Isn't it something how we start to dread dates and holidays.  Me...again I don't want next month to come.  Next month is my birthday but it is also the month my son died.  I guess I feel like next month is forcing me to face reality. 

Vasanthi, I totally get how you feel.  Michael was with me Christmas morning when my fiancé asked me to marry him.  Because my father is deceased of course I pictured Michael as the one to give me away.  But now he is gone too.  So that picture of a wedding for me seems to be gone.  My fiancé is being patient  but I just can't see it without Michael.

I just want everyone to know I appreciate everyone's support and sharing. 

Teresa, next month, September 28 is my son's bday. He would have been 29... let the months come and go-- we will be with each other through it all.. Marilyn, yes one look at Brandon and all will smile as his smile is so contagious...whenever i feel the pain now, I also think of all here who feel the same pain and I feel comforted..not because we all 'lost' the most precious, but because we know what each and everyone is going through.. it soothes me somehow to think that OK now i'm sitting in a public place and crying and feeling lost but then Marilyn, Jane, Michelle, Teresa, B Milt, Dia, Dawn and all the precious others here will understand.. n then I don't feel so bad about 'losing it'... When I go out for a couple of hours I'm 'ok' , and then the build up starts .. another couple of hours I know that shaky feeling will make me cry.. ?Thats also when I keep 'talking' to Micks and saying what the hell , u r in a better place, and now u know more so then what stops you from being with me then? ... and all such nonsense... but i love our kids and i love u all.

Every morning I go into Daniel's room and say Good Morning sweet boy. How I long for a response....

Just figured out how to post a picture of my beautiful daughter, Lisa. I miss her so much that I can barely get through some days. Her boyfriend found some more of her things and brought them to me yesterday. Mostly paperwork, but it included a lot of personal things like birthday cards, her kids' schoolwork and drawings, and journals. I feel like I'm invading her privacy by reading her journals, but it was almost like she was talking to me. We were always so close and she knew she could tell me anything. It was hard having to go through her things again.

Dawn B your daughter is beautiful.

Judy we are all so very sorry you are joining us. 

Judy, my heartfelt sorrow for this. Am so sorry, I too lost my only son and have found great solace and strength here. Please know I am there for you as is everyone else. The beauty of this group here is that we can really talk for all the others, they are so loving and its healing to be together sharing this awful void which is thrust on us. None wanted it , yet this is the safest place to be. Again, Judy my heart goes out to you in this time ... its hard and the hurting and the grieving feels unbearable..just know for now that all are here for you. If you have people close to you in your area, do send them a message and you can meet up too, I hope...love and hugs to all here.

Dawn what a lovely girl.. God will take good care of our babies, I know that.

Hi Everyone.  Hope your weekend was bearable.  Now another week starting and I feel stressed for some reason.  A different stress than the 'grief' stress.  Maybe just the after effects of a hectic weekend with my daughter being sick and having our granddaughter on Saturday.   Weekends are usually the time I get to myself to just let myself and everything go.

My daughter told me this morning that she had a strange dream and so many people were in it - My mom and my son, and my son was telling her something strange and then she started to cry as she was telling me.  I know she misses him terribly too.  They were best friends.  But sometimes I can't comfort her and then I feel guilty, but I know if I try I will just get worse too.  Oh, I'm just sick of this whole new way of life and the constant change of emotions.  It can be so exhausting, and yet I do have my better days for which I am so grateful.

Does anyone else have trouble with comforting other members of your family?

Dawn, your Lisa is a beautiful young lady.  Another loss that shouldn't have been.  I am so sorry.  I hope her son is managing.  It's so very hard on the children.  Especially because they can't express their emotions.  We as adults have such a hard time, just imagine what a child goes through.  No parent and no child should have to deal with this, but we have no choice.  I am so sorry.

Dawn, What a beautiful young woman. I am so sorry for your loss.

Try to have a good day everyone. Off to work. Hope I can make it through today without crying there. ((  ))

Sending Love & Hugs to you all .....   Take Care

Just want to connect with everyone here, wishing you a lighter burden today. Dawn, Lisa is beautiful; it's hard to imagine so many of our young adult children dying from heart attacks. It doesn't make sense.  

Vasanthi, Mary, Marilyn, Ammy, Connie, Dick, William, Dawn, Dawn, Karen, Teresa, Adrianne, Bonnie, and EVERYONE else, my prayers are with each of you. Hugs to all.

Jane, how are you doing? I didn't mean to omit you below.  :-)

Blessings to all of you.  Still a little off today.

