We went to the park and threw some more ashes on the waterfall and said a few words and let off balloons with picture notes attached and I thought that I would feel much better.  Today I am tired and sad and tearful.  I kept telling myself that once I was through the one year mark that things would be easier and it's not.  I guess I need to give it more time.  I just thought it would be freeing to let the balloons go in celebration of his life.  I think of the good times and that makes me cry.  I miss him so much...he was my life and my everything.  When will the pain in my heart go away? It hurts so bad I need some sort of relief.  I want to cut out my heart and put it back together again.  I will never be the same because a huge part of me is gone.

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Deborah:

 

Everyone tells me the second year is the hardest mine has only been 6 months but I dread the second year so much, they say your mind plays tricks and even though you know their gone you still have hope they may come back, like they are away at college or moved out of state, then the second year hits and you know that is never going to happen.  I will keep you in my prayers for some peace

Thank you Terri for keeping me in your prayers.  I've been crying and depressed all day.  I thought it was going to get better but I keep having flashbacks of the days after his death and it brings it all back to me once again.  I was in shock then because the murder was so sudden an unexpected.  Now I am feeling it all.  I want this feeling to go away.  I feel it is time to move on with my life and I feel stuck (tears).
I don't know if there's anything that suddenly makes things magically better for any of us.  I've heard that the one-year mark just means you've made it through all the stuff that'll come up once, and at least know what to expect with/from it now.  It also sounds like it was a pretty intense kind of experience, and I know with the ones like that I've had so far I tend to be more stirred up for the next few days.  I hope that as things settle out from it, you're able to at least find some more peace.  *hugs*
Thanks for the hugs Sean.  I really needed a hug.  It was an intense experience yesterday but it was also very beautiful.  I'm  just taking things one day at a time.  That is the best that I can do.  Hugs back to you my friend...Deb

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