Miss him so much

My fiance died June 25th in a work related accident that I recently found out could have been prevented if certain safety precautions had been taken by the company.  He left for work at 6am and never came home. I waited and waited for him and began to worry and started thinking he had stopped for drinks after work but his phone went straight to voicemail... Shortly after 8pm I received a message from a friend of his to call him because he had heard some news and wanted to make sure Chris was ok. When I called he informed there had been an accident at the mine and someone on his crew who recently had a baby had died... Our daughter was just over 4 months old at the time. I immediately knew it was him.  No one from the mine called me, just before 10pm 2 ladies arrived to tell me my fiance was dead. Had his friend not contacted me I would have been home alone and mad that he hadn't called me yet when they showed up. But I had family here with me when they arrived.  I had to call his mom and tell her that her only son had died at work..  It all feels like a horrible nightmare that never ends.  I feel like I am still waiting for him to come home.  I miss everything about him, but most of all watching him with our beautiful baby girl.  He was so in love with her. I had never seen a man so in love with his child. She adored him and rarely fussed for him.  It breaks my heart that she will never know the man who loved her so completely and deeply and that he cannot hold her and kiss her and play with her. We were just starting our lives together... we had decided the night before the accident to get married next summer. Now we never get that. He was my perfect match and made me feel special and beautiful every single day. I have had amazing family and friend support but no one knows how I really feel. I just want him back... my 5yr old niece asked me why God couldn't just make Chris again so he could come home and I wonder the same thing some times... I don't feel "it was his time" is a good enough answer for what has happened and I know that no answer will ever make me feel better. I just miss him so much.

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Permalink Reply by Michelle W on August 10, 2012 at 2:02am
Kali,
I'm so sorry to read your story.. I know the feeling of waiting for someone to come home and the don't... After the accident I still can't find myself not waiting up for my son but he won't be walking through the door.. I hope your beautiful new baby will help you through all this sadness...hugs to you and the little one...Michelle
Permalink Reply by Kali Grainger on August 19, 2012 at 9:44pm

Thank You Michelle. She is my only reason for being now. And I will do everything I can to make sure she knows how much her daddy loved her and to make him proud of me.

Permalink Reply by Tammy on August 17, 2012 at 11:00pm

Dear Kali,

I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am about Chris. When I lost my spouse in November 2009, I was also surrounded by my wonderful family and so many supportive friends, but you're right...no one truly understands...except another widow. I wish I could offer you some words of comfort, but there are none. Just take care of yourself and your beautiful baby girl and remember that Chris is with you in spirit. I know we always want them back in their physical form, but I believe that Chris is with you spiritually and one day you'll be with him again...when you'll be able to touch his face, smell him, hear him laugh, etc.

 

God Bless you always,

Tammy

Permalink Reply by Kali Grainger on August 19, 2012 at 9:43pm

Thank you Tammy.  I hope you are right... I feel like I need reassurance that I will one day be with him again.  It's only been 8 weeks and I still have decades before I get to hopefully be with him again..

Permalink Reply by Tammy on August 20, 2012 at 11:17pm

Kali,

 

I felt the same way. I thought that if I lived too long my Jackie would not recognize me when I died or she would find another wife in Heaven. I contemplated suicide and I wished for death for such a long time. My spiritual beliefs helped me through the pain and stayed my desire to kill myself. My Mother died 5 months after Jackie died and the loss of them was the worst pain I have ever experienced. I still long for both of them. I still have my highs and lows, sometimes very deep lows, but I know that my Mother and Jackie would not want me to not truly live the rest of my life. So I go through the motions and take one day at a time. I truly, truly believe that we are eternal beings and I can't wait to be reunited with my Mom and Jackie. I know that we will all be reunited. I also truly believe that Chris will always watch over you and your daughter, and that you will be reunited with him one day. This earthly existence is much shorter than we think and you will have eternity with Chris.

 

Tammy

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