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Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 8, 2015 at 11:36am

Dolly I think both Lorazepam and Diazepam are in the same drug family. Lorazepam tends to be faster acting while Diazepam is generally longer lasting. I think it may depend on your own body which drug would work better. I am taking them when the anxiety hits too  high as the trial is coming up on the 16th and 17th followed by Jesse's angelversary date on Oct 10.

Teresa, I very much agree with the three year time table you laid out. It was somewhere this past January I was starting to realize that maybe Jesse wasn't coming back. The first 7-9 months I spent much in bed rest from a complete mental breakdown....he and I were very much knit at the soul....

Now when I go out to the cemetery, it is strange to see our family plots there. Thinking, yes, one day I will be laid to rest there to. Last time there was again, another burial in the small country cemetery. Sometimes I feel this reminder like I "moved up in the line" from being here on this earth plane and am one step closer to him. ....

Our last pretrial date, we learned that the DA is now beginning to believe that the woman who ran over Jesse in his own lane actually saw him and try to "beat" him to complete her turn.

So to who posted about anger, yes, I definitely vascilate between many extremes, extreme anger being one of them. It is a tiring life.

Comment by Connie K on September 8, 2015 at 11:00am

Teresa - that's a beautiful picture. <3

Comment by Dolly on September 8, 2015 at 8:38am

Teresa I love that picture of you two... last week at the mountain we had another music session with heaven.. thunder at just the right moments... and lightning too this time... it helps me keep going... because I have no choice anyway so .. at least when I get these little 'hugs' from heaven I can close my eyes and listen and just sense the closeness... not enough.. but it is something at least... we sort of slid by Brandon's leaving day this year.. I think it was just too much and we just dumbed up in our minds and shut down... I used to love to get flowers for Brandon's little corner table but even that seems to be losing its ability to bring any light to our hearts... I dread the cold gray awfulness of winter coming... wish I could afford to go south for the worse months but every day we get poorer it seems... some days I want to just throw a mattress in the back of the van and take off for the south and whatever happens, happens.. but with Bo I can't do that for sure... and where would i go anyways

can't escape the pain anywhere anyway....

Comment by Teresa D. on September 8, 2015 at 7:12am

Comment by Teresa D. on September 8, 2015 at 6:23am

Dolly I know it's not funny but you made me laugh this morning. 

I am also going through anger.  Everybody and everything is pissing me off too.  Nobody can seem to do or say anything right to me right now.

September 14th it will be 3 years since my Michael left.  Every day I get closer I feel sicker and more angry.

My daughter is leaving again, this time she is off to Egypt.  I want to grab her ankles and beg her not to go but I also feel like just because I stopped living I can't ask her to stop living. times like this I miss my Michael even more.

Comment by Dolly on September 7, 2015 at 6:16pm

Laurie.. does Lorazapam work better than Diazepam? Today is the first day in a week I haven't had a panic attack yet... is anyone else familiar with how one feels during the 'anger' stage? I'm asking because I am so impatient with everything and everyone lately and just want to snap their heads off for anything ... especially if they're being pissy or are putting me down for anything... if this goes on very long the very few people who ever pay any attention to me will be gone too... but you know I don't even care... they have never really been supportive even when I was trying always to be understanding and helpful...now I just don't care... I have nothing left for anyone who gives me even a bit of flack... its as if I just want to scream BACK OFF you A**hole.. and whack them one... but I don't but I sure feel like it... is this considered 'normal'? i feel like this all the time I swear

Comment by Teresa D. on September 7, 2015 at 4:41pm

RJ, at 6 months my pain was so fresh and raw. I'm coming on 3 years and it is only recently that I truly started to understand this is my reality. 

The first year I tried to convince myself of whatever I could even though I knew it was wrong.  Every night I told myself I would wake up and this nightmare would be over and even though every morning I woke up disappointed I did it again each night. I also waited for someone to come up with some magic words that was going to make it all better.

The second year I just tried to wrap my brain around everything.  Michael being gone, myself changing, my responses changing, my relationships with other people changing and more.  I also reached a point I had to begin realizing this is my reality.

For the past year can I tell you it's really been any better?  Some things yes...I'm not running around in circles in the house searching for something and not remembering what that something was anymore.  But I'm still crying daily.

I had a moment a few weeks ago that I thought was a panic attack and maybe it was.  Now I'm feeling like it was more my "reality" moment. I'm no longer trying to negotiate with god to put Michael back now I'm just asking to see him in my dreams.

All I know is things certainly change since Michael left.  I know my heart is no less broken than it was 3 years ago but I'm handling it a little better today. 

You can see sadness on my face because it is so deep in my core but I'm fighting everyday to get to a place I can be happy again. 

This is a road you can't rush and you can't set up expectations because you will be disappointed. There are so many changes and so many things to adjust to that for me it is a process. 

I miss my Michael, I would give anything for him to be resting his arm on my head.  funny how the things that annoyed me the most are the things I miss the most.

Comment by Connie K on September 7, 2015 at 4:10pm

I'm not sure if I shared this poem. But had put it in a not. I didn't write it but it's how i feel today!

Don't tell me

by Joanetta Hendel
Bereavement Magazine

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive
Or how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me that this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bounds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry!

My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But, I need you now,
I need your love, unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 6, 2015 at 9:20pm

Dolly, I also had panic disorder, especially in my twenties. It has now returned full force and I have to take Lorazapam to control the attacks.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 6, 2015 at 9:19pm

I agree, it is a nightmare that keeps giving and giving. I am not doing well. Found our more about the girl who killed my son. That she might have seen him and decided to "beat" him across in her turn. This is what the DA now suspects. My son was so good, so kind to others, and had integrity from his heart. And this is how his life ends? I am really in a tailspin. I feel like I am swinging back and forth to one extreme to another. One thing is for certain, I will be glad when my life is done. Two children gone. My second son By the hand of a woman who never gave a shit about anyone but herself and has continually lied to save her own skin at my son's expense. I can only hope she gets the max sentence...

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