Dearest Michelle, my heart goes out to you today. There is little I can say but that you are not alone and that the love between you and your child will never die. Sending hugs and prayers to you and everyone

Marilyn, I know music really opens the soul. I know how sad it can make you because of that. I used to sing "Sweet Baby James" to Daniel at bedtime when he was little and when I hear that song I crumble. Then a few months ago I realized that in the lyrics it says "Now the 1st of December was covered with snow...." He died on Dec 1. Sometimes I really do wonder if there is a grand plan. If that really was "his time" or the result of a senseless, reckless act by the driver of the car he died in. Or would he have died anyway? So many questions all the time. But I do find solace and beauty and truth in music. I wanted to share these lyrics to a Warren Zevon song he wrote while he was dying. You have probably heard this before as it was a very popular song

Here it is:

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on
your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Keep me in your heart for awhile

Thinking of you all .. u r all in my heart... want to write and there is a lot to say but i feel like i want to write more at leisure ... so will at another time-- love and hugs to all n prayers too.

I dreamt about my son last night but throughout the dream I kept on thinking thank God you are back but then I woke up

Geraldine, how nice to get the dream.. anything even a little small glimpse is such a blessing.. i yearn for that...when i first got the news on the phone, i thought.." God U made a horrible mistake, reverse it please-- it cant be-- he is such a good boy, did u make a mistake as people say God doesn't make a mistake, but if you have reverse it pleaseeee"... its all like something burnt me --my heart n body was burning.... i wonder often where is he NOW... how when all his life we spoke every day , right from the time of conception, why this silence now... /i tell him sometimes,' don't be so mean, you know without you , the world isn't the same.....' he comes in my dreams too... love to you all here ... i admire Anne, who having lost 2 sons is reaching out to others-- hats off Anne.. will do the same and make my life one which will be of use to others-- that is the medicine needed now.. Jane, Connie, Marilyn,Michelle, Teresa... and all whom i havent named as there are so many wonderful people who are suffering so much.. my heart goes out to you all and i feel and wish that everyday gets a bit lighter than the previous one-- our children are with us... love to them and all of you.

Good Morning Everyone

xxoo

You are not alone..................

Geraldine...HUGS

Dawn...all I can say is HUGS to you and your husband.  I know that was hard for the two of you but I also know it was something both of you needed to do.

I hit a hump yesterday. I was asked to write a short bio to introduce myself in the newsletter at the new job.  Okay, not a problem.  So I thought. 

Because I have always worked with families I always include a line or two about being a parent and about my own kids.

Well......I just didn't know how to write it yesterday. 

I am and always will be the proud parent of 2. 

In conversation I have hit this hump too. 

I have always spoke of my kids and I will continue to.

But just like the day with my new neighbor.  I was speaking of my kids as I always did and when she asked me how old they were I said Zenia is 25 and Michael would have been 30.  With that she excused herself from the conversation. 

Do I use past tense or present tense?

Do I just exclude it?

I need to find a new way of including them without it reading, "one is dead". 

Teresa.... i have the same problem-- call it denial or reality who knows whats real... yesterday i had to go quite far n had met a friend and her friend came into the house when we were speaking of Shreyas.. He said , " first of all let me tell you how sorry I am about your son"... I looked at him and nodded because what can i say, "it's ok?"... then I thought ,' Don't be sorry.. he is always fine... I simply cant think of Shreyas as anything but vibrantly alive.. ', in fact I feel sorry for people who think of those who have passed on as 'dead'.Imagine one sentence and i think for hours on it! again when people ask me( apart from very close ones) ,'how are you?' , I never know how to respond.. should I go into a diatribe about how exactly I am? or should I say ,'fine' and feel like a liar?... oh god -- i wish us all peace that passeth all understanding because we are all dealing with things that passeth all understanding..so that's the least god can do for us.

Mary, it will go well, Gary is with you..hugs.

Good morning....I haven't been around in awhile...suffering with my daughter's death and my husband's who passed on her birthday almost 3 years ago...Tomorrow is my daughter's 16 anniversary of her death ..she was 21 ..married...almost finished college and ready to have babies...and she was taken in a second...she was not viewable...so none of us ever got closure...I still watch her sisters grieve...I have her in a place in my heart that I can live with....It does happen eventually.....but you no one can always contain it...at least I can't not even after 16 years.....I have cried the last 3 mornings...will go to the cemetary tomorrow and I know once I sit and talk to her ..I will feel better....until...her birthday and my late husband's anniversary come up again on the same day..it will be 3 years this year..last year it was hard..the first year I dissociated....hoping and praying for every parent who has lost a child to at least find peace...I think that's all we will ever get out of this horror......God bless...Angel

Not exactly Marilyn...I actually can leave the room...and then an hour later have no clue as to what was discussed or who was even there..It happened the night my daughter passed..when the police called...I can still 16 years later see myself on the other side of the room....talking on the phone...when it hurts too bad....I leave...I can be and have been physically talking to someone and have no recollection of the conversation..if I'm dissociated......did this help? I think you are talking about  detaching...

