not sure how to feel

My father passed away 4 days ago after a short battle with stage 2 esophageal cancer. I was very close to him and looked up to him for many reasons. Even though he was going through so much pain he made it seem like he was having the best day.  About two weeks ago he was hospitalized for 2 days due to bronchitis and his immune system being so low, I spoke to him after he was released and he told me everything was okay and that I needed to be prepared for these type of things. Fast forward to December 7 I get a call from his wife at 4 am saying that my papa is in the hospital again and not expected to make it. I drove as fast as I could to get there(he lives about 4 hours north) I arrived at 9 am and his wife took me aside and explained what had happened. The day before he went in for an endoscopy to check on the tumor. The chemo and radiation shrunk the tumor which you would expect to be good news far from it. When the tumor shrunk it tore his main artery and he lost a lot of blood he ended up dying but after 25 minutes of recessitation he came back. When I finally saw him he wasn't there he couldnt see me or hear me my heart feels like it is shattered. All of his family was around to say goodbye and we said a prayer as he took his last breath. I just don't know how to feel one minute I'm sad the next I'm angry I just wish so many things mostly that it didn't hurt this bad.

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Permalink Reply by Emma Robb on December 12, 2013 at 2:55am
Big hugs to you sweetheart, when my sister died suddenly the grief that overcame me was through anger. Because you have this guilt where you felt as though you could have done more, when in reality you couldn't. And as it is early days the pain is still raw.
Keep in touch, thinking of you x
Permalink Reply by Debra A. Whitemaine on December 12, 2013 at 7:34am

Megan,

I am so sorry for your loss and my thoughts and prayers are with you. So hard to believe that the tumor shrinking caused the artery to tear.  I can understand and relate to the emotions you are experiencing and it is normal.  My father went in for surgery to repair aneurysms in his stomach and chest and he never woke up.  Were knew there were risks but never thought he would die.  My heart hurt so bad and I never knew that was possible.  I felt cheated and angry that he was taken away but I also knew it was God's plan and I needed to accept it.  There was no way to change what happened.  I am glad that you were there to say goodbye, I didn't have that chance.  I found comfort in talking with others, this website, counseling and doing things to honor him.  I wish the best for you.

Permalink Reply by Jenna on December 16, 2013 at 8:03pm

Hi Megan, I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my dad and it's a sad and scary thing. Im sure you have heard about the stages of greif and know that anger is a the first step. I was angy when my dad passed away too, and I still am. I haven't accepted it yet and still think he will come home one day. It's a normal reaction to be angry, so try not to beat yourself up about it. It's a hard thing you are going through and you need to be fair to yourself and let yourself mourn and cope the way it needs to. I think this website and other support groups are a great place to start.

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