Hello! I have been dealing with so much stuff the last couple of weeks I can hardly remember my own name. I'm so sad Jane that your having such a tough time. I'm here now also if you would like to talk. I have had a lot of years in therapy. I am always willing to share with someone who has walked in my shoes. Hi Mary! People still walk to the other side of the street when they see me! I laugh because i'm thinking they are worse off than me! I always wonder why my friends always come to me with their problems, and yet I have to pay a therapist to hear mine! I'd rather talk to my therapist because I know she won't judge or criticize me. Anyway I am available now if any of you would like to talk. Just send me a message and I will give you my e-mail and phone number. I am here to help in any way I can.

Thank you. Thank you for your true compassion. I had no where else to turn. And I was in a desperate place. I sort of knew that, but you helped me to believe it. I received a call back today from the therapist. I was so relieved to hear from her. I am also feeling like maybe there is someone who can help me like you have. I truly thank you.

Mary

Loss of closeness? Yes, so very much...............

Jane, good to hear that the therapist contacted you. Please know that you're never really alone. We are all here for one another! Don't ever hesitate to reach out.

Mary, you have much to live for. It may not feel like it sometimes, but you know those feelings don't come from the One Gary is with!

Marilyn, that picture does depict how we feel.  Especially in the newness of our loss and through this journey of grief.

And yes, if I didn't have faith there would be no hope.  There would be no reason to go on.  My faith has been my therapist through this hell.  Even at times when I doubt I have to come back and believe.

I always think of my son when I wake and on Wednesdays I remember the police coming here that morning.  I knew immediately that he was gone.  I didn't want my husband to open that door.  Then it wouldn't be real, but we couldn't escape it.  

As I prayed this morning I did cry because I didn't have to pray for my son as I was for everyone else, but today is the first time I didn't think of the police until now.  Maybe one more baby step towards a little healing.

Praying you all have a gentler day.

Marilyn, I bet a lot of us feel like that drawing. I know I do.

My friends and family have been great in trying to support me.  But they tend to do the same thing as your friends Anne, the bring me their problems.  I am a social worker and people tend to see me as a strong person.  But this is even too much for me to emotionally handle.  This is the greatest pain I have ever felt in my life.  I just wish they would realize I'm not as strong as they give me credit for. 

My biggest problem has been my mother.  My father passed away suddenly in 2008 from cancer.  The very day he died my mother shut down in life.  I keep wanting motherly comfort from her and nothing.  She doesn't want me to talk about my son or even mention his name.  He was her first grandchild, they had a special relationship and while I know it hurts her, it is killing me.  I need my mom right now but she's not there. 

Teresa, 

this is too much for anyone to handle...the sources we look for for comfort strangely fail us and unexpected ones open up...wherever love comes from hang on to it and don't let it go... <3...love to all.. Marilyn, Ammy, Michelle, Jane, Mary, B Milt, Dick,.. all are in my thoughts always and always sending love so that we all cope...

Dear Teresa, a very intelligent man once told me that "Even the most educated therapist or Dr. can solve others problems better than their own", it's just how it works. You could be the most intelligent person on earth, but that doesn't prepare you for the loss of a child. As a social worker you are an angel to others, but you couldn't of prepared yourself for the death of your child. As for your mother, some people, even the closest one's to you can't deal with this kind of death. I know my mother is the opposite. She talks about it all the time, even though she didn't come to help me bury my son. After a few years of the death of my second son I finally had a talk with her. I gently said to her that I love her very much, but all the comments about the boys has to stop. I told her I couldn't take her going on and on about how God needed my children, and that their angels for God now, and so on, and so forth. She understood, but every once in a while she slips so I just change the subject. I can't go to my moms house because she has a shrine of my boys in her living room. I just can't handle that. I had to learn to comfort myself. I hope you don't have to resort to that. We are with you, and here for you!

Jane,   Yes- I started the group ... but, no thanks needed just hope you all find comfort & strength here.   I feel bad I do not come on very often anymore-   but, I think of all of you daily -

I am still really struggling ...  Just not sure I have much to offer.   

I relate to the drawing too Marilyn.  thanks for sharing it. 

Karen I think your wrong.  I think you do have something to offer.  I'm grateful you started this site because I can come here and be among others that understand my grief. Personally I know none of you but I love all of you!

Thanks Teresa!    Hugs & strength to you all!

Marilyn, you're an inspiration!

It is possible to crawl your way out of the dark, but it can be done. It's very difficult, and sometimes makes you want to give up, but the harder you dig to get yourself out the closer the light becomes to you! Sweet Karen, you are worth so much more than you know. You have touched many lives including mine.

