Sometimes I wonder...will the sorrowful, tearful, mentally distressing days ever stop?  Will I ever feel as if something lost within me is found again?  I feel incomplete.  I know God is here but the connection feels lost... my fault, I know . He is faithful and just and yet I am not able to always feel him.  Faith comes from within, its not proved by facts and science, so why do I feel I know he’s there, but ….I feel alone.  As if all his blessings are for others, but not for me.  I want to reach out and take his hand, but I cant find it.

Its a bit of a shock to the system when you start to come out of the fog to find that while the world in a sense stopped – it actually didnt – People carried on with their lives, and you're aware that time has passed, but how long.  Like it was just the beginning of summer, and now its autumn kind of thing, and I dont know how it happened.  I sort of know it was June and now its October.  So after a summer almost as bad as the one before, I'm a different person. I feel like I have lost that child like faith where you believe God will look after and protect you and yours , yet my faith in Him still continues.  

Is it a mistake to tell our children that He will protect you against harm when clearly He doesnt.  People do get sick, accidents do happen and there are evil people in the world who do harm.  Is God always there?  

For me, I have to believe He is with you and holds you and wraps you in His arms  even when you are unaware. 

Thank you for your prayers.

"I hate fall"  I have never liked fall ---  It always reminded me of death as all the leaves are falling off the trees -  etc..  Everything just looks worn out.  

....and now- I morn my son 10/19/07.    For me leading up the the anniversary of that awful awful day just drains me even more than the average painful day.  

Life just hurts now...!       Thinking of all of you feeling the same.!

Lorie,   I know that feeling as well,  Brad was 16-  He would be 20 now-  prom, graduation, all that was so hard to see his Friends do- (although happy for them)  my heart was breaking.   Then Our daughter who is 2 years younger than Brad-  got to do all that- she is 18 now & has started college.   It tears me up (again so happy for her)  but-  how can Brads little sister be older than him.....????? It all hurts sooo much... !!!!!

Lorie and karen.... As I read your comments... it reminds me that our son who had Autism was 14.... It was Memorial Day Weekend and our school graduation that fateful Sunday... as we were preparing to airlift him, I told my other son that his brother was really sick... I knew it was bad.  He wanted to pretend that his brother was going to be ok and decided he would go watch his friends graduate.  We had to call him out of Graduation to come to the hospital because his brother was not going to make it..... The following year our son Graduated... it was so hard get through his graduation... so many memories....

and afterward to see kids the same age as my Niles.

It was hard to see them and know that my son is gone...  How random life is to take my child away.  Yes... it is nice to feel "Happy" for them but sometimes I'm angry that I will not have that happiness.   Or I look at those that are 16 and think Niles would be 16.....   I have a cousin who has had a son live through non-hogkins lymphoma... he has had chemo all summer and is doing well... boy what a scare for them... and yet there is a BIG Gap between that boy surviving and my son being gone.... can those parents really relate to our pain?   Why has GOD showed mercy on them and not me?

And then again last week another family from my church lost thier son to a siezure.. (The beginning of the end for my son)... it really consumed my thoughts as to the pain this family was entering into this club we are all in of grief.

I am trying to find beauty in Fall... colored leaves.... yet it fades to brown.... Fall is such a time.... but then so are all mile markers...holidays....ect.

Hey Ammy, so well said! My thoughts are synonimous with yours in regards to faith. I feel so emotionally and spiritually beaten up. I no longer feel confident to tell my little one to have no fears because she will always be "protected". I also feel that lost connection.  I have moments when my anger make me feel like this life is some sought of cruel joke. When I ponder the time that has already passed, my sadness increases as it began with my son just passed away, then it was hours, days, month, first year and now the second year is too close for comfort. This is why most times I don't like to count, it just reafirms that my son is not here and that the world is going on without noticing that my baby is not here enjoying his life. I will NEVER be able to accept such a lost, never!

