Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Ruth on November 29, 2011 at 4:54pm

Hello Becky,

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.  We only have one and life is never the same after, is it?  I still cry about it and it was 20 years ago Halloween.  Your father is NOT himself either, so try not to let what he says add to your grief.  We all deal with it in different ways.  With small children, you don't have much of a choice to let the world stop so you can let down,do you?  It is normal to "compartmentalize", on the go one minute to keep it all together and fall to pieces the moment you have one second to reflect.  I had an 6 yr old, a 17 mos old and a 3 wk old when Mommy passed.  I couldn't help my dad, too far.  I had to keep moving; if I sat down to nurse the baby, the tears and the milk flowed.  Something I read once said something like this:  The more tears that flow does nothing to prove one loved them more, because there are many ways we love them.  Tears are just one way.  Another is to live the way you know they would want you to live, as your best self.  That helped me a lot after a couple of years of crying many times a day.

 

That numb shock feeling while still walking around keeps us from floating away down that river of tears and never coming back.  Hopefully, it transforms and helps you deal with all the feelings and changes that have come when there is more time to consider what it means for you and your family. These boards are a godsend, whether you write or just read without posting.  Everything is possible here (rants, "ugly" feelings released, feeling needy, whatever) without judgment. God Bless, Ruth

Permalink Reply by christianlee on November 29, 2011 at 5:04pm

So sorry Becky...I feel your pain of loss. I've lost a parent too. Some days you just get through somehow. I live day to day now...one day at a time. I go to work...and am so happy to come home at night. If I could work from home I would.

Permalink Reply by Becky on November 29, 2011 at 5:14pm

Thanks christianlee. It's so hard to get through the day. I feel numb.

I wish I was still commuting to my office. After I split with my husband in April, we moved in with my parents and I went from a SAHM who picked up side work from time to time to a full-time programmer. I left at 6AM and got back at 8PM. For four months, my mom watched the kids every single day.

Sitting here, shoving my 2 year old in front of a TV while I work and then letting his older sister (9, 7 and 5) watch him while I work is not only painful as a mother, but a reminder that my mother is gone.

So much has changed with her death, it's just mind boggling...

Permalink Reply by christianlee on November 29, 2011 at 5:26pm

I have a similar story. Three years ago I separated fm my husband and moved home to my parents. I have 3 boys..8, 6 and 4. I too used my dad to babysit and mom for that matter. They both helped me a lot. I now have a home close to them. My dad watched my three year old daily. Its so hard going home now because we always went to pick up after work. I relied heavily on both my parents to help me make it. Now dads gone. He kind of became a true father and grandparent. We miss him greatly. My boys talk of him daily. I cannot comprehend that he's still here in spirit. I just would like my true hero back.

Permalink Reply by christianlee on December 5, 2011 at 4:16am

So sorry for your loss. I am a mother of three little boys. As a mother to a mother....I am very sorry. My children are the world to me and know your loss is very heavy. May you find some peace that will soothe your heart. God bless and I will think of you. I cannot sleep tonight either. Holidays approaching and really not interested this year at all.

Permalink Reply by Brenda Doughty on December 8, 2011 at 10:27am

I understand that feeling. I am sorry for your loss.