My thoughts are with friends here.  I know the holidays can be especially difficult with those around us making merry & bright while we can't wait for them to be over.  I went to the mall with my daughter and her baby last night; the first time in four years.  The last time I went was with my son, who had just found out that his cancer had progressed.  We had spent several days in the hospital, and he insisted on signing himself out.  It was, after all, Christmas.  That year he bought his big sister a collection of books they had read as children; his middle sister he built a computer for even as he could hardly bear to sit on the floor to assemble it; and his little sister, who although she was in her early twenties was "his baby" a sterling silver necklace with the "evil eye" to protect her.  God I miss my funny beautiful son.  Life is much less magical without him here :-(  

Thinking of all who visit this page for support, understanding, to vent -  &  of all our loved ones so VERY VERY MISSED.    

I hate this time of year- The tears are a constant stream down my face until I get this hard feeling that is so dead inside- but, I function that way-  so it is the better place to be I suppose.  So would people rather see tears OR  a person so dead inside... hummm.  ???      neither - but- the old me died with my son,  why don't they understand that?.  

I just went to church this morning for the first time in a very long time. It was good for me, many tears, but hopefully will help me during this horrible painful time. I asked the pastor to please pray for my son, me and all my family and friends who are grieving at this time. The last few days I have cried so many tears. Friday would have been Zach's 24th birthday. We had many of his friends over, and several of my daughters' friends over too to help celebrate Zach's birthday. It was a very difficult day but  having the people who loved Zach her so very much was helpful. We got balloons and everyone who wanted to wrote a message to Zach on a balloon and then we let them go. My granddaugther, Lucy, really wanted to do that to send her Uncle Zach a message. We also had a slide show playing on our tv with pictures of many happy times shared with Zach over the years. If you wanted to sit and watch you could, or you didn't have to if it was too painful. I still can't believe he is isn't here, but when I look at my arm where I have the tattoo that I got in his memory I know it must be true. I pray for all my friends on this site who are grieving during the holiday season. I pray that we all chose to be survivors, and that we stick together and help each other through this. I pray for Sandy and her family, so much sadness for them, I can't even imagine. Big hugs to you all my friends, we can make it through one day, one moment at a time, we do not have to do it alone. Robin

Karen I understand just what you mean when you say the old you died with your son.  It feels exactly like that. The life I had 2 years ago is not the life I have now, nor will it ever be that life again. How can it?  Now instead of easily saying I have 4 children, 3 boys and one girl, it stops me in my tracks as I try and decide how to answer that question.  I end up saying I had 4 children.  Plus now I have another empty spot in my heart where the piece that belonged to my darling husband used to be.  Nope, life is not the same.  The path is forever changed.   

I always add my son when people ask, Anna, since he will always be my son.  People get so awkward about these things; we sometimes are made to feel uncomfortable because others can't handle it.  As if life isn't changed enough, some people feel that we should forget about our beautiful children.  It's not going to happen, and that is why I am happy we have each other to talk with here.  Hugs to all

Hello to all, I love lillies by the valley, thanks for posting that suicide hotline number. And Karen I too feel like I died with my son. None of this is ever going to be "ok". I am still amazed how somehow I get through each day. Bedtime is still the worse for me, that's when my torment multiplies. I have been exhausted everyday for that last years since the loss of my son, I watch tv to distract me but I toss and turn all night. I have to confess that I often get up and go down stairs to the kitchen hoping to fine my son raiding the refrigerator or using the microwave, i still look out the window searching for him. I still send him text messages, no longer calling his cell because I cant stand to hear that message-"no longer in service". And Lorraine, you probably know that I have also said many times that I refer to my son in the present tense when I speak about him to friends and family because he will always be my son, he had a life, he wasn't a figure of my imagination. Maybe I am a little harsh but I really don't worry about who feels "uncomfortable" when I refer to my son in the present tense. I certainly don't enjoy making people feel uneasy but I am going to worry about it. I only hope that they don't experience this type of pain in their lifetime.

It's amazing, I use to love to dance and have a good time but now, no matter what the occasion, I simply cant do it, absolutely no desire. I couldn'y even dance at my own daughter's weddind! and that was a happy occasion. I know that it's it's no one's fault but when I watch people dance and laugh, I sit and watch and I say to my self, what is wrong with these people, don't they know that my son passed away?!!! Don't they know how unimportant that is?!! Don't they know that my son is in the 'friggin' ground all alone because his life was robbed from him?!! Or, I'll just become so overwhelmed and start to cry because think of how much my son enjoyed parties and music and dancing, especially at family gatherings. Sometimes guilt alone will stop me from having a "good" time, I'll feel like my son will think that I have forgotten him.

