeped into me and I knew that heyy no one dies, its just a kind of a shedding and the shedding is another event , just like birth...this became crystal clear..How else after that could I have remained sane, could I have felt the peace and joy Shreyas was sending my way especially knowing that all I have now in the world is my parents who are old and who don't really understand me though they try! My best relationship had just dissolved into thin air!

A resolve happened then, that come what may all I will now do is use myself to somehow benefit others.. I trusted that opportunities to do so will manifest as the intention and resolve is strong.. i did a mental giving up to God and said whatever comes, whoever comes is sent by you and allow me to serve to the best of my capacity. The day I was in Dubai to get my son back to India for his last rites, I had looked on with great pain at him lying helplessly in a strange place and even at that time I felt that he was extolling me to hold on and not crumble. Shreyas because of his intense love for me always hated to see me in any negative frame of mind and when I rarely did show that, I could always see concern flaring in his eyes.I promised him then that 'mummy will be brave, mummy will never let you down, mummy will always live what she taught you'

I made a decision to continue to trust the providence which put me here on earth ..Suddenly another angel walks into my life, Craig... and I was the wary one always . My first marriage when I was 20 till i was 35 was a distasteful experience, being married to a man who was so highly critical and fault finding had exhausted me. I never wanted to be married ever again.Slowly now seeing the integrity and love in Craig, I am able to trust him with my whole heart. Here we are , two sufferers along life's way and we land plonk into each others life , though we are separated by half the physical world! Craig has come here and met my parents and aunts and cousins.. They all love him which is in itself so amazing as I had not expected this open- hearted welcome. He is a man of integrity and that comes across, a quiet and gentle soul, trusting  in me totally.

the good news is that my Visa has been approved and before the month end will be in the States . I would love for whoever is interested in meeting up to have a quiet get together for our babies, our cherished beautiful children.. I feel the loss of every child here as though it is my loss, like they are my babies. Maybe sometime in December? A quiet small get-together to share and meet?

Dolly, once I am there , will post and we can all decide on where..most likely craig's place near Boston.. if that is not ok we can all decide on the next best option.. just want to meet all here and have a quiet day or two .. I can arrange for the meeting.. if even one or two more are there our home is open to you.

We will exchange emails as I wont post details like we all agreed on the site .. will give my yahoo  messenger details individually to anyone interested and we can chat there .. Is that ok? or if anyone has a better idea please let us know. xoxoxoxo

Vasanthi, I am so happy that you were able to get a visa and come see your new angel Craig.  It is wonderful to have someone come into your life that can bring comfort and joy.  Dolly, my husband is always in motion too, cutting wood for winter, and any other project he can find to do around the house.  It is hard to talk to him about what is going on in my head and do most of my crying alone or with my counselor.

Vasanthi, it would be good to get together, depending, of course, on where it is. I'm happy that things are falling into place for you. How did you meet Craig?

Vasanthi, As usual an inspiring post. I am also on that same path. I have been reading, reading and studying Vedante and going to Ashram for a few months. I struggle to hold tight to the truth that they live on. Because I still selfishly want him here, with me, in this life. I am so happy you will be together with Craig soon. If at all possible ,meeting would be wonderful but I am on the westcoast. But please let me know via e-mail. God bless everyone.

Connie, yes, it will be so lovely to see you all sometime in the near future, and to share with those who can truly understand this .of course we want our children, of course , oh god just wish that somehow we could.. its not at all a selfish wish, it is an agony we have to deal with and yet live intelligently! somehow!

Michelle, once I am there and settle down a bit, will email all those interested.. I met Craig here on this site. He had written something very beautiful about 'delayed grief reaction' as he was struggling with the pain of it all. I started talking to him and in about a week max, we knew we couldn't 'lose' each other. The entire getting to know process never felt strange or forced and having met on this site , I took it as a guidance to me.am sharing the link to Craig's article.. I'm sure all here can empathise

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/05/voices-of-experience-delaye...

Good afternoon to all hope you doing Ok. I'm just checking in so you know I'm still around.  Have the best day you can.

Hello to all, I haven't been on in  LONG time, at least a long time by my standards. I've been going through a phase where I've tried to convince myself that my son is perfectly 'fine' and that absolutely nothing happened to him, he's alive and well somewhere where we can't contact each other......so how could I be a part of a group such as this, sounds crazy, I know but I really tried because I was desperately out of control with my pain and anger, still, yes, even after all this time. I told myself that this group is for parents that lost their child and my experience was just a nightmare, my imagination ran wild but it wasn't a reality, so I just couldn't get on.  Well, it didn't work! I still can't accept it, I still hope that he will walk through the door and say "mom, hey, it's me., I'm home, let me tell you about the big mistake they made!", my heart will forever be broken. This is too much, I guess I'm learning to live with it.

Just want to say hello to all and any new members who may have joined since my absence.

Vasanthi, I read Craig's blog and it was inspirational. What a kind, tender soul. I'm so glad that you two have connected! You, too, are amazing, intuitive, and kindhearted; I'm sure many good things are in store for you. Don't you think Shreyas had a hand in your meeting?