I am trying to move forward.  Iam gettig out of the apt more often. joined a gym that is all women helps me too. I have joined a couple groups one on trauma the other is conflict resolution. I have been visiting family I am doing victum impact I want to put their thoughts on it. Dereks death has been devastating for me. there are others a twin brother who is not going to be there.  the baby left behind. in the middle of this i had water issues was coming up through the floor. tomarrow they are taking out the old.

For those of you that see a little relief I am happy.  The other comments I know so well.  I have had days of relief that I thought the really hard part was over, but it always seems to return.  Today is Wednesday and I can never seem to start a Wednesday with out the memory of those police knocking on our door, and then I have lost most of what happened after that until the memorial service.  Two and a half years on the 14th and I can't seem to stop keeping track of the time.  Always counting the months and weeks.  Wish I could forget.  Feel like I have OCD as for the time.  I don't want to forget him, as it seems others are doing.  That hurt is almost as bad as the hurt of missing him so much.  I'm a mess today.  I am going to have to get distracted by something.  I am also feeling selfish that I NEED something, but I don't even know what that is.  Is there anything that really helps?  I have only found temporary relief from my faith, as I do believe that I will see my son again one day, but how long is that going to be?  It's not like planning a trip where you have a date set, an expectation. 

Sorry for my woe is me feeling today.  Just needed to empty my head a little.  Too many thoughts racing around this morning.

Sending hugs & blessings to all.  

Hey Ammy, I totally understand what you last posted, we all have these racing thoughts I'm sure. I am also happy for any of us walking in our shoes that has found some relief. Sending hugs back to you and all members.

This past Saturday made three months since that horrible Friday morning when on my way to work one of my worst fears came true I came upon an accident and when I seen the back end of that truck I knew it was my son Joe's. I did not see the men holding the sheet off to the side all I could see was how badly his truck was torn up. I remember trying to run towards his truck and all these firemen and this other man just kept saying how sorry they were. I thought everything was finished with the insrance and I get home from work to find a letter from the insurance telling me that they need me to fill out more paper work. I think it this pain gets worse everyday not better. I do not understand how God can take someone so young with their whole life still ahead of them. sorry everyone I just needed to rant a little so I can try and get some sleep which seems to not come very easily these last few months.

It's ok Shirlee, we all have to "rant" sometimes. I know what you mean about sleep not always coming so easy. Sometimes, bedtime is the worst for me, seems like that's when my "scary" movie begins, I relive those moments and days leading up to my son's passing away. Can be quite torturous. Sending hugs.

I miss you so much Gabriel, how could you really be gone.  after 18 months I am still firghtened to the bone of a life without my 16 year old baby boy.  I want to hear "hey mom" 20 times a day. this is someones elses life not mine. My purpose on earth was to be Gabes mom,  his dad and I don't know where or how we got here in this place. I woke up the other nite and almost asked wheres Gabe and then I remembered

Shirlee & Toni, I am so sorry that you have had to join us in this awful unnatural life event.  This is the place to vent your feelings, and it's beneficial for you to do that.  Holding everything in is not helpful.  You both are experiencing what I call the 'roller coaster ride' and it seems it's a never ending ride, but you gradually adjust to the highs, lows, twists and turns.  We will always have a sadness and a yearning for our children, but eventually we learn what we need to do to cope.

I just passed the two and a half year mark and I believe Karen R. is a little past 3 years.  We are not who we use to be, but we are surviving.  Do not give up and do whatever it takes for you to go on.

I pray for everyone here to have those days when we almost feel a little 'normal'.  God's blessing to you all & sending hugs of understanding & comfort.  ooo

Dear Shirliee and Toni

You are in safe company.Sometimes you just feel like you will explode if the pain doesn't subside just a little. It helps me to walk or move. It was 2 months last Sat night that I lost my sweet boy Daniel. He was 17. It was my birthday yesterday and my husband's is this coming Sat. It was so hard. I know what you mean about wanting to hear "Hey Mom". Oh God I miss him so much and I just want to reach out and give him a hug and for life to be bearable again. I am so sorry for your pain and for everyone who has to endure this loss.

By the way - Have any of you experienced seeing 11:11. We had that experience this week and it felt very real. My husband was setting the alarm clock in Daniel's room which had gotten unplugged. He wasn't sure what time it was so he went into our room to check the time on his phone. As he did, it was 11:11. Just then the clock in Daniel's room beeped. He went in and it was set to 11:11. At the same time I was walking our dog and decided to look at my phone for the time. It was 11:11 and I thought that was unusual. When I got home, my husband told me about his experience and I couldn't believe that I had looked at the same time. When I told my meditation teacher about it she said "Oh that's significant. That is the time that heaven's doors open." What? So I started researching 11:11 and it turns out that it seems to be a spiritual digital code for spirit guides to contact us. There is an amazing amount of information and experiences out there and I never knew about it. It is called the 11:11 phenomenon. I know it was real. I know Daniel visited us. My husband has always been a skeptic but after having his own experience, he feels it too. So be mindful and if you see 11's all the time or happen to glance at the clock at 11:11, someone may be trying to guide you or just trying to say "hi". It gives me some peace. Google it and you will be intrigued by what you find.

