Birthdays...........for my son's 1st birthday since he left us, we had a small birthday celebration or life celebration at home. Every minute leading up to it, I felt like I was going to call everyone and cancel it. I started to feel like was just going to lock my self up in my room but then I became eager to celebrate it. I made I had his favorite ice cream cake from Carvel's. He has had this cake just about every year of his life. He would always remind me to get him that cake, you would think at 21, he would maybe want a different cake but no way, this is his favorite! Most of his cousins his age came over, they were all super close, they were hanging out together all the time. A few of his closest friends also came over. As I placed the 22 candles, I began to weep, I couldn't believe that he was not there to blow out his candles but everyone there comforted me the best way they could and it helped me get through the rest of that evening. Everyone went around the room to tell a funny story about my son. Everyone knew his favorite saying......."Relax, it's NOT that serious!", oh my goodness, that boy said that for everything. Then everyone made fun of the way he danced, that made me laugh so hard, he did this one dance, no matter what the music was and everyone there knew this. Hearing my son's friends reminisce about him, especially when they were very little. This helped me so much, because I always have this fear that they will all forget about my son and that he will only end up being a memory to them. My son is soooooooooooooo much more than a "memory", he had a life and he will always be my son, he will always be my baby. The more they spoke about him, the better I felt. We played his favorite music artists music, Michael Jackson and Bob Marley, along with quite a few of my son's own music that he produced. He was a avid keyboard player and that was his dream/ goal to become this great music producer .He taught himself how to play. That boy would make beats/tracks all day when he wasn't at work. He had his own studio equipment. He lived for his music.

One of my daughters had told me that a birthday party for him would be too much for her to handle and that she would not attend but she changed her mind and was extremely glad that she came. She said that it also brought her so much comfort. I could actually feel my son's presence there, I could feel him standing next to me. We repeated the celebration for his last birthday when he turned 23. 

Everyone has different views on this, I know some people who would never consider doing what I did for whatever reason, to each, its own. Some people choose to go to their final resting place, I chose not. For me, at this time, that would be the last place I would go for my son's birthday. That dreadful place only intensifies my sadness and doesnt represent his life to me. I do however, go there ofetn, sometimes 3-4 times a week, because I like to maintain it, the same way I would have taken care of his room. Sometimes I just go there to drive pass it, I keep driving while convincing myself that my son is not there and none of this happened. I am crazy, I'm a nut case! lol! This can really make you crazy. I also make sure I maintain my son's memorial site at the intersection where all of this occured. I have flowers around his picture on a tree. I place balloons there often. There are some days that I can NOT drive pass there, I will avoid it. My father, till this day, will NOT drive pass that street.

Do what your heart feels, no one can judge you!

Love to all!

I wish to offer my condolences to all families. May God give you and your family peace and comfort during this time. God Bless you all!

We had a Celebration of Life dinner and held a small ceremony at the gravesite in honor of Kashmir's 21st birthday. My daughter's best friends did a wonderful job putting everything together. So many people came out! I was overwhelmed with the love shown for Kashmir. That turned a rough day into a great day.

Melissa, the last thing right now is for your to put on a face you just lost your daughter cry scream talk do what ever you have  to do to make it thru the next hour, your true friends and family will be there to pick you up, and we are here for you to vent to i lost my son 7 months ago and it still seems like yesterday he was only 17

Our son Jason, age 39, took his life in our home 10/15/10 around 5:00 am.  Life as we once knew it will never be the same.  He had was diagnosed as bipolar and was on medication. Every day is still a struggle.

