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Comment by Jill E on September 27, 2015 at 5:03pm

Wow, just when I feel like I can't put my pain in words I "hear" those words right hear. It is funny when this thought pops in my head that I am having a better day then that thought alone brings me crashing down. There are no good days. I am so afraid I won't see him again, that rips my heart out. How to cope? How to live? How to live without my Josh? I try to tell myself he would not want me to be sad but I can't help it. Please I need relief, but there is none in sight. I am tired. My mind is exhausted. I keep my mask ready when needed.

Comment by Teresa D. on September 23, 2015 at 3:43pm

Connie I wish I could tell you not torture yourself but after just going through it I know it's easier said than done.

Sandy this is our new normal.

Laurie, I can't imagine what it is like for you to have to write that statement.

HUGS! 

Comment by Connie K on September 23, 2015 at 2:57pm

Teresa - I could have written that post myself. our concept of time is so warped because the love never stops or marks time.... I am trying to make travel plans for Christmas to see my family on the east coast. Daniel passed Dec.1 I hate December and i can't help but feel sick the entire holiday season. The anxiety has already started. They really don't get it and as more time passes they think I should be "getting over it" and moving on. We all know that is impossible. I just want to throw up but I have to go get my haircut (terribly neglected) and put on my mask. I just want to crawl into bed and hope to dream of daniel... like sandy said reality really sucks!!!!!

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 23, 2015 at 12:42pm

Teresa, just noticed your post now...maybe this is something that happens about this many months out? The surrealness of time passing....

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 23, 2015 at 12:41pm

It will be 3 years since Jesse was killed...it seems like I live in a time warp...like there should not be this time that exists between then and now...it seems like yesterday and yet it seems like it has been too long since I seen him and heard his voice. We have one more court date, the sentencing...what do you say to someone who totally destroyed your life, killed your most beloved child and gave him a horrible death...I am struggling with the victim statement since there are no words that can really express this hell that has been inflicted on us all...and I really do not think she is the kind of person who is going to get it...she has no moral compass and its all about how she can get on with her life.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on September 23, 2015 at 11:35am

Teresa, I agree, I don't want to feel like this forever but I don't know how to change it.  11 months this Sunday and I am doing bad, this last week has been so hard.  I feel no hope, only sorrow, I want my Randy, I want to see him.  I miss him so much.  This is so fucked up and so unfair.  Why did he choose drugs? I don't understand, I keep doing the "what if" and I keep blaming myself for not helping him enough even though I know he chose it. My mind won't stop, I can't sleep, I can't stop crying.  How are we suppose to live like this?

I don't have any support but all of you, friends don't understand they just act like everything is normal. Ha what a damn joke, nothing will ever be normal again, ever. Some days I try to be strong but the last few days I can't even try, I feel defeated. Yes everyday is a struggle and I also am so very very tired. The first fall without him, this really sucks.

Thanks for being there.  Hugs

Comment by Teresa D. on September 23, 2015 at 11:20am

Time has become so funny.  When it comes to Michael it hasn't moved at all, yet I see everything and everyone around me moving forward so fast. 

It's also crazy because no matter where I go or what I do I can't seem to escape this, not just for a second. 

I don't want to be this sad forever, I don't want to be in this place I find myself in.  I'm not choosing to be this way. 

I admit I get great support from family and friends but they still don't get it and I'm just getting exhausted trying to explain myself to them.

Trying to explain why only now I'm facing my reality is exhausting me too. 

I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 2 months. I tried to fight it, I tried to stay in the moment but nothing I did worked my emotions took over.  Now I'm settling back down but I know with holiday months coming I have to get ready for the ride again. 

I'm just rambling today.  So much is running through my head.  If I could have one wish it would be for just one conversation with Michael. 

I now know I will never see him again, well at least until it's my turn then I expect him to come for me.  I never thought I'd have to say such a thing.

Today I have hugs for everyone.  I know we fight and struggle to make it through each day.  And I know even though we all have each other each one of us feels very alone. 

Comment by Connie K on September 19, 2015 at 12:04pm

I'm with you Teresa - EXHAUSTED from it all

Comment by Teresa D. on September 19, 2015 at 9:33am

Jill that is a gift.  Josh is talking to you.

Dolly, you are so ever right not enough attention is given to kids with disabilities or their caretakers.  Brandon lived a beautiful life because of you and your husband.  You can tell by the smile on his face he was happy with his life.  Everyday when I walk into a school I walk in with Brandon on my shoulders.  Brandon loves you and he will forever dance in the trees. 

Just made it through year 3.....this year was hard because I was looking at the reality, but I made it.  I made it to the other side of that date.  I don't want to be in this place anymore, just don't know how to move it forward. 

It's so exhausting.  Putting on the fake face, pretending to be okay, dealing with holidays, dealing with his birthday and his leaving date, missing his future, trying to explain my grief to friends and family....and on and on....I'm just so exhausted!

Comment by Jill E on September 18, 2015 at 12:58pm

After an emotional morning going to try to keep my mind busy at a movie and then marvel at the wonders in Sedona, AZ.

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