Sending peace and love to all of you.

Connie

thank you Connie I had never heard that about the 11:11 I will have to look into that. I do not pay much attention to time any longer as I just try to make it through each day. I know that March will be a rough time for me as Joe's birthday is the 23rd. The lucky thing is my husband does not remember birthdays and if I can keep my mouth shut he will get through it. He is having such a hard time. I just try to keep my grief to myself so as not to upset him as I do not want him to have a heart attack and Joe would not want his dad upset. I hope that all of us that are going through this horrible time can find a way to move on.

Wow, love that ino Connie.  Will do some research on it.

Shirlee- that is one of the hardest things about losing your child- you have to watch your spouse go through the same thing. I'm like you, I often wont vent to Justin because I know his emotional burden is already heavy.

Its been almost a year and a half for us. On New Year's Eve I got a positive pregnancy test. Two weeks later I went to the ER and they did an ultrasound and there was no baby. We were really disappointed. I feel like all of this progress I have made in getting through losing Ivy and now the miscarriage is just making it harder.

So sorry Michele. I have also suffered multiple miscarriages before I had Daniel. One was at 5 months. It was devastating and I have never really gotten over that. It's so unfair. I feel your pain and send you loving prayers.

Connie

Hello to all. Still hoping that I will see my son sitting on the bed when I open the door, still struggling with the thought of having to "accept" this! How could I ever "accept" such a thing? Still not sure why I'm expected to do so. This pain is relentless. Keep being told that these "things" happen or that we will all meet the same fate, that everyone will have their time.....but somehow, those notions don't ease my pain, they don't ease my anxiety. I wish we never knew this kind of pain, for surely there is none like it! Still finding it hard to speak of or think of my son in the 'past tense', that seems so cold to me, makes me feel like he's being forgotten. He's ALWAYS going to be my son. Guess that's why I struggle with his passing birthdays, will he forever be 21 or should I say his current age. I always count him when someone asks me how many children I have.....sometimes I explain that he passed away, sometimes I don't. Does anyone else give their another year as time passes or do you just keep their age when they passed away/crossed over? I have a friend that lost his wife and he says that for him, he has never giving her a current age with passing birthdays, just curious how some of you feel about it?

Karen

You are not alone in hoping you will see your son sitting on his bed. We have security cameras all around our house so that we can keep an eye on our dogs. One of them shows the dirveway and street and at night I just sit and wait for Joe to pull into the driveway. I have not yet had to deal with Joe's birhtday yet as it is coming up on 3/23. I am not so sure how I will handle that. I know that I do not plan on telling my husband that it is Joe's birthday as he does not remember any birthdays. So I am hoping that he will forget again this year. See I have two children a daughter Nicole and son Joe. No matter what I am still his mom. My husband adopted my daughter so our son was his only biological child and although he does not say it or show that he is not our daughter's father by blood I know that losing our son has just about killed him litterally. Joe was not only his son he was my husband care giver while I was at work. he did everything for his dad. They were best friends and now my husband is lost. We are trying so very hard to move on but as of yet we have not been able to get past one day without tears. I truly hope that all of us are able to piece together some way to learn to live without the child we lost.

Hey Shirlee, we will always remember our children....they are so much more than a mere memory, they are our children, they had a life. I just want my son back and my once happy life. I also have other children, people mean well when they say "at least you have other children", well, you can NOT replace one with another. You don't want to have to bury any of your children, I could only imagine that losing your only child is double hard, even though my surviving children don't replace their brother, I am ALIVE today because of them but I don't have a LIFE. This is just so hard.  Many hugs to you and your husband.

Losing an only child is so hard I can't express it. I feel like my future is gone as well. I mourn the grandchildren I will never have and do struggle with my purpose now. I can only hope to do something with what's left of my life that will make him proud. I think I need to become all that I wanted for him. I feel guilty for not being the best I could while he was alive. I keep feeling like if I had just done something different or better, his path might have been different too. I miss you my sweet boy -so much that some days I feel like I cannot breath. But I do and don't know why. Such a hard day today - even though I know his spirit is with me. I need a hug from him!