Seems like we're all struggling a lot these past few days...more than usual. I have a hard time writing and keeping up with posts on weekends, because it's the only time I see my husband. He wasn't feeling well this weekend, either physically or emotionally, and I just didn't have much left to give. (He's not Chris' dad so his emotional stuff was only peripherally related to Chris.) I just want to crawl in a hole and come out when I'm feeling better. Loving thoughts to everyone.

Mary, so GLAD your party went well!!! I hope you and Michael connected in a very positive way. I'm happy you had loving family to surround you and that you were able to talk and laugh about Gary.

Mary so glad you could enjoy your family and feel the love!

Checking in....  LOVE  to you all -   

Marilyn, so glad you and hubby got good news on the blood test. Hoping the next one will be absolutely normal!

just a quick message-- love to you all... been a frayed day:(

Love to you, too, Vasanthi!

Marilyn and Dawn it must be hard to clean their rooms out.  HUGS!

Marilyn I'm also glad things went well for your hubby.

Mary I am so glad you were able to share time with your family and enjoy the memories with smiles. 

Vasanthi, hope today is not as frayed as yesterday.

Dawn what a houseful.  I know you didn't but I smiled as I pictured the scene in your kitchen.  It reminded me of the time Michael at the age of 13 had friends spend the night and I woke up to potatoes all over the kitchen.  They decided in the middle of the night to make mashed potatoes and used a blender without putting a lid on it.  Potatoes flew everywhere.  I was so mad when I woke up and found their mess they didn't even try to clean up.  Now I laugh and wish I could wake up to one of Michael's disasters.

Love to everyone.

Having so much anxiety about September 14th coming.  Is it me?  I can't stop hearing that phone call in my head.  For those that are further am I going to re-live it?  I'm so scared and I don't know why.

Teresa - It's not you.  I think we all have that dread. Mine is Dec.1 We are already talking about where we are going to go for Christmas. And the holidays just seem like looming torture. How can it be that time keeps going? That he hasn't come home? How can it be? I think the grief we anticipate is scary. But the reality that this is how it is for the rest of out lives is the worst. Just know we are all thinking of you and sending prayers. God bless and be with everyone.

Teresa, I sure can understand the dread you feel with the coming of September. I am already dreading Thanksgiving this year...and November 22, despite it's the day my husband retires...because Thanksgiving (11-22) was the last time I got to see my son Chris before he died in March. And as I type the word "died," it seems impossible that I use that word about my son!

I got something in an e-mail from a friend today that I haven't yet looked at but the e-mail mentioned Fred Astaire being in it and, despite being a young man, Fred Astaire was always my son's favorite actor, even when Chris was a teenager. My initial thought was, "Oh, I'll watch it and then forward it to Chris," only to have my breath taken away when I realized immediately that Chris is no longer around to forward it to.

just to say thinking of all here.. was down with some stomach infection, so an upset tummy with slight fever and a headache hasn't made for any kind of peace the last 2 days--missed my son too much , keep crying in bn ..at all odd times, and so many more things to deal with :(... i read everything here in between and can really say how much my heart goes to all here --we r struggling so much with a new reality-- new and undesirable and so against the norm... 

Michelle.. i know when the man isnt the biological father his issues wont relly have much to do with our baby.. its difficult but the world isnt really perfect-- just kind of thank god for having supportive ones around even if at times they don't appear supportive-- easy to say i know.. so difficult ...Dawn Opfer....hope for lots of love for you with your family and to all others here too...love and peace in our daily lives... Thanks Teresa and hope slowly we can all feel more peace with each passing day-- Mary... i know how difficult it is to just extend of ourselves right now-- i can understand so well-- u must be screaming inside... maybe just say , i'm sorry imnot fit rt now for anything and let someone more happier do it-- later it can all be done ... u r in my prayers,

Marilyn, what a lovely owl..mmm...imagine it saved u all -- who knows isnt it? ... wherever our children are i desperately hope that alls ok... what if he needs me?:( 

vasanthi, I was lucky when I married Bill that he was a widower because he can understand what grief does to a person. He is generally very supportive, thank the good Lord. I, too, have been sick, fighting a summer cold, with sore throat and cough. I managed to lock my keys in the car the other day and had to pay to get it unlocked. My brain just isn't functioning the way it used to. I get easily distracted even when I think I'm "with it."