Hey Melissa, just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel about your daughter's things. I have a pair of my son's work gloves, they still have his scent too. Somedays I can smell them and others, I can't but I would go crazy if someone got rid of them. I also have one of his hats out where I can see it and it still has his scent also. Some of his tee shirts I gave to my younger son but that's where it ended. My daughter let him choose the ones he wanted, I couldn't be present for that because I didn't want to see my son's clothes. It's weird, the sight of his clothes puts me over the edge and increases my pain but at the same time, I feel like I will NEVER get rid of them. I think it would be symbolic of me getting "rid" of him........and that's not possible!  The mere thought of parting with his belongings throws me into a zone that I can hardly get out of. I have made it clear to everyone in my household that, absolutely, under NO circumstance, should anyone remove or give away anything of his things or I will have their head!!!!!!  By my request, I asked my father to put my son's things away in one container and few bags and hide them out of my sight so the location won't be obvious to me. He was the only one that could do it, it was too emotional for anyone else and I would have NEVER been able to do it. I feel like I am crazy, actually, I know I am!! Everyone is different, some people give their loved one's things away soon after their passing, and thats fine for them, you have to do what's best for you. I might not feel the way I do now 10 yrs from now or maybe I will......who knows?

Thanks to all for listening.......again!

Thanks Karen,

Her Father went over there and took care of most of her things.  Like the towels and the sheets etc. although that was hard for me to say just do what you think. I am just trusting him to take care of it. I go in her apt and I just walk from room to room and get nothing accomplished. Yesterday I got a call from the neighbor (she did not know her father was in her condo) And only on Sarahs patio were at least 1000 bees.  idk

I am being told that I am going to have to let go?  This doesnt even register in my brain... What am I to let go off? 27 years of memories? I know that Sarah is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring her back. I am sad for all the tommorows that she and I will not share. I lost my father to leukemia, my mother to bone cancer. My biological father is in a nursing home with Alzheimers and dementia. There deaths were hard and I miss them. Nothing comapres to this pain I feel.

We were to spread her ashes next week at the beach one of Sarahs favorote places.  I am not ready for that right now. I go into the game room when I know I am about to cry and I hold that box. Its all that is left of her, .  

Sweet Melissa, I am so sorry for your pain, I can feel it. You are right, let go of what? You have had so many tremendous losses.  I have no lost a parent or a sibling but I do know others who have and every single one of them has told me that the pain they felt after losing their child, is no comparison. When and if you are ready to spread your baby's ashes, I am sure you will. It will be your choice. For me, there will NEVER be a satisfactory answer as to why me losing my son is "OK". No matter what your child's age or circumstances that caused their passing, will never mend a broken heart. I think we just learn to survive day by day, it's such an emotional roller coaster ride. Our children had a life, they didn't begin as a memory or dream. It's hard for me to fathom that concept of someone or a higher being, loving or adoring my child more than me. I remember when I use to be happy, I took my happiness for granted and I always believed that my children would bury me.

Everyone thanks for listening.

I

live in a family of stuffers, my mother in law lost her husband and father within three days of each other and I never saw her shed a tear. I have seen her cry a lot since Sarahs passing. I am referred to as the emotional one since my hysterectomy.  I am compared to them. I went to the doctor yesterday and began crying in his office, my sister was with me and he told her you will never understand the trauma that she (me) is suffering. She is not only dealing with the loss of her daughter, she found her and that is the part that I am most worried about. He asked her to leave and came put his arms around me and said you cry, let it all out, any time any place.. If you dont it will consume you.  I Love my doctor. He also suggested that I take a mild anti depressant, as I have high blood pressure and it was threw the roof.

Thanks Karen, I know there is no one that will ever love Sarah the way that I do, that we all love our children. I know that with time I will learn to cope better its all so new and fresh. This will forever be my cross to bear.

Fred when Sarah was cremated I purchased a cross that has her ashes in it. It rides on my windshield. I felt that was appropriate as Sarah was a long haul truck driver and had logged over a million miles by  the age of 22. I wear her necklace everyday in each room of the house there is some part of her with me always and i wont let go. I cant its impossible.  THANK YOU ALL FOR WRITTING ME I DONT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE WITHOUT THIS GROUP

It ain' t gonna get no better.  Our 39 year old son took his life in our home on 10/15/10.  Jason has been gone nine months Friday 7/15/11.  It ain't gonna get no better.  I can still hear the gun shot at 5:00 am, can still see his body with no head.  Lord help us.