Marilyn, so proud of all that you're doing! Jane, it's good to see you on here. How are you doing? Vasanthi, you are a sweetheart to be thinking of us all by name. Anne, you give me hope. Karen, your group has helped so many of us. Dick, I ache for you. Mary, I feel like you and I are leading parallel lives! Connie, I pray for you. Anyone I forgot, it's not because I don't care. You are all dear to me and I am so sorry you have to experience this pain. Peace to all.

Just stopped by to send you all some love & strength <3     Thank you for your kindness Anne, Michelle, & Everyone.

Hi all.  Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and understand what each of you are expressing.  Sending thoughts of comfort and healing along with my prayers for each one.

Shelley, you are in that place of self condemnation.  Questioning, wondering, doing the 'what ifs'.  I think this is normal.  I went through it and still have some of those thoughts occasionally.  

I'm sure you're a good mom and I'm sure your son knew you loved him.  Why wouldn't he?  None of us are perfect in parenting.  No one is perfect.  We are human and we all make mistakes.  That does not make us bad people.

My faith leads me to believe that our children are okay.  We are the ones that are not okay.

Take care, try to have some positive thoughts, and hang on.

Blessings & hugs. 

Marilyn, glad to hear that the trip started out well enough.  I hope you are at your son's place or close to it.  I pray that all is going okay and you will be able to enjoy some family time together.  Brandon is with you always and he would want you to have some comfort during this time.

Blessings to you and yours.

Ammy, sending you positive thoughts. I didn't mean to omit you from my earlier post.

No problem Michelle.  I know it's almost impossible to remember everyone.  That's why I usually just write to 'all'.  There are some that eventually leave, pop in whenever or just read the posts and the newcomers keep arriving.  So sad, and this is just one place on the Internet.  There are many others.  

Thank you for thinking of me.  Hugs.

Never would have believed how many families have lost children until I experienced it and started paying more attention.  If I watch the news I don't think a day goes by that I don't hear of someone's child being taken.

Marilyn, it is a blessing to hear that it's going okay.  I don't expect it to be wonderful, but this is good to hear.  Hope each day you find some joy and comfort as you feel the love of those with you.  ♥

Oh Marilyn, what a lovely gift.  Your angel sounds beautiful.  I am truly happy for you.  Especially that you are able to enjoy this time with your family.

I love angels because I do believe they are with us and minister to us.  Earlier this month my husband brought home an angel for the small flower garden he has made for a memorial to our son as we also have kept his ashes so we don't go to a cemetery.  I had a small one out there and was mentioning that I would like a larger one, but thought I would have to be the one to get it.  I count it a blessing.

I would hope that all of you are experiencing some comfort and peace.  This weekend has been hard for me, but I know it will ease up again.  I just have to walk through it as I have so many times before.

This is a picture of our little area for Cha.

Oh I believe there are angels among us. Sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and me in our darkest hour. To teach us how to live, and teach us how to give. To guide us with the light of love! This is from the song Angels Among Us by the band Alabama  I sing this a lot when i'm lonely.

Today after I vented on my blog, I sat on the front steps broom in hand and sang. Sounds a little crazy, but I must say it sure made me feel better. Maybe tomorrow I will sit on the front steps with my real guitar and give the neighbors something to talk about! Peace to all!

I had a bad dream last night.  I don't know how or why but my daughter was buried under the kitchen floor.  I woke up screaming "GET HER OUT!"  I guess I'm so worried about losing the only child I have left. 

I need one of those angels to visit me.

Oh Teresa, what a scary dream! I think you expressed a fear that we all have if we have living children: is something going to happen to them, too? I can relate...

Marilyn thanks for the link to the song.  I've never heard it before and I can relate.  Yes, I definitely believe you had an angel save you.

Anne, I have read so many times how music heals.  If that gives you comfort then you should definitely get out there and sing.  I love music, but I can't carry a tune.  It makes me sad, but I have to accept it.

Teresa I am so sorry you had a nightmare.  I know how real they are and I'm grateful I have not had any concerning my children or grandchildren.  Just other things.  I know they say everyone dreams but I hardly ever remember my dreams.  I've had a few of my son that I remembered and they seemed more like he was warning me.  I even pray to have one that I can give him another hug.  I miss that.

Feeling better today and have been keeping busy with chores.  Got behind.  Didn't do a thing since last Tuesday or Wednesday.  My back went out and I was limited to sitting and walking a little.  I think when we are physically attacked it does make our grief more pronounced.

May this new week be gentler and kinder to all.  Hugs.

Vasanthi, how are you doing?  You have not been here recently.  Check in.  I miss you.  Hugs.

