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Comment by Connie K on April 7, 2015 at 6:12pm

The Holidays are just so hard. I feel bad even saying that after 28 months, I just feel worse. Yes i appear to manage it. My faith has been tested and is strong but why do I not feel the comfort of that? I don't want to discourage others whose grief is new that time will make it better (altho it does provide skills to deal with it). I guess there are longer periods of time when I hold it together. But on the heels of having to pout my sweet kitty down last week and the impending hearing next week I feel like i am going out of my mind. I don't have a job right now so I have no distraction. I have been going through my son's room for over a year getting rid of some tings and making treasures out of other things. But I can not make it a different room. And I still cannot believe my son has died. I screamed in the car today for along time. I haven't done that for a year. It just all sits beneath the surface in disbelief and sometimes the disbelief explodes into that indescribable pain. No there will be no one who wants anything we hoped to hand down to our son, no grandchildren.  What the hell happened to my life?

Still I am so grateful to have had my beautiful, most precious son.

I guess I need to go to TCF support group more often. I am doing the newsletter for my chapter now. It would help to find someone who I could hang out with who gets it. There's only one other lady who lost an only child in the group and I am working with her on the newsletter.

Gale - it sounds like Michael was very creative and talented. I'm sure he would have been winning awards also.....

Hugs to everyone.

Comment by Gale Brunault on April 7, 2015 at 2:46pm

No it doesn't matter how we lose our loved ones Rj - the fact is they are missing from our life and we will never be the same again.  I belong to a bereaved parents of adult children support group and it is the best thing for me.  I'm with others who "get it" and don't try to give me a bunch of crap like, "it gets better", or "time heals all wounds".  No time doesn't - you just learn to live with the pain. 

Comment by Rj on April 4, 2015 at 6:34pm

It doesn't matter how we lost them does it? The pain is the same. Like you, i have tubs of his old toys i was saving for his kids, when they would come over to play and stay with me. That joy, hope and future just gone. I feel so sick tonight. I swear passing of time has done nothing for me. I feel the hole just gets deeper and darker.

Comment by Rj on April 4, 2015 at 6:18pm

I took my mom out to lunch today, then to the store. All the little easter outfits, the candy, baskets etc. i could not wait to get home. I have to keep it together as much as i can around her. She is so frail and this has killed her also. Plus my dad had open heart surgery in december, still hasnt tecovered but hes so consumed with himself its hard to be around him and he runs poor mother ragged.

Comment by Rj on April 4, 2015 at 6:13pm

Thank you for the invite Gale, much appreciated. Huugggsss

Comment by Gale Brunault on February 22, 2015 at 8:02am

Oh Connie - first let me say that it's so sad and unimaginable to think you no longer have the ability to reach out and speak to your son; such heartache. 

On the other hand congratulations to your husband for such a prestigious award!!  That is something to be proud of for sure!  I have no doubt that your son already knows - feel him in your heart because that's where he lives now.

Is he the only child for both you and your husband?  My husband has a daughter (22) and Michael and she got along wonderfully.  I've been with Brian (my husband) for 14 years so the kids became real close.  They used to say they were brother and sister all the time; it was so cute.  Michael was 10 years older and Shannon but they still hung out a lot.  Michael was a very talented artist - he went to school in Florida for animation and motion graphics.  When he came home he immediately got a job for this great company and began doing projects for HBO, Showtime, several on demand series, 20/20, History channel, etc.  The last project he completed was for the movie theaters.  He created this robot that would speak to the audience about keeping the aisle's clean, no smoking, talking, etc.  It also played trivia with the audience; sort of a pre-showing activity.  He absolutely loved doing what he did and he was great at it.  What happened I don't know but he was my everything......

hugs to you

Comment by Connie K on February 16, 2015 at 1:13pm

Im right there with you Gale. Last night my husband won a Golden Reel award for his music editing work on the movie "Birdman". I am so proud of him but just wanted to text my son that "Daddy won!" which I did. It's so hard  to feel happy about anything and I am a weepy mess today en on the heels of a wonderful accomplishment. There's notjing like making your kid proud. I know he is proud of his dad but boy I sure would like to see his face light up when we told him. I miss him so much today it huts so bad.

Comment by Gale Brunault on February 16, 2015 at 9:47am

Valentines Day has come and gone - I lost my true love when my only child, Michael left this earth on June 9, 2014.  I don't know how but I manage to go on each day; I know that's what Michael would want me to do.  He was such a sensitive boy and I've no doubt that he wants me to live a life that I can be proud of.  I'm working on that step by step; sometimes I move forward and sometimes I'm not. 

Comment by Connie K on February 9, 2015 at 3:15pm

No I have not heard of that. If you would send me the li k I would appreciate!

Comment by Gale Brunault on February 8, 2015 at 10:50am

Hi Connie - I totally agree with you on that.  There's nothing like having a therapist who has been there, done that.  Have you ever heard of the organization called AliveAlone?  Let me know if you haven't and i'll send you a link - it's for bereaved parents who have lost an only child.  They have a quarterly newsletter that goes out and a yearly convention.  This year's event is in Hartford Connecticut at the end of July.  It's just a weekend thing but I plan on going - didn't know if you might be interested. 

Hugs to you Connie - xox

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