Thanks for letting me ramble on and vent, my children tell me that oneday I will be able to dance again.

I miss my son.  It's my first Christmas without him in it.  I put up the tree and bought a wolf ornament in memory of him.  We have other ornaments he had made in grade school.  Those are hanging next to the beautiful angel we hang up every year.  My heart aches, it's hollow and lacks joy this year.  I miss his smiling face, his playing his guitar and piano.  Yes, we're all not the same people we were.  All of us have experienced a terrible loss.  We've experienced the kind of grief that cuts to the core of our souls.  So no, I'm not the same person I was prior to March 3rd, 2011.  I'll never be that person again.  For 2012, who will I be?  I hope a better person.  I hope I find some kind of peace.  I hope I gain strength from this god awful nightmare.  I pray we all find peace this Christmas day.  I pray that a guiding light finds its way into our hearts and begin the healing process even if it's just a little bit.  Hugs to all of you.

Just saying hello and sending many hugs to everyone.

Went to the cemetery yesterday to decorate my son's grave.  It was so difficult.  I would have never thought last year at Christmas that this year my gifts to him would be decorations on his grave.  I am just broken.  So many decorated.  Some had large trees, even as high as 4 feet.  With lights.  So many broken people.  

Hurting - Hurting - Hurting -   Wishing all of you strength to endure this time of year that  high-en most of our pain as others joyfully celebrate..  when all we want to do is rewind time....    (( tight hugs everyone ))  

Yesterday, In Memory of Niles, we donated $300 from our Niles Benefit Fund to a volunteer group of pilots who helped fly our friend to a transplant hospital..... for his Pancreas and kidney..... I was talking to the pilot about the Niles Fund and him being an organ donor and he suddenly realized we were the parents of a 14 year old deceased child... he said  gee I did not realise that this was your child because you were talking in the 3rd person party.... I told him if I talked and thought about what words I said; I would fall apart and have a terrible time doing this Fund Work....

But in the end it helps me to Honor the life of my son by giving these "Random Acts Of Kindness"  Checkes to programs and people this time of year.... makes me see that there are others still struggling and it makes me honor Niles....

With that all being said... in my alone time I can't help but being preoccupied with his memory and missing him.  I feel blessed to offer this kindness to others yet wonder how long I will be able to continue this mission.

Oh Grace I  understand that-     We lost our Brad @16 -He too was a donor.     We also have a Memorial fund in Brad's name & try to do good with it.  One of the funds his friends & our daughter started within their high school; it was a game to raise funds to then give a scholarship & to St. Judes Hosp. etc. - Well, lets just say the school made it so hard on them to do this.  now that my daughter too has graduated as Brad's friends before her.   She is letting it go.   It hurts her so much to let it go but, for us to beg to do this with in the school is too draining on our daughter.   They say it glamorizes death.    I all hurts so much-  But, the hockey community do one that I hope will continue & I also have always run a ski club that has become a memorial ski club.  So we still give in our sons name but- it drains me so much-    the ski memorial night lands on what should have been his 21st birthday this Jan.    and I am sick inside.  But- will continue as long as I can-  For BRAD to continue doing good in our son name.  

Since my son was an Eagle Scout, we donated $1000 to the James E. West Endowment in his name and wrote in our will for the Boy Scouts of America to recieve 10 % of my estate with the rest going to my nephews and nieces. It was the best organization I ever had a chance to work with. I know the money will be put to good use.

I don't know how one would "Glamorize death?"  crazy!   Does not matter how one died... it is never Glamorous for those of us left behind is it?

Exactly Grace-    Not that it should matter the hows & whys - But, Brad was an honor student that did not survive a family auto accident & he was Not the driver.  

So I am clueless to the heartless Imbecile   Principal's that could say that to us. 

But, as I said no matter how one passes - that is such a rude, heartless, unfounded, comment.   

