Hi Ladies...  It has been 4 years.... my son was 14 and had Autism... Our family revolved around him and his special needs.... I still cry big snotty sobs..... But there are good days too.... For those of you who are new to this pain,  I know the feelings you share about not caring if you live or die... I have felt this too.... still do somedays still....BUT I also have days that are good.    Please grab on to the hope that there will be Light at the end of the tunnel.... but it is a long tunnel....I am writing because sometimes we only hear the pain on this site.... but You will also have good days to come.... You will never forget your child and you will always have tears...but you will also have happy memories to cherish.  Hang in there.

Hello, I want to say how sorry I am to all our new moms on here.  Sorry is just a word, but we that are here really know the meaning.  We have been where you are and we are still on this new road in life.

I just have to say that I agree with Grace.  I am going on 3 years, and yes, there are some good days.  I have said this before on here because I too see just the pain most of the time.  We can all relate to what each person is going through, but I think it's helpful to hear something positive too.   Don't look ahead, just stay in the day and do what you need to do and one day you will feel a little better. It takes awhile, but hopefully it will come. 

The hurt, crying, and longing will come back, but it won't be as constant.  When I'm going through these times (as I have been the last 2 weeks)  I just tell myself that I'm under construction again right now.  I've developed another pothole on this road we are travelling and I just have to wait until the 'time healing crew' fixes it.  Just as most roads develop these potholes we will too.  In the beginning they are more like sinkholes, but they gradually shrink.  This has been my experience.  Hopefully, yours will be even better.

Please don't give up.  I too have not wanted to go on.  I couldn't understand why it couldn't have been me instead of him.  I was angry with God.  I was angry with almost everyone, including myself.  I have been able to let that go most of time and I am moving forward slowly.  So, don't give up.  Reach out for help if you have to.

Sending blessings & love to all.  ♥

Hi Michele Blevins,

I truly understand your pain. I live in Mobile Alabama. I have lost my only son 7months ago. He was shot. He was with people that he should not have been with. I was fighting for my job before he died. Now, imagine my pain. It has double. Everyone still moving on. I took a job working in a food truck/then security company just to keep busy. I earned 2 Master's Degrees and can't find a Job. I did not have insurance on my son. So that will not help me. My point is I just want to live for my 2 daughter's now. So I am shame I can't provide for my family but I hear my son telling me as I scream his name, crying snotty tears..."Mama, please stop crying..." He only saw me once drop a tear. He did not like it at all. You know those boys...Michele.

Hello, I was also want to offer condolences to all the new moms to this group. My heart hurts with yours, my tears are flowing, this is all too much. When you feel like it, maybe you can read through some of the postings and profiles to see that you are not alone here. I am still suffering from the loss of my 21 yr old son....my baby. I am sending my love and hugs to all.

Adrianne, you expressed it perfectly. I think most of us would wish for our old kives back. This one really hurts. I can't quite comprehend how I can get up each day and "function," do the routine things of life. Somehow it feels like a betrayal of my son. Yet if he is safe and truly happy where he is, if given the choice to bring him back, I wouldn't. I guess I'm getting a deeper understanding of what it means to really love someone.

one breath at a time..... one minute.... one day.... one month....4 years...  that's how you do it... one at a time...

I agree Adrianne, many think because my Michael was no longer a little boy that it hurts less, well it doesn't. He was and will always be my Lil' Smurf. 

While this site can be very sad one thing it does for me is let me know I'm "normal".  It let's me know the things I feel and how I think is the same as every other parent that lost their child.  It's not where I want to be but at least I know I'm here with others who totally get it.

Adrianne, once again, you said it perfectly. Those of us who have lost adult children, have also lost that baby we cuddled, the toddler who learned new things every minute of every day, the young child who amazed and amused us, the awkward teen who was learning about life, and the adult that made us wonder how it all happened in the blink of an eye. No, our loss hurts no less...

I agree Adrienne. Great insight Michele. You both said it perfectly. All the memories flood in , from all ages. I just wish I had the one of him graduating this year like he as going to and enjoying the freedom and responsibility that comes with being an "adult". I miss my baby so much more every day. I want to say "Okay this is enough now. Come home, please." This is something we will never ever get past.

