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Comment by Jacob Michael scott McLeod-Steinmetz on September 15, 2009 at 1:12am

Gentle Widsom
Gentle Wisdom comes from learning.
Oh we learn more each day.
When people ask how we cope with our loss,
our wisdom echoes in what we say.

It wasn't very long ago when
I heard one woman say to another.
"How do you cope with such a tragic loss"?
Tears then stained the cheeks of the mother.

At first she didn't answer the woman.
For she stood there and cried.
"Oh I know this is killing you," the woman said,
"but in time the pain will subside."

The mother didn't respond to the question.
She wanted to scream out in grief.
Time could never heal her broken heart.
Time can never give her relief.

Yes, we learn from the wisdom of others;
In time the pain will surely heal.
But to this day the pain hasn't gone away.
So how can anyone know how she feels?

Once a mother heard the words;
"Your child is in a better place".
Is this wisdom to make her feel better?
Will it wipe tears from her face?

Words of emotion shared from others
make a mother ask the reason why?
When someone tells a heartbroken mother...
"Oh your child wouldn't want you to cry."

Then, there's the mother who lost her baby
before the child took it's first breath.
There is a void in the heart of any mother
when her child's eyes close in death.

And, when someone foolishly tells her,
"Oh it's much better this way."
That mother's heart is broken all over again.
By the words of "wisdom" that others say.

How many times must that mother
feel death's excruciating pain?
Words to ease her misery & heartaches
should be words easy to explain.

Yes, a mother who feels the empty arms
has a heavy burden to bear.
But what she learns through her tears...
Gentle wisdom allows her to share!

~Author~
Kaye Des'Ormeaux
Copyright 2000
Dedicated to the Mothers who have Gentle Wisdom

Comment by Laura Villarreal on September 14, 2009 at 5:06pm

Gail,
Thank you for the gentle reminder that grief is not to be rushed. And you are right about acceptance...
I will never get tired of hearing any words that are intended to help with the process of living after the death of a child.
~Laura

Comment by Gail Richardson on September 14, 2009 at 4:55pm

Grief and Hurricanes

When hurricane Andrew swept onto South Florida 7 years ago, it destroyed homes, wiped out neighborhoods, took some lives and some futures, wiped out businesses and left Dade county looking like a war zone. One of the things that hurt to look at was the trees...those that had not been uprooted, torn apart or blown away were completely defoliated. There were naked skeletons of trees upon our barren landscape...an area that is, despite its metropolitan design and large population, usually tropical green and lush with foliage now seemed to be nothing but broken concrete and shattered glass. Even the tree trunks wore that dead gray look that offered no color, nor comfort.

But a funny thing happened. Even as the trees began to "come back" and we realized it would literally take years for the damaged areas to return to the lush green we had grown accustomed to, we knew it would never again be the same in dade County. Even as the broken skeletons of tree trunks took on a fuzzy caterpillar look as foliage came out in places it didn't used to, and even as the sun broke through in places that had always been in shade before, something new took place. That winter, there was an abundance of wild flowers....beautiful bright flowers covered the ground in places that even grass would not grow before. Experts were amazed, as flowers that had not grown here for generations suddenly bloomed in abundance..and flowers that had always bloomed here suddenly were everywhere..everywhere! Apparently the stripped trees had allowed sunlight into places that it had not touched for so long....even touching on dormant seeds that had lain in the dirt for years. Salt water that had drenched the inland soil had damaged roots and leaves of existing plants, but fresh rains had rinsed it and left nutrients behind that the soil had been without. Nutrients these little flowers had needed to grow.

I was thinking about this, and remembering...and it struck me that grief is like that. As we look at the devastation left behind by our losses, we realize it will never be the same again. As we feel emptied out and stripped of the hopes and dreams we had held on to, we find ourselves laid bare to the elements..exposed in a way we have not been before. But just like the aftermath of a hurricane, as we struggle to pick up the pieces and resume some sort of life....a different life....we find flowers. Flowers we may never have seen if the horrible storm had not entered into our lives. Flowers like friends who we may never otherwise have known, tenderness for suffering we may never have been sensitive to, appreciation for life, love and the blessings we used to take for granted.