Very nice Grace & Dick-    Wonderful ways to honor your children. <3

I feel so sad with the holidays coming and another year to celebrate without my son.  I am trying so hard not to show my feelings and fall apart as my daughters will be here and after three years I think people expect me to keep it together, or at least hope that I will.  I just want to go to bed and not get up for a very long time instead of pretending it's okay... I miss the magic

Lorraine..... we need to adjust our expectations especially this time of year.   We may

have a more romantic memory of "Magical" because we are in grief.   It is a trap that we all put ourselves in on special dates.... the anticipation of these dates than when they actually come to be.... and really they were in the past too... we are just more sensitive to them.    I see this when I got to the store and see Toy Story stuff... because Niles LOVED Toy Story.... I can not even think to watch the 3rd one.... same goes with Sponge Bob.....     but then there are other times when I remember try to find that Perfect gift for him at Christmas and Stressing about it so much... wanting him to be excited... out expectation of kids opening presents to where WE ARE So Excessive.... to see them almost lose interest in the gifts because there were too many.... and remember the Babies enjoying the Box More!   I remember stressing and Niles not even Excited to open presents....

I guess what I'm trying to say is... we had Stress before too.... it is just Now we have more Romatic Memories......   Longings.....   And remember.... Jesus was in a Barn with nothing.... Christmas was not so Elaborate...... Hugs

OK PEOPLE  I'm trying to give us all a PEP TALK so we make it through the next couple of weeks.... Now if I can only convince myself...

so true Grace.  It wasn't about the things with Silas, because he was grown up, and the truth be told he hadn't spoken to me for a few years before he became ill, due to loyalty issues with his dad, unfortunately.  We both lost time we couldn't afford, as it turned out.  His last Christmas here he was very very sick, but made a point to buy his sisters special gifts, and we spent the day in his room as he couldn't get out of bed...  I don't do anything elaborate, but it is really the little things that I have always been able to pull off that I can no longer seem to do; the cookie baking, the tree, and music, etc.  I wish I didn't have to even think about these things, and yet I know that is not fair to the girls.  Sending hugs to all friends here

I am not sure if I ever posted the website I built for Danny. Here it is http://home.earthlink.net/~salmonids/memorialfordanielphilliphyde/i... .

I hope you can take a look. 

We are making a limestone bench for him to be placed in the church garden where he was a youth minister.

It is not enough, but I am doing what I can to keep his memory alive. His monument for the grave should be here after the new year. We had special symbols made for him; mementos of his proudest achievements - Eagle Scout, University degree, & Christian symbol. It took a little longer than  normal.

Nice memorial site Dick.... I do not have much computer savy..... don't even know how to post a profile picture here......    I drive School bus so I am also a commercial Driver.  Your son is strikingly handsome and vibrant looking.... I may have mentioned that before..... It is so hard to wrap my mind around how these youngsters are gone... when they look so "Alive"    Peace

Grace, LOL. He was a Diver not Driver. He worked in +100 feet of water which may have contributed to his demise. One his associates lost his life recently, so a dangerous profession.

OOPS!  Sorry Dick as you can see it was like 5AM as I was getting ready to drive a bus for disabled people to the Sheltered workshop.... I'm not a Morning Person.  But Commercial Driving is also a dangerous profession too... just ask those riding my bus.HEHEHE!   Sad to hear that another has lost his life too.....  maybe just as handsome as you Danny.... maybe that is why they look more physically fit than us Bus Drivers......   PEACE.

Nice memorial link Dick of your son.  Thank you for sharing.

Thanks, only takes some of the sting away.

well as I try to give us all a PEP Talk about getting through the holidays.... I find my mind preoccupied with Niles... Dreaming of someone taking away my precious time with him... and I just finish weeping in the shower again.... just weeping.... no explaination... just missing him.   How do we even try to explain to others why We are really NOT Over it even 2 1/2 years later.... 

Dick, thank you for sharing this link.  I love looking at the photo of your Danny, which is on your site as well as your profile picture.  What a handsome guy.  My son Silas also loved to scuba dive ~ no surf boards though.  So nice to hear about your son; I only wish it were under different circumstances that we get to know one another and our children, instead of this way....

