I just came upon my first year on July 31st, it was on a Sat.  I put the word out, we were holding a memorial service for Chance, my son, who died at age 14, gunshot to the head.  I was there but I don't remember anything.  I know I made baggies of his ashes and took them to the pier, where his original ceremony was held.  My friend cooked hotdogs, we had hotdogs and chips and soda.  There were probably about 30 people there.  The kids appreciated the ashes, they each picked their own special place to release them.  It wasn't until Tuesday morning, I woke up crying at 3am, that it finally hit me, that my son is not coming home.  This whole year the only way I could think about it was that Chance was away, at camp, or someplace, but Tuesday morning it finally hit me, he's not coming home.  It's like going through the ordeal again.  He is not coming home.  I'm so alone.  It was mostly me and him throughout his life, and I've been so alone since he has been gone.  I keep trying to go to church or a grief support meeting, but haven't been able to do it.  It's so hard to clean my tiny one bedroom apartment.  It feels strange not having a two bedroom, but I had to move out of the apartment he died in.  I didn't think I could move, but I did and it was for the best.  My son surprised me last year, we had the most wonderful day at the beach, he and I and his friend. But while at the beach, he stole a gun out of a automobile and hid it until later that night when he shot himself in the head with it.  I have so much anxiety, trouble sleeping, taking a shower.  Why is it so hard to take a shower?  Ever since the night he did it, I was covered in his blood, head to feet.  I did not want to take a shower then, I did not want to wash his blood away and to this day, I have to force myself to shower.  I hate it.  I still relive the entire event, I see his face close up, his chin resting on his chest.  I'm not making much sense, I can't seem to stay with the same thought long enough to process it.  His birthday is coming up next month.  Someone told me that Jan 1st is no longer my new years day, July 31st is.  It makes since, it is starting all over again.  Does it get easier?  I can't see that it would.  It's still hard for me to do anything, see people, drive, go to the store, anything.  Everything is hard to do.  Thanks for letting me share.  I feel lost.