This is my first post, I hope it's in the right spot, if not feel free to move it. I'm 21 years old.. I lost my aunt from complications of colon cancer surgery about 3 months ago. I was very close to her. She loved me like a daughter. It's the first loss I've ever experienced that has really devastated me. It still doesn't even seem real that she's gone or that this has really happened. Her name was Deneise but I always called her NeeNee, some of the other kids in the family called her Neise or Neisy, and everyone else in the family called her Shug, for sugar. She was so loved by everyone in our family and she was like the glue that held us all together. Just a little over a year ago she was happy and seemed healthy. She was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer at only 39 years old. Her first surgery to remove it went bad and she almost died but she pulled through. After a year of chemo and radiation, she had another surgery to remove a colostomy bag and had complications yet again. This time she developed Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS) and could not pull through. I just came here to talk about it and have some support. After 3 months I thought I would be doing better with it, but the pain of losing her seems to be getting worse. I find myself thinking stupid thoughts... like wishing I could go back in time and change things. I, as well as the rest of my family, should have known she wasn't strong enough to make it through another surgery and I don't know why we let her do it. I have dreams she's not dead.. that it was just some horrible mistake and she's back. I regret not spending more time with her and taking for granted that she would always be here. She lived close to 2 hours away but would come visit every few weeks and when she would come visit it was like a party... it was what everyone looked forward to, when neenee was coming in. I loved her like a mother, sister, best friend... she was everything to me. When me and my parents would fight she was the one talking to me about it and keeping the peace. Life doesn't seem right without her. I don't know how I'll ever be able to feel truly happy again. The pain is so deep and I miss her so much. Thank you for taking the time to read this and letting me get some of what I'm feeling out.