I received a Christmas Card in the mail today, with a Holiday letter; it was from a friend who lost her daughter Kara to lung cancer a year after my Silas; Kara was diagnosed just a month after Sy and has two very young daughters...  I have to say that I look forward to my friend's card with letter that is of course sent to many others; it is different in that she always mentions how difficult it is without Kara, and how they are still grieving.  I think this is so brave of her, as we all know how people "don't want to hear it anymore" after 6 months or so...  Through her letters at Christmas I somehow feel validated, and it brings me a little sigh of relief that she is able to say this for all of us really.  Do you think that's crazy of me?  At any rate, it brings a little comfort~

Have been keeping myself busy, trying to buy gifts for my granddaughters and daughters. Tonight after I finished wrapping gifts, it hit me so hard. I still can't believe Zach will not be here this Christmas, how could this have happened. I  received a Christmas card and letter from a friend who I had not told. I called her, and she was all cheerful and excited to hear from me and I broke the news to her. It always is so hard to say, "Zach died". I don't think I believe it, but then the words come out of my mouth. It seems so silly, but I am dreading filling the stockings. I think that will be the hardest, I always loved getting little things that Zach would love to put in his stocking. I don't think I will not be able to put things in his stocking, it will break my heart. How is every one else dealing with the holidays. What have you all done in the past, for those of you that this isn't your first Christmas without your child. I am doing okay as long as I don't stop, I know I can't continue to go on this way. You are all in my prayers. Robin

My first Christmas without my Roxanne.  I've been throwing myself into doing "things". Anything to distract myself from the inevitable pain.  I've cooked so much, my cookware is screaming for mercy! Working for the Salvation Army, Christmas has always been a very busy and stressful time for me but this year I welcomed it, because it distracted me. Today my son comes home for a few days! I can't wait to throw my arms around him and hold on!  

Went to get all the little stocking stuff today. I usually love do that, this time it was so hard could not make a decision about what to get. Does anyone else have that problem now, can't make a decision, have a hard time remember things? Every year I have bought these mints with the brand name "Zachary" on them and put them in Zach's stocking. I looked all over the store for them. Seems like such a silly thing, but when I got in my car I just cried over them not having the mints. Changing things up a little this year, going to my daughter's house for Christmas morning to open gifts and then they will come to our house for dinner later. Looking forward to spending time with my granddaugthers, but I will be so glad when I can put Christmas behind me. Thinking of all of you who are missing a loved one this Christmas, I pray that you will have some peace and joy. God bless. Robin

Hi my name is Mary and I am new to this group. I just lost my son Dan to brain cancer in Aug and I am having such a hard time coping with it especially now at Christmas.

Tonight at 9 central time, I am going to light a candle.  After it is lit, I will close my eyes and think of my son, and all the sons and daughters we have mentioned here in this forum.  I will pray that somehow they all have met since their souls are tied to this group here in this forum through us.    Peace to us and light to our loved ones lost.  And let there be a soft light that shines on each and everyone of us tonight filled with our child's love and maybe for just a little while....our sadness subsides, our heavy hearts sigh, our tears stop, our soul reflects  Namaste to you my friends.

Merry Christmas, Danny.

Thank you Rosie for that idea. I too will light a candle in my son's memory and for all of us who have lost a loved one. Peace be with you all. Robin

Mary Elizabeth,

I too lost my son this August.  I am so sorry. All of us know your pain.  My prayers are with you and all of us today and tomorrow.  This is difficult enough. Christmas without our children is especially painful.  

Hello everyone, just feeling like my usual sad self, it;s getting harder for me to hold my tears when I am out in public. The "normal" rustle and bustle of everyone's life is really driving me nuts. It all just makes me feel how much people take life for granted. It reminds me how I took for granted that I would always have ALL of my children and they would bury me. When I went out to the store yesterday, I became so overwhelmed with sadness, it was like every young man I saw reminded me of my son, it's like I made them all look my son, regardless of their age or their ethnicity......I felt absolutely crazy. I had a panic attack, I have had so many. I so envious of any one I saw with their son. The crazy thing is I still have a son who is now 17yrs old and most people would think that he would help fill my void but the truth is, one child does NOT replace another.....it doesn't work like that.  If my younger son would have been the one I loss, my older son who is gone now, would not replace him either. The intensity of my pain would be the same for any of my children. I am so angry and for the past 2 years, bedtime is still the absolute worse for me, I lay there thinking of a way I can still "fix" this. When the morning comes, I am so exhausted and then I want to sleep all day so I can't think of my pain. My 7 yr old is my saving grace, she worries so much about me so I hide my torment has much as I can from her. Sometimes I find a place to hide if she is at home and weep quietly. She's the force that gets me through each day. Not that the older ones don't need me, she just needs me a lot more. I have to do her hair and help her with homework and I volunteer at her school, she is more needy.