I find myself still distancing myself from all of my family and friends that try to reasure me that they care and are willing to listen but the truth is, deep down I feel like they don't mean it, it's just words. I loke to and need to talk about my son every chance I get and I feel like I will mentally burn them out with it. I feel like they don't want to hear it all the time, I don't feel like they really want me to call them at 3 a.m. when I am unconsolable or when I am feeling like giving up. There was atime when anyone would come over I would immediately greet them with a photo album filled with my son's pictures and the scrap book I made for him. I wouldn't even ask them first, I just gave it to them. Most of them pretended that it didn't bother them but it probably did. It's like I want the world to know my pain from my tremendous loss, I don't want them to forget my son.  Just this past weekend on Oct 1st, I was a family affair and a family member through marriage was there, unfortunately, just 2 wks before this event, her 29 yr old son was tragically killed, so of course I migrated right to her. We held each other and I apologized once again to her for my absense for her baby's funeral. Emotionallt I could not attend and she truly understood. While we were talking, a family friend took a seat at the table and I began to give her my phone to look at my son's picture and before I could hand it over to her, that family "friend", gave me a disappointed glare and he said, " you're still doing that?!", I said, "excuse You!", he said I have to let go and stop always showing his picture! I was furious, let's just say that when I was done, he was sorry that he ever said that to me. He tried to apologize but I will NEVER accept it! He is so clueless, he has his 3 children. My in-law that had just lost her son could not believe him.

Thanks to all for always listening and not judging

I have read all your comments this morning and I see how different we are and yet we're also the same.  I honestly can't always remember the facts of each child and sometimes I go to your homepage and review.  Karen, I went to yours this morning, but it's set to private.  I know that you are thinking about the 19th and probably remembering that day more now.  I'm also sorry for the way his school ignored him.  I understand your extra pain as I went through it this summer.  First his birthday, then his anniversary.  It does suck.  One day that used to be joyful is now just as bad as this new date I've had to add to my life.  

As I read of your losses and your pain and I relate to it so well, I am also having some feelings of guilt because I believe I had my son the longest.  I can't imagine how much harder it might have been if I had lost him at such an early age.  Would my grief be any different?  And yet, I also think on the other hand that I have extra sorrow because I have his daughter now and have been watching all the things she has started to do since he's been gone.  Learning to talk, to go potty, starting preschool.  And it always makes me think of what he's missing.  And she still misses him and wants him even though now she will say her daddy is in heaven, she still believes he is coming back.  I'm so stressed this week because Sunday is her birthday.  She will be 3 and we have to have a party for her, but I don't want to.  To see a toddler in grief is unreal and so unfair.  They just don't have the understanding of death.  We do, as adults, understand and look how it affects us.  I just can't imagine what she feels and it hurts when she asks for him.  When she was born, I was so proud of how he was such a hands on dad.  Now I wish he hadn't been.  Maybe their bond wouldn't have been so strong.  Sorry, I'm just venting all my thoughts this morning.  Another morning when I feel like I can't shut my mind and my tears off.  Thank you all for sharing, for being here, for your good thoughts.  I pray for your comfort as well. <3  

wow my emotions are so all-over-the-place right now. One minute I'm ok, happy, joking and then WHAM! the pain and sorrow hits me then after a brief cry I'm ok again. It's almost like hormone mood swings in pregnancy. It's coming up on five months since she died.  Did anybody else go through this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cR9cM5M6hTg

4 years today-    Missing you so much my Dear BRADLEY <3     

My son is so much more than a memory! he had a life

He is more than a memory, I carried him in my womb,

He is more than a memory, I experienced 8hrs of labor pain and was blessed with such a gift......surely worth all of that pain!

He is more than a memory, we bought him home and i would be in awe of him.

He is more than a memory, I watched him roll over to his side, sit alone, crawl and finally walk! I remember when he called me ma-ma....how sweet!

He is more than a memory, he was LION KING crazy and  obcessed with Michael Jackson!....doing all those dance moves!

He is more than a memory, I felt his pain when he broke his shoulder.

He is more than a memory, I felt his joy when he got the bicycle and racing set that he prayed for.

He is more than a memory, I felt his pride when I would come to his school performances and his nervousness when I would come to his little league baseball and basketball games.....he always told me I made him nervous, I wonder why, perhaps all of my screaming and yelling his name...lol!

He is more than a memory, he use to complain......behind my back of course, how annoying I could be with him missing class assignments or cutting school or not cleaning his room....go figure!

He is more than a memory, all he ever wanted to eat was pizza!