Recently on the news, I heard of two children drowning within days of each other: a six year old boy, and yesterday, an eight year old girl. I can only imagine the parents' grief.

Mary, taking care of yourself is, I hope, your first priority. It might normally be easier to deal with your cousin, but you're dealing with a lot of feelings. Only you will know if it's the right thing for you, or if you're doing it to please someone else. Sometimes we "people pleasers" have to set limits for our own well-being, and that's not being selfish.

You all are so dear! Though we may never meet in this lifetime, you are special and precious to me. You are my lifeline! Prayers and hugs to everyone!

Marilyn my new job is assisting students with developmental disabilities.  Everyday I will think of Bradon.  Your last post will stay with me as advice.

Thank you to all for trying to help me deal with the one year mark.  I just don't want it to come.

Michelle, just recently my daughter's friend lost his sister and two of her children.  They were crossing the street when a car racing hit them.

I cried and prayed for them because I knew the pain I felt was even greater for this family. 

Every time I hear of another family I think of those first few months and how hard they were.  Feeling physically sick, forgetting the smallest things, overwhelming sense of fear, numb to the world, etc.  I look back to the first few months and realize I was not present in my own body.  To think of someone else experiencing this is just sad.

Things are still difficult but not as bad as those first few months. 

As I'm sitting here George Zimmerman's wife was interviewed.  This is the very first time I heard anyone from the Zimmerman's apologize to Trayvon's parents.  Hopefully one day George himself will realize what he took from that family. 

Mary I went through the same thing.  I didn't want to be around groups of people.  I couldn't handle their happiness.  Two of my dearest friends right after I lost my Michael had baby showers for their daughters.  Both asked me to make the umbrella's.  Each one was made with tears.  I attended but stood off to the side because I couldn't handle seeing them get what I will never have.  Because they are my good friends they understood and left me alone in my little corner. 

Yes I just have a bunch of rambling thoughts today.    

Oh Dawn.. this is so difficult and terrible.... am sure Stephen would not have known any of it. The car my son was in also rolled about 3 to 4 times and his death cert said " crack in the skull"... imagine , its all so very painful...yet he appeared to be fast asleep and there was a hint of a smile on his face-- there were no other marks or bruises on him but when i bent down to kiss his cheek, i saw blood in the nostrils-- his face will forever be etched in my mind till the day I die. How i wanted to cradle him in my arms rt there, but did not have the courage, cos I knew that if I feel some kind of bump or hollow at the back of his head that imprint on my hand would burn me forever n ever more.. I regret my cowardice that i didn't dare to cradle his head .. all i could do was bend n kiss both his cheeks n whisper that I love him:( ooo god my heart goes out to you... along with all other certificates when i see the death certificate its like being kicked hard in the gut:(... they told me it was instantaneous.. i pray it was...

May we all be a beacon of hope, sustenance and inspiration to all o...

Hi to all who have respond to me.  My name Judy Edwards and I'm coming up on my son forth month to be  gone, to day I'm grieving so much that I could remember the name we did to honor my son last wishes .  i had to call my partner and ask him what the name was we cremated Matthew that what he wanted,  He told me a year ago he was  afraid of waking up in a coffin and not being able to get out.  I've never knew you could miss a person my only child so much that i to want to pass so i can see him again..  I'm hurting so bad that I cry all the time.  I'm mad and get mad so much faster than I ever have.  I want my son back and I know it not possible.  I got mad at him the other day and on a ride back from another town than I live in I bitched him out for leaving us and not allowing us to say bye .  I was at the hospital when they pronounce him dead but he was in a coma when he was brought in and never regained conciseness.  So I feel we were

cheated out of saying how much we loved him and how much he'd be missed.  I not handling his loss good at all.  So anyone who gone through thiss prosess please pass on tips I am in great need of then'  

Thank you Judy Edwards 

Judy,

Heartfelt love to you.. I lost my only son too in a road accident in Dubai-- he was returning back from lunch and they were 6 of them in the suv.. which skidded n turned turtle abt 3, 4 times. His friend was driving--another senior colleague of my son also died on the spot-- what i can say is that I am sure Matthew knows of your love and all that can be done is cling firmly to that and go within , deep where u will find a well of peace.. that peace will show u how ur son is always with u...the handful of us here also try to reach out to others in any small way everyday--it helps enormously but first just focus on feeling ur son and his love and u will know that god steps in at these great times of distress.. its mind boggling and i am so sorry again-- pls msg whenever u want-- love to you.. i write as I think so pls dont get offended in case anything i say feel weird.. just trying my best..love. 