Night mares oh how I despise them. I too know that fear of losing another. I live with it everyday, but I can't allow them to take over my life. Here's a little trick I use. It doesn't always work, but then again nothing works all the time. I try to think of how I would like the dream to end. In my nightmare I never get to my little boy. I hear him cry out for me, and I run to him but I never get to him. So When I wake up crying I fold my hands and dream while i'm awake that I do get to him, and that I hold him in my arms until the Lord comes. I'm not sure how it works, and it doesn't work all the time, but the times that it does I can fall back to sleep peacefully. I'm grateful even if it only works once in a while because that's one night I get to control the end even if it's only in my mind. Peace to all

So sorry for those that have nightmares.  I'm glad you are able to continue the dream Anne.  I do visualizations of hugging my son, but it's not the same.

May the Lord wrap His arms around us all.  Hugs.

Thank you for the support.  While that dream seemed short and silly, which I realized once I calmed down, it was enough to upset and depress me. 

Anne I'm going to try that next time that happens.  I'm going to try and tell myself it's just a dream and it can end anyway I want it to. 

The Christmas before my Michael passed away My boyfriend of 10 years asked me to marry him.  I was so excited.  My son was spending the holidays with me so he was the first to know.  Now the problem is since losing Michael I have not been able to commit to a date.  I don't know if it's because I'm just emotionally overwhelmed or if it is because I can't see it without my Michael or is it simply I won't allow myself to enjoy life without Michael?  I know he would want me to get married because he was so happy for us that morning.  I keep coming up with excuses of why dates won't work.  Am I doing this intentionally? I don't even know anymore.

Ammy, I am so touched and deeply so by your concern. I come here and read what everyone writes, feel connected and really grieve for all of us.. sometimes I feel if i add on to it by saying how desolate i feel sometimes, I know it hurts everyone else too. So i try to avoid saying anything because all are feeling the same waves of despair, disbelief, a strange hope and peace too at intervals--there is nothing more confusing than this and there is also nothing more final than this. The day before in the afternoon I napped a bit but not before crying my heart out at this inability to communicate with such a beloved child... and often it happens that when I reach the crest of despair something happens to relieve it , normally micks comes to me in a dream and it soothes me or in some other way. That after noon i dreamt (and these are always vivid dreams), that i was calling out to him and he came n smothered my cheeks with kisses and i was like " my my sooo much love eh?"normally my son is not demonstrative , but always 'allowed ' me to kiss his forehead n cheeks and pretended to keep a grim face when he used to be bursting with pride that his mom adores him!I thought when I woke up immediately after that " oh my !he is free to show all his love--no more conditioning!needless to say that afternoon i was at peace.. till the build up happens again.

Marilyn, the angels look so beautiful-- feel peaceful just looking at them.

Teresa, Anne, those nightmares are only a way of relieving you of anxiety that you have regarding the surviving ones-- having lost, we have got scared at the unpredictability of loss, its suddenness and the trauma that follows. I feel so blessed to have this group. You have all become so very very dear to me and i hope i get to meet you all at some time. Its like having cherished friends who understand you well enough to let you be as you are. Karen, you have done such a wonderful thing by starting this group. None of us would have wanted to be here but now there is no better place to go and share than here. Thank you Karen, never doubt yourself-- you have made it possible for so many lives to touch each others in such a beautiful way.

Teresa, the 'present' will impinge on you whether we like it or not. It will keep impinging till you face it. Allow it to... there is a role you have to play in other lives and others have a role in yours. Let it happen. There is great beauty in such acceptance and great courage too. My heart goes out to you because i totally empathize.The man who has been with you for 10 years will understand all that you feel. Allow him in fully <3

Hello everyone. I have been away for a few days. Came home today. Stepped into our now "empty" house and broke down. I can only hold it in for short periods of time. I have to remind myself of that before going out again. Someone referred to me today as "dysfunctional" and not in a nice way. How are you today?

Ammy

Your garden is beautiful. It looks so peaceful. Does it help?

Hello everyone.  Jane, I'm so sorry someone would be so cruel as to say you're dysfunctional.  We know we're dysfunctional.   I say, let them walk in our shoes and see what it's like.  Deep breath for me and then remember that they have no clue.  Ignorance, plain and simple.

The garden does give me some peace at times.  Other times it brings me sadness.  It's at the edge to the woods and I will remember him walking in on the path right next to the flower garden, but if I go further with my thoughts and think he'll never walk the woods again it does make me sad.  I try to have the positive thoughts about how he loved the woods.

Hope today was a gentler day for you and everyone.

Vasanthi, it was good to read your post.  What a sweet dream.  Don't feel bad to add your thoughts.  It isn't anything new that we all haven't experienced to some degree.  I've always kind of been amazed at reading the posts because I usually will be shaking my head yes, yes, I know that feeling.

