What a hard day. Eric's funeral service was today. I was torn because I couldn't be there. I love my englishman. Wish the ocean did not separate us. Wish this was all a bad dream. I miss his calls, texts and conversations on skype. Everything makes me sick because it reminds me of him, and I mean EVERYTHING. We talked about everything. Nobody understands our relationship because we met online and never met in person. But I seen him and he seen me like we were in the same room together. They don't understand how close we were, how many things we had in common and all the dreams we shared. We spent hours talking, one skype call was 7.5 hours!! He was due to move to Canada this year. Had been saving up money and not buying anything he wanted so he could be with me. A guy that thought about "us" and not about himself for once!

I have been in a few long term relationships and they were not the same as this long distance relationship Eric and I had. He said I was his soul mate, I think we are. No guy has ever made me feel so loved and beautiful. He never raised his voice to me even during our petty arguments. He supported me and didn't make me feel guilty about my decisions. He made me realize a lot of things. He came into my life when I was severely lost and depressed. Now I can feel myself going back into that state.

Why the one thing that makes me happy had to be taken away?!!

I am so many emotions all balled into one. Why didn't I call him the night before? If I was with him I would have insisted they see him at the hospital. After all he had been sick for 3 weeks and had not been able to keep anything down and being very lethargic should have been a warning sign!

I love you Eric, I will love you forever.