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Comment by Ross Hotard on September 11, 2015 at 9:19am

This will be rough Christmass for me. Dec. 10 will mark one year since she left us. I don't know how I will handle it. I have to keep my head up, I know she would want me to. I don't think I can bring myself to put up a tree this year. Last year she insisted I put up the tree right after thanksgiving. She even helped me decorate it. I just don't think I can do it this year.

Comment by Ross Hotard on September 11, 2015 at 6:03am

Jill I know how you feel, Lexi took her life and she was our only child. My wife and I often talk about who will take care of us in our old age. We often told her that she would hurt us so much if she did this, but she was ill, I'm sure just as Josh was. They are both in a better place now and are happier than they have ever been, you need to think about that every time you get sad. The pain will never go away, we can't expect it to. We have some great memories, just as I'm sure you do also, keep thinking about them and you'll keep his spirit alive.

Comment by Jill E on September 10, 2015 at 1:10pm

I am sitting here crying my eyes out. I am so angry at Josh for dying. He left his brother alone. Derek will have no one when my husband and I are gone. Josh was selfish. He drank himself to death. And I feel absolutely horrible for being angry . I love and miss my Josh so much..

Comment by Teresa D. on September 10, 2015 at 6:57am

As the 14th approaches I think this year it is so much harder just because I now understand and know this is my reality.  My Michael is gone and never returning.  No negotiations! 

Comment by Jane P on September 9, 2015 at 3:35pm

Teresa

Your picture.

I can see the love in both your eyes.

It's soft and beautiful.

He loves you very much.

Comment by Teresa D. on September 9, 2015 at 6:07am

As next week gets closer I'm sleeping less, my emotions are all over the place and each day I feel sicker. Not sure where all the anger is coming from but I just want to beat the crap out of someone.

3 years and I still feel very lost without my Michael.

Michael mommy loves you and will always love you! I miss you so bad buddy!

Comment by Connie K on September 8, 2015 at 4:09pm

Yes laurie I will be with you in my heart. Our case was finally settled and didn't have to go to trial thank god. Something about it being over makes everything so final. It will be 3 years for me on Dec.1 I don;t think I will ever stop crying.

Comment by Teresa D. on September 8, 2015 at 3:38pm

Laurie, my thought and prayers will be with you next month. 

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 8, 2015 at 11:36am

Dolly I think both Lorazepam and Diazepam are in the same drug family. Lorazepam tends to be faster acting while Diazepam is generally longer lasting. I think it may depend on your own body which drug would work better. I am taking them when the anxiety hits too  high as the trial is coming up on the 16th and 17th followed by Jesse's angelversary date on Oct 10.

Teresa, I very much agree with the three year time table you laid out. It was somewhere this past January I was starting to realize that maybe Jesse wasn't coming back. The first 7-9 months I spent much in bed rest from a complete mental breakdown....he and I were very much knit at the soul....

Now when I go out to the cemetery, it is strange to see our family plots there. Thinking, yes, one day I will be laid to rest there to. Last time there was again, another burial in the small country cemetery. Sometimes I feel this reminder like I "moved up in the line" from being here on this earth plane and am one step closer to him. ....

Our last pretrial date, we learned that the DA is now beginning to believe that the woman who ran over Jesse in his own lane actually saw him and try to "beat" him to complete her turn.

So to who posted about anger, yes, I definitely vascilate between many extremes, extreme anger being one of them. It is a tiring life.

Comment by Connie K on September 8, 2015 at 11:00am

Teresa - that's a beautiful picture. <3

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