Bad day -- I just want to scream. I was at our local store earlier when someone commented about the fun and drinking they would be doing this Memorial Weekend coming come. I asked them did they even care what it really stood for. They guy looks at me and says  sure "it's for being off work for 3 days and getting drunk." I stared back in disbelief and shout NO! It stands for the men and women who gave up their lives so you could be free to party when you want! My son was one of them you fool!" I then got in my car with my Gold Star tags and left. I was so mad I forgot to go in the store to buy the groceries I went after to make it worse, no I have to go back there. I pray he got the message!! Now I am going to go cry for a while..........

Sorry - had to rant somewhere! Thank you for listening! Hugs to you new parents out there. Sorry you are part of this group. Would not wish it on even my worst enemy!

Ann, sorry you had to experience that.  This is what our world is now.

Sending █▄◎╲╱☰─── to all.  ❤ 

Sorry Ann :(

Ann, hopefully that person will never forget what you said.

Connie, I'm so sorry you didn't get to experience your son's graduation this year. It would have marked a significant milestone in his growing up. But he certainly accomplished the most significant "graduation" anyone can ever experience, just way sooner than you would have wanted.

yeah,,, the milestones.... We visit them with holidays and events.  My son was 14 but was younger and more dependent because of his Autism.  yet he was older than a Baby.....  He never would have Graduated or Married.... we would have had him for all of "OUR" Lives  At any age...it is just not right to be "Us".....

Ann Memorial Day means different things to different people.   They have not lived our experiences.... Death only seems to happen  to those "Other"people....Like us.   They "Can't even Imagine".... because the brain won't go there for them....  

I know that Memorial Day is to honor the Death of Veterans.... but to many it honors the Death of everyone they knew..... to some it celebrates life with family picnics.....

FOR ME..... It is the time my son Died.... When this nightmare began in 2009..... I was like those "Other People" ... gone to buy the Brats and potatoe salad to go out on the Boat.... (Niles LOVED the Boat and Water)   when I get the call that he was having a siezure.... (Happened before do the same "Drill")  get to the hospital.... Drug Allergies.... nightmare  then helicopter ride...... and now I am a member of this group...  The day that follows my Niles DOD is my Anniversary.... and there is no longer a Marriage to celebrate.....

Sorry Ann... I know how they milestones remind us of what we will never have again...

Sorry guys for ranting the way I did. Thank you so much for your support. :) I just had a bad day that day and was feeling sorry for myself. Thanks again. Hugs to all!!

Ann, seems to me that this should be a safe place to vent. We all have and understand bar days.

To us, who have been given the splendor, the blithesome charm, the glory, the glitter, the tenderness and the love of a child who has departed, someday the pain will speak to you of enrichment, of compassion for others, of deeper sensitivity to the world about you, of a deeper joy for having known a deeper pain. 

Your child will not have left you completely, as you thought. But rather you will find your child in that first clear, sweet bird call, in those yellow rosebuds, in giving and in receiving and in the tissue-wrapped memories that you hold forever in your heart.

Beautifully expressed, Linda. I'm finding that much of the reading I've been doing since my son passed away confirms what you said. Somehow I feel like I'm growing much more quickly spiritually than ever before.

Beautifully expressed, Linda. I'm finding that much of the reading I've been doing since my son passed away confirms what you said. Somehow I feel like I'm growing much more quickly spiritually than ever before.

Can't sleep.  I'm really struggling today. I feel very overwhelmed and as if I just want to run away.  I know no matter how far I run the pain is going to run with me. God please help me get to a better place.

Teresa, you are having normal feelings.  Hang in there.  You will have better days.  We all know these horrific days.  Just breathe.

Wish I could give you a real hug, but since I can't I am sending you a cyber hug.  {{{Teresa}}}  Wish it was more.

Hi all.  I sincerely hope (pray) you are coping and having some time of peace.  You all are in my thoughts & prayers daily.  Hugs to all.