He was more than a memory, he was so proud of his 1st paycheck and always claimed that he had no money....even though he always did, that boy could hold on to a quarter, he was so good at saving money and spending everyone else's!

He was more than a memory, I know of all of his goals he set for himself, I know how much he enjoyed his young life.

He was more than a memory, he told me not to worry that he road his friend's motorcycle, even though I beggeg him not to.

He was more than a memory, I watched my baby lay there, critically injured, so helpless after that night of riding that motorcycle.

He was more than a memory, I watched him slip away from me....slowly, despite my pleas for his life to be spared.

I want my son back!

He is more than a memory, I felt his disappointment when I told him that I would NOT sign the permission slip for him to play football in the 7th grade.

Lisa, what a heartwarming comment.  I'm really happy for you that you were shown that love even though I know how hard it must have been.

And to all of you I have been thinking of you too.  I read the comments, but some times I just have to keep quiet.  I relate to much of everything you all are going through.  I think we all have so many of these emotions and hurts in common.  It's just indescribable at times.  Try to stay strong and try to enjoy what is left in life as often as you can.  I know it's not easy, but we need those things to be able to go on.  Sending my love and cyber hugs to all.  Have a blessed day.

i am thankful to have others that know how it feels to lose a child,  My oldest son passed nov.22,2009 I think thats the day my decent into hell began. I had a new grandbaby born a couple weeks before I really beleived that 2010 was the worst year of my life, i was having vision issues driving was getting really hard. I learned how slow things go. at the end i had learned about dying intestate and wrongful death suits. we were all waiting on checks when my little twin was struck and killed while doing community service. taking a break sitting in the bucket of a park tractor, a 29 year old child out doing drugs hit the tractor.  so the baby is turning two without his dad and my heart is broken.this summer has been terrible  hasn't been a day that i haven't thought of my sons.than i have had vision trouble,  cataracts. i was barely legal to drive in town and and only during the day' my totally great boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer He spent five weeks in a hospital 70 miles away,  the took his stomache out, i get totally overwhelmed,  i got my left eye done and it was better,  not great but better. and last week i got my right eye worked on. positive things are happening and i can't stop the tears.  Not sure how i am going to handle the baby's bday.  I didn't bury my boys i cremated and i have both of their  ashes.  in a generic urn and i can't seem to be able to put them in a real one,  i got a puppy and he has been a blessing he is a great therapy dog. poodle chiwawa mexican poodle. his name is buddy he is everybodys buddy,  very social and loves everyone. please keep me in prayers as nov gets here to soon

Yes.... folks... we are here because the pain is so big that we can not share it with our at "home" friends....  that is why after 2 years of feeling all alone in my grief... I looked online for a group like this to vent my sorrow...  In my world while I felt so Alone ... I would hear others tell me that my husband grieved differently..... this may be true but I still felt ALONE in my grief because my husband was not really talking about MY Pain or even HIS.  Our Marriage has taken a beating through this.... Maybe it is because I am angry and I am reviewing my life..... Maybe it is because I feel that I have needed him Most and he is not here for me.  Or others tell me that it is not just my grief but that the rest of the family has thier own way of grieving..... Yet They seem to be moving on without me.... and I STILL NEED TO HAVE SUPPORT.

I know that even my best friend would like me to just move on... she listens but you can tell she is uncomfortable talking about my pain.

I remember that I kept all of my son's medications... still have them hid.... It is like I have kept them in reserve and have thought about taking them all and just let my pain go away.... (This has been my secret... but yet I have told others... who I am sure are alarmed that I would even think about such a thing).....  I guess the good news is that even though I know that I have those pills... I have NOT taken them ...... Maybe because I am not convinced that there REALLY IS a GOD....and I would not be "Going" any place better.... (As In, He's in a Better Place)  don't think there is one.   Maybe even though We all feel this Terrible Pain and we believe that it does not get better with time... maybe we just find more reasons NOT to take those pills?  I guess I really also feel angry  to learn of someone else "Throwing thir life away when my Son just lost his for No good reason.... just a Random Siezure.

Others who may feel like we all just ought to snap out of it... or as Karen's Daughter may think we are here to Feed Off each other... well... maybe she is right..... OR MAYBE this Group helps us all talk and feel a little more sane.... maybe just enough to stay away from those Pills for another day.