Hey Ann, I know what you mean by wanting this sadness to go away. I still toss and turn every night, I agonize over the thought of when it will be years that go by without my son. Before I agonized over days, then months and now it will be the years. That's why for me, I try to avoid counting because I can not accept all of this as being a reality. Hopefully my faith will be fully restored because as of since the loss of my son, I barely have any. Praying doesn't comfort me and that's bad. I would be a liar if I said it does. There are many faiths, beliefs and customs and I think it's great if any of those things give someone comfort or peace, especially when going through such a tremendous loss.

Thanks again for your support.

I'vd had people tell me that I had to "move on" too.  OMG!!  I don't think I can ever move on.  My baby boy is gone!!  Yes, he was 28.  Yes, I'll see him again.  Yes, I know you pray for me.  Yes, I know he's in heaven with all those that went before.  Yes, I have to be strong.  I just want to SCREAM!!  Really, I'd like to just be left alone for a little while.  So I can process all of this.  So I can cry or scream or talk to him or what ever I want to do.  Just want to be left alone with my grief.......just for a little while.

Morning All,

Yesterday was the 30 day marker, I think the antidepressants are helping I of course am still sad the tears just dont flood like rain.  I have to go over Sarahs house today and pick up a few things and see what needs to be done, so my mom can rent it. Seems to be moving to fast... I understand why it needs to be done its part of a trust and my mom has been paying the rent for accounting purposes.  Whatever the reason still not looking forward to it. 

Karen I am so sorry to hear about your relationship, and hope if it is your wish the two of you can make it back. This process is such a personal one, and our spouses have no clue as to the pain. I wish my spouse could spend the day in my body to know how it truely feels.

I used to have such a strong relationship with God, prayed about everything.. Now I cant form words to talk with him. I feel a though pieces of myself are falling off. I am looking for joy and peace, have found none yet.  Just emptiness.

Have a good day all

Hugs to you Melissa! I recently went through the one month mark myself. It was the hardest day! I know what you mean too about everything moving so fast and yet so slowly at the same time. It's as if the world is spinning wildly around us and we are standing still. I am reminded of the scene in the third Pirates of the Carribean movie where the guy is walking in slow motion down the steps of the ship while a battle rages around him and the very ship is being blasted apart. That's how I feel a lot of the time.

 I want to encourage you though to remember that God has not left you, even when it feel likes He has. And just because you can't find the words to pray (I have that problem too), He still knows your heart, knows the pain you are going through. And it's ok to be angry at God. He understands and can take it. :-) 

 I have had my moments where I was so angry with Him. Why didn't He heal her! So many people prayed for her to be healed! But in a way she was. She received the ultimate healing!  When the doctors brought her back the second time, they were going to put her on ECHMO life support but they told me plainly that if she survived, she would have permanent kidney and lung damage, possible brain damage and would have to endure several painful skin graft surgeries.  I console myself with the knowledge that at least God was merciful and she didn't have to endure all that on top of the disease she was battling that had no name, no treatment, and no cure. I know that's not the case for many of you here but it is that thought that keeps from going insane.

One thing I did that seemed to help me as well some of Roxanne's closest friends, I had a brunch one Sunday and all her friends came and we ate Roxanne's favorite, Mexican food! Then I allowed them each to go in her room and choose a little memento of hers to keep.  I asked them to write in journal what items they took and why it was important to them.  some of the responses I got were surprising but they were all sweet, and I will cherish that journal for the rest of my life!  It is a comfort to me to read and see what an impact my young daughter had on other people's lives.

Melissa I will offer prayers for you especially today and for all of us that are members in this awful club.  Love and Peace to You

Lisa

I know Lisa..wouldn't it be wonderful just to be alone....  I know that my family and husband want to be with me to help me along and I certainly wouldn't push them away intentionally.  They are all hurting too.  They've all lost a huge part of them.    I'm so fortunate to have them.  But I think I just need a little time alone.  I don't want them all to go too far, just in case I don't want to be alone anymore.  I don't know what I want....I'm crazy.  I'm still lost.

