Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sherri Martin on June 27, 2011 at 2:58am

Hi, Deborah

We connected when you were experiencing a milestone event in your first year.  As I (think!) I said, I lost my husband, Jet (nickname based on his initials J.E.T.)  to sudden cardiac arrest November 28, 2000.  I was also completing my bachelor's degree (seems like a theme here!) and was preparing for semester finals when he died.  I, too, initially believed I could finish out the semester despite the shock I was in and, fortunately, took the advice of those who cared and realized I was re-acting and living 'on automatic' just willing myself to go on at that time - deal with what I thought was important (our son and finishing my degree) because the shock of Jet's death left me in a fog of disbelief.  I gave myself about a month, then took those finals and finished my degree, graduating that next May 2001.  It was fully a year, maybe more, before the reality truly became accepted that he was gone and my life was irrevocably changed.  I had graduated with my degree after a ten year journey to get it and started teaching during that first year, all of which served to delay my grieving because it seemed more important.  I put my grief on hold.  That is not to say that it did not surface, because it roared in when I least expected it with those same 'little' triggers we all endure.  I recall my first significant 'little trigger' was the first time I went to take a shower and reached up to adjust the showerhead only to realize it hadn't changed because he hadn't taken a shower the night before.  It felt like I had my breath knocked out of me and I remember I collapsed to the floor and just cried.

      Flashforward ten and a half years, and I am remarried (in 2005) and relocated across the country, but there are still moments when I have to remind myself that THIS is my life now especially when I've been talking about him to someone or around his birthday or the anniversary of his death.  It will suddenly seem like I don't know how I got here.  I think grieving is an on-going reality for those of us who lost someone so dear to us.  I've come to accept the rolling waves when they show up, though true after ten years they are not as frequent as during the first years.  I think mine come even now because I filled up my mind with surviving and 'moving on' for my son's sake.  He was 8 yrs. old at the time....now he's 18 and I find my mind goes back to those days and years and the sadness has softer edges, but it is still with me. 

    In more recent years, I lost both of my parents - my mom to cancer Jan. 8, 2008 and my dad to complications from diabetes and renal failure March 17, 2010.  Those losses resulted in a lot of my 'unresolved' grief to resurface.  Still, I've learned to cope and try to use those difficult emotions to remember to be kind to others because we never know what that soul next to us in the grocery store or on the road in the car ahead is going through. Remember your tears and feelings of sadness are ways to relive and relieve some of the loss you experienced.  No we don't 'get over it' like some believe, but we do live with it. (((HUGS!!!) - Sherri

Permalink Reply by Deborah Dodds on June 27, 2011 at 3:11am

Sherri, Thank you for sharing your story with me.  Life does go on and I know now I must get back to living and finding joy in my life.  I know the waves will continue to come and I must learn to ride them out.  I am going back to school in the Fall and will get my certification at the end of the Spring semester.  I feel I am now ready.  I just wasn't ready before.  Thanks again for sharing your story with me.  You brought me hope and a good dose of reality.  Hugs back to you, With Love, Deb

Permalink Reply by Aimee Flanigan on August 26, 2011 at 9:45pm

Deborah,

I too have this same thing happen to me--and at the worst possible moments too--even though my friend Nick passed away almost 4 months ago. I really like what Kelli C. had to say about writing. I keep a journal in which I write letters to Nick all the time. I started this the day of his viewing as a way to help put my emotions, feelings and thoughts down on paper. I then placed the letter with him in his casket. It really helps me to write to him, even if the help is only for a few hours. It's a few hours that I would not have been able to get through otherwise. Hope that this will bring some relief and as always you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Aimee

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• 3
• Next ›
• Page