I truly believe that grandparents, uncles, aunts, parents, friends who have passed on is their with our children.  I saw a psychic a little after my son died and found out that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law was there to meet my son when he passed on.  It provided some comfort to me that he wasn't alone when he crossed over.

I wanted to share the t-shirt quilt I finally finished.  It took awhile, it was painful but at the same time I needed to do this.  It's like a way to make sure he's not forgotten because it will go to my older son when I pass and from there to his kids I hope. 

I just have to share. I have been told by two doctors that I was having a misscarriage. I went into the doctor thinking I was going to schedule a D and C. They did an ultrasound just to make sure there was no baby. And there was. And everything is fine! I was so depressed about losing this pregnancy and it just made me miss Ivy sooo much more. I am still in complete shock.

So sorry Michele.  Sending you hugs.

Adrianne, you're not alone.  Reality really hits hard and some days are unbearable.  But we muddle through it in a haze in order to function.  Peace be with you and everyone here on this site.

Today would have been my nephew's 29th birthday. He has been gone a little over three years and it has been 17 months since I lost my son, Zach. I kept trying to picture them together with other family members up in heaven having a huge party. It helps me to believe that my parents are finally able to meet my son, and to be with him until I can be with him again some day. I haven't been on for awhile, it is so sad to see new members because I know another parent is having to endure the most excruciating pain that we have all had to endure. I will say, for me, I do have some days where I can think of Zach and smile over a memory. I won't lie, there are still days when it will hit me hard, but I remember that I have felt the pain before and survived it and that helps me know I can get through this with God's help one moment at a time. Praying we all can find some peace. Hugs.

Dear Kari

 I am so so sorry for your all of your loss of your son.  I wish I could take away some of your heartbreak but can only offer support and a safe place to share your feelings. My son passed on Dec.1, 2012 as a passenger in a car accident and it seems like yesterday. As time goes on many people act like we should be getting back to normal. Like Michele said in her post,  I don't know what to do with myself. Daniel was my only child and he was sick with Crohn's and I only work part time so I could be there for him. Now at 3pm when I would normally pick him up from school, I feel so lost. But today I will go to the accident site with flowers and a valentine for my sweet angel boy. Oh God I miss him so much I can barely even write the words. Sending everyone love and support on a difficult day to get through. Connie

Hello Kari, so sorry that you have joined our "club", I haven't been on in awhile but have been a member more than 3 yrs now. I haven't lost a parent but I know the pain all too well relating to losing your child. My pain and sorrow is as fresh today as it was when my nightmare first began. It still bewilders me that I can actually say that I am a member of such a group, I will NEVER accept what has happned to my son. You will find a lot of support here, thats for sure. No one will judge or criticize your thoughts and feelings. My hearts with yours as well as all parents that are walking in our shoes.  Sending you many hugs.

This is my first time coming to the grp. I lost my son/daughter inlaw last on July 13th, a friday last yr. I will nvr look at that date the same. They were in a headon collision, and died on the scene. I lost my mother the yr b4 to cancer. We didn't know she had it, she nvr complained, or anything. She went to the hospital one day, and a wk l8r she was gone. We did bring her bk to her home to pass so she was there. Ive gone through many losses, but this last one, was the worse.

Ive not took time to grieve, Ive just buried it along w/my kids. Ive been helping the family deal w/all their problems. Im hoping coming here will help some.

My husband was in the hospital recently, and almost passed as well. But, luckily they were able to save him. I don't think I could handle another loss, especially my husband. He has been my rock through all of this, to lose him would push me over the edge.

I wish I would've insisted my kids come to my home, instead of going to theirs that day, then I might still have them here. I was on the phone w/them just minutes b4 the crash. I will nvr, ever forget the policeman coming to my door. I pray to all of u who have children, nvr go a day w/o telling them you love them. I had that last chance to do that. But, it isn't the same as tellin them in person.

Too much grief in such a short time takes it toll on a person. I pray to all of you, I hope that God will ease ur pain, and make ur grief a bit more tolerable. Nothing will bring them bk, but time may heal the pain.

God Bless you all.

Hi Shaun

 I am so sorry for all of your pain. I too will never forget the officer and coroner coming to my house that. night. But I already knew because the driver's jerk of a brother posted it on Facebook. I had to just wait for them to arrive and hope it was wrong. Nothing will ever be the same and I hope I can find the strength to make it through this life without him, my Daniel, my only child and sweet angel boy.

