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Times have been pretty crazy and I haven't been on this website in months. Halfway through November my mother's absolutely beloved cousin Billy took his own life. I live in Boston but I went to Minnesota to spend time with his family and play music for his services. The next week my nana who has lived with me my entire life -who took care of me everyday until I started taking care of her everyday- passed away. I played music for her services too. Through all of this I was maintaining straight A's, taking a college class, doing an intensive after school music program, applying to colleges and trying to take care of people around me who needed help. It was intense.
More than anything I'm torn up by the loss of my twin brother when we were 12 years old. I didn't even think about him on Christmas. And never in my life have I missed my nana's birthday but this time I didn't even realize it had passed until the next day. My mind couldn't process anything because I was so removed from my emotions. In a strange way I almost felt free for a little while. Also because my two older brothers (who are also twins) came back from college for five weeks, and the three of us and our close friends spent whatever time we could together. Today was their last day.
Yesterday afternoon I had a flashback. I don't know what triggered it and it's very cloudy in my head. I just felt like maybe I'm still a twelve year old kid trapped in some terrible nightmare. I was there when he died and it felt more like a nightmare than anything else. So yesterday I looked at my hands and I got dizzy because they reminded me of my brother's hands at the wake. They were pale and wrinkled like raisins. Mine were warm and alive. I touched his cheek and it was cold. I touched mine... At least our skin felt the same. I couldn't fall asleep that night until I touched my cheek again. At least our skin felt the same. I woke up for months thinking I was dreaming. I had to remind myself every morning. I will never fucking forget that sensation.
I was just looking at my hands yesterday and I couldn't remember anything. I'm not really seventeen, right? Is this real? Where's Hunter? What's wrong with me? Why am I so dizzy? Why can't I produce coherent fucking sentences? Control your fucking breath... stop shaking... what do I do... somebody help me...
Damn. I don't know what to say but I'm exhausted inside and out.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Judith Brandl on
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Hi Mel,
my heart truly goes out to you. You've suffered so much loss for someone so young. I'm sorry that you lost your Nana. I'm a Nana also and I worry about what will happen to my grandchildren when I pass, especially my Granddaughter because we are particularly close. Loss of a loved one hurts, it leaves a gaping hole in your life. I've had a lot of loss so I understand that you are in so much pain. My father shot himself in the head when I was eleven, I've never forgotten what he felt like as he laid in his casket, what his head looked like, they put makeup over the bullet hole. And the smell of the funeral home, a mix of formaldehyde and roses. Those memories stick with us. What I can say, and this is just for myself, the memories have become less painful over the years. I know life can be confusing and painful. I don't have any wonderful prolific advice to give you, but just know that I care and I'm sure others on this website do also. Please give yourself permission to enjoy your life. From what I read, you are a strong person. Taking care of your Nana was a wonderful thing for you to do. Best regards and as I said, my heart breaks for you and goes out to you in your time of grief. Judith
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Permalink Reply by Gail M. on
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You are having a very rough time, Mel. I am so sorry for your losses. I have been told that the pain does not ever go away, but you learn to live with it, and without those who have passed on before us. It is early on for me, so I don't really know if it is true or not.
What I do know is that sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between dreams and reality, and sometimes the dreams are more real to me than day to day life. I have learned to acknowledge the craziness and the intense pain, and to move through each day doing one thing that means something to me (like playing the piano or going for a walk). I was a caregiver too, still am. Each day is not easy, but keep reaching out to others; we will be there for you if we can. Don't give up. God will make a way for you.
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