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Permalink Reply by Marci Johnson on June 24, 2010 at 1:39pm

First off let me say how deeply sorry I am for your loss--I lost my Dad 8 years ago--to heart disease and I have to say I think a sudden death is that much harder to deal with. I was able to be there when Dad died and to tell him how much he meant to me, how proud I was to be his daughter, that I was grateful for all he did for us and to reasure him that Mom would be taken care of--with a sudden death there is no opportunity to tell someone how very much they mean to you. Recently, on February 1st, 2010 my 2-1/2 yr old grandson was struck and killed when his stroller was hit by a commercial truck. My daughter was jogging and had briefly stopped at an intersection, but because her light was green and the trucker's light was red she thought she was safe to cross. The trucker made a right turn and she was in his blind spot--she tried had to pull the stroller back and get out of the way--her words to me was "Mom, I almost made it back"--but the stroller was long (jogging stroller) and Dylan was a sturdy little guy so that made the stroller heavier. Also, she had one hand trying to pull the stroller out of the way and with her left hand she was pounding on the cab of the truck--trying to get the driver's attention. I honestly can't think of a worst moment then what she went through--the wheels of that truck jerked the stroller from her hand and she saw it turning over and over--being dragged by the truck until the driver, realizing something was wrong stopped. By then it was too late and our Dylan was gone. She had to see her baby broken that day--and that just rips my heart out.

My family is also using distractions and prefers not to talk about Dylan or the accident very often and I understand their way of thinking--there is absolutely nothing we can do about the situation and as my daughter puts it "it is what it is"--she and her husband have a 6 yr old son that also needs attention and they had decided they were not going to let this accident be the defining factor that one day they were a happy family and then the baby died and they were no longer happy--but I NEED to talk about him--not just about the accident, but about Dylan--I need to tell about his hilarious little personality and hear stories from others about things he did. This is the only way I have to keep his memory truly alive--I will never forget him and it goes without saying he will always be in my heart, but I want others to remember him too and not with sadness but with a smile for the joy he brought all of us.

Right now I am still hurting and some days it's harder then others to cope--I don't have any denial, more like forgetfulness--I still think I have 2 grandsons to buy presents for or to visit and play with--then reality reaches up and slaps me hard--then I either cry or get ANGRY! I am not even certain who I am angy at--just the situation I guess--I do believe this was just a bad accident--but that being said I also feel the driver, because he was turning right had his focus to the left--watching the traffic and did not look for predestrians on the right curb--so maybe that is where my anger is at? I do feel incredible anger when well-meaning people tell me I will "get over it" or that "it was Dylan's time" or even "we don't know why God chose to take him"--I cry bull cr*p on that! I am not angry with God--I don't believe this was "meant to be"--I believe there are 3 reasons people die--it's God's Will-(natural disasters, illness?), it's man's will-(homocide, accidents, stupidity), or sometimes bad things just happen for no good reason at all--I think my grandson fell under that last catagory and I believe God knew it was going to happen, but because we have our free will He could only watch my daughter step off that curb and that driver make the decision to turn right. I believe God was the first to cry that day.

The last few months we have had to deal with "firsts"--the first Easter without him, Mother's Day and Father's Day and more recently his 3rd birthday--June has been extremely hard to get through because his birthday was on the 4th and his brother's birthday was on the 22nd and the boys did their party together--so this weekend I get to look forward to seeing Chase and celebrating his 6th birthday but also can't help but remember last year with both boys celebrating and having fun. I am not looking forward to Halloween or don't even want to celebrate Christmas--by then it will be pushing the year anniversary for us--I have only recently started doing "monthly anniversaries" previously I was doing the weekly ones--every Monday I would think "at this time (whatever) weeks ago Dylan was alive and his mommy was kissing his little face...I can actually get through a Monday now without doing that. But still I don't want to think of having a whole year pass without playing with that little guy.

I do hope you find that inner strength to get through this first anniversary--hard as it is, I try to think that Dylan died knowing how very much he was loved--perhaps your Dad died doing something he loved doing? I would love to hear about the man your Dad was, please feel free to share any memories you care to and as to where you go--I guess we both just have to continue on--you might think of the type of man your Dad was and the lessons you learned from him and apply those in your life--it might be another small way of keeping him alive.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.