It is too much grief. I wish I could help take some away. I just read "Proof of Heaven" by Eben Alexander. Very interesting and somewhat comforting. God bless. Connie

Hello Kari, I am so sorry that yet another is experiencing this kind of pain. As I read your posting, I thought to myself, your words are my words. I understand that intense anger. Sometimes I feel like I could kick a tree down, I feel like I will explode, sometimes my silent cries turn into sobbing, then screaming. I don't understand this "thing", I don't see how I will have peace within. I can only hope for it, for surely this torturous....just one problem, I only see the solution to being able to have my son back, I want him back, I want my life back, I am living but not alive. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

Sending hugs

Hi Shaun, I give you my heartfelt condolences.....so sorry. We can really be dealt some awful cards in this thing they call life. Sometimes I feel like this life is like some kind of cruel joke. These "things" always happen to someone else....we never think that we could be the "someone else".

ty all for ur support, and comments. My heartfelt words go out to u as well. Loss is a difficult thing to go through, and even moreso when doing it alone. Its always nice to have somewhere to go, and chat, and some1 who listens, and knows what its like. So, ty all again. God Bless

Thinking of you all and feeling your grief along with my own.  Sorry to see we have new members ans so sorry for your loss(es), but this is a good place to be since you had no choice in this. 

I know I posted on Saturday and responded to Adrianne and Dennis and posted something I received from a friend, but I don't see it here.  I probably forgot to hit the 'Add Comment' button.  

Felt like I was adjusting for awhile, but 'IT' came back again and my mind has been partially absent again.  Some days I can't stop it from racing to the past, to the future, to the now.  I'm empty, I'm broken, I'm lost, I'm lonely.  I keep thinking, It should have been me.

I'm still waiting for answers from the DA, the Coroner, and the Board of Physicians.  Hoping all this will be over by July.  I keep telling myself that the 3 year mark will make a difference, but I am probably just fooling myself and I have to fool myself some days just to get through.

I have looked for that writing I wanted to share but I can't seem to find it right now, and that doesn't surprise me either.

Sending you all blessings & hugs.  ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°  °♥ ˚  

Hello to all of you who belong to this site but never wanted to.  I have been so stressed out, crying & sad most of the time. I started a new job about a month ago and I travel to various offices, every day could be somewhere different.  I said something about this before; woman/mothers talk about thier children - that's what they do & each and every time someone brings up thier children I have to put my head down, or somehow otherwise avoid the conversation. I HATE IT!!I want to confide in someone but because I travel everyday there is no-one I can talk to or be honest with. I either have to lie or (preferably) just hide and hiding is making me feel very alone and somewhat depressed. This just plain and simply sucks!!  Not just the work stuff but missing my pain in the a-- son Jimmy. He and I were so close and we would fight about certain things and when we fought it was a full blown, down for the count kind of fight. He was a character to say the least and he was troubled and he was the most thoughtfull, caring person I knew/ still know (never known someone as loyal as Jimmy). I've almost made up a lie about Jimmy to avoid the awkwardness of these Mommy conversations but I wisely decided against it - realizing I'd have to keep up with this lie forever and I'm not a liar, not by nature. Why did this happen? What can I possibly get from this experience? Beside sadness, lonliness and regret I see absolutely nothing good. I think "look forward to the future with my other 2 children" and I am grateful don't get me wrong, I just don't want this to be a life without Jimmy. People are moving on, life goes on and no-one understands how sensitive and sad losing a child makes you. No friends really when it comes down to it - no real, true friends. I'm so sad and lonely - isn't that lyics from a song (Elvis)?? This is just too much!!! I will never fit into this life again, life will never be truly happy again. There will be happy, good things in life but I myself will never be happy, truly happy, again.

Hello to all, so many of us can relate to you said Sophia, I definitely can. I can't even begin to understand this new life of mine without my son, regardless of me having other children....damn it, I want ALL of my children!!!!!!!!! I want my happy life back. I don't believe I could survive this without being able to talk to others who unfortunately understand, all of the "somebody elsers" so to speak, meaning like I previously mentioned, that these tragedies always happen to to somebody else.....NOT us. Just the thought of days to come without my son inferiorates me. I feel like I burn out the 'have nots', meaning those who are fortunate enough to have all of their children so they can't relate, with my grief and talking about my son. Some I feel still think they are protecting me by not mentioning my son, while in fact it's upsetting because I take that as they have forgotten him, like he never existed. They probably don't mean it that way but that's how it feels.

Does anyone have days where you can't look at your child's picture? It's funny, I have my son's picture in a heart pendent around my neck everyday, yet there are days when I can't look at his photo albums or I block his pictures on my dresser with other photos of my other children. Then there are other days that all I want to do is look at all of his pictures, every single one of them, including videos. The videos are the ones that make me sob the most, especially the ones of him playing his keyboard. Some days I have to put one of his that I keep in my closet way in the back where I can't see it and other days where I need to see it as soon as I open my closet. None of this seems real to me.

Sorry, I left out that it is one of shirts that I keep in my closet.