I sometimes don't respond either.  I go through periods of losing myself inside myself and have no words, but I do keep up with reading them most of the time.

Teresa, I can only say that when you feel comfortable with it, do it.  Our children would never want us to not be happy.  I can understand your indecisiveness.  I think this is normal for you right now.  I can remember being like that the whole first year.  I don't think I left my home more than 6 times that year.  My poor husband had to do the grocery shopping and most of the cooking that first year.  I totally could not function correctly and the few times I did go out I would break down in tears and have to come home anyway so I just stayed home until I felt strong enough to do it.

Each one has their way of getting through this and no way is wrong.  You do what feels right for you.

(((Hugs)))

I think Marilyn had posted something about having hope.  I can't seem to find the post, but I found it strange that for the last week or so I have been reading some things and 'HOPE" has been the subject in several of them.  I wanted to share one that I edited to fit anyone.  The original is more related to God, but I wanted something that everyone could relate to.

HOPE is a golden cord connecting you to healing. This cord helps you hold your head up, even when multiple trials are buffeting you.  Without the cord of hope, your head may slump and your feet may stumble as you journey uphill. Hope lifts your perspective from your weary journey to the peaceful view you can see ahead of you.  When you consider this destination, the roughness of the road ahead becomes less heartless.  HOPE

Today it is 6 months since my son has died. I am starting to get angry that the time seems to be going by so fast, and yet I am still here feeling so lost and sad. I miss him so incredibly  much. I leave for my yearly vacation in the morning with my grandson to meet up with the rest of my family, but he should and would of been coming with me. Sometimes its really hard to move forward with life, I feel like Im deserting him. ugh!!!! This grief process is a horrible thing to have to go through, hugs to all of you.

Gina, I fully understand how you resent the passage of time because I feel the same way. I'm not sure why I feel that way, but I do. It has been just over 4 months since my own son died. Maybe it's because it feels like time takes us further away from our loved ones. Anyway, it doesn't feel good and it doesn't lessen the pain at all.

Jane, wondering how you're doing. I hope you were able to meet with the new therapist and established a good connection. Thinking of you with hugs and prayers.

Michelle, how very thoughtful.

Yes, I met her today, more like a meet and greet, but I felt good talking to her. I think I have found a good "connection". I'm ready to receive help. I want this pain to soften. I want to remember my daughter with all the love I feel for her. She was my best friend. I miss her so much.

Thank you for asking,

That felt really good when I read it.

And you?

Gina, my heart is with you.  I really can't relate to time.  I was trying to recall how I was at 6 months, but my mind is blank.  I know it wasn't an easy time, but I guess nothing in particular stands out.  Every day in the beginning was the same.  Horrible.  I want so badly to say it will get better but I know each one of us may have a different time table for getting some relief.

I don't feel like I've left my son behind.  He is with me every day inside my heart.  We will never forget them but I do believe we gradually start to heal from horrible pain on a constant daily basis.

My daughter and I were just talking about some memories and I told her that in the beginning I actually thought it was some kind of a conspiracy of sorts and he really wasn't gone.  I believe my survival mode put my brain onto that line of thinking.  The first 2 weeks are a blur to me even now.  I get little remembrances of things that were going on, but I think I actually kind of lost my mind for awhile.

Adrianne, I know it's still hard for you.  I remember 2 years into this mess, but I really wish I would have kept some type of journal so I could remember when I started to have breaks from the gut wrenching ache.  As you said, and I agree, 'time is different for everyone' and time just keeps slipping away.  You said my posts are more positive.  I am trying to be positive because I could no longer stay in that valley of despair and I sincerely would like to give hope to others.  

I don't want to always be posting my rough times.  I think I mentioned before about meeting a couple of mothers online in the beginning of this grief journey and their positive notes to me gave me that hope that I could survive this horror and some day have a little normalcy back in my life.  Of course, they are many years into this journey but each day, month, year brings me a little closer.  At least that is my HOPE.

Adrianne, one other thing I wanted to say is that if you feel you are, as you say, 'slipping away more each day' then please, please seek some help.  I am very attached to you and it hurts me to see you feeling so lost and if you haven't seen any days of improvement it is not healthy for you.

Love to all.  My heart is with you.

Jane, so good to hear you think it will be a good connection.  One step at a time towards helping yourself.  I'm very proud of you and I hope you will find some ways to help you walk through this journey.  It's going to take time but each step is a step forward and don't get too discouraged when you seem to be going nowhere.  It happens.

Be blessed.

Jane, thank you for asking. I am okay today. I saw my own therapist yesterdat for the first time in almost 3 years and was able to talk a lot about things around Chris death. Today I started a memorial Facebook page for him, which was a big step since I havenc't been able to work on the scrapbook, journal, or other things I want to accomplish.