Rough days

It has been 18 months since my true love and great friend's death, he took his own life by walking the train tracks after a long battle with mental Illness, I have my good days and my bad days and today is a rough day were I just wish he was here with me and I keep finding myself down and crying. I have so many regrets and unanswered questions and the what ifs is the worst.  I keep asking myself could I have prevented this? Would he still be here with me if I just told him how much I loved and cared for him. My family was and is supportive but they don't understand my anxiety with trains and how I can't stand to see a train go over the tracks were he took his life, and the images of seeing the train stopped that day and all of the first responders before I found out it was John are stuck in my head and I just wish I had someone to talk to who understood.

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Permalink Reply by Sharon Downie on February 23, 2013 at 12:46am

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am so glad you came here and let us know about John and your pain.  I'm sure it is hard to put into words your experience of loss and suffering.  Be gentle with yourself.  It is understandable that trains can be a trigger for you.  Perhaps someone outside of your family, a good friend can listen to you. BUT you always have us to come back to share. That is what the online grief support is set up for I believe.  We are a caring group.

Permalink Reply by Stanley Ruiz on February 23, 2013 at 5:23am

I CAN UNDERSTAND.I HAVE BAD DAYS AND GOOD DAYS .I HAVE A THERAPIST BUT HE HELPS ME BUT WHEN I AM ALONE I CRY AND CRY>MY PARTNER WAS SHOT IN THE HEART AND DIED IN MY ARMS AND I WAS SHOT IN THE ABDOMEN AND I WAS AT THE DOOR OF DEATH BUT AFTER TEN DAYS IN INTENSIVE CARE I WOKE UP WHY?E.I CAN IMAGINE  THE STRESS YOU HAVE BECAUSE I HAVE SIMILIAR  STRESSES DAIL BUT I TRY TO BE STONG AND YOU HAVE TO TRY AND BE STRONG.WE BOTH CAN NOT BRING THEM BACK..THEY ARE BOTH GONE AND WE MUST CONTINUE THE DIFFICULT ROAD AHEAD OF US..LATEL I STARTED TO PRAY AND I NEVER PRAYED BEFORE.I TALK TO MY PARTNER AND TO OUR CREATOR AND IT HELPS.I WILL PRAY FOR YOU AND YOU CAN WRITE ME AT ANY TIME ..

Permalink Reply by Stanley Ruiz on February 23, 2013 at 4:00pm

I KNOW IT IS IS HARD BUT PLEASE TO TO OUR LORD AND CREATOR.I NEVER PRAYED  TO THE GOD WHO MADE ME AND MADE YOU.START PRAYING AND HE WILL HELP. STANLEY

Permalink Reply by Melissa Moar on February 23, 2013 at 11:24am

Thank you everyone and I'm glad that I found this site...

Permalink Reply by Stanley Ruiz on February 23, 2013 at 2:03pm

YOU CAM WRITE TO ME ANYTIME.I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW  .I CAN HOLD  IT WITH FRIENDS BUT WHEN I AM ALONE I BEAK DOWN BUT WE CAN COMMUNICATE AND HELP EACH OTHER.YOU ARE NOT ALONE . KEEP IN TOUCH STANLEY

Permalink Reply by Bern on February 23, 2013 at 3:09pm

our friends don't want to see us cry...so they don't come or call becauese it upsets them to hear us hurt.

Permalink Reply by Stanley Ruiz on February 23, 2013 at 3:44pm

BE STRONG AND DO NOT GIVE UP.OK? YOU ARE HERE FOR A REASON AND LIFE  CONTINUES NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS.I SUFFER BUT I KEEP LIVING .I WANT TO DIE BUT GOD HAS HIS PLANA FOR YOU AND FOR ME.I KNOW IT IS HARD, PRAY PRAY AND  TALK TO YOUR  GOD AND CREATOR.I DO THAT  EACH MORNING AND EACH NIGHT.I NEVER PRAYED BUT  I STARTED PRAYING  AFTER I LOST MY SOUL MATE.KEEP IN TOUCH STANLEY

Permalink Reply by Bern on February 23, 2013 at 3:02pm

I do understand how you feel..Sometimes, I just don't want to go on.My 2 daugthers said they need me.  I don't want to leave them now. Melissa someone needs you..

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on February 23, 2013 at 3:48pm

sory abot yore loss melissaa i cry a lot lately over my dad i thnks its bean set off coz of all the death last month bringing it all back some times the tears come onme at the wong times im on chat alot on hear some times ther is a few us on chat if its any help

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