Dear Judy, Your pain, and grief are so raw, and so new. I am sad you have to join this group, but being on here saved my life. So you have taken a really good step in this horrific journey. Just know you are not alone. We don't all grieve the same, but we all have a lot in common, and we know your pain. Grieving is difficult in every aspect, so give yourself some time, and some TLC. Surviving is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I know it's possible. Peace, and hugs to you!

Judy, Marilyn, Anne and Vasanthi said what all of us would say to you.  We are all here to support each other and share our pain as well as our victories in this journey. 

Right after speaking to my Michael on the phone he passed away.  Not knowing it (who would expect) he laid on his apartment floor all weekend.  Because his body started to decompose they would not allow me anywhere near him.  I didn't get to touch him, see him or hold him.  He was just gone.

I was so mad at first they kept me away that night.  I wanted to let my baby know I was there.  Now that time has passed I am grateful they didn't let me see him that way.

Judy I am real sorry to see you join us but I'm also glad since it has to be that you found us. 

This group has helped me deal with this more then anything has.

Today it will be 9 months at 8:20pm. I hate getting farther away from the last time I saw him. Judy - I am so sorry for your loss.  I know how you feel - I just want my Daniel back too.

Marilyn, Connie, Teresa ((((((( )))))))))) to all ... 

Thinking of you all!

its horrible! went to parlour and the lady who was waxing asked me, " do you have any children?", I said , " yes, one son" and tried to change the topic.. then she says " oh how nice, what is he doing?" I wanted to scream and say " how the hell do I know?" .. I just said," He is abroad, working"....then.. Oh so will u be going there?"!!!!!! God I lied through my teeth and said yeah soon  and then i closed my eyes-- thank god there were no more questions after that-- i feel sick:(

September is here and I'm sick to my stomach, I'm forgetting things again, can't stay focused, and I can't seem to control the tears and the fear.  Am I doing this to myself?  I don't know how I am going to put on the fake face I've been wearing. 

just to wish everyone--love n lots of it-- its all too much:(

Marilyn.. that pic sums it up!thank god for all of you here-- i feel sane when i see you all... i don't feel so alone... everyday i ask ..where is he? where canhe just disappear? why ? why? why?

Such a daily struggle. Why can't I be one of those people who turns tragedy into a positive. Creating foundations, speaking, finding their path. I am trying but feel so incapable of having the mojo to create a new life. When your only child disappears one day, everything we have worked for seems meaningless. We have given away scholarships in his name and helped many family members with financial needs and planted a garden for him at school to tend. I feel it's never enough. Now we have to redo our will and trust because we are going on vacation this week. husband is looking forward to it. I find it hard to look forward to anything. And what if both die on this trip?! We don't want things to go into probate so having to deal with that is difficult. All the things that are meaningful that we would have "passed down" are meaningless. Who even wants these things. It is forcing me to be more spiritual. I guess that something. But like you Vasanthi I just sometimes freak out that he's gone. Really gone. Forever. Altho I know his spirit lives on. Why can't I feel joy at that? I just feel broken beyond repair today. It hurts too much.

Hello to everyone. I feel so out of touch with you all (meaning I MISS you!) each weekend. The activity seems to increase each time another weekend rolls around and that's when I'm least able to participate because my husband is home then. Hopefully, when he moves in here for good in November, that will change and I will be able to be in contact with all of you even on the weekends. I pray that each of you experienced some special blessing this weekend that made you feel closer to your child. It hurts to have them "gone."

TEARS IN HEAVEN   Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace, I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven

Interesting thing happened today. As I talked with my deceased son and my deceased father, I was in my auto and looked to my left I saw the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen and it had not been raining. It quickly dissipated, just a few minutes. I took pictures of it with my phone. I wonder if it was a sign from both of them everything is OK? Just an odd coincidence maybe.

My only surviving son has told me today he has taken an assignment as a pilot for the Navy Seals. I am stunned and my heart is heavy.

Dick I know exactly what your feeling.  My daughter is my only living child now and she is leaving September 10th to go teach in Maylasia for 2 years.  I actually encouraged her even though on the inside I was screaming, NOOOOO! 

Please don't worry. I have lived in Malaysia, it is a quite stable country.

Teresa, Dick...your children will be fine-- they are brave and strong.. Marilyn, Michelle... such heavy hearts we  all here carry .. i hope this eases in some way:(..please know that I am with all of you always-- u r all always in my thoughts and in my prayers..love..  don't know what else to say...except that i wish i could hold any one here and cry and cry....