Just really, really sad, feels like my tears won't stop. Thanks guys for listening.

Greetings Mary Elizabeth, I am so sorry that you are a part of this "club". We all unfortunately know your pain all too well. I am so sorry that yet another has had to bury thier child. In a perfect world, we would never know this pain. I am still suffering from the loss of my 21yr old son who you see pictured. I just made the 2 yr mark and my pain and sadness had not diminished one bit. This is something that will never be "ok" for me. I f you scroll through the many postings, you will a poem that I posted about suffering the loss of a child....i didn't write it but it sure feels like it. Just remember that no one will judge your feelings and your thoughts.

Sending you a big hug, Karen R.

I lost it this evening at the family Christmas eve party. Just too many people and too much action; my son is no longer part of it.

My niece is putting together a family album over the years; some pictures of my son in a much happier place and time were part of it. She also acknowledged his passing in the album. I can hardly say his name now.

I had a hard time at Christmas mass this evening. I think it is getting harder not easier.

Dick,  We all know how you feel...like I have said earlier... there is always going to be that empty chair at these holidays.  And I have caught glimpses of photos or memories that make everything so raw again...  photos of the past that beat us over the head and say sorry that isn't going to happen again because he is gone.

You will find though that even though you fell apart when you see that your Niece has Honored the memory of Danny.... You will feel positive that She and maybe the rest of the world has made a special place in thier heart to remember him.  He was here and his life made an impact on so many.    PEACE.

Peace.

To me it doesnt even seem like christmas without my baby here..i went to the cemetary yesterday and just cried and cried..life is not fair,my baby was only too when he was taken from this world in a cruel way..he had his whole life ahead of him,instead of celebrating christmas and being happy with him i feel soo empty..i cursed that bastard to hell and back yesterday..my oldest son asked me the other nite to not bring up caden or how much i miss him because it is hard enough on him..how do u go on and be happy????

Dick, I know what you mean about things getting harder.  I do feel that after 3 years I am finding little moments of peace.  But it is harder in that it has been longer since we have seen our children.  I held it together much better today than in the past two Christmases; the first year I could not get out of bed, and the second I got up but fell apart much of the day.  Tonight I am really struggling; such anxiety over Silas being gone.  It hits like a ton of bricks that he is really gone feels so surreal and yet too real at the same time.  How can that be?  I want my Sy guy back :-(  Finding the strength some days is just so exhausting... sending love to all of my friends here, and wishing you moments of peace

I made it through today, and I have to say I enjoyed being with my family. Spent the day with my husband, daughters, son-in-law and two granddaughters and watched them play and laugh. At dinner when we say our prayers and made a toast, I thanked God for my father and toasted Zach. I don't know if I should have done that though, after I did that everyone seemed sad. I felt like we all had a good day, and I almost felt guilty that I was able to get through it. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Yesterday and last night I cried so many tears, and I asked God and Zach to please give me some kind of a sign that he was okay. I didn't feel like I got that, but maybe my day today being easier was kind of a sign. Zach telling me he doesn't want me to always be so sad. I think that he would be sad if he knew that I spent my Christmas day not enjoying the family that is still here. I thank you God for giving me a reprieve today from my overwhelming grief, and i pray that Zach had the best Christmas with all our loved ones who are in heaven and that someday we will be together again. I love you and miss you so much Zach. Peace to all . Robin

that is good news Robin.... celebrate that you made it through the day and that there was even some joy....  I remember feeling a little guilty when my first husband died.... I cried for months and then on days  such as the one you had today..... I wondered if I should feel guilty to have some happiness after such misery....

But enjoy the day Robin.... this is what keeps us going it one day at a time..... this is where we need to hang on to the belief that "It does get better"  The Empty Chair will always be there but maybe the pain gets easier to cope with... and the happy memories we have sustain us.... and it honors the best part of Zach... Or in my case Niles (My Son) or Steve (my first husband) the life and the LOVE that has left such an impact on our lives.     PEACE

I am so glad this is over.  However, I was at the grocery store on Christmas Eve and they were taking down the Christmas decorations and putting up Valentine's day which is my son's birthday.  I can't get a break.  I miss him so much.