Teresa ~ just wanted you to know you were in my prayers today and every day. {{Teresa}} here are a few cyber hugs from me too!

We have heard people say, "I don't want to upset you, or remind you of your child, or say something that will make you cry." 

We want to tell them: "The only way you can make me feel worse than I already do is to pretend that it doesn't exist or that it isn't as deep and painful as you surely know it is.” 

We want to ask them "Have you ever experienced the feeling of having one terrible incident go through your mind, day after day, week after week, month after month, wondering why it happened and how you could have prevented it?" Well, don't worry about reminding us of our children. We are thinking about them nearly twenty-four hours a day.

We appreciate your talking about our child, or at least letting us talk about them. They are a very large part of our lives, and ignoring our child now will really hurt us. It makes us think that you feel they are no longer important because they are gone. It hurts to think that people don't want to think about them or remember good 
things about them, just because they have died. 

We understand that you don't want to say anything that will make us cry. That sounds kind, and we used to feel that way too, but now we know better. We’d rather the tears didn't come when you talk to us because we know they may scare you away, or at least make you very uncomfortable. But we've learned how useful and 
necessary they are. If we go too long without tears, our body builds up a terrible pressure from the pain of the grief. If you will allow us to cry in your presence, perhaps we won't have to cry alone, wondering if anyone else remembers, or even cares, about the death of our child.

You can't know what will make us cry. Sometimes we don't know ourselves. Some days we stay dry-eyed through nearly everything. Other days, the slightest thing will start the tears; things you could not possibly imagine or anticipate. Not all the tears are tears of sorrow. Even in the midst of our anguish, we sometimes cry tears 
of joy and relief because you have reached out; because you have confirmed that our children were special; perhaps because you have shared with us some precious memory about them which we had not known before.

Please don't run away from us. Don't pretend our child's death never occurred, or even worse, that they never lived.We still love them, think of them, and need to remember. Please share with us and we will all feel better. 

Initially, when we were told that we would change and grow stronger through this experience, we wanted to scream that 
if it meant giving up our children, we didn't want to change or get stronger. But we know we have no choice about that now;they are gone. Now our choices are either to become better; or we can choose to allow this grief to destroy us.

Linda ~ you have said what we all wish others knew. Lot's of times I just wanted to say this to other people. Thank you for sharing these words of wisdom. Know if we could just get the message to others.

Very well said Linda....as if it were my own thoughts ....  so very true.

also {{{{Teresa}}}} Hugs to you... we all have those days where we would like to run away. 

Now when ever I hear these sad stories of children passing through Sandy Hook... or tornados... I wonder if we will meet these new {parent members) here.....  and it is as if they are "Crossing Over"  to our world..... I say a prayer for all of them who are becoming "Us".....

Hugs to everyone..... PEACE 

Linda,

I love your letter. I used your words to email my daughter, sister and husband. I added this last sentence.

Again, I pretend everyday in public, always remember that. When I am with you my family, I don't pretend and need your support

It will be 2 years  on may 26 and i miss my 15 year old son more then i can describe. It seems that so many young children are dying and I don't know if this is how it always was or is it getting worse.  I am so sad that more mothers will lose their babies. I cry out in my sleep and wake myself up and remember.

Linda, your comment is what I want to shout at people but don't have the energy or the anger to do it over and over because i am too sad and feel very old and tired, How could anyone think we are not reminded of our loss every second of every day, sleeping or awake. I like it when people ask me about Gabriel. I could talk about him for hours and days. I dream of him every night and he is always different ages in my dreams...don't quit understand this ?

Hey Linda, thanks for that, you said it all!

Linda, I agree, the name of my son is really music to mt ears.Yesterday I had to go out a little far of and while in the train, i kept searching faces to see if I could spot my darling.Of course I couldn't but he remains in my heart all the time and I keep sending love to him. Very many times when I feel peace in my heart I know he is there and making me feel all is well.