There is nothing in this world that could make me want to experience another hurricane. There is nothing that will ever make it alright to me to have lost a baby.... not once, not five times. But I do know that there are things I can be thankful for in the aftermath. And tho I love the shade, I also love the flowers that the sun brings up.

by Gwen Flowers

~reprinted from Always Loved - Never Forgotten

Comment by Gail Richardson on September 14, 2009 at 4:52pm

Laura - hi hun!! Everything you are experiencing is 'normal' for us - just remember that the grief process isn't to be rushed. 'Acceptance' that our children have died is perhaps one of the last stages and the beginning of a healing process. I use all these words in inverted commas - there are no words I can think of which truly describe the feelings/emotions we have to try to overcome.
The 'new you' doesn't appear overnight - she takes a long time to come through and find her feet. She will find her destiny with inspiration from her Angel. Some of us are still struggling years on - some of us can find a strength we did not know existed and fight our way out of the darkness. But it all takes so long and we are impatient with ourselves. You will get sick of me telling you this I'm sure :o) but just take one day at a time and slowly you will find your own way to survive.

Comment by Laura Villarreal on September 14, 2009 at 4:27pm

Hi Gail,
While I can get through each day my biggest hurdle is this voice in my head that reminds me she is gone! I do talk to my daughter everyday, several times a day! Most people have always thought I was a bit crazy but hey, that's just who I am...I know I will never be that person again I'm just having trouble trying to find the me that I am supposed to be! We have never had a death of this magnitude in our family so everyone is not who they once were...we have all been redefined.

I don't know if this makes much sense but it's the only thing I feel right now...thank you so much for sharing your coping mechanisms with me/us. Any bit of insight from others grieving the loss of a child is greatly appreciated.

Hugs to both you and Karen...my wishes and prayers for all of us here is to find just a bit more peace in our hearts with each passing day.

Comment by Gail Richardson on September 14, 2009 at 1:20pm

What has kept me going all these years is the knowledge that my daughter would not want my life to end - metophorically or physically. So, everything I set out to do now, I do for her. Before I start any new venture I ask for Meshael's guidance and support. I talk to her out loud whilst walking the dogs (when no-ones around LOL) and to her picture at the side of my bed. Am I crazy?? Perhaps, just a tad, but then who wouldn't be after the loss of a child? But does it help? - yes it does.
I have so much faith that we will meet again and I know I must be patient - there are still lessons here for me learn but one day, I will hold my baby in my arms forever. Until that time I have to remain content with the knowledge that she is only a whisper away.
For everyone who is new to this grief - my words might sound strange and unfamiliar. But it is my coping mechanism and in time you will all learn your own. How to slip on that mask we are forced to wear and smile and carry on - not with life as we knew it but with life as it is.
Sending my love and hugs to you all
Gail xx

Comment by Kar on September 14, 2009 at 12:04pm

Laura, I relate to all you say so very much ! I feel you pain as I feel my own. ((( HUGS )))

Comment by Laura Villarreal on September 14, 2009 at 11:12am

Another Monday

I don’t know what to do anymore for I no longer live I just exist.
Familiar feelings are there no more, like they just got up and walked out the door.

Joy and happiness are strangers now; numbness and sadness are all I know.
Forward is an awkward pace and sitting still is all I face.

Can someone please tell me how to live again without the pain,
Of having lost a precious child yet keeping her memory alive?

I want to laugh and stop all the crying when I think of you.
Death changes so much and nothing will ever again be the same.

Comment by Kar on September 14, 2009 at 1:44am

I use to welcome a new day - Now I welcome the end.
I use to smile and laugh the day away - Now I just want to disappear.
I use to be able to touch your sweet face - now I mourn you.
I use to enjoy life - now I pretend to live.

Comment by Laura Villarreal on September 13, 2009 at 1:01pm

There is this place inside me, possibly in my heart that cannot accept Angela is gone. My mind races with the question of how to move forward…not away from her but towards her. While I don’t long for death I do know that my death will allow me to be with her once again. But until that time how do I get through each day? So many reminders and memories of Angela wherever I go…
I feel a sense of love for her that continues to build up inside and because she is no longer of this earth, how do I physically express this love to her? I want to hug her and tell her how much I love her, how much I need her with me.
I know most of you know what I’m talking about I’m just not sure if I have expressed myself in a way that clearly conveys my thoughts.

Thanks for the hugs, Ann!

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