Karen,

Do you feel that you are out of the danger zone for suicide? Because I don't. I don't have plans but it crosses my mind a lot as a way to escape the pain. I'm not "allowed" to have my medications. I get handed my daily dose and that's it.

Hey Sandra, to be perfectly honest, those thoughts still run through my mind. The reason that I decided that I won't go through with it, is because of my children, mainly my youngest, she just turned 7. She was only 5 going on 6 when she lost her big brother. She still is sad over her brother and very, very angry at the people that are responsible. My doctor had prescribed Ambien and Valium the day after my son passed away. My mother called him and he phoned in the order. I doubled up on the Valium the morning of my son's funeral. That was probably a good thing because it kept me from killing my self that day. I was so drugged up that I cant remember half the people that were there, even the ones that hugged and kissed me and had conversations with me. The service did not seem real to me. I felt like a shell there, just watching and in total shock. I now regret that I even attended......I telling myself this was some big mistake that I can fix and that my son is really ok.  My little one witnessed me at my lowest, too many times. Her seeing me like this was too much for her to handle but I couldn't help it. She was so worried and she cried with me all the time. One day she said to me " mommy, you are always sad and you are always crying", she said " I know you want to be with my big brother in heaven but you would have to die and if that happens, I won't have a big brother or a mommy anymore, so I will think of a way to die too, so we can all be together". When she said that, my heart broke all over again. It's strange because that was the day when I decided I was going to do it. I was going to end my torturous pain and take all of those pills, at that point I thought that I couldn't be a mother to any of my children, I couldn't be a wife, a daughter or a friend but when she hugged me and told me that through her tears, I flushed ALL of those pills down the toilet. I decided to suffer through this pain because I didn't want to cause anyone that loves me, more pain. I tell everyone that she is the one that saved me. I have no doubt that if it wasn't for her, I would have done it already.

I truly understand your thoughts, our pain can reach levels where it becomes unbearable but please don't do it, think about our others will be devastated, including me! I will always be willing to listen, keep writing!

I don't think about the act of killing myself but I do think about it happening... accidentally.  If something life threatening were to happen I just don't think I would react to prevent it.  It's like what ever happens happens. 

Karen, Lisa and Bobbi. Thank you for talking to me. Karen I don't have any other children or any grandkids. There are people who love me but no one that NEEDS me like my baby did. I feel like if the people that do love me could get even a glimpse of what it is like to be me they would let me go. Why do I have to suffer so they can feel better? Yes I know how selfish that sounds, but this is the only place I can be honest about it, I don't care. I do not have a relationship with my mother that even comes close to what I had with Kasey. Sometimes I would only talk to her twice a year, so I know she would hurt but in my heart i don't feel like she would be devastated like I am.

Bobbi, I am not as careful as I used to be. The cemetery is at the end of a dark road in the woods. I stay out there at night by myself sometimes, I take long walks in the dark on our unlit country roads. I used to be scared to not have health insurance, now I hope I catch something.

Lisa, I am the same way I tell everyone to leave me alone and then panic when they do. My counselor tells me not to come on here so much because it doesn't do me any good to read that people are 2, 5 and 10 years in to this and it doesn't get better. it only gets different. Why suffer so much to just get different?

I promised myself I won't do anything until Kasey's headstone comes in November but that seems like a lifetime away.

I just want my daughter back :( Sandy

I thought about this on several occasions.  Taking my life so that I could be with my son Sam.  I confided in someone about it and they brought up something I didn't think about.  If I took my life, there are no guarantees that I would be with Sam.  That maybe I would go to a different place in heaven?  With that thought, it scared me.  Because if I took my life to be with Sam and couldn't be with him afterwards, that would be the worst hell.  Worst than being here and going through this god awful pain every day.  It's so confusing... the not knowing.