A friend on FB posted a song.  I didn't care for the music and singing so much, but will post the lyrics.  It's called ' Acknowledge Grief' and I know some of us have had others distant themselves from us because we have taken too long with our grieving.  :(

Maybe you thought
I'd be okay 'cause I'm strong
Well, you're wrong
Maybe you think 
All of these tears are taking too long
But you're wrong
If you could just acknowledge
That I am in pain
If you could take a minute and pray
If you could lend an ear
So I could voice my tears
If you would be okay that I'll never be the same
Maybe you thought
Avoiding me would be the best
But you're wrong
Maybe you thought
You had all the answers to this test
But you're wrong
'Cause all I need is
For you to just acknowledge
That I am in pain
For you to take a minute and pray
If you could lend an ear
So I could voice my tears
If you would be okay that I will never be the same
You might look away
But I am still here in grief
Even if you choose not to see
Even if you choose not to weep with those who weep
These few who remain I will forever keep
If you could just acknowledge
That I am in pain
If you could take a minute and pray for me, please pray
If you could lend an ear
So I could voice my tears
If you would be okay that I'll never be the same
I know life goes on, but my song has changed
Copyright © 2013 by Ari-Amber Berteaux Messer

The website is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGdnPAcki4E

Ammy, just today someone I just met today told me how strong I look and how I seem to be handling my loss with such strength.  I wanted to scream " YOU'RE WRONG!"  and this is the first lines of the song you posted.  Why do some need to see us crumble to acknowledge our pain?  Every single morning since Michael went to heaven I have woken up with tears.  Every morning I have to wake up and know Michael is not going to be apart of that day. 

I have not had to comfort my daughter.  Instead she is trying soo hard to fill my void.  I had to tell her I appreciate everything but that she couldn't be Michael and that nothing will ever replace him. 

I worry more about her thinking I don't love her as much as Michael.

Hugs to you too Michele. :)

Today was the last day I saw my son 'alive'... tried to sleep but woke up again in abt 20 mins after a lot of tossing and turning...when i cry its fitful.. the tears either should flow or not come-- i,m hanging somewhere in bn... will just watch tv i suppose--mindlessly...

Teresa,I know what u mean.. people tell me that too that how rt from the begining, I was so strong etc.. I've stopped thinking about it--i just can't please everyone anyway..maybe if i wept and banged my head there would be more understanding..

its 2 years today.. I can't believe how time flies and how time hangs.

Dear Vasanthi, trust me banging your head won't work! Lol! I tried that once and all I got was a migraine, and my family looking at me like I had lost it!!! Strength is a good thing, but more important is the courage it takes  to face the loss of a child, and all the awful, rotten stuff that goes along with it. Thank goodness there is a site like this were you don't have to be strong or brave! All of you are the strongest, and most courageous people I have had the honor to share all the things that others can't understand.

Hello Everyone,

I have only been out of touch since Friday. Today is Tuesday. I am also so sorry to hear we have new bereaved parents.

Anne said it so very well, I need not add anything more.

My heart bleeds for all of us.

Even in sickness (where I've been for the last four days!) I never stopped thinking about my daughter, Danielle. During her seven years of illness she endured many days of sickness. But not once did she ever complain, she never gave up. No matter what they threw at her, she never gave up.

And yet, all I want to do is just that, "give up".

But somehow I know Danielle would be very upset with me.

So I am trying harder to survive this unbearable pain.

I don't want to, I just know I have to because I wasn't given the choice.

And how is everyone today?

PS

I missed you.

Vasanthi, what a hard day for you! I'm so sorry and it must seem impossible to believe it has been two years. My prayers are with you, friend.

Jane, I hope you're feeling better. Our bodies take quite a beating from this thing called "grief." It's hard enough to deal with our losses, and another stress to be feeling sick.

Dawn, I hope you're giving yourself the rest you need. I've been tired, too.

Tomorrow it will be 5 months since Chris passed from this life. I don't understand this passage of time...

Praying with you, Dawn.

Vasanthi, I am hurting along with you.  Not for myself, but for you and for all on here.  I hope you eventually got some rest.

Jane, I'm sorry you were not feeling well.  Hope you are doing much better.

Dawn, I know each day is hard and those date days are just more agonizing.   I am sending hugs to you and will keep you in my prayers.

Greg, I'm very sorry about your son.  Sounds like you had a special bond with him.

I pray the angels wrap their arms around you all tonight and bring you some comfort.  I send my (((Hugs))) too.

today has been a year that i have lost my son,i really miss him alot lost feelings i just wish things could have been different love and miss u.

I dont know how to say thank you to all here.. it is because you all understand and reach out that I feel a semblance of normalcy-- 

Greg, looks like the best relationships where no 'work' was needed go first..

Ammy , Michelle,Anne, again thank you so much for your words.. they mean the world to me..Dawn, my thoughts are with you, and sending all of you here wishes for peace n sending love..(((((( all)))))

Marilyn, I don't really know but I have read the book suggested on this site on after death communication and it seems many people have had similar experiences.. so hugsss ..I had seen your friend request on Shreyas's face book page and earlier when i had added some people, some of his friends had kind of freaked out saying, " Micks is adding friends".. it had got me so maddd at them n i had to clarify that I have his pw and we had that kind of trust where we had each other's pw but never ever 'checked' unless he was away somewhere n wanted me to post something .. so since I didn't want a repeat of the 'ghost' stories, I am giving you and everyone else here is welcome too to add me on on facebook.. here is the link... https://www.facebook.com/vasanthi.tank

Marilyn, I hope you didn't mind ?..love to all..Connie, Linda... you are in my prayers.. god give us all strength.

