Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Carrie Hoskins on September 3, 2011 at 5:40pm

Marlene, I am so sorry for your loss. It is awful how when there is a death, people's emotions get clouded by dollar signs. One thing is for sure though, no one can every take away your memories. As painful as it is right now, those will be what you will cherish the most. I am glad you have found this group and hopefully we can be here to help you in your grief. Just take it one day at a time, and sometimes just a minute at a time if that's what it takes.

Permalink Reply by Marlene on September 3, 2011 at 8:58pm

Thankyou for your kind words. Its been 7 weeks since he past and its still just as hard.

Permalink Reply by Rachel Lynn Schuler on September 3, 2011 at 7:39pm

oh sweetie im so sorry, you have friends on this site....thats so hard....when my mom died my sister wasnt there and it was horrible....you keep hanging in there hun, as hard as it gets....

Permalink Reply by Ruth on September 4, 2011 at 3:12pm

Oh Marlene,

 

I am so sorry to read of your grief.  It must be very difficult to go from the anticipated high of wedding plans to the lowest, of grief for your fiance.  . It is wonderful you have reached out here on line.  You will find lots of solace here. Even if you can't write, are too overwhelmed that day or time, the posts really lift me up and others say the same.  It is sad his family cannot focus on what is important and I commend you for honoring your fiance the way he would wish. We lost lots of dreams with the murder of my father, but now as we emerge bit by bit from grief, we are finding little baby seed-dreams.  I'm hoping that our love can act like the sun and our tears like rain, to help some of the little baby seed dreams to grow.  Maybe they wouldn't have in the past, without this loss.  Now that we've seen a few, we are a little more on the look out for others, including other people's dreams as well.  It is a mystery and will be a revelation. 

 

This next part will be hard but you asked about practical matters too. I wonder if your county has a displaced homemakers program.  I know a few years back ours did.  I don't know if it has been maintained, but if yours does, you might qualify for it.  Do you have a church you have visited or belonged to in the past?  United Way is a great place to start with, no matter where you live in the US.  They are listed in the phone book.  I know it might FEEL like you're odd to not have connections but you are not.  Many people have this problem these days. When I first move here 20 years ago, I went from Eastcoast urban suburban life with relatives, to stuck alone in the woods with no car and 3 babies.  If I had been in your shoes then, I would have written the same thing

 

My co-workers and I were just talking about grieving last week.  One with the 3 month shock of her mom's cancer discovery, quick decline, death and now my friend being the executor w/ 9 siblings involved.  Another the 3rd anniversary of her youngest son's passing from leukemia and me with Daddy's death.  Now a another friend of our worker group is newly diagnosed with lung to brain cancer, the brain cancer discovered first. We are there for each other in ways the rest cannot be, they are blessed not to know what we do.  But I know I am kinder and more engaged with those I find around me now, just whoever is there.  Not because I "should".  I have been freed in some ways from tethers of what's been expected of me by those who have passed and by my growth from all this.

 

With your fog of grief, which I had/have too, all we can see is what we have lost.  It is good and right to feel this so deeply it hurts.  It honors our loved one and our dreams. It is good to come here and read we are not alone in this.  I've screamed and ranted and rambled.  Just getting up, combing our hair, remembering to eat something, making a tough call, those are major victories some days.  Just breathing while we cry is keeping on some days. Just being is going on. Telling myself I will endure the next moment is going on.  That's all I know about it but it must have worked because I am still here on this Earth almost 4 years later.  God bless you, Marlene. Let us know how you are doing. (((Hugs))) Ruth