Hello,

I'm writng because I have recently lost my father. It was a sudden death, in which I need some closure, because I am not sure of how he died. I was first told it was a heart attack, then I was lead to believe that it was a blood clot. Now, I'm under suspicion that his girlfriend may had something to do with his death, because she refused an autopsy, and told the coroner that she was his wife. I felt that my legal rights as next to kin were violated., and I will NEVER, know the true cause of his death.

On April 7, 2012, I had spent time with my dad by going on a fishing trip. Little that I knew that would be my last time seeing him. We had a good time, even though we did not catch anything. In fact, he wanted me to spend the whole day with him, but I had to work. On April 26, 2012, my father passed away suddenly. I am still in complete shock, but it's mixed with sadness, and anger. I do feel like a piece of my heart has been cut out, and there is an empty void. When he passed away between 7-8:15 pm, I was not around; in fact, I was working, and I did not get a call until late that evening that he had passed away.

I also feel so guilty to having to work so much, and I did not get to spend more time with him. I really felt as if I had a long time left with my dad, but since his death; I feel as my world has been shaken. It was so hard making the funeral arrangements from picking out his casket to determining where he would be buried. I have so many mixed feelings, and I feel that I haven't had the opportunity to grieve due to the commotion of the investigation, his belongings (along with probate court), issues with the funeral home, and family issues (greed). I really need to take some time so I can grieve, but it's so hard with everything else is going on. I feel that I should be crying more, but I just haven't been able to.

I really loved my dad, and I miss him dearly. When I see his pictures, go to his house, or look on his facebook page, I feel the urge to cry, but it is in very short spurts. Is this common? I know that I am going to have a hard time with father's day, and packing up his clothes at his house. How do I get through this difficult stage in my life? Right now, I feel so lost, and helpless, and I only have my mom, brother, and partner on my side.  Any suggestions would be great.

Thank you,

Buren Russell