Vasanthi,

My bed is near a window. I could hear my son drive up with his music or hear the sound of his beloved truck. I double take while driving for his Ford150 midnight blue truck to pass me with him smiling. With the tears flowing, I have not pass him in 7months now..Days just keep passing

I am so angry.  The kid who killed Derek got 3 years. Killed one another was critically injured another and only got 3 years. Now he wants his sentence reduced. I am everyone to write letters got it  out on social media. He needs to do his time. Praying I can stop it. Sell drugs you get years kill someone and its only three. When it came to my boys I was there. Right or wrong I was there. I will there when that killed him is in court. I have a t show rt with Derek and his son it. Will be wearing it. Coming to terms with it has been really hard.prayers are a comfort

It broke my heart to read of your losses. My prayers are with you.

It broke my heart to read of your losses. My prayers are with you.

my birthday was a couple of days ago and it was already tuff without my son.my daughter was on her way to see me and was struck by a car just 5 blocks from my home all i had was flashes of my son laying there dying and ask the lord not another one because its only been 9 month ago i buried her brother i couldn't handle loosing another child not now,i arrived at the hospital and my daughter had very bad road rash her ear was tore off they had to reattach it,her back was broke its going to take some time but god gave me my daughter and me another chance thank you for letting me vent. 

Milt,I so totally understand what you are saying. My son too used to have a bike and later his car. The bike he loved cos it was there since he was 3 yrs old. Sometimes he would park it down and ask me to keep an eye on it. I would say ,why?' and he used to say ," mummy cos it is a living thing!!"I know the sound of his bike so well I was a single parent and he is my only son so i mourn yet I know that being the sweetheart he was, he is in a wonderful place for God did not make a world where people come and go at random. In times of distress, I firmly hang on to God who in his utter love and wisdom will never fail us. Milt, Linda, our children are fine , never doubt that and they love us and will always be there for us, do not doubt that. Linda that scare about your daughter would have shaken anyone. Hang in there...Love to all the parents who are suffering this most wounding loss and you are all in my prayers.

Linda, It was your son that kept her protected. Thinking of you and your daughter today.

Vansanthi I do the same thing.  I look for him even though I know I won't find him.  I call his phone even though I know he won't answer.  I asked God everyday, "Please just give him back."

Teresa, am praying for all here. I had worked for one year without a stop after I lost Micks... then I found it all too much-- and 'took a break' since Jan 2013.. well now its time for interviews again and I find my self dreading the question, " so who all are there in your family, do you have children  etc".. Twice in a panel interview I cried while saying that well I had the best boy any mother could have wished for ... and then I wonder who will employ a vice principal/principal for a school when she is sniveling at the mention of 'son'... sighhh Monday I have another interview and I am steeling myself. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother going for inetrviews yet the option is to sit and stare .. my parents live in the next flat-- we had made a connecting door as I used to work outside very often so when Micks came home my mom used to take great care of him with so much of love.. I imagine what it is like for her to have her only grandchild whom she adored not there anymore and have to look at me trying to put on a brave front... sometimes i wish i was all alone so i didn't have to put on a front and sometimes i dread losing my mother too as she is 75.I'm scared I will lose everyone. hmmm well today an ex student of mine was visiting and she is a year younger than Micks and was his friend too. We went out shopping and for a movie-- in the movie I saw the young hero looking so appealing and seeing him I missed my son terribly. I told my friend Reens this is very difficult for me-- she said I can imagine but who can? well I'm glad to be back home again now...I opened his cupboard and smelt his favorite shirt and felt somewhat comforted.

Adrianne, I know exactly what you mean.  The last couple of weeks I have been thinking so much of all the things our son helped with.  We didn't thank our son enough either.  Seemed like we paid more attention to what he didn't do than what he did.  So sad.

Hope everyone has a decent day today.  I am hoping to just veg and not think of the holiday except for those that gave their lives in service.

Sending prayers and hugs to all.

Adrianne and Ammy- It is sad to wish you had said things or had not said things. But I think they know and all is forgiven. I believe that but truly wish I had done exactly what you said and told him more often of the wonderful things he was and did and not focus on what he didn't do. So many emotions to work through and deal with! It's so hard and I feel for all of us who have to go through this. Prayers to all.