Started anew job this week.  In april I was fired because I told the boss I couldn't be the mule anymore because I needed counseling and he fired me.  It's ok, I saw it as god opening a new direction for me.

So many have said to me, "Michael would not want you to cry"  Why do others think our children wouldn't want us to cry as we grieve?  Why do they think we can just step over losing our children.  I can't!!!!  This is why I'm so glad I can come here with everyone. 

I can tell you I'm crying, I can tell you what I'm experiencing, I can tell you my inner thoughts and I can see I'm not alone. 

I'm sorry everyone of you is here but I'm also grateful that your here.

Teresa, good for you..I'm sure the new job will be better n whats needed for you... Please do share and while working many times we feel disconnected with our children-- i used to go and cry in the washroom every 2 hours or so...now I am at home because of some changes in my personal life , but when i do goout more than a couple of hours a kind of build up starts n i feel very very weepy.. crying helps at that time.love n all the best to you.

Marilyn, you are right.  We cry for ourselves most of the time, but we also cry for our children when we think of what they have lost and will never experience.  It's just normal.  Sending you hugs of comfort.

When I cry, somehow I feel more connected to my son-- why is that I wonder.. I am trying to connect through joy too which he so abundantly and without stinting gave..

Dear Marilyn

Our really bad days are so much more difficult than our regular bad days. But somehow tomorrow just keeps coming. And we do it all over again.

Crying our tears of love is all that we can do.

We hold you in our arms today.

Please know you are not alone.

xxoo

Marilyn,

I pray that the angels hold you close and keep you free from pain.. you are loved and you have touched so many lives.. so that is why god needs you here.. to help others some more--like Jane says, you are not alone..love xoxoxox 

Hello everyone, Words cannot describe how heartsick I feel for everyone. Vasanthi _ I have been thinking of you and wishing you strength and getting throughout the milestone. Marilyn I understand your fears and those moments when you just can't accept that he is gone. NOOOOOOOO is right! Vasanthi said it just right. I hope everyone finds some peace today. ((( )))

Hi Anne
I am so sorry for your loss of your 2 sons. How heartbreaking. It has been almost 9 months since I lost my only child. I just want you to know that I care. I feel like that's all we really have in this life that is real - our love and understanding for others. And I too (I'm sure like everyone) struggle with trying to find some way out of the constant pain and grief. Your post sounds so familiar. I feel that way about myself as well. And I have tried so hard to have a lighter spirit and stop railing against God. Isn't funny how we know death is a part of life but it is the hardest thing to actually put into perspective and accept. Many days I feel I am just filling time, waiting to die. I want to fill these days with SOMETHING of meaning, of service. SOMETHING that will let my heart be kind and free again. Something my son would be proud of. Music is my gift and it is hard to sing again but I realize that is how I have to reach out to others and that is what I have to give to help myself and others heal. When I sing I feel my son with me. Altho is does seem like we are hamsters on a wheel, we are actually all moving forward because we are dealing with the grief and feelings by expressing them to everyone here. Thank goodness I have all of you. Thank you for your honest and inspiring post. I know God's plan for you will bring love back into your heart through those children whose lives you will be touching and your boys will be with you all the while. Sending prayers and peace to everyone today

Marilyn, I love the beautiful insight that Brandon gave you regarding crying! That he told you not to cry for HIM, but that it's OK to cry for yourself. That brings comfort knowing that while HE is OK (and our kids, too), he understands that right now, you're (we're) not. How blessed to have been given that message from your precious son...and how blessed the rest of us are to benefit from it, too. Thank you, Brandon!

Marilyn - love this picture! What a sweet sweet smile. In regards to music, I really feel like it is the universal language that can connects us all together. My husband and I are professional musicians and have been doing this for 35 years. He is a music editor for films (he worked on Percy Jackson, Sea of Monsters,  that just came out.) I am also singing in the choir on the score of that movie. So I sing a lot of different songs and styles. But I love to sing the blues, R&B, and gospel. I have just learned the Dani&Lizzy Song "Dancin' in the Sky".  Even so, it has actually been hard to start performing again. But is also my lifeline. My son wanted to be a music producer and was a talented musician. He created electronic songs on his computer and also played  drums, guitar, trombone, bass.Even though certain songs can make us sad to listen to, I still want to hear his favorites or sing just to him. I know he hears me and I feel he is helping me go on to do what I love to do - and what he loved to do the most. I think Brandon would also love for you to play his favorites and try to fill that hole that is left with music. You can find him in the music. Hope you are feeling a little better today. Sending love to everyone

Marilyn, what a beautiful young man. What a beautiful smile.

Connie, thank you for your "share". So full of love. I would love to hear you perform "Dancing in the Sky".

It's another sad day for all of us.

But it's another one almost over.

Best wishes to all.................

Five months ago today...my life forever changed.

I also feel scared and I feel so lost.

Life is forever changed, I'm forever changed.

As I social worker I would tell families, "your just caught up in the storm, so we just have to find the sun and start walking towards it."    Problem is I can't hear my own words and I certainly can't find the sun.

Good Morning everyone

Thinking of you...............

xxoo

Sending much love and prayers to all my friends here.